quitforme79

Sometimes, people really do change. Even if it's just a little, often times that's enough. To give us what we need, or that piece we felt we were missing. I have missed out on so many wonderful experiences and years with my mother. All due to her substance abuse and seemingly life long addiction. Her little gesture of calling me tonight to tell me Rudolph was on made my decade. "Remember how you used to cry when that sad song came on? You were only two." To my mother, that memory probably feels like yesterday and yet it is one I don't remember. I do remember cuddling with her, watching nick at nite, playing doll house. I had been dealt that childhood; the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. We don't talk about the midnight drives on school nights wherein neither parent should have been behind the wheel. No, we don't talk about it but it's something I will keep fresh in my mind for my children. Some may never understand what it's like to grow up in an alcoholic household. Others had the life and family I would dream about as a little girl, as a teenager, as a college student, as an adult. I was grown up way before it was my time. At 12, I could tell a persons character by simply observing them. These are not things I am proud of, just the way it is or rather, the way it was. In the past 3 months, I have probably realized I am stronger and more knowledgable then even I gave myself credit for. I choose not to live with alcoholism. Ever again. I choose happiness, security and freedom from the drink. I choose to raise my future children in a home without secrets, chaos and shame. Being a grown up really isn't always about getting what we want, or ending up with the ones we love. It is accepting them and things as they are but having the courage to say, "No thank you, I have made other plans"

dollydo

You hold the key to your happiness in the palm of your hand. Whether you use it to walk through a new door or not is up to you...to me, it appears that you are ready to embrace the change.

I totally understand, I too, lived in the home of an alcoholic, a raging one, it was a nightmare.

You sound strong, thank you for your post!

quitforme79

I think I'm ready too dollydo. I definitely had an epiphany tonight..so amazing when that happens. I feel so grateful for realizing a lot of things I already knew but just couldn't put into concrete thoughts, words and actions. Thanks