AH has a week under his belt.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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AH has a week under his belt.
And is actually considering going to AA meetings. 
Last week it was a definite no way. He also started a money jar and is putting $5 a day in it to keep himself motivated, and when it's full he wants to do something as a family because "this is my issue and it was and is affecting the family, so we should celebrate this together". He's so proud of himself, as he should be, and I am, too. Crossing my fingers. I love him so much and have laid off him and he's doing all of this on his own accord. We had our thanksgiving on Saturday and he was having a hard time, so he took a drive up to the store alone and got two sodas and a bag of chips. LOL It helped him to disengage for 15 minutes. I'm encouraging this type of stuff. He's going to be stressed out because it's our busiest time of year for our business, but he's talking about his stress and saying that even though he feels like he wants a drink, he refuses to give in to it. Any advice for me on how to handle things? Wish us luck, please.
Last week it was a definite no way. He also started a money jar and is putting $5 a day in it to keep himself motivated, and when it's full he wants to do something as a family because "this is my issue and it was and is affecting the family, so we should celebrate this together". He's so proud of himself, as he should be, and I am, too. Crossing my fingers. I love him so much and have laid off him and he's doing all of this on his own accord. We had our thanksgiving on Saturday and he was having a hard time, so he took a drive up to the store alone and got two sodas and a bag of chips. LOL It helped him to disengage for 15 minutes. I'm encouraging this type of stuff. He's going to be stressed out because it's our busiest time of year for our business, but he's talking about his stress and saying that even though he feels like he wants a drink, he refuses to give in to it. Any advice for me on how to handle things? Wish us luck, please.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is white knuckling it, I personally have never seen that technique work.
So, what are you doing for you? Going to Alanon meetings? Have you read all the stickies in the Family & Friends forums? That includes the F & F of Substance Abusers.
Work on you, you both need to get healthy.
I will hope for the best!
So, what are you doing for you? Going to Alanon meetings? Have you read all the stickies in the Family & Friends forums? That includes the F & F of Substance Abusers.
Work on you, you both need to get healthy.
I will hope for the best!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
This sounds like when my A came home from rehab the first time. Not going to AA but "lookin into it" and planning special trips, even talking to the kids about all the fun we were going to do that summer. My A's little trips to the store soon became excuses to get out of the house - and buy/hide alcohol.
I am not trying to rain on your parade and I truly hope your A has found what works for him. I just know that, for me, this scenario was a recipe for relapse
Peace
I am not trying to rain on your parade and I truly hope your A has found what works for him. I just know that, for me, this scenario was a recipe for relapse
Peace
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Fowlplay,
I remember the first time that my AH of 23yrs quit drinking, following the death of his alcoholic father at an early age and in unpleasant circumstances. He was going to AA and seeing a therapist, and having nice 'chats' with our grownup daughter but after a few months his demenour changed, he was bored with life, bored, bored! Then the drinking started again.
I was devistated as it hadnt even occured to me that he would fail at not drinking. It was a huge shock.
Please protect yourself as it could all turn around in a second! Dont let your expectations and hopes up too high as its a long way to fall.
Do try alanon too, if you are not already.
I remember the first time that my AH of 23yrs quit drinking, following the death of his alcoholic father at an early age and in unpleasant circumstances. He was going to AA and seeing a therapist, and having nice 'chats' with our grownup daughter but after a few months his demenour changed, he was bored with life, bored, bored! Then the drinking started again.
I was devistated as it hadnt even occured to me that he would fail at not drinking. It was a huge shock.
Please protect yourself as it could all turn around in a second! Dont let your expectations and hopes up too high as its a long way to fall.
Do try alanon too, if you are not already.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
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Is the statement that he's 'white knuckling' it coming from the fact that he's not in AA?
I am a sober alcoholic (not through AA). I did similar things to your husband (reengaged with my family.. took short, infrequent breaks when I needed to). I did use some Rational Recovery, too.
Wishing you guys the best.
I am a sober alcoholic (not through AA). I did similar things to your husband (reengaged with my family.. took short, infrequent breaks when I needed to). I did use some Rational Recovery, too.
Wishing you guys the best.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I recommend staying on your side of the street. Keep taking care of yourself.
Allow him to work his recovery, his way.
I do not have a crystal ball to predict the future. Instead, I can recommend staying in the moment and enjoy today.
Each of us must work our own recovery at our own pace, and with our own resources.
I wish you both a peaceful journey!
Allow him to work his recovery, his way.
I do not have a crystal ball to predict the future. Instead, I can recommend staying in the moment and enjoy today.
Each of us must work our own recovery at our own pace, and with our own resources.
I wish you both a peaceful journey!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The best advice is, just take things one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time.
Don’t look too far ahead down the road keep your eyes on the right now here and now.
It’s always actions that count the most – not words.
((hugs))
Don’t look too far ahead down the road keep your eyes on the right now here and now.
It’s always actions that count the most – not words.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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And today things aren't working out in the offices for him. He's on his way home with DD. He's agitated, upset, and stressed out and saying how much easier it would be if he could drink. I told him I was proud of him and that he could get over this bump. He said it's all nothing but bumps. I don't know what to do. He's stuck in his head again. Hopefully things will calm down. I'll keep you all posted. Thank you so much.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
do yourself a favor...Find a alanon class, educate yourself and keep on posting
your heartaches are not over my dear friend
im not trying to sound negative, i am just stating the facts
if he wants to drink, he will and all of your cheering him on, wont really matter
if they want to drink, they will
if they dont want to drink, they wont
the sooner you learn to sit down your cheering pom poms and get yourself
set in place with a recovery program the better off you will be...
just so you know, i cheered mine on for 16 years....quess what, he still drinks!
your heartaches are not over my dear friend
im not trying to sound negative, i am just stating the facts
if he wants to drink, he will and all of your cheering him on, wont really matter
if they want to drink, they will
if they dont want to drink, they wont
the sooner you learn to sit down your cheering pom poms and get yourself
set in place with a recovery program the better off you will be...
just so you know, i cheered mine on for 16 years....quess what, he still drinks!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
One more note: You should he is "considering" AA...
Considering is not anywhere near the words of: HE IS IN A PROGRAM
If he wants it, he is the only one who can go get it.
So step back, take care of you, and let him do his own thing.....
Because sooner or later, he might blame you for his drinking
That happens alot, just so ya know...
If he was in a AA class or sometype of recovery program, I would
have better peace with this story, but without some sort of program
to help him, it's like he is trying to stop the bleeding of a open wound with
a kleenex...He need's more and you can not fix him!
All of us have tried to FIX our's and it just does not work that way.
Wish I had the powers but I dont and neither do you...
Considering is not anywhere near the words of: HE IS IN A PROGRAM
If he wants it, he is the only one who can go get it.
So step back, take care of you, and let him do his own thing.....
Because sooner or later, he might blame you for his drinking
That happens alot, just so ya know...
If he was in a AA class or sometype of recovery program, I would
have better peace with this story, but without some sort of program
to help him, it's like he is trying to stop the bleeding of a open wound with
a kleenex...He need's more and you can not fix him!
All of us have tried to FIX our's and it just does not work that way.
Wish I had the powers but I dont and neither do you...
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I suggest strongly urging him to go to AA, where newcomers get tremendous support. As a recovering alcoholic (20 years) I can tell you early recovery (first six months) is hellish. Mood swings, like 24 hours per day PMS in a full moon.
This is something he must do on his own. You can encourage him but he is responsible for taking those first steps alone. I strongly urge going to to Al-anon.
This is something he must do on his own. You can encourage him but he is responsible for taking those first steps alone. I strongly urge going to to Al-anon.
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Thank you all, so much.
I have asked him to go to AA and his response a few weeks ago was a firm hell no. Now it's, I'm thinking about it. I can only do so much, but you all know that. He's having a hard time tonight. He's blamed me in the past for the drinking and I refused to take the blame for it and still do. There is nothing I can or have done to cause his problem. It's his problem. I told him tonight when he wanted to drink, shoot he still does, that all I could do was love him and support him but that there's nothing I can say to make him feel better. He says he's angry because he wants to drink and can't. (or won't) This is the absolute most stressful time of year for our family being that this is a family owned business. Just now his father called, on the way home from Tday stuff and wants AH to meet him at the interstate with a wireless router for an office FIL wants to work on tomorrow. It will take AH an hour to get there and back. I'm furious that FIL is pulling this at this time of night, but AH had to go. Hopefully he'll come home without booze. We shall see.
He's pretty angry right now and tried blaming me for giving him an ultimatum a few weeks back and I refused to get into it, stating that he was the one who decided that he was quitting. He flipped after I gave him the ultimatum and went on a binge as my previous post stated. He came home and told me he wasn't going to drink anymore and didn't want to and shouldn't. I agreed. I reminded him of this tonight, that this wasn't my fault, that I loved him and supported him, but this was his show.
Did I do the right thing? How do I handle it when he's so angry? He's not yelling or anything, he's seething. He's not being mean just quiet and seething. Any help?
I plan on Alanon, just trying to find the time to go. I don't have a babysitter and he's working so much right now.
I have asked him to go to AA and his response a few weeks ago was a firm hell no. Now it's, I'm thinking about it. I can only do so much, but you all know that. He's having a hard time tonight. He's blamed me in the past for the drinking and I refused to take the blame for it and still do. There is nothing I can or have done to cause his problem. It's his problem. I told him tonight when he wanted to drink, shoot he still does, that all I could do was love him and support him but that there's nothing I can say to make him feel better. He says he's angry because he wants to drink and can't. (or won't) This is the absolute most stressful time of year for our family being that this is a family owned business. Just now his father called, on the way home from Tday stuff and wants AH to meet him at the interstate with a wireless router for an office FIL wants to work on tomorrow. It will take AH an hour to get there and back. I'm furious that FIL is pulling this at this time of night, but AH had to go. Hopefully he'll come home without booze. We shall see.
He's pretty angry right now and tried blaming me for giving him an ultimatum a few weeks back and I refused to get into it, stating that he was the one who decided that he was quitting. He flipped after I gave him the ultimatum and went on a binge as my previous post stated. He came home and told me he wasn't going to drink anymore and didn't want to and shouldn't. I agreed. I reminded him of this tonight, that this wasn't my fault, that I loved him and supported him, but this was his show.
Did I do the right thing? How do I handle it when he's so angry? He's not yelling or anything, he's seething. He's not being mean just quiet and seething. Any help?
I plan on Alanon, just trying to find the time to go. I don't have a babysitter and he's working so much right now.
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Aaannnddd he came home with beer. I have been distant and not engaging him. He seems to want me to fight with him over it and I refuse. I am heartbroken and don't know what to do at this point. It is so gross to me when he drinks. My nerves are shot, I'm nauseous and have a headache over this. I'm going to bed and will be finding an Alanon meeting for tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do with the kids, but we'll see.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You did well by not engaging him.
Good on you!
Sorry, I know this sucks! I know the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
Try saying the serenity prayer, over and over, and repeat as needed!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Good on you!
Sorry, I know this sucks! I know the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
Try saying the serenity prayer, over and over, and repeat as needed!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Definitely head to AlAnon.
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He passed out in his chair at his computer last night. I left his butt there and went upstairs and slept in DSs room in the spare bed. He's still sleeping. I don't even know how to act when he wakes up. I'm just sick over this. But I can't say I'm surprised.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It was good you didn’t engage him when he brought the beer home. That’s a big step, one of you has to change the cycle and right now it doesn’t appear it’s going to be him.
Get yourself busy with the kids, go to a park, go out shopping, do something other than sit in anticipation of what his reaction is going to be when he wakes up.
Get yourself busy with the kids, go to a park, go out shopping, do something other than sit in anticipation of what his reaction is going to be when he wakes up.
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