TakingCharge999

Today he sent me an email: one of his best friends died.

He said although she smoked like hell no one ever saw her cough or get ill (so, of course it couldn't have been her addiction...)

He said since his best friend died decades ago in an airplane crash he hadn't felt the need to cry until today.

So he divorces, leaves 2 kids and doesn't feel like crying a single time.

WTF.

I do not know why but knowing that a person feels bad about something helps me move on. I find it very very difficult to forgive and move on knowing the other person does not care, did not feel hurt.

As if they are worth a lot and the loss for me is very deep, but for them I am worthless, not really a loss. From my experiences with dad, XABF and people in between, its more like they are happy to leave.

It's hard.
Now I feel like crying. And I am angry. I don't know what to answer. I do feel sorry for his loss.

Good news is I got therapy tomorrow.

Thanks for letting me vent this here.

Seren

TC, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this right now. I am sorry for the loss of your father's friend.

Perhaps you could tell him the truth in a non-judgmental way. Just simply stating how you feel about what he said. Certainly tell him that you are sorry for his loss....but also tell him how that statement about his crying made you feel.

But, that's just my opinion. Certainly others may have a much better idea!

Hugs, HG

bookwyrm

:ghug3

TC, my dad will say something incredibly insensitive to me now and then. I've learned to expect it from him. I don't have a whole lot of contact from him - maybe a telephone conversation once a year or so - but every time I do I expect to hear something along those lines from him. I stopped talking to him for about 15 years and only reopened lines of communication because of pressure from my family. When I did, I discovered I could detach from him. I don't give his words any weight any more, they no longer mean anything to me now. (if only I can work out to do that with what he's said in the past I'd have it made!) I expect it from him. And I wonder why I still keep that contact with someone who hurt me so badly...

Your dad seems to hurt you a lot, almost every time you have contact with him. Is it worth it? What do you expect from him? Is he capable of giving you what you want from him? You don't have to let him do this to you. When I first joined SR, someone posted that they thought of their emotional and mental health as a brick. If you hand that over to someone they may well hit you with it! If they do, stop handing them the brick! (or something along those lines) Detach, detach, detach. You deserve so much better!

cymbal

(((((TC)))))

I think I know just how you feel.

My Dad seems to take credit for any good.

I asked him finally about did he regret bringing a woman home while my mom was away when I was seven? Did it not hurt for him to abandon me at age twelve with no contact for three years?

I just think I'm hoping for the eventual acknowledgment that he was wrong. Instead he's taking credit for how "well" I turned out. Sigh!

He has a habit of spinning & justifying & twisting reality to suit him.

Its a button for me. I feel angry.

I do not know of anything that would help it except his repentance, but I don't think that I'll receive it. I need to not expect it to change. Oh and sometimes I feel bad because my feelings about things are such a jumble and poor him its like walking through a minefield. He just hasn't got a clue by four.

(((((BW))))) is so right. Detachment is a key.

Thank you for sharing. You're not alone.

Tuffgirl

I don't get my Dad, either. Or my Mom most days. I am not sure they understand me. And I really don't like my sister. *SIGH* families!!!

TC, I hope your day gets better. As they say in Al-Anon, feel the emotion and then let is pass. Your Dad probably didn't intend to come across as insensitive...just wasn't thinking about the words coming out of his mouth.

Stay strong!
~T

Thumper

It is hard to accept people as they are when it is not at all what we need/want. Keep working at it

Remember that your dad's ability to be what you want/need is not a reflection of your worth or value. It is simply a reflection of who he is.

wicked

:ghug3

TC,
I am sorry your dad is so insensitive to you and your feelings.
I see you are in pain, but I think when he says that is the only time he felt like crying he is not really considering you.
What is deeply and painfully sad about that is you are waiting for him to see your pain and feel the loss.
Honey, please let this go. He cannot give you what you want from him.
All you need and all you ever needed is within you.
Please remember this.
You are the universe.

Beth

TakingCharge999

I wanted to cry then I got a call from work and couldn't cry. I had to bottle my feelings.

Then the issue was something I don't understand. Made me feel dumb and inexperienced.

I talked to my mom. Remember our house to be sold? legally the $ goes to me and my sister. Well she wants 3/4ths of the money. The 1/4th she wants to leave for me is not enough for me to buy a home. Then she proceeded to tell me that if I wanted to give her a gift that "she prefers cash".

I am just starting a career and renting in another town. I resent the fact she has been healthy but has decided not to work, or leaves the jobs very early for this or that. Her codependency made her depend on my dad's money as after the divorce he agreed to keep sending her money. Then he decided not to giver her any money anymore. Thus her safety net disappeared. I resent her lack of ambition and the fact she wants $ that my dad worked for my sister and me.

Then I arrive home and the landlord tells me the cats have spread their odor and that I can't take care of them and to get rid of them. I've taken care of them for 6 months now without issues.... ! anyway as I am not giving them away I may find myself moving out for the Nth time.

This week has been my 24x7 week. I have worked 34 hours straight... total for the week will be around 70 I'm sure. When I tried to take a nap, 15 minutes passed and our customer called me for me to check something else. I am at the end of the rope here. Good news my anger propelled me to seek help from an attorney. I know how it might look dumb for many here but I finally hit my "doormat at work" bottom this last week when lack of sleep and constant demands made me cry for the 2nd time.

And then back to my dad's email.

It is incredible, I sorted my dad's emails and before the last one he sent me some e cards saying "wherever you are I will always be there for you!" ending his mails with "I love you" etc and I think there is no wonder I used to like an ALCOHOLIC. Empty words all the same!! book I was looking for understanding from his part now I see how ridiculous this idea is and yes I am letting it go.... I need to let it go. Without a conscious plan in mind I have gone no contact with him, I email only for matters about the house and I read his emails but do not reply, with my anger and what not... anyway I had plans to visit him in 2 years in Finland but given how little attention he gave me in our last meeting I am considering my hard earned money might be of better use elsewhere..... this makes me sad, but its true.

The other day I was asking my mom something about the past and she got so angry and defensive..... I am realizing how she quacks too, about her 10+ years in therapy and how she is still unable to talk about the past.... makes me wonder if it was that horrible...?



I am realizing I feel I am the parent here and they are my kids asking for money and for emotional support. I need money and emotional support!! ughhh!!



I just ran into my therapist and I lost it infront of her and now feel dumb. She tells me I have to go to therapy weekly. I wish I could. But I can't afford it anymore. I hope I can at least take one session every 2 weeks.



Thanks for listening and being out there, for your validation and support.
I am definitely a mess today.

WhoWasIThen

Oh TC, my heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for your post, because it has really helped me decide to not let my kids go through what you're going through. I will be a strong and healthy mother for my kids, who will be dealing with their AF as they grow up.

My father sounds sooo much like yours, although he wasn't an alcoholic. I do believe he was a sociopath. He abandoned us at a young age when he had an affair with my mother's best friend, got her pregnant, and married her. My mother went to pieces .. I never did get my whole mother back, although she did the best she could and in some ways was really strong.

Anyway, I have to console my sister especially very often even now, two years after he passed away from colon cancer. She occasionally feels like she doesn't matter, because she didn't matter to him. We had hoped that on his own death bed, he would realize what he had done and make amends for it. But he didn't. He only acted the way he had for years, and asked for more from us without giving us anything back.

He too took credit for the good things we had achieved on our own, or with the help of our mother who had to be both parents for us. He too failed to ease our pain, or feel our pain, or be sorry for our pain. And I loved him very much when I was young. As the oldest, I remember him before he changed. To this day, I don't know how that man became the man who left us so easily, not caring what it did to us, not needing to make it up before he died.

I can only tell you what I tell my sister, it's who he was, it's not about us. It's so sad we didn't have a whole father, but we can be better mothers to our children because of it. We take the love we didn't get from him, and give it to our children two-fold. Hopefully some day, you will have the chance to go from being a son to a father, and then you won't miss him so much.

Much love.

gns

Dear TC99,

As horrible as this week has been you are seeing SO MUCH that will let you be free.

My parents were imperfect in their ability to love, too, in different ways. I also felt like there was something wrong with me. With time, and therapy, and yoga and slowly developed GOOD relationships I am learning to love MYSELF and that frees me to forgive and detach.

Based on your posts, It sounds like you wisely saw how your dad makes you feel not good enough. Hopefully you will be able to see that THAT IS NOT TRUE. Your dad was/is imperfect in his ability to love you - there is NOTHING wrong with you!!! Maybe true with your mom too in different ways?

dbh

At times like these, I am so grateful for recovery.

My father died in August. Prior to his death, he was sick for about two years. He had dementia and emphysema.

I can so related to notes with "I love you!" written all over them. It used to make me feel so angry. Until I set some boundaries, I would also get late night drunken calls where he would tell me now proud he was of me. That would make me feel ill.

When his dementia got really bad, he had to move out of his apartment and into an assisted living place. My brother and sister didn't want anything to do with him, so with the help of a cousin I moved him out. I had to go through boxes and boxes of stuff that he accumulated over the years (which all smelt like cigarette smoke). It was one of the hardest things that I had to do - look at the ruins of my father's life. However, it turned out to be a healing process for me.

As I was going through his things I found parking tickets which were never paid, notices of many bounced checks, court orders for missed child support, etc. I also found many "I'm sorry" cards that he never sent. I'm pretty sure that they were meant for my mother.

Looking through these things made me realize that he was barely able to take care of himself. It's actually amazing that he was able to do as well as he did through the years. It helped me release him of his parental duties. I stopped going to the hardware store for milk. It was still very sad, but it became so crystal clear to me that I should have stopped wishing that he was someone else years ago.

Grieving and letting go of the dad I would never have helped me accept the dad that I got. Which was also painful.

However, I was genuinely sad when he finally did die and there are actually things about him that I miss.

Thanks for letting me share.

Hugs,

db

TakingCharge999

God bless you all.
Given I am in a sensitive mood many of your words made me cry!!

gns how much time did you spend to therapy until you felt stronger?

It sounds like you wisely saw how your dad makes you feel not good enough.

Ahh very very clearly... I think this is The Root Problem....... I hope, and have been told, that when I heal from this XABF or any other will be easy to forgive/mourn/let go..

TakingCharge999

dbh thanks for sharing your story... wow how impacting, to read those "I'm sorry" cards....

Issue with my dad is that he has no addictions, worked a lot, has been responsible financially for the most part and everyone says what a smart and intellectual and well traveled and "healthy" dad I have... he is functional..

This thread helped me realize how that hurts as well, when I mention my feelings and the other person says "but he has been wonderful!! there are worse dads!!" well of course there are worse people. How is THAT going to make me feel better??? made me realize I also go to the HW store for milk in the friendship area.

I would like to answer to other posts but I am exhausted-- definitely need to talk about this.. for now I'll fall asleep crying!! play the violins!! ahhh, the realities...

TakingCharge999

How many things I have done and I have let happen just because I believe so deeply I am not worth it. I feel very sad.

TakingCharge999

I talked to my mom about this and she said she doesn't feel he hasn't felt sad about other things- its just that the sadness related to friends is "safer" to share

She also recalls when his best friend and his family died and how he didn't cry or hugged her or anything just closed the door and spent some days alone in a room.

No wonder I tend to isolate and keep everything to myself. And am afraid to "step out to the world". Ugh. BOTH of my parents hide very well.

I asked for clarity well TC999 here it is !! ok Universe..can you please hold on the clarity for now.. too much to process at the moment...

gns

Wow TC99, you are amazingly insightful,and so quick to grow!!! You are inspiring!

I think you are completely right, that not feeling good enough is the root problem! And it is sad that you have felt that way for so long..and (like most of us) done a lot of things because of that core belief.

As far as therapy for me - talk therapy (cognitive behavioral) didnt help me as much as therapy that tapped into my emotional reality (EMDR, sandbox - child psychologist who knew how to tap into my emotional side/child self). Yoga helped in that way too.

Knowing you, you will continue to grow in leap and bounds whatever you choose!!

dbh

You know, I'm not sure whether my father was actually truly sorry for anything that he did. I'm not sure whether he ever truly comprehended the affect his actions had on others. Like many alcoholics, he spent most of his life focusing solely on himself and his addiction.

All the "I'm sorry" cards were probably just another attempt to manipulate my mother into taking him back. I'm glad that she didn't. Our lives were better without him.

I think he was mostly sorry that his life turned out the way it did.

My dad had his functional and not so functional moments. People always did like him though. I too would often hear what a "great guy" my dad was, it would drive my mother crazy that people couldn't see through his facade.

I would often minimize my father actions. I didn't know anything else. I was in my thirties before I could even acknowledge that my mother was not the perfect mom. My mother is not an addict, but struggles with her own demons (she also grew up in a dysfunctional home). We grew up following strange rules at times. For example, we were always suppose to be outwardly "happy" and often reprimanded for expressing negative emotions.

You don't have to be an addict to be emotionally unavailable to your children.

Guess you can always find better and worse parents/families/life situations, but acknowledging that what happened to me as wrong (period) was helpful for my recovery.

Wishing you all the best on your recovery journey.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

TakingCharge999

I have absolutely NO money until the next paycheck.
But I invested in therapy and I don't care. I feel much better now!!!

We did an exercise where I imagined my "benefactors": mom, my sister, my therapist, a healer I just met, and they were encouraging me to get my sadness, anger, resentment out.

I imagined my dad and imagined myself hurting him in many ways. In the visualization we were in the desert so I buried him alive. The therapist asked me if I wanted my mom to help me bury him and I said yes. Later on after I was done, I was guided to imagine the dad I always wanted and pictured him infront of me. Of course this made me cry the most -good thing she has a lot of kleenex boxes around- and I also had t say goodbye to him.

It was funny bcause on Monday I was a drag and didn't even went out of bed and kept crying and feeling sorry for myelf.

On Tuesday I had therapy and managed to get to the gym.

Today I am very happy even when things are not going so smooth, trying my best to keep a good attitude, even put on great clothes and makeup and happy to go to pilates and kick boxing later tonight.

I know I have many of these exercises to come but I feel a slight change, especially in my jaw as I was clinching it too much. It was great to feel the love of others that do care about me and I also felt a Presence, I am not sure who else is spiritual here - I know some are- but I felt this incredibly tender and loving presence easing my work, that kind of HP moment that I have felt several times now, in dreams, with healers, during such exercises and I am finding it easier to tap into this source when I need it.

You were all right stating no human can ever fill the "God -shaped hole in the soul" .

TakingCharge999

Oh something else that the therapist said is that this man sending me such messages is no longer the "kind dad" I remember and its also because of the partner he chose . She is very cold and quite selfish. Therapist said we mimic/mirror people around us that is why it's so important to choose well. And yes, my dad has turned as detached and icy as the ice of Finland where he lives now. I noticed this the last time I saw him. Its sad but it was also a AHA moment. I feel I am coming more to terms with reality. I feel slightly more... peaceful.

Thanks for letting me share

TakingCharge999

I now feel able to give my condolences then move on.

He won't get it, I can't cure him.