chronsweet

Okay.

So, ABF's mom is coming to town the 16th. She lives a few thousand miles away but comes 10 times a year. I practically see her as much as my own mom who lives 12 miles away. She makes a HUGE production out of it each and every time she comes. SO, she texts me and says she needs to talk to me about plans for her cooking (EWWWwww, gross .. the woman is a slob and I cant even put fork to mouth when she cooks for us .. seriously she is NASTY, dirty).

I am tired of her controlling, manipulative ways. Period. So I respond to her text by saying that after the incident on Labor's Day that I don't want to make definitive plans...

Labor Day Incident included: She made plans to go to the beach, I bought almost all the food, my mom came (they don't like each other), and my bro and all his kids. Well she still hadn't shown up and we were at the beach for 1.5 hours AND it was raining so we packed up and left. She then proceeded to come to my house and called my mom out, called her a bitch, uneducated and several other things. My mom responded with a few words of her own. The argument started over the fact that she didn't have a specific kind of cheese on the hamburger I made sure to save for her. And she flipped out when my mom said at least we were all together at my house.

This woman has called me a bivch several times, made excuses for her drunk son not being able to attend the hospital with me and proceeded to txt me for 4.0 hours while in labor contractions letting me know how unreasonable I am. Just a little background.

So my response to her regarding Christmas with her was, "Because of the labor day incident, I don't feel comfortable making definitive plans,"

And the onslaught of texts began. In the onslaught she went on to tell me how miserable I was for not sending her a get well card and a present and that it was MY responsibility and NOT her son's because she does it for her husband. That my child is HER ONLY grandchild and therefore I have to bend to her will. She will make plans when she comes to town and acts like everyone should just drop what they are doing and make room for her in every adventure she decides to throw out there. When you commit to her plans, HER time line changes but if you change the timeline without consent, you have to listen to her whine and complain.

My response to her onslaught was that yes, I did talk to her the day of her surgery and that I wasn't going to argue with her and I am sorry if she couldn't accept my answer.

Normally, I would volley back and forth with her and let her talk me into doing things I don't want to do. I am NOT letting that happen anymore.

How did I do?

As a side note, I am not going to tell my mom about the call either because it just agitates the situation or her son either. It's none of their business and I have my own feelings and I am the only one that needs to validate them.

I think I am learning to not be a DOORMAT finally! Geesh.

Love my surrogate SR family. Wish we could get together for a Christmas dinner, HA. LOL!

Peace & Love.
A.

chronsweet

just got another text saying she bought me a book and hopes I read it so I can learn some empathy, can u freaking believe it???????

laurie6781

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE

I am sure her son learned some of his manipulation tactics from her.

Is her son's name on the birth certificate of your child? Really doesn't matter. You do NOT have to allow 'TOXIC' people around your child.

Anything she plans, you can always text:

Sorry ( insert child's name ) and I already have plans.

She will go crazy with texts and/or phone, but you can NOT answer and continue on with your life.

If you ABF is still drinking, then for sure, make plans for both you and your child to be with your mom.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

chronsweet

Laurie,

Thanks!!! Absolutely he got some of his manipulative AND alcoholic behavior from her. They drink together and I just am tired of her bullying! I know how normal people behave and this isn't it!

She acts like because MY son is her ONLY grandchild, that I am an indentured servant or something. She tries to hijack the holidays over her own needs to see my son. Her and my BF on Halloween took my boy (who is only 2) over to the place she was staying to ensure she was with us, took his Halloween costume and everything. (I was at work, so it was kind of like she controlled where I would have to go with him) She plans on coming just three weeks after Christmas to be there for his 2nd birthday.

She abandoned my ABF when he was 18 months basically until he was 14 or 15 and I really think because of that she has some sick fascination with my kid. She feels like she has to be there for all 'his firsts'. I am his mom. It makes me feel awkward and it kind of ruins my day because of her over-involvement with anything having to do with him. Is this weird of me to feel like this? My mom NEVER acts that way with any of her grandkids, it's really WEIRD. My granny never did that. My ex's mom never did that.

She is WHACK and I really just don't like her.

Pelican

How did I do?





I agree with Laurie, IGNORE

and make memorable healthy plans for yourself and your son.

You are planning to end the relationship with the ABF, right?
This will be your first step in taking control of you and your childs holiday plans. You can choose how you spend YOUR holiday.

dollydo

Just fine!

CagedBird

Awesome. You rock!

Tres

You did just fine. And she sounds like a mess!! Do what is best for you and your son.

MeredithD1

sounds freeing!

yes, I can believe it...it will take time to extinguish the behavior since she's been able to hook people with it before and before and before.

Willybluedog

chronsweet you did great.

There really is no dealing with toxic people, they are like rodeo bulls, you either get on and hope you survive the ride or you go hide in the barrel with the clowns. I have done both I vote for the barrel. Make plans with your family, stay at your moms, if they want your son, set up some time for them to take him for some dad and grandma time.

Maybe this woman is making up for abandoning her son by trying to mother her grnadchild.

My dad and I had a throwdown at Thanksgiving dinner one year, he criticized my parenting at the dinner table with the whole family, I got up, put my daughters coat on her and left, my mom and dad chased us out of the house, mom was crying, dad was confused , he just could not understand what he had done, I told him he was not going to attack me and degrade my parenting skills, and then we left, we never had another problem after that, once he knew I would stand up to him then we were fine.

I hope you work it out, I will be praying for you.

Bill

jessiec

Way to go!

Learn2Live

Good job. This stands out for me:

Trust your instincts. Grandmother or not, you are that child's mother and no matter what anyone else says, you are the one who knows best for your child. If something doesn't feel right, trust that! Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

PS My initial reaction to your description was, "And you allow this person in your life why???"

chronsweet

Thanks. Great responses. I actually got a call from ABF's brother and I explained to him what happened and just told him I wasn't going to engage. He agreed that she flies into town and expects people to just drop their plans and cater to her 'special time'. I told him I am done with the drama. I know the message will get back to her.

Blocked her # from my phone. We cannot communicate. That is a great feature Sprint has now. I just am done with the manipulating.

I do plan to leave my ABF. I can hear him swilling on his liquor in the bedroom. LOL. I mean I did once love him and I am beginning to pity him. I used to just WANT so bad to change him and now I know, I just can't. I plan for my departure in May. I will have money saved so I can feel secure enough to hold on in the event he doesn't pay child care or help with the baby. He does it begrudgingly now, but I do make him now! I don't let him give me a hard time about taking 15 minutes long in traffic and I don't care what he thinks about me doing stuff for me anymore. I am getting better. I still have those doubts in my head that he CAN get better, he COULD be so much better, but alas, that is my wanting to not have to deal with the aftermath of the whole situation. I am going to have to deal with it at this point, for now, I am just coping in a better way and with less tension than there was in the past.

Has anyone ever felt guilty KNOWING they are leaving. I mean, I can NOT live like this anymore. I feel guilt because some days are good, you know. Really meaning, not too stressful, almost normal. But there is always the fact that you know it can get so ugly in just an instance. I feel guilty, like I am going along with HIS belief that things may be okay when they are not. I feel like if I let the times be good, then, somehow I am cheating him out of something, his hope maybe that he is being good. A good alcoholic...LOL...and see that takes me right back to the beginning. So confounding. Thanks for letting me share. I am crying ME tears right now. Gotta go to the grocery store with the kid, thanks to YOU ALL.

Willybluedog

Chronsweet, don't ever feel guilty for doing what you need to do to protect your child, why should he get to "call the ball" this is the situation that he created with his drinking.

Be strong, I am rooting for you.

Bill

chronsweet

Here I go, in my head after making what I consider a move towards making a decision, feeling bad. WTF is wrong with me. I have these feelings like, well you know ABF's mom has done nice things for you (to self). I counter with self, well I have done nice things for her too. Then I go back to, but all I texted the woman was that I didn't want to make definitive plans. I have asked her a zillion times not to do this to me. I have told her I am not really a 'plan maker'. She keeps pushing me to meet ABF's brother's girlfriend. They live 10 miles away and don't seem concerned about meeting us. It is HER that keeps talking about me meeting her over and over and over to the point it now feels like an awkward blind date that I DON'T want to go on.

I feel like this woman just pushes me to do things I don't want to do and YET I feel like an a=hole for simply telling her I don't want to make definitive plans. That wasn't even a NO, it was kind of a "I'll play it by ear so I don't have to be badgered the entire next week and a half". I really DO NOT want to see her ever again. I could go my whole life without seeing her. I do NOT want to watch her and her son drink together as she tries to tell me he doesn't have a problem from what she can see. It's like REALLY lady, you're a freaking alchie too. They ALWAYS drink wherever they go together. It just disgusts me the leverl of enabling she does for him. She texts me about things he has to do constantly. I feel like an extension of her mothering arm and my bf doesn't like it and neither do I BUT she won't stop. Then she will do something monetarily nice, like buy us football tickets, BUT it feels so fake when she does this. Like an offering to be led to the slaughterhouse, like indentured servitude or the rights to be a bully. Has anyone ever met someone like this? How do you deal with it.

I am the type of person that I really don't like to hurt people's feelings. She has said some really awful things to me and about my mom when my mom wasn't even present, wasn't even a subject of conversation. She always brings up my family, even tonight while texting she tried. I seriously just told her to leave me alone, blocked her number and didn't respond to her attack. I just feel kind of bad, like maybe I shouldn't have said anything about the plans for her Christmas dinner. She would have texted and called until she got her answer because she is that obnoxious, but, I just don't know. I feel empowered and mean all at the same time I guess.

Thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate any advice.

laurie6781

YES. FEEL EMPOWERED

NO. Do NOT feel mean. It is NOT mean to remove yourself from a "TOXIC" person, and it is not just you but your child that does not need that in your lives.

You did good to block her.

Oh and remember NO is a complete sentence. No explanations needed, although I am sure she will keep trying to "hammer and manipulate" you, just become a broken record with one word NO.

She won't like it, but she will eventually 'get it.'

Sending good thoughts and prayers for you and your childing and your family.

Love and hugs,

kiki5711

throw that guilt out the window, it smells.

nodaybut2day

You feel guilty because some days are "almost normal"? Mama, you and your son DESERVE *NORMAL*, *SANE* and *HAPPY* days, not "some days being almost normal".

Release yourself of the guilt you feel by repeating to yourself a hundred times a day if you must: "I am NOT responsible for other people's happiness". If your ABF chooses to dive head first into a bottle every day, then so be it. If he is unhappy once you and your son have left, then it will be a consequence of his daily choice to pick up those bottles and drink up. No one's got a gun to his head forcing him to drink.

I understand the level of drama you're trying to manage with an A partner and his enabling A mother. From where I sit, the solution is to break ties and only have contact when it pertains to visitation with your son. That way, you can provide a healthy, safe and happy environment for your son to grow up in, and model for him what normal human relationships are like.

Pelican

Football tickets = manipulation.

This toxic person does not seem to give from the heart. It appears her giving comes with strings attached.

The kind of giving that gets thrown back into your face later: "I gave you ____", "I did _______ for you" are forms of manipulation.

Giving things or feelings with a plan of expected behaviors of gifts or favors reeks of manipulation.

chronsweet

Yes. I try not to accept things like I used to from her. I decline going out to eat with them a lot because I feel like it is a spider's web. I am lured and trapped all at the same time. Plus, the woman is just one of those loud and boistrous people who has no class at ALL. She can't even get her make-up the same on both eyes. I realize now, it's probably because she is always taking a sip off this/that.

Also, she says she wouldn't drink with my son in the car. BUT, I don't trust my gut on that. I pretty much let her hang out with my son when she comes around because she does love him and treat him good. She takes him out to the zoo, the park, Sea World, the beach, etc. My son is her only grandchild and she is pretty attached. I have never smelled alcohol on her breath, so I can't say for certain she has had something to drink and drove with him. She denies her desire to drink as well, and she is productive as far as holding a job, etc.

The main problem is she pushes her son on me. She is rude and intrusive. She suggests marriage between us constantly when we have both expressed our desire for her to just be quiet. She denies her son's problem (maybe because of her own?) and tells me he is a good man because he doesn't 'cheat on me'. I wanted to leave ABF when I was 9 months preggo and go live with my mom because he still hadn't attempted to look for work, hadn't held a job and she basically said she would help pay some rent for him. She gave him $200.00 bucks a month when she had previously been paying his share on an apartment. Then she lumped in giving him $200.00 bucks a month to helping me when I constantly said that I could and always had supported myself. You get the picture. She tells me I need to have continuous empathy for the struggles her son goes through. Basically, she just disgusts me. VENTING VENTING VENTING

LOL! Who knows if this even makes sense to anyone, but basically, these people, mother and son, have driven me up a wall and like to keep me hanging by my fingers at the top. I feel bullied and controlled and manipulated CONSTANTLY.