Fourkings

Hi, i'm new here. I'm really just after some advice for my own sanity. I've been in a relationship with a girl for 8 months. We have never met i'm from the UK her the US. She has always planned to move here. So it just seemed perfect. She was everything I had ever searched for, funny, smart, beautiful etc. I always had a nagging feeling that she was keeping something from me. I had feelings it was to do with alcohol. She would just disappear for days on end. No warning just nothing. The stress that caused me was at times unbearable. I once spent a entire night ringing round hospitals just trying to find out if she had been in a accident. She would lie about her whereabouts, where she was or who she was with. This made me obviously suspicious. I questioned her a couple of times regarding if she was drinking to much and I got made to feel it was me that had a problem. I convinced myself that I in fact was the wrong doer and apologized again and again. Long story short she finally admitted she had a problem with alcohol. She had hit rock bottom. Her family had kicked her out and she wanted help. I felt wonderful that in fact it wasn't me that had a problem ( at times it felt like I was losing my mind ) . I felt so happy. I promised her family and her that as long as she got help I would stand by her. So she checks into therapy and quits. The first few days she was so full of life. I felt like I had her back. Everything was perfect. Then slowly the communication slowed and she became very abrupt saying she couldn't deal with "heavy stuff" heavy stuff was just talking about our plans or how she was getting on etc just like we had always done. I began to get frustrated because i've been through so much stress and worry with her and now she's getting help i'm being shut out completely which is even worse. She's now saying maybe we should just be friends. 2 weeks ago she was talking about moving here to live with me, to this. I don't want to lose her but this is a massive emotional roller-coaster. With me constantly feeling the bad party. I just can't win. My question is, is this normal to be pushed away? Should I stick around? Is it me that has a problem? Going from a full relationship to just pleasantries within a space of 2 weeks is really hard to get my head round.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Any help or advice would be really appreciated.

Seren

Hello fourkings, Welcome to SR!

Wow....that is a lot to find out......

I won't tell you whether or not you should stick it out with this person, but long distance relationships are hard. Add alcoholism to that mix and I'm sure it is even harder.

If this woman is going to embrace her recovery, she will likely be very busy and self-involved for the next year or so. It has nothing to do with how loveable or worthwhile you are, it is simply necessary for her own survival.

I suppose what you should ask yourself is whether or not it is worth your time and effort to wait and see what happens........can you love her as she is and not place expectations on her potential or on your future together?

Keep reading the threads and keep asking questions! We are here and we do understand.

Willybluedog

Please don't put your life on hold for an alcoholic, let her get well and then see where it goes, she may straighten out or she may never get better, reading the threads here will give you a glimpse into your future and help you make a decision.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

chronsweet

That was a rather unusual post. My honest opinion is you should never invest your time and emotions with someone you have never met in person. You've NEVER met her in person. That just seems odd to consider having a serious relationship and worrying about someone you have never actually met, held hands with, kissed. You are exposing yourself to the possibility for some serious lies, heart break, confusion especially because she is an addict. In my opinion, you should exercise caution with anyone you deal with online. There are security breaches everywhere.

Hope this response did not *sting* too much, I am not trying to be harsh, I am not you or in your shoes. Just my take.

Thumper

I think there is a lot going on here and you live far apart. Since you asked for advice I'll give you mine I would take a rest from the relationship and just wait and see what happens. Take a big step back and focus on other areas of your life right now. If you have trouble doing that there is al-anon which helps with this.

From an experience point of view I was married to an alcoholic for many years and he was really great at dreaming and talking about what we were going to do and we discussed many great plans for the future (short term and long term). They did not happen. It took me a very very long time to figure out that his talk was fantasy and dreams and he was not now, or ever, going to make any movement towards making them happen. It was not his intent. It is hard to explain. He was playing a role, not living a life. I don't know if he really wanted those things and the alcoholism got in the way or if it was more like a game of pretend. A daydream like when I think about winning a million dollars.

Fourkings

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I understand it may seem odd to many how I can feel a certain way without even meeting her. We spoke on the phone most days, email constantly and Skype dated etc. really the only thing missing was the physical side. My head has been more messed up by this than I can even try to explain. I have no experience with alcholism at all. I feel like if I just leave I would be letting her down but if you're saying this could be like this for years to come then that's something I cannot deal with. I really hope that everything she said to me and we planned was not just a dream on her part but there have been so many lies that maybe these were to. I've noticed some more white lies since she stopped. I thought the lying would just stop once she'd quit drinking or does this take a longer period of time as its possible a in built defence mechinsm?

Thanks for you help. Feels good that people actually understand where I'm coming from

dollydo

Lieing is part of the disease, and it also becomes a habit. She has a disease that there is NO
cure for, it is chronic and progressive. She will be an alcoholic ALL her life, it is just a matter if she is sober or not, that's it. Relapses are common, my friend relapsed after 20 years.

As for your reasons to get involved in a cyber relationship, I cannot imagine what they are, however, to each his own.

She is who she is and she will not change, her core is set.

My best..Dolly

Willybluedog

Fourkings,

My mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, it has gotten progressively worse, she now starts drinking about 2 PM, if my dad is not home she will drink 6 bottles of wine a day, if he is home she drinks about 3 bottles, she is drunk before dinner everyday, she lies, lies, lies, for no reason, she is venomous when she is drunk, she has bottles hidden all over the house to try and hid how much she drinks.

This is your future, also read the threads by doublewhammy and what she is going through with her mom, it makes my mom look like an angel, our fathers have stuck around out of loyalty to their marriages, but they are living a miserable existence with alcoholic spouses.

Please think long and hard before you move this girl in with you.

Best of luck,

Bill