sadstephanie80

I feel the weight of the world coming down on me. My husband is an alcoholic. He was laid off in June and has been binge drinking since. I have 3 small children who he has been taking care of while I am at work to save $ on daycare. He's been sneaking out at night while I am asleep either to the liquor store or to a bar. Over the course of our relationship he has kicked the front door in, kicked the bedroom door in with me behind it, punched out windows, broken locks, wrecked his car twice, stolen my car twice and so much more. A few weeks ago I woke up to the back door of our house unlocked and wide open. I need to mention that it is the back door to our pool and we have a 2 year old who tries to get out there whenever he can. The freezer door was also wide open and we lost all of our frozen food. I asked him to leave because his drinking was dangerous and he did, for three days and like an idiot I believed him and let him back. Two weeks ago I woke up to the sound of what sounded like the dog peeing on the floor. I sat up and saw him pouring vodka into a glass on the bedroom floor. I kicked him out again. He sobered up and went to a counselor and promised this time would be different. He lied.
Tuesday I woke up to find my car missing. All of the lights were on in the house and the tv was on. I looked outside and both of our cars were missing. I called him and immediately knew when I heard his voice that he was drinking. He made it to the house at 6:30 saying he "went to get milk". There were two gallons of milk in the fridge. I asked him if he had been drinking, he of course said no. I asked to smell his breath, and sure enough it smelled like liquor. He swore to me on our marriage and our children that he hadn't been drinking. I left for work and started checking the bank account. Lo and behold, he went to a bar and stopped at a package store after the bar. He claims he left his car because he was too drunk to drive but forgot his phone and took my car to go get it. I told him I knew and we had an argument, then I hung up on him.
Two hours goes by and I have called over & over trying to find out if the baby was alright. I must have called at least 20 times. Worried, I drove to the house. I walked in and found him passed out unconcious. Our 2 year old son had destroyed the house and had taken a wine glass out of the dishwasher & broke it. The glass was all over the house. The first thing I saw after I opened the door and saw my husband was my little boy running up to me with a large jagged piece of glass in his hand which he was playing with. His hand was cut.
I immediately woke up my husband, took the baby and got my other two children from school. They spent the rest of the day at work with me. I told him that this was the last time and he kept saying "it was only one time".
He refused to leave, I ended up calling his parents for help who came and removed him from the house. He's been gone three days now.

I've found out he has been drinking during the day, and every night he is buying a mid sized bottle and cranberry and drinks it while I am asleep and hides the bottles. He's been replying to personal ads on craigslist and I cant even say what else I found.

I feel so lost. All I have ever done is love him. I just, it's too much. My son could have seriously hurt himself. Not to mention my daughter and my other little boy. My daughter came to me crying last night. My oldest son refuses to take down the "family picture" out of the living room. I don't know what to do or who to talk to and all I can do is keep crying....................

fedup3

Welcome SS80! I'm so glad you found us but so very sorry for the reason you did.

Please read the stickies at the top of the page, read, read and read some more. You will find a lot of help from those on this site so bookmark this site and come back often. We all have been wounded in this battle with alcoholism and are here to support each other. Please try and find an Al-Anon meeting it will be a big help to you.

I'm giving you hugs for you and your children.

stepsforward

The best thing you can do for you and your children is educate yourself on A. Go to Alanon, continue reading and posting here and go get yourself some books on A. YOu cant help him but you can help yourself. Hugs to you I know just how you feel.

nodaybut2day

hi sadstephanie...and WELCOME to SR. I'm so glad you found this place; there's lot of wisdom and support to be had here.

If you aren't already thinking about it, I would strongly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting and attending. There you will probably hear over and over again the 3 C's of addiction:

You didn't CAUSE the drinking
You can't CURE the drinking
You can't CONTROL the drinking.

I too used to think that if I just LOVED my ex enough, he would change for the better, for me, for his son, for our baby girl...but the reality of the situation is that until your AH (alcoholic husband) hits his bottom and decides for himself that he's had it with the booze, there's is absolutely nothing you can do.

The only thing you can change is yourself.

I'm so glad you took steps to protect your children from their irresponsible father (and I'm so thankful no one was gravely injured while he watched them). As the responsible adult, it is your duty to protect your children...even from their own father.

I know everything is very fresh right now, but I would still recommend that you take steps to protect your finances from your AH. Have your paycheck diverted to a different account and deny him access to your money. Things can get dicey very fast where money is concerned and you have to think of your survival.

Please feel free to come back here and post as much as you want and need. SR is always open! (Also, there are friends and family chat meetings on the week-ends, so you could log in and chat with others who are in or have been in similar situations as yours).

fourmaggie

gosh my heart goes out to you and your children....you and the children are the most important here....

learn the 3C's.... and read as much as you can....do you think you can get someone to watch the children at nite to go to an AL ANON meeting?...there is wisdom at those meetings....here too...and so glad you found this place....

theuncertainty

Welcome to SR, Sadstephanie80. Sending big hugs for you and your kiddos. I really want to tell you that you are such a strong lady and an amazing mom!

sadstephanie80

Thanks everyone. It feels good finally having someone to talk to who knows how I feel. My husband wanted me to keep quiet for so long about everything. I started packing his belongings up yesterday. I have been putting it all in the garage. Hopefully I will have enough time to get everything packed and out before he comes back. Working is distracting me. My 2 year old keeps asking for daddy, but he seems alright. he keeps holding up his hand and saying "ouch mommy booboo". I took pictures of it. The more I am finding out, the more disgusted I am getting. The girls, the lies. I have finally reached my breaking point and I don't care how it looks to anyone else. I have to protect my children and myself. I am okay. I keep telling myself, don't cry- he's not worth it. you are stronger than this, you can do it.............Its just hard thinking of being a single mother with 3 children. I keep hoping that he won't come back, but I know he has to so now I am terrified of when he does. When I get home from work as soon as I pull into the subdivision, my heart drops.....I start to think what if he his here...My parents are on their way here. They will be staying until next weekend so I will have company. Hopefully I can make it until then...Thank you all so much for your support, I've found out many disturbing things he's been doing....It's....I just have to make it through today and I'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here. I have stopped crying though....

problemis

You know, it's alright to cry for yourself from time to time.

Shirt423

I am so sorry for you and your family. You did the right thing because you need your children and yourself to have a safe environment to live. Picturing a child crying at a family photo is heart wrenching. Maybe they would feel better if you explained to them that he is sick, and no matter what happens you both love them and eachother. It is so hard for children to think their parents hate eachother, they blame themselves or even feel guilt for still loving the other parent. I only say this because I have been there.

You are in my prayers.

Serenity8

Stephanie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am divorced now but when I was still married to my ex, I got to a point where I realized I couldn't leave my children home alone with him.

As for this statement:

You HAVE been a single mother, for a long time. I wish you the peace of mind that I have knowing that I don't live with my EX anymore and I don't have to deal with his chaos day in and day out.

I also HIGHLY recommend al-anon meetings. Even if you can't go often, get a phone list and if there''s someone you can connect with and call for a sanity/reality check when things get overwhelming, that would be sooo good for you. Those connections I made early on in the process saved my sanity and possibly saved my life, too.

sadstephanie80

Today marks 1 week since I asked my husband to leave. He has been living at his parents house who are not speaking with him. His father caught him drinking the first day and took the alcohol away from him. I severed ties with him, refused to answer texts or phone calls......Until yesterday. I was doing fine, but now I am doubting myself. After over 30 texts to my phone I finally told him to stop and call me after I got the kids to bed and we would talk. He seemed surprised that I didn' want him to come running back, he said he knows he pushed me too far and he understands what he has to do to get himself right. He says he is going to church, he wants to try to better himself. I told him church alone is not goingto help the problem, he has to seek more help than that.
Now, I'm new so maybe someone could help me understand......Is this normal? I know he wants to come home because it's easier for him but how many times do you let them back before you say enough! I keep thinking, maybe he can change, maybe this time will be different, but what's so different about this time over the last hundred times? How can this time be any different. I'm so confused.......

nodaybut2day

Look at ACTIONS, on a long-term basis, not at words. Words don't mean jack and are so easily uttered and forgotten. Ask me how I know...

I'm with Anvil. There's no rush to do anything right now. You are allowed to take the time to think things through, whether that takes 6 months or 6 years. It is also entirely your right to walk away if you so decide.

From where I sit, you let yourself get swayed by his machine-gun tactic (he wears you down with endless texts and emails), but your instinct spoke truly from the start. Trust that.

Bernadette

I know he wants to come home because it's easier for him but how many times do you let them back before you say enough!

Time to focus on what's easier for YOU and your children.

For me? ENOUGH would have been what you have already described.

Alcoholics will say ANYTHING to keep their enablers enabling them and their addiction. You've already seen that he will drink no matter what - even when his children's LIVES are in his hands - so this is addiction in full bloom - don't be fooled by what he says.

He knows what he has to do? He's getting help at church? Super. Let him be then. Let 6 months to a year go by and see what his ACTIONS tell you. Actions only tell the truth. Talk is just that.

How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving.

Can you get him to come get his stuff while your mom and dad are there so you have some support and maybe even you can not be present when he gets his stuff from the garage?

I keep thinking, maybe he can change, maybe this time will be different, but what's so different about this time over the last hundred times?


Nothing will be different because nothing has ACTUALLY changed.

When an alcoholic gets sober for real and finds recovedry you will see a difference in them so profound and obvious. they will not have to make promises or pronouncements or boasts or blaming statements because recovery does not transact in any of that baloney - only addiction transacts in false promises, lies, blame, and denial.

Stay in reality. Focus on you and those children. Do you have friends? Maybe reach out to a friend when you feel confused or need distraction from the pity and sad thoughts that make you doubt what you know to be true. AlAnon is good for learning new tools to cope and maiking friends who have been where you are.

B

Thumper

I discovered that all that confusion was my gut/internal voice/intuition/whatever you call it trying to watch out for me. The confusion came from trying to shush and ignore my own internal voice. Do not doubt what you know. When I listened to and follow my internal voice I sometimes still experienced fear, sadness, discomfort, guilt etc. but not confusion.

My experience was that my husband really pulled out all the stops when I started to seperate. He ramped up guilting, blaming, manipulation, emotional abuse, pushing all my fear buttons (and he knew what they were) etc. He was just relentless (hours and hours and hours of hammering away) - way worse then anything that happened during the marriage. When I was trying to find my inner voice and listen to it - work through all that confusion/doubt and try to understand what was real and what wasn't during that time a poster here told me to find a rubber suit - that I was about to enter a war with alcohol. True words. Let what he says bounce off your rubber suit. You don't have to win the battle, focus on the war. Watch what he does. Believe what you see and what you already know. His voice is driven by alcohol addiction. He'll say anything to protect the addiction and the life that enables his addiction. Listen to your own voice, the one looking out for you and your sweet kids.

Bernadette

from Thumper: The confusion came from trying to shush and ignore my own internal voice. Do not doubt what you know. When I listened to and follow my internal voice I sometimes still experienced fear, sadness, discomfort, guilt etc. but not confusion.


WOW so so so true! Thanks for this.

Peace,
B

vujade

For him to feel immense remorse and look for a quick fix? Totally normal.

My experience was somewhat similar to yours but instead of physical harm, it was financial (and an affair that sealed the deal). I invited him to leave last July and sat back and waited. For the first couple of weeks, it was AA meetings and a private counselor. But when I told him that he wouldn't be moving back in anytime in the foreseeable future, those efforts to change his lifestyle and choices quickly diminished into non-existent. He was FLOORED that I was holding my ground on it. And I have to admit that it was the first time in our marriage I had ever really done that.

For years, I went through the maybe-he-really-means-it-this-time uncertainties. It wasn't until I finally stopped second guessing myself, what I KNEW to be true along with my intuition, that I was able to hold firm, sit back and wait to see what HE would do. And he did nothing. And that told me everything.

In dealing with my weak moments, I realized that there is a huge struggle between doing what we want to do and doing what we should do when they are not one in the same. Many times, it doesn't always feel warm and fuzzy to do the right thing. If it did, none of us would be on this board. LOL! But sometimes doing the right thing sucks rocks...and breaks our hearts...and our babies' hearts. But we KNOW, down inside, the difference between the two. And we know that by doing the right thing, we are saving more heartbreak in the long run.

I am so sorry for your pain right now. I can tell you that it does get better in time...you just have to ride the waves for awhile and trust the process. AlAnon really helps (although I know that being a single mom makes it hard to get meetings squeezed in there) and so does this board. If you are in a crisis moment and not trusting the way your emotions are leading your mind...post here. There is ALWAYS someone around to respond.

Many hugs and peaceful thoughts for you and your children right now.

Bernadette

oops dbl post

wanttobehealthy

Yes, the "I have learned, I know I screwed up, I am making changes" is all normal. And no, he is not going to be different after just a week- no matter what he says or even how much he wants to believe it (I am convinced that my AH really did believe often, the promises he made-- it's the follow through that he couldn't do). Your H needs professional help. Not church. But that's his to figure out.

You did the right thing by kicking him out and protecting your little ones. I have young kids too and they miss their dad and it;s hard I know to see them sad and confused. But your H was putting them in such danger-- my heart goes out to you and your kids for all you have been through.

When you doubt your decision, come here and talk to us. I found invaluable support and wisdom here from others who've been in my shoes.