Need some advice
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
No one is criticizing you. You came here asking for advice. That is what you are getting. If we don't know your entire story, it's because we only have what you post to go on. Not only are many of us friends and family of alcoholics, some of us are actually alcoholics ourselves. We know what we are talking about when we share our experiences and warn you about what to expect.
Your boyfriend isn't any different than any other alcoholic. He will continue drinking until HE decides he has had enough. There is nothing you can do to bring that about any quicker. When he is truly ready to seek recovery, nothing will stand in his way. From what you have posted, he isn't yet truly ready. He'll quit for a while and then test himself to see if he can drink like a non-alcoholic.
This is not someone who is truly working on recovery. This is someone who will always find an excuse to drink. Just because he talks to you about it and convinces you that he is really trying to stop drinking doesn't mean he really is. He's saying what he thinks you want to hear, but he still drinks and makes excuses why. He is fooling you and possibly fooling himself, too.
Your boyfriend isn't any different than any other alcoholic. He will continue drinking until HE decides he has had enough. There is nothing you can do to bring that about any quicker. When he is truly ready to seek recovery, nothing will stand in his way. From what you have posted, he isn't yet truly ready. He'll quit for a while and then test himself to see if he can drink like a non-alcoholic.
He was doing so good until his now ex-wife really upset him (conserning their daughter) in sept. 2011 and slipped and drank. Normally that would have been then begining of another everyday drinking binge until he passed out but he didn't drink another drop of alcohol for about 3 weeks, then again his ex pushed the wrong buttons and he went and drank 2 shots (a lot less then his "norm") then 2 weeks later something else happened and he drank again 2 shots. Then 2 days later drank 3 shots again then 2 days later 2 more shots I don't want him to fall out an go completely out again. Each time he tells me he's good now, the other day when he drank it was well I'm concious so I'm ahead of the disease.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Just want to wish you the best with this difficult situation. My ABF is an alcoholic, and I'm new to all this myself.
What everyone has said about his drinking being out of your control, focusing on actions/not words, etc. is right.
You are right to be concerned about his drinking and how it affects you. That said, you only have control over you Do what you need to take care of your needs. AA, read Codependent No More, keep posting here.
Besides the drinking, I would think another red flag here is his reactions to his ex-wife. I'm not sure how long ago they were married, etc. But allowing her to have that much control over his emotions (granted, it sounds like more of an excuse, but still ...) is troubling. Does that part concern you?
What everyone has said about his drinking being out of your control, focusing on actions/not words, etc. is right.
You are right to be concerned about his drinking and how it affects you. That said, you only have control over you Do what you need to take care of your needs. AA, read Codependent No More, keep posting here.
Besides the drinking, I would think another red flag here is his reactions to his ex-wife. I'm not sure how long ago they were married, etc. But allowing her to have that much control over his emotions (granted, it sounds like more of an excuse, but still ...) is troubling. Does that part concern you?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
NMS,
When I first came here, I got a lot of advice from friends and family of alcoholics. They were very helpful, but I wanted to know more about alcoholism, and what I could do. I went to the chat rooms when the recovering a's were there, and they were very kind and informative, and gave me another perspective.
You might try posting a question on the recovering A's forum. There are some awesome and kind people here
When I first came here, I got a lot of advice from friends and family of alcoholics. They were very helpful, but I wanted to know more about alcoholism, and what I could do. I went to the chat rooms when the recovering a's were there, and they were very kind and informative, and gave me another perspective.
You might try posting a question on the recovering A's forum. There are some awesome and kind people here
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Well as a recovering alcoholic with over 30 years continuous recovery, I will say this. Your best support of him is finding and working on you and STEPPING BACK and watching.
"Staying Sober" for life is not guaranteed with any program of recovery. It is all on the A. With my long time recovery, and still working with others, I still have 'tools' that I must use everyday or that 'stinkin thinkin' can return in a heartbeat.
Have I been close to picking up, yep a few times, but I had still had enough of the 'new me' fighting "The Voice" that I was able to use my 'tools' picked up the phone, called some folks and then got my butt to a meeting.
I have known, been friends with and watched some folks with many years of sobriety, NOT be able to resist "The Voice."
Since you feel that leaving is NOT an option, I would suggest that you keep yourself as well protected as possible, maintain separate accounts, keeping an eye on your possessions, etc. Take offense or not, but ALCOHOLISM IS PROGRESSIVE whether the person is currently drinking or not, and should he continue to 'slip' the day will come when he is NO LONGER EMPLOYABLE.
In 1976 I was a "Working Women" in a field where there were few women yet, I was making $50,000+ a year when most men didn't even make that. In June of '81 I was a falling down drunk, with no job, living on the street of Hollywood for the last 1 and 1/2 years ...................... when I finally found my 'bottom.'
The 2 shots a day are NOT slips. They are TESTS, whether conscious or subconscious, to CONVINCE himself that he NOW has his drinking under control. To convince himself, "See you CAN drink. You just had a 'rough spell. All is okay now." It is "The Voice" of King Alcohol, luring him more 'tightly' in the web of Bondage Of Self.
"Staying Sober" for life is not guaranteed with any program of recovery. It is all on the A. With my long time recovery, and still working with others, I still have 'tools' that I must use everyday or that 'stinkin thinkin' can return in a heartbeat.
Have I been close to picking up, yep a few times, but I had still had enough of the 'new me' fighting "The Voice" that I was able to use my 'tools' picked up the phone, called some folks and then got my butt to a meeting.
I have known, been friends with and watched some folks with many years of sobriety, NOT be able to resist "The Voice."
Since you feel that leaving is NOT an option, I would suggest that you keep yourself as well protected as possible, maintain separate accounts, keeping an eye on your possessions, etc. Take offense or not, but ALCOHOLISM IS PROGRESSIVE whether the person is currently drinking or not, and should he continue to 'slip' the day will come when he is NO LONGER EMPLOYABLE.
In 1976 I was a "Working Women" in a field where there were few women yet, I was making $50,000+ a year when most men didn't even make that. In June of '81 I was a falling down drunk, with no job, living on the street of Hollywood for the last 1 and 1/2 years ...................... when I finally found my 'bottom.'
The 2 shots a day are NOT slips. They are TESTS, whether conscious or subconscious, to CONVINCE himself that he NOW has his drinking under control. To convince himself, "See you CAN drink. You just had a 'rough spell. All is okay now." It is "The Voice" of King Alcohol, luring him more 'tightly' in the web of Bondage Of Self.
amazing awesome post((((( Laurie)))))
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi NMS. I will share a little of my experience and give you a little advice since you asked for it.
My experience is that anytime my AW drank there was a major binge comming. Maybe not right away, maybe even months away but there was one comming. 100%' every single time.
My advice is to go to Al-Anon. The only thing you can do for him is to work on yourself. Al-Anon has made a world of difference in my life. As others have said you have no control over his drinking. You do have control over how you react to it though. Al-Anon will give you the tools you need to make wise decisions on how you want to handle this.
Your friend,
My experience is that anytime my AW drank there was a major binge comming. Maybe not right away, maybe even months away but there was one comming. 100%' every single time.
My advice is to go to Al-Anon. The only thing you can do for him is to work on yourself. Al-Anon has made a world of difference in my life. As others have said you have no control over his drinking. You do have control over how you react to it though. Al-Anon will give you the tools you need to make wise decisions on how you want to handle this.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
He will continue drinking or stop drinking. He is not your problem. And, you will never understand the mind of an alcoholic. I suggest going to al-anon and learning why you're with an alcoholic at all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My suggestions for doing what you can for this relationship....
Attend al anon. You being as healthy and centered as possible provides an environment for others to be as healthy as possible.
Provide him space when/if he decides to embrace recovery. It will take most of his emotional and mental energy as well as a lot of time.
Establish firm and fair personal boundaries. Learn how to protect them. Addiction thrives off weak and fragile boundaries. This is not as easy as it sounds IME. Have you read co-dependent No More? It is a great book.
The stickies at the top helped me a lot.
Do not do for him what he should do himself. If he is struggling with staying sober he should seek support from his recovery program. You are not and can not be his recovery program. You are his girlfriend. Even if you were a proffesional addiction specialist you can not be your boyfriends recovery program.
Attend al anon. You being as healthy and centered as possible provides an environment for others to be as healthy as possible.
Provide him space when/if he decides to embrace recovery. It will take most of his emotional and mental energy as well as a lot of time.
Establish firm and fair personal boundaries. Learn how to protect them. Addiction thrives off weak and fragile boundaries. This is not as easy as it sounds IME. Have you read co-dependent No More? It is a great book.
The stickies at the top helped me a lot.
Do not do for him what he should do himself. If he is struggling with staying sober he should seek support from his recovery program. You are not and can not be his recovery program. You are his girlfriend. Even if you were a proffesional addiction specialist you can not be your boyfriends recovery program.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
You sound like you are in the serious denial stage of the relationship and nothing anyone says here is going to change your mind. I have a friend who I know is with an alcoholic, but I don't say a single thing about it to her because I know, she is NOT ready to deal with it, and it would not be well-received (and frankly, it's none of my business unless she makes it my business).
The advice you have gotten so far is excellent but you are not ready for it. That is okay. Just keep coming back and reading posts and if you are ready for serious help it will be there.
The advice you have gotten so far is excellent but you are not ready for it. That is okay. Just keep coming back and reading posts and if you are ready for serious help it will be there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canon City, CO
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone for ur opinions and advice I'm going to keep reading gather as much info that I can and see where this path I've chosen takes me!! I will keep everyone updated!! Btw.... I don't know why or what's coming but my bf did go see his dr. He got perscriptions to help cravings and antibuse he's also been going to more meetings, and says he truely wants to stop. So now I've stepped back and just gonna watch, I don't know if this will help but he told me that when I talk to him about how the alcohol makes me feel when he drinks it triggers something good in his head. He's also told me when he gets told he's doing good that helps, since he never got the reconition for any effort his whole life!! But like I said all I'm gonna do is talk to him, pray for him and stand back and watch!! I know its not much but after last week he is now on day 4 of being sober... Hopefully it will keep growing and maybe someday he'll have years but thank u all again!!
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