Cmslind

Hi all. I'm back after helping my AB to rehab. Since he returned middle of august, he has had four relapses. He is in deep denial . . . He claims he is not like those other alcoholics who drink a fifth a day, he can have beer or wine occasionally and be fine, his drinking was the rersult of depression ove joblessness etc. I get so angry when I hear this . . . Especially since his drinking led to crack cocaine use in my home. He hasnt contributed financially to the household in about eight months and before that he was able to contribute only sporadically when he sold his stuff. After all his lyng acnd frequent relapses, I just feel that I cannot trust him at all, and exPerience deep resentment when he flies off the handle if I DARE to ask if he has been drinking. He will NOT discuss AA with me as that is apparently none of my business. I've come to hate him and am disgusted by him. But he doenst have a dime and is completely dependent on me. I feel trapped by his dependence. He will be on the street without me. But he is so manipulstive I just don't know how to live with it any more. Am I the one who is messed up?

littlefish

No, but his economic dependence on you is a serious issue in itself. He is not your husband and you don't have any legal entanglements to consider and the division of any property probably won't be as much of a headache as for example a marriage split up.
Saying he is manipulative is really half the picture.
Have you sought help from alanon? This issue of dependency and freeloading is really a very common topic on F&F...I'm sure someone else will come along shortly and offer some experienced advice.

OwlFeathers

You say you are feeling trapped because he will be on the street without you. Hon, that is what he needs. He needs to stand up on his own two feet, and not rely on having a soft place to land. There are options for him. There are shelters, and the salvation army. And probably he has friends who would let him stay a night or two while he figures it out. He existed ok before you go together. Trust me, telling my AD that she could not live at home anymore, knowing that she would just go live with her drug friends in a place less than sanitary and safe was one of the hardest things if not the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. But my home has returned back to a home, and at the end of the day it is a soft place for ME to come home to.

Go to some AlAnon meetings, tell him to leave, change the locks, and save your sanity. If he is doing crack, you can bet that sooner or later when you aren't at home, there will be someone else in that house doing it. Things will also start disappearing.

Much love, cuz I know your in a hard spot to be in.

Pelican

I doubt you were put on this earth to feed, clothe, house, and clean-up after a grown male.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

When you've had enough, you will make the changes.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Mightyqueen801

You know, my EXAH was in the same boat when I finally had to kick his ass to the curb. I was his support. He had no place to live and no way to support himself without me. I felt terribly, terribly guilty, but he was so out of control and we had a daughter, and he had to go. But, he did survive and not only survived but found a place to live, found a job, then found a better job, and is now still an alcoholic but is functional enough to keep his job, which includes an apartment (building super).

Yours will survive, too.

The therapist I saw after I kicked him out said to me, "You always felt as if you had to take care of him, right? Well, by kicking him out, you took care of him better than you did by supporting him because he was forced to learn to take care of himself." That really stuck with me.

Shadydeal

Wow, I have the same story. I know they others tha ave posted are exactly right! I haven't been strong enough to kick my ABF to the curb but based on the past, it's really the best thing for all and maybe the only hope for help. I hope I find the strength to do just that as well as I hope you do too. It's really not our problem and truthfully we aren't heing them at all.

coffeedrinker

I get so angry when I hear this . . .

So stop listening.

when he flies off the handle if I DARE to ask if he has been drinking.

So stop asking


He will NOT discuss AA with me

See above suggestions

Sweetie,
you are barking and he doesn't hear you because he is moo-ing. You are not speaking a language that he - so mired in denial and comfort with the way things are - cannot understand.

So stop trying. One day, perhaps, he will take the class and understand your words. This might happen next year, it might happen in three decades, and it may never happen. You need to choose whether you want to live in those possibilities.

Keep coming here. There is much to learn.