quitforme79

I'm sure all of us on this forum have known enablers, been one or both. In my current situation, I am dealing with the worst enabler I have ever seen and I have met quite a few in my life time. I feel so angry, I want to shake this person or spit words of venom to make them see they are only making the situation worse (supporting the addict financially and denying the extent of the obvious problem). I know this probably isn't appropriate that I want to curse them out haha and I haven't done so yet. I have tried to educate this person on alcoholism and enabling (giving books, sending links) and they went to al-anon only once saying "i didn't like it". I feel that their enabling behavior is possibly endangering the welfare of this particular addict even more as in buying them a weapon so they can go hunting (this is someone who in the past who threatened to shoot themselves while using). I have considered cutting this person out of my life and my therapist agrees w me 100%---the relationship at this point is just toxic for me because I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. Sorry so long...anyone have any advice on how they dealt with a severe enabler or at least got over the anger in a healthy way w/o wanting to scream some sense into them?

LaTeeDa

For me, it's the same, whether dealing with an addict or enablers. I cannot control others, no matter what they are doing that I disagree with. Letting go is the only thing that works for me.

L

Pelican

I like this version of the Serenity prayer:

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (other people)
the Courage to change the things I can (me, myself and I)
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

I also gave myself permission to remove toxic people from my life.

quitforme79

Thanks guys...I know the best thing for me is to cut this person out. I am working on my own recovery and part of my success is not getting involved with the chaos. Now to have the dreaded conversation of "don't call me anymore" ugh, I feel bad but will be worth my sanity

UpSiDeDoWn

It makes me sad to read your post. Not that I do not totally understand. If a situation such as this, truly bothers you to the degree that it sounds like, than you most definitely should cut that individual out of your life ... As much as possible anyways.

I think that there are probably many people that have just discovered this site and perhaps are still thinking about finally getting involved in Al Anon. But they are not "there" yet. I believe ... I think, that I have discovered, just as it is with the alcoholic, realizing you need help, seeking help and then actually acting upon it is a process. An excruciating difficult process.

While I can totally understand your extreme frustrations with your situation, hopefully ... If/when this individual would come back to you for some support, you will be able to keep an open mind and be there for that person?

I am very new to all of this, so perhaps I had no right to respond to your post? I just felt like I saw a bit of me in the situation you described.

Best,
Upsidedown

OwlFeathers

I agree with both jds, and upsidedown.
You aren't saying what the relationship with this person is in relationship to the addict, but if it is a family matter, and you have tried counseling, etc, and still feel this is pulling you under, it might be best to let it go. Of course, I think if it is a family matter, then maybe a simple explanation would be called for in the least. If it is a person outside family, then I think no explanation needed. I agree with jds, the best way, for me anyway, is to just simply end contact. Explaining usually gives them a way to keep up the drama.
on the other hand, upsidedown has a point. The first time I went to Nar-anon, I was hoping for what I thought would be positive answers, solutions to the problem, how to I fix the addict. That isn't what I got and I left so sad and depressed, I couldn't stop crying thru most of the meeting, and I bawled all the way home. One person took my name and number adn said they would call, and they never did. I have not been back, tho now a couple yrs later, I am thinking I might try it again. Perhaps this person just hasn't gotten to the acceptance stage yet, ... it is a fine line between support and enable.
Have you stopped to think that maybe the enabler your so upset with needs some love and a shoulder to cry on too?

quitforme79

UPsidedown & owlsong, thank you for your responses...they have a lot of good advice. The enabler is my boyfriends mother (and father but he's not AS bad); well ex boyfriend who I left because he starting using again. I have reiterated time and time again that I need them all to leave me alone because I need to take care of myself and move on with my life. Hearing about him falling further and further into the abyss just makes me physically and mentally sick. I cant eat, sleep etc. The break up is still so new so i'm struggling with grieving and of course worried like heck about him. I left because I didn't want to watch him kill himself but his family continues to try and drag me into it. At first, I was that supportive person for them, (his parents) but now I see the enabling mess and me being part of the chaos is doing more harm to me. It just puts me in a bad position because I really do care about his family and we've shared great time over the past few years. In crisis anyone can become desperate and that's how his parents are now and I get that...but the denial of the extent of his disease and facilitation of financial and supportive means just allows him to keep using comfortably or rather, more comfortably than most. I hate this

dollydo

I would suggest that you go no contact with all of them. Nothing good will come out of continuing to talk to them. it is their arena, let them work it however they decide to do it.

He is your EX.....Expand on that, let go and work on you, your recovery from codependency. As long as you continue to participate in their madness, you will never find true peace or happiness.

chronsweet

You sound like you are talking about my bf's mom. LOL! I know it's not funny, BUT, the story sounds very much the same.

I asked my ABF's mom her definition of an alcoholic, and she said almost verbatim, "Someone who has no control over their drinking. Someone who can't stop once they have started." I went on to explain that her son drank every single, and I mean EVERY SINGLE, day. She made the excuse that when SHE DRINKS with him that he doesn't always get wasted. After explaining that yes, she leaves, and he continues, SHE still could not and will not accept that he is an alcoholic. Do you think that maybe it is because she is one too? HAHAHAHA. Does/is your b/f's parents addicts?

Sorry for my rant, the title of your post and your story is all so familiar. IF you are gone from this man's life, then the best thing is to go about your business. Don't let them sucker you back in.

quitforme79

My ex's mom thinks its great he doesn't do it every day and at work but he told me he does so what the hell does she know? She's like well he hasn't gotten a dui yet...yeh well some people go thru their whole life drunk driving and never get one!! I mean, really!? hahah we have to laugh sometimes, otherwise we'll go mad. And no, they don't drink at ALL. So she just says to him, "cut it out" "just stop" yeh ok...if it were that simple AA would be only a symbol for a battery. Thanks so much for your response...I hope you have better luck than me and stay strong!

skippernlilg

This has also been one of my biggest challenges. RABF's mother has blamed everything in the world for RABF's 'bad luck' except for the true issues. Now that he's recovering, he's been trying to gently let her know that it has been his alcoholism that has caused all sorts of unmanageability, not the other way around. The 'blessing' to me is that she also blames me so much that she has decided to go 'no contact' with me and my son.

At first it hurt because I thought so highly of his family and of her. I realize now that it's all a process for everyone, and my recovery is where my focus is.

TakingCharge999

I have noticed that what angers me is some trait I have but do not fully recognize yet.

I was bugged by my mom and her lack of decisiveness, boldness in her life, her lack of friends then when I applied all that to my life it was an eye-opener....

I was bugged by my ex landlord who was harsh, judgmental, abusive even and then I realized what angers me is not that woman that no one ever is going to change, but how harsh, judgmental and abusive I have been towards myself... and judgmental towards others as well....

So you are bugged by someone who makes a situation worse.
How are YOU making a situation worse?
And how can it be improved, for your benefit?

Well these are questions I ask myself when I feel anger, which has been often lately.

I also read something interesting today.
It urged the reader to think

"I let go of anger"

What a concept, I thought letting go was about people, but turns out we can let go of feelings as well.

On a deeper level, we can let go of the version of ourselves who is resentful, self destructive, whatever... even entertaining the idea makes me feel more relaxed.


Sorry for the rambling, all the best. Limited contact/no contact is a great option and am also in the process of seeing who is who, for real and dedicate my limited time/energy to those who deserve it.