Saying no
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To me, you are overthinking this situation. Mature adults understand the word No, they have used it themselves, it has nothing to do with liking or disliking a person. It is all about choices, do you choose to do so and so or not. If not, then No, clarifies the whole verbal exchange.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Are you saying No because you do not like them?
It seems you are afraid to say NO because you don't want them to think bad thoughts about you, right? What they think of you is beyond your control.
What is within your control is to do things that you are comfortable doing, and for healthy reasons.
Have you played the tape forward? What if you tell this relative "No." w/o extended explanations. What happens next?
They might be disappointed, but they will recover.
They might have resentments, but the resentments are based on their premeditated expectations that you would say yes. They might be mad, but they can get glad in the same pants they got mad in.
Their reactions belong to them.
Your choices that bring you peace, belong to you.
It seems you are afraid to say NO because you don't want them to think bad thoughts about you, right? What they think of you is beyond your control.
What is within your control is to do things that you are comfortable doing, and for healthy reasons.
Have you played the tape forward? What if you tell this relative "No." w/o extended explanations. What happens next?
They might be disappointed, but they will recover.
They might have resentments, but the resentments are based on their premeditated expectations that you would say yes. They might be mad, but they can get glad in the same pants they got mad in.
Their reactions belong to them.
Your choices that bring you peace, belong to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
If I was allergic to Crawfish, shell fish
and family is having a crawfish boil, I
would have to tell them I cant eat it or
i could die with an allergic reaction to
it....my throat would swell cutting off
air to my lungs.
I would tell them according to my doctor
it is advised strongly to not eat it.
Family members are not in control of
my health or body. I am responsible
for my own well being and health.
Same thing for someone who is a diabetic.
The doctor can tell you that if u continue
to eat sugar foods, ur health will be in
jeopardy and if you cant control it then
you would have to take insulin shots.
If i go to my families holiday party knowing
there will be lots of sweets, i would be tempted
to eat it and because i have little to no will
power over taking that first bite of something
sweet, i would be putting my health in danger.
As an alcoholic, i am responsible for my own
recovery and sobriety no matter how much i
try and explain to family members and those
who are not addicts. Addicted to alcohol or
drugs or sweet foods.
For me, i have to avoid situation where temptation
is there, including family. If necessary use ur
doctors advice and suggestions to avoid alcohol,
drugs, or sweets, but dont lie about why u cant
do any of those things.....if we have to lie, then
later we will have to return to make amends for
lieing about our situation.
Being responsible for my own health, recovery
and sobriety is on the top of my list. If im not
responsible then no one else will be.
and family is having a crawfish boil, I
would have to tell them I cant eat it or
i could die with an allergic reaction to
it....my throat would swell cutting off
air to my lungs.
I would tell them according to my doctor
it is advised strongly to not eat it.
Family members are not in control of
my health or body. I am responsible
for my own well being and health.
Same thing for someone who is a diabetic.
The doctor can tell you that if u continue
to eat sugar foods, ur health will be in
jeopardy and if you cant control it then
you would have to take insulin shots.
If i go to my families holiday party knowing
there will be lots of sweets, i would be tempted
to eat it and because i have little to no will
power over taking that first bite of something
sweet, i would be putting my health in danger.
As an alcoholic, i am responsible for my own
recovery and sobriety no matter how much i
try and explain to family members and those
who are not addicts. Addicted to alcohol or
drugs or sweet foods.
For me, i have to avoid situation where temptation
is there, including family. If necessary use ur
doctors advice and suggestions to avoid alcohol,
drugs, or sweets, but dont lie about why u cant
do any of those things.....if we have to lie, then
later we will have to return to make amends for
lieing about our situation.
Being responsible for my own health, recovery
and sobriety is on the top of my list. If im not
responsible then no one else will be.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by choublak 
Too many adults don't take no for an answer and if you tell them no they want to know why, and if you're sure you mean no.
But, I guess that is their problem and not mine.
But, I guess that is their problem and not mine.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I guess that is their problem and not mine.
And sometimes you have to practice, when you're used to being a codie. Seriously. Practice saying "No" in front of the mirror.
I have a friend who's unable to say no to anything. So she lets herself get drafted into volunteering for more things than she possibly has time for, and then she feels guilty when she renegs on the promises she's made.
I've told her I should get a bunch of recovering codies together and we should teach a class called "Naysaying 101" -- I'm pretty sure there would be a market for it.
What I'm telling my children is this (and I use it with my youngest when she has issues with friends, and my oldest with romantic entanglements):
"You have a choice here: Either you do what he wants -- and then you get upset. Or you do what you want -- and then he may or may not get upset. So basically, it's a choice between knowing that you will be upset and the possibility that someone else might get upset. Would you rather have someone else be upset or be upset yourself?"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hey here's a GREAT practice opportunity! Any darn big box store trying to get you to "sign up for a credit card". Went to Kohl's yesterday and they asked once, I said, "no, thank you", and they asked AGAIN, in a cutesy little "are you SURE you don't want to get 10% off today?" Yeesh...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,928
First, it is hardest to maintain personal boundaries (say no) with the people closest to us. Still it's supremely important to do so for both parties sakes. Saying yes when you should say no only breeds resentment and self recrimination and often causes one to be vastly over extended. It seriously damages relationships.
There is a technique called "assertive delay" that I learned about at Brattleboro. Basicly, we MUST get into the habit, when asked to do something (non trivial), of saying "Gee, I'd like to, but I'm not sure that I can. Let me think about it and get back to you". That gives one the opportunity (breathing space) to consider whether we want to get involved with the request and also, and perhaps more importantly, whether we have the time and energy necessary. The person asking knows up front that the answer might be "Sorry, I can't" and also that they are asking a favor, not to be taken for granted.
By using this technique one never has to feel the pressure to say yes to everything. It's extremely important to value and maintain our personal boundaries. No one, no matter how close, has the right to tread on those boundaries.
There is a technique called "assertive delay" that I learned about at Brattleboro. Basicly, we MUST get into the habit, when asked to do something (non trivial), of saying "Gee, I'd like to, but I'm not sure that I can. Let me think about it and get back to you". That gives one the opportunity (breathing space) to consider whether we want to get involved with the request and also, and perhaps more importantly, whether we have the time and energy necessary. The person asking knows up front that the answer might be "Sorry, I can't" and also that they are asking a favor, not to be taken for granted.
By using this technique one never has to feel the pressure to say yes to everything. It's extremely important to value and maintain our personal boundaries. No one, no matter how close, has the right to tread on those boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Choublak))) - when I first got here, after decades of being a really good codie, I read "no is a complete sentence". I thought there was no way it could be that easy.
I would hurt someone's feelings, I would let someone down...on and on and on. It took me a while to realize that when I didn't say no, did whatever someone was asking me, I'd later be angry at myself (and them, to some degree) because I was doing something I didn't want to do in the first place.
I started saying "no" when I meant it. I'd also read "say what you mean, don't say it mean". Since everyone was used to me doing what they wanted, I got a lot of flak. Though, I didn't really have to, I did explain myself, at first.
I still get flak, every now and then, I still have people that don't understand a simple two-letter answer. The difference is? I'm not beating myself over the head because I didn't have the guts to say "no".
I know, for me, it took time and practice to learn that it's okay to do, or not do, something for me. The cool part is, it's a pretty good feeling knowing you stood up for yourself.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I would hurt someone's feelings, I would let someone down...on and on and on. It took me a while to realize that when I didn't say no, did whatever someone was asking me, I'd later be angry at myself (and them, to some degree) because I was doing something I didn't want to do in the first place.
I started saying "no" when I meant it. I'd also read "say what you mean, don't say it mean". Since everyone was used to me doing what they wanted, I got a lot of flak. Though, I didn't really have to, I did explain myself, at first.
I still get flak, every now and then, I still have people that don't understand a simple two-letter answer. The difference is? I'm not beating myself over the head because I didn't have the guts to say "no".
I know, for me, it took time and practice to learn that it's okay to do, or not do, something for me. The cool part is, it's a pretty good feeling knowing you stood up for yourself.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Let's practice:
"Would you like to come with me to get a couple's root canal?" No, thank you.
"Would you like to join me in a two-day pudding eating binge?" No, thank you.
"Would you like to write my 4-page research paper for my English class?" No, Thank you.
"Would you please go with me to visit Grandma?" No, Thank you.
"Would you answer my phone for me and lie to my spouse for me?" No, thank you.
"Would you babysit my needy children for a weekend so I can take a much needed spa weekend?" No, thank you.
"Would you cook for our family's Thanksgiving dinner?" No, thank you.
"Will you buy me some flowers?" No, Thank you.
"Will you cut my hair for me this Saturday?" No, thank you.
(All of these except the Root canal and pudding eating are true stories in my life recently)
"Would you like to come with me to get a couple's root canal?" No, thank you.
"Would you like to join me in a two-day pudding eating binge?" No, thank you.
"Would you like to write my 4-page research paper for my English class?" No, Thank you.
"Would you please go with me to visit Grandma?" No, Thank you.
"Would you answer my phone for me and lie to my spouse for me?" No, thank you.
"Would you babysit my needy children for a weekend so I can take a much needed spa weekend?" No, thank you.
"Would you cook for our family's Thanksgiving dinner?" No, thank you.
"Will you buy me some flowers?" No, Thank you.
"Will you cut my hair for me this Saturday?" No, thank you.
(All of these except the Root canal and pudding eating are true stories in my life recently)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
I found that if I was unable to say No! ,then I would go into the lying and justifying routine,this then made me feel even more guilty,I look back now and think how stupid,
Just as was stated above- Now if anyone calls or rings for me to do something,I too give the reply of ' I'll ring you back in a few mins and let you know' !, or can I just have a think about that and then let you know,
I found too I was usually on their list of other helper's and I would be either their 1st person or somewhere in the middle of their list to call for help., and funnily enough they always found someone ! if I said No
Know this came into the category of People Pleasing stuff on my part- but so freeing when I got past this,dont have to lie and justify myself.Though at times I can still fall back into it ,so I'm working on this being one of my defects of character-but slightly less so, than I used to be,ahhhhhhhh!
All best wishes to everyone practicing the 'No' word
Just as was stated above- Now if anyone calls or rings for me to do something,I too give the reply of ' I'll ring you back in a few mins and let you know' !, or can I just have a think about that and then let you know,
I found too I was usually on their list of other helper's and I would be either their 1st person or somewhere in the middle of their list to call for help., and funnily enough they always found someone ! if I said No
Know this came into the category of People Pleasing stuff on my part- but so freeing when I got past this,dont have to lie and justify myself.Though at times I can still fall back into it ,so I'm working on this being one of my defects of character-but slightly less so, than I used to be,ahhhhhhhh!
All best wishes to everyone practicing the 'No' word
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by choublak
But, I guess that is their problem and not mine.
That's in a nutshell.
Someone who's trying to talk you into something after you say no? They're being a jerk.
A brief, polite, no-drama "no" is not mean at all. What works for me is keeping it light and simple: "No, I'm not going to do that." And then if possible, I move things along by changing the subject, "So how's your job going?"
If your cousin keeps bringing it up, say ONE TIME, "Hey listen, you've asked and I've said no. That's just how it is. So we're done on that." And then you move on.
If she doesn't drop it after that, you just need to give her some space so she can let it go on her own.
I remember one time when my sister and I were younger, we were at college together and I assumed we would be going home for Thanksgiving together. A few weeks beforehand we were talking about it and she let me know she wasn't intending to go home. She was going to stay at school and get some work done.
I'm ashamed to say that I gave her a hard time about it. I was hurt, tired, lonely, overworked--I was really looking forward to a roadtrip with my sister. And I thought Thanksgiving at home was going to be a DRAG without her. My dad had just got remarried, blah blah.
So I'm afraid I was all, "But--but--you can't not go! Let's talk about it! Don't you care about how I feel?"
And she just kindly and succintly said, "I've made my decision, I'm not going to go, I'm sorry you feel that way."
There was nothing I could really say to that. Finally I was like, "Fair enough." And after my hurt faded I really respected her for setting the boundary in such a kind and strong way.
Anyway, I share this little story in the hope that it helps you.
(I can tell I'm becoming old because I keep digressing into old stories. I'm becoming like my grandfather: "And then one time in twenny-nine, me and da boys was at da track...")
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