SoaringSpirits

With my AH, I feel like I am pushing on a string. He is a very emotionally disconnected man. But if you met him on the street, you'd think he was the nicest guy in the world. I have come to believe that he is basically a shallow person. But a very decent man as well, just not that "deep." We have been separated now for 6 months. For the most part it is amicable. My AH has been staying sober around me and the kids and has taken a more positive role in their lives. He's pleasant and helpful. He hugs me when he goes home but there is no spark toward me. I dress up for him and he never seems to notice. I've grown weary of wishing and hoping he'll say just one sweet thing to me. I feel so rejected.

The last time he told me something remotely romantic was nearly 2 years ago. The most expressive thing he says is a matter of fact "I love you --- you know that." To be fair, I knew he was not much of a romantic going into my marriage with him. I probably married the wrong guy if I'm honest with myself.

Why do I always feel like I am pushing on a string with him? How do I give up that my own husband will ever want me again? At what point do I yet again initiate a discussion so we can figure out what we're doing with this separation, the kids, etc? I'm trying to detach, yet I'm reeling so much from his withdrawal of affection for me.

I know his first love is now vodka, I know that. It's just so damned hard to be the woman left behind and to not take that personally.

dollydo

When you are ready you will seek an attorney to finalize the marriage. As long as you are married to him, you are financially responsible for his actions, if he gets a DUI, your insurance goes up, if he mames or kills someone while under the influence, you will most likely lose everything.

Marriage today is nothing but a financial arrangement, divorce is nothing but a divisions of assets and child support issues. That's it. Emotionally your marriage has been over for a long time, when you end it financially is up to you.

There is no reason why you cannot bring up the marital settlement issue, for some reason, you do not want to face it.

LaTeeDa

In my case I needed to figure out why I had to be "wanted." What was it about me that needed somebody to need me so badly? Luckily, I had a really good therapist to help me work on my issues. It was never really about him at all. It was always about me.

L

GettingBy

((((SoaringSpirits))))...

I stayed in my marriage for so long because of the person I thought my AH could be. This dream I had of him - where he was so kind and loving and compassionate to me. Where we were partners who worked equally towards our common goals. I clung to that dream - I had hope for that dream. I did everything I could think of to make that dream come true.

I too went out of my way to get validation from my AH. I dressed up, I cleaned the house, I did all the chores, I was accomodating... I bent over backwards to show him how loving I was. I wanted so badly for him to do the same back for me. But he didn't because he couldn't.

My AH is an alcoholic and he can't give me the love and validation I so desperately wanted from him. He can't give it to me because he doesn't have it. He can't even love himself and give himself validation.

Accepting the reality of my marriage was so freeing for me. I no longer kept trying to "push the string." I took all that energy and focused it on my recovery - and as I did that - my life did get better. I got healthier, calmer, happier, more self-confident... and was able to start facing my fears, and make those seemingly impossible decisions that would move me towards a better life for me.

I am worthy of love. I am a beautiful, special, loving, caring human being. I look in the mirror and love what I see. I know now that I am worthy of someone who appreciates how special I am. My AH does not. I love myself enough today to not settle for less than I deserve. The road to this point in my life was not easy - but it was so worth it.

SoaringSpirits

I just want to know that the last 20 years have not been a complete sham. That at the end of the day, as we head into divorce, that he at least feels some basic respect and warmth toward me as his wife of 16 years and the mother of his four kids. Just the occasional pat on the shoulder, literally, any recognition at all.

I know I am chasing my tail. I know it's about me and not him, but I'm so tired of figuring out ways to make myself happy. I know he's an alcoholic and all that. I know he can't love me when he doesn't love himself. It's just so painful that there can't even be some basic warmth between us even as we bring this marriage to a close. My AH continues to live in denial about everything, his drinking and the fact that our marriage is long over. I sometimes even long for a real fight, not just a smiling man who makes nice and pretends the elephant isn't in the room.

Thank you for letting me vent. I have absolutely no place to do it except here and my journal. In between counselors right now as I shop for a female counselor who has substance abuse training.

GettingBy

My experience has been... moving into the divorce process has made my AH even less likely (if that's even possible!!!) to show love/respect towards me. Hard to imagine that he could get colder - but somehow he has managed. I know how you feel - I too wanted him to say, "Gee, Gettingby, it wasn't all your fault. You were a good wife."

It ain't gonna happen. Not while he's in active alcoholism anyways. So, not today... and probably not anytime soon as far as I can see.

It can't happen because of his disease. He is full of shame and self-loathing and the failure of this marriage is just one more thing to make him feel crappy about. So ME... I = pain and failure to him. To his disease... I am Evil. I am the one who challenged status quo. So, when I consider that reality... it's highly unlikely I'm ever gonna get an attaboy from my AH.

I know I was a good wife. I wasn't a perfect wife but I was good. I was loving. I am pretty, smart, and attractive. The failure of this marriage is not a reflection on my self-worth nor his as a human being. The failure of this marriage is a result of the family disease of alcoholism.

What helps me is to remember the expression...

Going to an alcoholic for love and compassion is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread!!!

Learn2Live

My take on it is that the last 20 years of my life are the past and I need to let the past be the past. It's funny you should post about this today because I was just having this conversation with myself this morning LOL! Sometimes I hold onto the good and sometimes I hold onto the bad. How can I say it's good to hold onto the good but make sure you let go of the bad? Is that valid? IDK!

But let me say with kindness, that divorce does not typically make folks get the warm fuzzies for the person divorcing them. If it were me saying these words, the place I would have been coming from is a place of needing validation. I had to learn, then learn again, and learn and learn and learn again and again that NO ONE is going to validate me or my perspective, especially not an alcoholic or addict. I had to let go of all those old expectations that ANY of those people in my life were EVER going to see things my way, validate my feelings, agree with what I did, or thank me for my efforts, my money, my house, my time, my support, my sacrifices, ANY of it. I had to let it all go. And once I did, boy WHAT A RELIEF! Let the past be the past, hon. Let go and let God.

SoaringSpirits

I would still stay separated from him, but I think it would give me a glimmer of hope that there was still enough humanity in him to have the passion to try. I read this article, and it seems to put into words what he no longer brings to our marriage (alcohol issues aside), which is appreciation, affection, respect and trust.

Thoughts on Love, Marriage and Relationships

SoaringSpirits

Thank you Gettingby for reminding me of all this. You are so right in everything you say. I am adding your post to my ever-growing Word document with helpful words.

Learn2Live

Here's how I would translate this for myself:

...I think it would give me a glimmer of hope that there was still enough humanity in me to have the passion to try. I read this article, and it seems to put into words what I need to do for myself (alcohol issues aside), which is
Appreciate myself!
Be Affectionate toward myself!
Respect myself! and
Trust myself!

Just another take, another way of looking at it, that might be helpful

SoaringSpirits

Thank you everyone for your wise words and for giving me a lot to think about.

I so appreciate all of you here at SR.

Learn2Live

(((hugs))) SoaringSpirits. Take good care of YOU.

LaTeeDa

The 20+ years I spent with my AH was not a complete sham. Regardless of how he feels about it or whether he recognizes it or not, I loved him deeply and faithfully. My feelings and commitment were honest and true. I did everything in my power to make the marriage work. I took my role as wife and mother very seriously and did the best I knew how to at the time.

All the pain and joy I experienced during those two decades was real. And I am who I am now because of those experiences. That's how I see it anyway. How he sees it doesn't change it for me at all.

L

SoaringSpirits

So I thought a lot about what you all had to say all day yesterday. I asked my AH to sit down and talk with me. We talked for several hours and had a very productive, calm conversation. It's pretty amazing how strong his denial about his alcoholism is. The upshot about all of is that he does not want to stop drinking, and that he does not feel he is an alcoholic. He says he has cut back a lot (which I believe) but "what if I want to go wine tasting? Or to a party with wine? Why can't I do those things?" I told him that it's his choice, but that MY choice is that I can no longer live with an alcoholic, period, and that I felt it was best for us to separate ourselves financially and legally at this point.

We agreed we are at an impasse and that we should move ahead with divorce or legal separation and do so in the most cooperative manner that preserves our assets and income. We outlined our assets and talked about how we would divvy things up, and how we will handle the children. We are going to go for a consult together with our CPA and a family law attorney and get tax and legal advice and figure out a game plan for making all of this happen.

It was a hard and sad conversation, but in the end I felt so much RELIEF. It is like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I can move forward with my life.

Thank you again.