Fowlplay

We talked a bit ago and he said he wanted to drink because he "didn't like it" when he wasn't. Like an obstinate child. I've about had enough. I love him so much, but I cannot keep living like this. It's like he's testing me to see how I'll react or what he can get away with, like a child. I told him that I am trying to understand addiction and having a hard time understanding why someone would choose booze over their wife and family. I just don't understand. I am so sad.

Fowlplay

I'm sitting here alone with the kids and having the hardest time no breaking down. He really had nothing to say. It is so weird, he always has something to say. I don't know what to do. I really want to pack up and leave and say eff it all, go to Florida and be with my parents but they don't have room for me and the kids and my 18 year old is in college. I just can't leave. I have no one to talk to about this, my Mom isn't home and I have no friends. (surprise!) I just cannot fathom not caring what my spouse thinks of feels about an issue that is so damaging to the relationship. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't find a sitter for the kids, so no Alanon meeting for me.

nodaybut2day

Fowlplay, we're here. We get it. I've lived through that indifference and felt it tear a hole through my heart. I've puked, gotten migraines, and lost weight over it...

Try to remember that just as you cannot make him stop drinking, you simply cannot make him care. He has shown you that his #1 priority is his booze. As heart-breaking and frustrating as that realization is, it is reality.

Can you perhaps take a little break from the kids (pop a movie in for distraction) and take a few minutes to yourself? A hot shower, some food/water and get in some comfy clothing? Whenever I felt like I was on the edge of despair, I tried to remember to attend to HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). I got hugs from my baby girl, fed myself and made sure I rested if wasn't able to sleep. And yeah, I posted on SR like a mofo.

akrasia

Drunks get left. Yeah, it's hard to quit drink but millions of people manage to do it.

Who's dancing attendance upon your moods? Giving you high-fives and back-pats when you get through a challenging day?

He can either drink or he can have a family life--that's not anyone being mean, that's just a fact. Right now he's chosen drink.

I hope you get some help and support for yourself.

dollydo

Most of us here have been where you are, however, you have choices. You can make a plan, open your own checking account, start stashing money, I would call it your JIC fund.

Right now he has no intention of seeking recovery, that's it, you must either accept it, or, make plans to leave. That's it, no third option.

I wish I could say that I am surprised, but, I am not, he was not in recovery, he was just playing "Lets Pretend".

It is not so much the circumstance you are involved in...it's how you handle it.

Get to some meetings, keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.

MsGrace

Fowl....I just went through this. I tried to be the poster great supportive wife...just sure I could love him enough to make a difference.

I was wrong. I told him I would support any way he wanted to pursue recovery, but if he didn't he could not be with me. He left that very day, and never looked back.

It has been the worst despair of my life....a total waste of our love, our life, and the happiness we had sober. I could not choose for him. It was his clear choice. I am grieving this...deeply. BUT. I spoke my truth...without playing the manipulation, beg game for another decade. Better to adjust to reallity where it is...and re-build my life right here.

I'll get through this. It's not easy..but I will. I need truth, genuineness, loving attention in a relationship. The addict cannot do that. Get in Al Anon, and begin to heal. You too, will find your way....

Fowlplay

Well, he left. Or rather didn't come home. I called him around 9pm to see what he was doing and he was still working at one of the offices. His brother was there, too, painting while AH did the computers. We had a quick chat, I asked him what his plan was-should I lock up or wait up for him? He said he would be staying at our apartment building tonight. I didn't even react, just said okay and asked him when he was coming to get his stuff. He said in the next day or so. I've been on the phone with my Mom for awhile. I called his Mom to tell her that I didn't want her to come get the kids tomorrow, told her what happened, told her that he came home last night with beer and had drank some on the way home. He called again a few minutes ago and was pi$$ed, said I told his Mom he was driving around drunk. I told him what I actually said and why I called her. We chatted about something mundane and then I asked him what I was supposed to tell the kids in the morning when they get up and Dad isn't home. He said, and I kid you not, "huh, you'll think of something, it doesn't matter what I say, you'll tell them something horrible about me." I told him I would never do that, that I loved him but he chose the booze over me and the kids when he decided to not come home. I told him I was worth more than booze and so were our kids and the life we built together, but that I refused to live with a falling down drunk anymore. He said he guessed we had nothing left to talk about tonight. I agreed and said goodbye.

What do I tell the kids in the morning? They asked why I slept in the spare bed last night and when I hestitated, they said it must be because Daddy was snoring. Yeah, I sleep in there occasionally when he's snoring because he's drunk. I don't know what to tell them in the morning. Help, please!

jessiec

Wish I had some answers for you -- I don't have kids and I'm not married to my ABF. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Stay strong -- as hard and heartbreaking all this is, remember this too shall pass. Seek support from family, perhaps church, etc. And keep posting here. I know others always have great advice.

Leaping

I dont know how old your kids are, but mine are young and I told them he was snoring (which he was) when I slept seperately from my A. Keep it simple, focus on the day ahead the fun thing you will all do. As you continue to make decisions that involve your A you can go into more detail, but for now I would keep it at that.

When I was going through what you are now it was a confusing, gut wrenching experience. Very stressful. Be kind to yourself and take little steps. My initial consult with an attorney was free and very informative.

Hang in there, you are doing great!

Fowlplay

The kids are 10 and 8, and an 18 year old in college. I don't know what to tell the little ones in the morning. I am done. Done done done. I love him more than I can say, but I can't believe he loves me that much if he'd just not come home and then again a weekish later decide he's not coming home because he wants to drink. I would never do this to him or anyone I loved. But, whatever, I can get past this, but I need to know what to tell my kids.

BobbyJ

If I had to do it over again, this is what I would say.........

Sit all 3 of them down, be honest......

Example: "Some people drink alcohol and they dont get addicted and some people who drink alcohol like daddy do get addicted. It is called addiction. It doesnt mean he is a bad person, it means he has a sickness that we can not see. He need's help and You & I cant help him, I really wish we could. Only daddy can help himself. He can go to classes that will help him, but right now, he does not want the help."

"The best thing that you and I can do, is stand back & love daddy. You and I did NOTHING to cause him to drink, even if he says I or we did. He chooses to drink and there is nothing we can do about it."

"For awhile you might see or hear funny or bad things, just ignore them. When adults drink too much alcohol, it makes their brain crazy, just ignore it. I want to be honest with you and hope that you wil do the same to me. I need all of you kids, to talk to me
anytime of the day or night. I dont want you to be afraid, I am here for you, dont ever forget that"


To some point, Kids dont need to know all of your sad feelings, but it is best
if you educated them about the diesase....

There are some great sites on the internet too, for small children..
Alateen is one of them...Dig around, I have seen them for small kids, with little
pictures to help explain it...

REMEMBER::::::::::: Alcoholism progresses, which from my past, this is only the beginning of your ride....It sounds so negative, I know...But you need to start preparing yourself for a very large storm. Dont panic, you can only do it ....one day at a time..BREATH!

Pray tonight about what is right for you to tell your kids....
When it's right, you will have peace! You might vomit and cry, but it will be right!

Fowlplay

Thank you so much for your reply. You have no idea what it means to me right now.

BobbyJ

Your 18 year old, can probably tell you more about alcoholism, than you ever imagined
They see it all of the time.
But like most, they think it's just drinking too much, not understanding there is a difference in alcoholics...

OMG!!.....My hat's off to you lady...For being a strong mom & standing up for your kids!!
That is freaking awesome!!
Dont fold, keep doing it for yourself and your kids...

To help yourself and the kids, if he could move away for awhile, that might save the kids from seeing him pass out drunk..that is an ugly site to see...
P.S - I am so lucky that my kids, never got to see mine **** or **** his pants, which
is common with alot of alcoholics....

I will pray for you tonight and your kids....I really will!!!

Just when you think your not strong enough, you will awake in the morning with stronger
wings than you had today!!!...You will be just fine...Alittle crazy feeling, but fine!

BobbyJ

Yes, my x-alcoholic husband...Loves his bottle more than me, our family, his family.