So he finally went to a meeting...but I'm still angry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
So he finally went to a meeting...but I'm still angry.
A few days ago, after pulling a Thanksgivinig disappearance, I told ABF that if he wanted to continue on in this relationship then he would go to a meeting. I know, it's an ultimatum.
I have sought my own recovery through Al-Anon and counseling and have realized more and more my self-worth, my flaws, and my issues with trying to control & cure his drinking. I'm sick of waiting for him to show up because he's chosen to drink instead of fulfill his obligations, I'm sick of being so numb to ANY emotion I would feel (especially excitement over anything he says, just in case he doesn't follow through). It's hard to enjoy anything with him anymore. I know a meeting isn't the be all end all, but his denial is so strong. I would like to think I was ready to leave if he didn't go to a meeting, but who knows?
So I don't know if that was the correct way to handle it, but it's what I did.
We have a decent weekend together, then he disappears, again, for the day, and tells me via text he won't be showing up that night, that instead he'll see me the next night after he goes to his meeting. Lo and behold, no show or call that night.
Finally today, he calls me.
Tells me he was mad that he was being forced into going, so he didn't. Instead he made poor choices and maybe hit his rock bottom? I don't know. In any case, he went to a meeting tonight. It sounds like some impression was made on him...he says he'll return, that the coin meant something to him, that he wants his life better, that he can't do that if he's drinking, and that he gets some of what I've spoken about in regard to alcoholism.
My response wasn't joy or elation. I congratulated him on going but when he said he'll see me tomorrow, I said I don't know if I want to see him. Instead of pity and sadness for myself, I am pissed. He gets to go away when he is mad at me, and ignore me for days time and time again, and come back when he pleases? I told him I will see him when I am ready to. I wasn't yelling or mean, but wasn't jumping to see him.
My question-am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive and encouraging this very moment? Getting my hopes up or excited about any event with him rarely happens. I am pleased that he went, but I am pissed...so stressed out over many things right now, and then on top of it all having to deal with him.
Do I just suck it up????? I'm a mess right now....mad, confused, feeling guilty, annoyed...stressed! Ah!
I have sought my own recovery through Al-Anon and counseling and have realized more and more my self-worth, my flaws, and my issues with trying to control & cure his drinking. I'm sick of waiting for him to show up because he's chosen to drink instead of fulfill his obligations, I'm sick of being so numb to ANY emotion I would feel (especially excitement over anything he says, just in case he doesn't follow through). It's hard to enjoy anything with him anymore. I know a meeting isn't the be all end all, but his denial is so strong. I would like to think I was ready to leave if he didn't go to a meeting, but who knows?
So I don't know if that was the correct way to handle it, but it's what I did.
We have a decent weekend together, then he disappears, again, for the day, and tells me via text he won't be showing up that night, that instead he'll see me the next night after he goes to his meeting. Lo and behold, no show or call that night.
Finally today, he calls me.
Tells me he was mad that he was being forced into going, so he didn't. Instead he made poor choices and maybe hit his rock bottom? I don't know. In any case, he went to a meeting tonight. It sounds like some impression was made on him...he says he'll return, that the coin meant something to him, that he wants his life better, that he can't do that if he's drinking, and that he gets some of what I've spoken about in regard to alcoholism.
My response wasn't joy or elation. I congratulated him on going but when he said he'll see me tomorrow, I said I don't know if I want to see him. Instead of pity and sadness for myself, I am pissed. He gets to go away when he is mad at me, and ignore me for days time and time again, and come back when he pleases? I told him I will see him when I am ready to. I wasn't yelling or mean, but wasn't jumping to see him.
My question-am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive and encouraging this very moment? Getting my hopes up or excited about any event with him rarely happens. I am pleased that he went, but I am pissed...so stressed out over many things right now, and then on top of it all having to deal with him.
Do I just suck it up????? I'm a mess right now....mad, confused, feeling guilty, annoyed...stressed! Ah!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Do you honestly feel that this guy is Mr. Right? Personally, I don't see it.
One meeting doesn't make for recovery. This will require a life-long committment on his part, as, he will always be an alcoholic, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and in recovery or not. This is a progressive disease that there is no cure for. An addict can relapse at anytime..a week, a year, 10 years, 20 years...there are no guarantees when it comes to addiction and recovery.
Stop obsessing about him, his issue, it is his to work and resolve, not yours. Pay attention to you, your recovery, don't let that self imposed guilt to stop your momentum.
One meeting doesn't make for recovery. This will require a life-long committment on his part, as, he will always be an alcoholic, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and in recovery or not. This is a progressive disease that there is no cure for. An addict can relapse at anytime..a week, a year, 10 years, 20 years...there are no guarantees when it comes to addiction and recovery.
Stop obsessing about him, his issue, it is his to work and resolve, not yours. Pay attention to you, your recovery, don't let that self imposed guilt to stop your momentum.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Well, I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic who would do just about anything I told him to in order to keep me from leaving--for a while. Anyway, keep that in mind when you read what I'm about to say. 
So, he went to a meeting----pfffft. If he even really did. So what? My AH once quit drinking for 4 months because I threatened to leave him. What a miserable 4 months that was! Sheesh. He was angry and hated me for taking away his "fun." Yuck.
So what is it you want? You want someone who goes to a meeting to get you off his back? You want someone to get sober because YOU said so? Or, do you want someone who takes responsibility for his own life choices?
Once you figure out what you want, then you can decide what you are willing to do to make that happen. But, I can tell you that all the attempts to control, coerce, charm, beg, threaten, and manipulate never worked for me. And I started to become someone I really didn't like very much.
L
So, he went to a meeting----pfffft. If he even really did. So what? My AH once quit drinking for 4 months because I threatened to leave him. What a miserable 4 months that was! Sheesh. He was angry and hated me for taking away his "fun." Yuck.
So what is it you want? You want someone who goes to a meeting to get you off his back? You want someone to get sober because YOU said so? Or, do you want someone who takes responsibility for his own life choices?
Once you figure out what you want, then you can decide what you are willing to do to make that happen. But, I can tell you that all the attempts to control, coerce, charm, beg, threaten, and manipulate never worked for me. And I started to become someone I really didn't like very much.
L
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
One meeting means nothing. Anyone can go sit in a meeting for an hour. Your ultimatum was that he go to a meeting. He's done that. Is that really all he needs to do in order for the relationship to go forward? I suggest that you sit down and figure out exactly what you want out of a relationship and then honestly determine if you can have that with him, now, exactly as he is at this moment. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 2
I think you need to take care of you and let him off the hook. Should he take this seriously he will take care of himself and want to do it for himself not you! As the saying goes "if you love something, set it free. . . .and to switch it up, if he truly loves you and works on himself, he will be back!"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
Thank you for the honest, frank, responses. I know what I want, and honestly, it's not this. I know that my child and I deserve more...this guilt is creeping up on me, in his message he said he'd need my help to do this...I don't want his recovery to be my responsibility, my recovery is a big enough one (and raising my child, pretty much alone). So, his meeting attendance doesn't give me high hope, but I'd feel guilty abandoning him now. There's a sticky I'm going to go back and read (again) right after this cause it addresses all the reasons I am hooked in this relationship. A year ago, my self-worth was so low-I've built it up since then, but still have some work to do, clearly. I've never been good at ending things, and this has been an area I need to work on...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
Honestly, the thought of having the perspective be on him and his recovery overwhelms me. The past seven years have been focused on his active alcoholism, and to have the next how ever many years focused on HIM and his recovery instead of on US and our family...it's exhausting to think about.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Are YOU being too harsh? Heck no. I wouldn't have even picked up his call. Alcoholism does not give someone an excuse to disappear. He's out partying it up and you're home pissed, sad and worried. Seems like he's the one getting off easy..he should be begging for you to even give him the time of day.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
in his message he said he'd need my help to do this
Bullcrap! They ALL say that. It's a way to make you feel guilty and accept the responsibility for their sobriety. It's a huge steaming pile of crap!
I don't want his recovery to be my responsibility
Then don't make it your responsibility. It ISN'T your responsibility anyway. Never has been and never will be. He's lazy and he's doing the very bare minimum to try to appease you so that nothing much will change and you'll settle down and forget about it.
Even though you've been with him for 7 years, you aren't married to him. You do not have to stay with him. I promise you he will not wither and die if you decide to leave and make a better life for yourself and your daughter. If you aren't yet ready to leave, then double up on your alanon meetings and learn how to detach from his madness.
Bullcrap! They ALL say that. It's a way to make you feel guilty and accept the responsibility for their sobriety. It's a huge steaming pile of crap!
I don't want his recovery to be my responsibility
Then don't make it your responsibility. It ISN'T your responsibility anyway. Never has been and never will be. He's lazy and he's doing the very bare minimum to try to appease you so that nothing much will change and you'll settle down and forget about it.
Even though you've been with him for 7 years, you aren't married to him. You do not have to stay with him. I promise you he will not wither and die if you decide to leave and make a better life for yourself and your daughter. If you aren't yet ready to leave, then double up on your alanon meetings and learn how to detach from his madness.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I think he is just playing you.
There is absolutely nothing you can say to him that will help him to recover. This is his disease, only he can choose to get sober.
Pay attention to his actions, his words are meaningless.
I understand your anger and frustration. I used to feel like you do too. I was tired of the bullsh*t and the lies, and the denial.
Give yourself permission, to move forward, any way that feels right for you. You are not the one with the problem here. He is. Let him own his disease.
Time to take better care of YOU. Be good to yourself. Do not let his disease consume you.
Wishing you all good things.
There is absolutely nothing you can say to him that will help him to recover. This is his disease, only he can choose to get sober.
Pay attention to his actions, his words are meaningless.
I understand your anger and frustration. I used to feel like you do too. I was tired of the bullsh*t and the lies, and the denial.
Give yourself permission, to move forward, any way that feels right for you. You are not the one with the problem here. He is. Let him own his disease.
Time to take better care of YOU. Be good to yourself. Do not let his disease consume you.
Wishing you all good things.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Nooo! You're not being 'too harsh'!
And you don't EVER have to 'suck it up'!
AND - you ALWAYS have a right to your feelings - mad, annoyed, whatever -
but you DO NOT EVER HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY! Never, Never, NEVER.
Think about YOU and YOUR CHILD. You're both SO worth it!
****{hugs)))
Blue
And you don't EVER have to 'suck it up'!
AND - you ALWAYS have a right to your feelings - mad, annoyed, whatever -
but you DO NOT EVER HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY! Never, Never, NEVER.
Think about YOU and YOUR CHILD. You're both SO worth it!
****{hugs)))
Blue
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To me, your priorty must be your child. If you are focusing all your efforts on your abf, your child is suffering. Children see and hear EVERYTHING they miss nothing, although they internalize their fears. A child should never be exposed to addiction...of any kind.
If you cannot end this for you...do it for your child...you are your childs voice, their future
is yours to guide. Set a good example for your child.
If you cannot end this for you...do it for your child...you are your childs voice, their future
is yours to guide. Set a good example for your child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
thank you so much for the feedback. I am so grateful for the opinions you are all voicing. These aren't easy things to say to anyone, and there are only a few people in my life who truly get what I go through being in a relationship with and having a child with an A. I work in a pretty professional place, and there is one person who is going through a similar situation, but the others, they don't get it.
what you got is a part time bf, sort of. you fit in when the drink does not.
yes. Exactly my sentiments...I'm tired of it. I've told him it's not fair that he gets to pick when he wants to 'join in'. Now my actions need to reflect my true feelings about this disparity. I throw around a lot of words which have become meaningless (Charlie Brown teacher kinda words).
If you aren't yet ready to leave, then double up on your alanon meetings and learn how to detach from his madness.
I am arranging childcare to make sure I am taking care of what I can-myself and my recovery...The strength I gained from those meetings is immeasurable.
If you cannot end this for you...do it for your child...you are your childs voice, their future
is yours to guide. Set a good example for your child.
Having my child is what gave me strength to change. I sought counseling upon becoming pregnant, and went to Al-Anon when my child was only a few months old. I didn't even realize I could set boundaries for myself until recently. I will continue to keep my child in mind as I make choices...thank you for the reminder as I carry on...
what you got is a part time bf, sort of. you fit in when the drink does not.
yes. Exactly my sentiments...I'm tired of it. I've told him it's not fair that he gets to pick when he wants to 'join in'. Now my actions need to reflect my true feelings about this disparity. I throw around a lot of words which have become meaningless (Charlie Brown teacher kinda words).
If you aren't yet ready to leave, then double up on your alanon meetings and learn how to detach from his madness.
I am arranging childcare to make sure I am taking care of what I can-myself and my recovery...The strength I gained from those meetings is immeasurable.
If you cannot end this for you...do it for your child...you are your childs voice, their future
is yours to guide. Set a good example for your child.
Having my child is what gave me strength to change. I sought counseling upon becoming pregnant, and went to Al-Anon when my child was only a few months old. I didn't even realize I could set boundaries for myself until recently. I will continue to keep my child in mind as I make choices...thank you for the reminder as I carry on...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
