Normally a lurker, kind of mad/disappointed today
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
Normally a lurker, kind of mad/disappointed today
I've been a lurker here for a while but decided I needed to post today.
I've been with my abf for almost 3 years now. We have twins that are a little over a year old. I also have kids from my first marriage.
He left to go help his friend move last Thurs. Before he left, I told him that I had an interview today at 1230. He went back to where we used to live-about 2 hrs away. Well, he was going to come back today. I haven't heard from him and I called him 2x this morning and got no answer. I left a message on his voicemail that he may as well stay down there until I come down with the kids (going home for the holiday). I had to call and cancel the interview and reschedule for next week. So he's been gone now for 5 days. Last month, he left but it was for 4 days.
When I reminded him of my interview yesterday, he "forgot." When I told him to just forget it and stay down there until we came down, he said, why? what are you trying to say? just come out and say it? I wonder if in some way he's trying to get me to tell him to leave and not come back.
Since he's been gone, I've been happy. I can do things that I want to do without being accused of something, or not do something without being told I'm should be doing it. It's nice not to have to be woken up with stupid things coming out of his mouth when I'm sleeping in the middle of the night. It's nice to only have to be woken up by my babies when they need something, not some man-baby.
I've noticed that the babies milk has lasted a lot longer than normal. He likes to drink milk after he's done drinking for the night. I like having to buy food for my kids and myself only and not have him eat it.
I can't get him to leave unless I get a pfa on him, which I'm sure I could based on some of the things he's said/threatened me with. The last time when I tried to stand my ground when he asked me to lend him money to buy beer (he will nag me to no end until I give in-he's like a child when he does this) he tapped my cheek when I got angry and told him no and knock it off....he didn't want my kids to hear my getting mad. It did stung a little, but I was like, what just happened here? He told me that last time during our fight that he hated me. He just came out and said that he hates me. He'll call me a b*tch when I don't do what he wants.
He co owns this house with me (we were able to pay cash for it) but I had to finance a portion of the work that needed done here--that financing is in MY name. He won't leave and said as much because he owns this place too. Nevermind that I pay all the bills and the only thing he ever gives me money for is his cell phone bill (and even getting that's a fight).
I won't uproot my kids again. I had to do it when I was with my late h and I lost that home. I know it's just a house, but my kids need some kind of stability and don't need to leave their home again. He couldn't keep this place even if he wanted to. I can't do that to my kids again and let another home go that they love living in for some "man" that can't/won't pay for anything. Did I mention he's unemployed and not looking for work because he's "worked his whole life and never had to collect unemployment" so he's "getting everything he can out of it." He wants to live off his unemployment as long as he can.
I think I'm done with him. What happened today really hurt me. It was only for a casual job, just a few hours a week to earn some money to save.
I KNOW what I need to do, but I can't figure out why I can't grow a backbone and stand up for myself and my kids. I'm tired of pretty much supporting a grown 43 year old "man" and being bossed around by him. I'm tired of not getting my family a dog that they want because of him. He threatens that if I do, he'll force it to live outside. Meanwhile, when I step back and take a look, I think what business does he have in telling me what I can and cannot get my kids? When I'm the one who pays for everything, just because his name is on the deed to this home, he figures he can tell me what is going to go on here.
He threatens to take the babies. I think that he's just blowing smoke with that one, though. It's still a scary thought.
I apologize for the length of this. I'm glad to get it out.
How do I get the backbone to do what I need to do?
I've been with my abf for almost 3 years now. We have twins that are a little over a year old. I also have kids from my first marriage.
He left to go help his friend move last Thurs. Before he left, I told him that I had an interview today at 1230. He went back to where we used to live-about 2 hrs away. Well, he was going to come back today. I haven't heard from him and I called him 2x this morning and got no answer. I left a message on his voicemail that he may as well stay down there until I come down with the kids (going home for the holiday). I had to call and cancel the interview and reschedule for next week. So he's been gone now for 5 days. Last month, he left but it was for 4 days.
When I reminded him of my interview yesterday, he "forgot." When I told him to just forget it and stay down there until we came down, he said, why? what are you trying to say? just come out and say it? I wonder if in some way he's trying to get me to tell him to leave and not come back.
Since he's been gone, I've been happy. I can do things that I want to do without being accused of something, or not do something without being told I'm should be doing it. It's nice not to have to be woken up with stupid things coming out of his mouth when I'm sleeping in the middle of the night. It's nice to only have to be woken up by my babies when they need something, not some man-baby.
I've noticed that the babies milk has lasted a lot longer than normal. He likes to drink milk after he's done drinking for the night. I like having to buy food for my kids and myself only and not have him eat it.
I can't get him to leave unless I get a pfa on him, which I'm sure I could based on some of the things he's said/threatened me with. The last time when I tried to stand my ground when he asked me to lend him money to buy beer (he will nag me to no end until I give in-he's like a child when he does this) he tapped my cheek when I got angry and told him no and knock it off....he didn't want my kids to hear my getting mad. It did stung a little, but I was like, what just happened here? He told me that last time during our fight that he hated me. He just came out and said that he hates me. He'll call me a b*tch when I don't do what he wants.
He co owns this house with me (we were able to pay cash for it) but I had to finance a portion of the work that needed done here--that financing is in MY name. He won't leave and said as much because he owns this place too. Nevermind that I pay all the bills and the only thing he ever gives me money for is his cell phone bill (and even getting that's a fight).
I won't uproot my kids again. I had to do it when I was with my late h and I lost that home. I know it's just a house, but my kids need some kind of stability and don't need to leave their home again. He couldn't keep this place even if he wanted to. I can't do that to my kids again and let another home go that they love living in for some "man" that can't/won't pay for anything. Did I mention he's unemployed and not looking for work because he's "worked his whole life and never had to collect unemployment" so he's "getting everything he can out of it." He wants to live off his unemployment as long as he can.
I think I'm done with him. What happened today really hurt me. It was only for a casual job, just a few hours a week to earn some money to save.
I KNOW what I need to do, but I can't figure out why I can't grow a backbone and stand up for myself and my kids. I'm tired of pretty much supporting a grown 43 year old "man" and being bossed around by him. I'm tired of not getting my family a dog that they want because of him. He threatens that if I do, he'll force it to live outside. Meanwhile, when I step back and take a look, I think what business does he have in telling me what I can and cannot get my kids? When I'm the one who pays for everything, just because his name is on the deed to this home, he figures he can tell me what is going to go on here.
He threatens to take the babies. I think that he's just blowing smoke with that one, though. It's still a scary thought.
I apologize for the length of this. I'm glad to get it out.
How do I get the backbone to do what I need to do?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
How do I get the backbone to do what I need to do?
i know when I have tolerated a bad situation for too long I finally get so enraged that I want everything to change RIGHT NOW!!
Easy does it witharealwinner! Try breaking down what needs to happen into baby steps and simple to-do lists. Maybe do a search on here for threads titled "How did you leave" There is a lot of great info on your question here!
Take a little bite out of your list each day. Even baby steps will get you where ypu want to go. Keep that image of peacefulness while he was away at the front of your mind.
I can't imagine 1 yr old twins! You must be so busy - I had my hands full with solo babies!!
Peace -
B
i know when I have tolerated a bad situation for too long I finally get so enraged that I want everything to change RIGHT NOW!!
Easy does it witharealwinner! Try breaking down what needs to happen into baby steps and simple to-do lists. Maybe do a search on here for threads titled "How did you leave" There is a lot of great info on your question here!
Take a little bite out of your list each day. Even baby steps will get you where ypu want to go. Keep that image of peacefulness while he was away at the front of your mind.
I can't imagine 1 yr old twins! You must be so busy - I had my hands full with solo babies!!
Peace -
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
Thanks Bernadette, I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself today. I hate being that way.
My family knows what's going on. They are all hoping that I get rid of him. My mom is really upset because she knows he's just using me. She has lots of experience with this because my dad was an alcoholic. At least he quit drinking and has been sober for quite some time now.
He says that his family will stand up for him. I don't think they will, as his one sister always asks about his drinking and how things are when I see her, but you never know.
I've already talked to the DV center here and actually spoken with an attorney who said that it might take months to go to a hearing or whatever she had called it to determine what would happen with the house, so that makes me feel better about things.
It's just where do I get the courage from, you know? The courage to finally say enough is enough. I feel guilty when I think about making him leave and hurting him. I know he apparently doesn't care about hurting my feelings or my kids' feelings....so why do I care so much about his?
The twins do keep you busy, but they sure are fun to watch. They like to give each other kisses in the morning when they first see each other. Too sweet!
My family knows what's going on. They are all hoping that I get rid of him. My mom is really upset because she knows he's just using me. She has lots of experience with this because my dad was an alcoholic. At least he quit drinking and has been sober for quite some time now.
He says that his family will stand up for him. I don't think they will, as his one sister always asks about his drinking and how things are when I see her, but you never know.
I've already talked to the DV center here and actually spoken with an attorney who said that it might take months to go to a hearing or whatever she had called it to determine what would happen with the house, so that makes me feel better about things.
It's just where do I get the courage from, you know? The courage to finally say enough is enough. I feel guilty when I think about making him leave and hurting him. I know he apparently doesn't care about hurting my feelings or my kids' feelings....so why do I care so much about his?
The twins do keep you busy, but they sure are fun to watch. They like to give each other kisses in the morning when they first see each other. Too sweet!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I feel guilty when I think about making him leave and hurting him. I know he apparently doesn't care about hurting my feelings or my kids' feelings....so why do I care so much about his?
Maybe cuz you grew up with an A father? Growing up with an A father and a codependent mom taught me to put everyone else's feelings before mine!! I had to sort out all the bad crap I learned in my alcoholic childhood home before I could find a healthy way of thinking, of deciding things in my best interest, of how to choose a good partner and be able to evaluate a good relationship!
It's a work in progress! AlAnon and therapy helped me on that road. I was very poor at points - had to find sliding scale therapy etc. But AlAnon is free!! And books are free from the library....
Courage comes from the french word for "heart." It sounds like you have a lot of heart - so trust that the courage is right there within you. Having courage doesn't mean a lack of fear - it just means going forward in spite of fear and uncertainty...take baby steps but carry a big flashlight (recovery tools!!).
Peace-
B
Maybe cuz you grew up with an A father? Growing up with an A father and a codependent mom taught me to put everyone else's feelings before mine!! I had to sort out all the bad crap I learned in my alcoholic childhood home before I could find a healthy way of thinking, of deciding things in my best interest, of how to choose a good partner and be able to evaluate a good relationship!
It's a work in progress! AlAnon and therapy helped me on that road. I was very poor at points - had to find sliding scale therapy etc. But AlAnon is free!! And books are free from the library....
Courage comes from the french word for "heart." It sounds like you have a lot of heart - so trust that the courage is right there within you. Having courage doesn't mean a lack of fear - it just means going forward in spite of fear and uncertainty...take baby steps but carry a big flashlight (recovery tools!!).
Peace-
B
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation. When I found myself in a similar situation I went to see an attorney. I had information and facts to work with then.
I also saw a counselor. It was very short term but very helpful for me.
I posted quite a bit here and found it very helpful.
I'm a big fan of Bernadett's lists!! I had lists and focused on doing the next right thing. That helped me not get stuck by the fear of his threats etc. I know what the right thing is in this moment and I need to do that, not try and figure out what the right thing 10 steps down the line will be and then make todays decision based on that ya know? Doing the next right thing also helped me with the guilt (although I did some back sliding etc. from that too). I posted here a lot about those feelings and the feedback helped clarify things. Co Dependent No More is a book that also helped.
My courage came from hitting my own personal bottom. I felt I had to do something or completely disappear into this fog of misery and exhaustion. I saw things getting worse and I saw my kids walking away from a joyless resentful controlling mother and following behind a slurring staggering father and I was stricken with a fear even bigger then that of taking them away from him. There was no viiolence in our home but it was the ugly life of a family consumed by alcoholism. Finally seeing that gave me the courage.
PS: I have twins too
They are 5yo now.
I also saw a counselor. It was very short term but very helpful for me.
I posted quite a bit here and found it very helpful.
I'm a big fan of Bernadett's lists!! I had lists and focused on doing the next right thing. That helped me not get stuck by the fear of his threats etc. I know what the right thing is in this moment and I need to do that, not try and figure out what the right thing 10 steps down the line will be and then make todays decision based on that ya know? Doing the next right thing also helped me with the guilt (although I did some back sliding etc. from that too). I posted here a lot about those feelings and the feedback helped clarify things. Co Dependent No More is a book that also helped.
My courage came from hitting my own personal bottom. I felt I had to do something or completely disappear into this fog of misery and exhaustion. I saw things getting worse and I saw my kids walking away from a joyless resentful controlling mother and following behind a slurring staggering father and I was stricken with a fear even bigger then that of taking them away from him. There was no viiolence in our home but it was the ugly life of a family consumed by alcoholism. Finally seeing that gave me the courage.
PS: I have twins too
They are 5yo now.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Facing reality HURTS. Letting go of a dream is gut wrenching. Change is hard.
But when I stepped out of my denial about my situation - I was able to see my life for what it was. I was able to see how much I didn't want *that* for me. So, for me - knowing what I didn't want helped me to draw out what I *did* want. Once I saw what I wanted, I then starting making a rough plan to move towards that healthier life. I say "rough" plan because life does not (and will not!) go exactly according to my plan.
For me, I knew I was scared to be financially independent. The first step was deciding how I would support myself - and then doing some footwork to make that job a reality. The next step (which I'm not working on!) is getting myself my own place to live.
While all of this is going on - I'm working on MY program of recovery. Going to al-anon and seeing a counselor to heal my mind, heart and soul. The divorce process is also moving along.
The whole thing takes time and lots of patience. There have been so many moments that I said to my sponsor, "I just want out. NOW. Make the pain go away. NOW. I can't take anymore." I really just wanted to run away and be done... but life doesn't work that way. There is no shortcut - and sometimes sitting in my discomfort has been the best thing for me. I've learned that it's not going to kill me to be uncomfortable and *sometimes* a better solution presents itself while I'm sitting around waiting
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
But when I stepped out of my denial about my situation - I was able to see my life for what it was. I was able to see how much I didn't want *that* for me. So, for me - knowing what I didn't want helped me to draw out what I *did* want. Once I saw what I wanted, I then starting making a rough plan to move towards that healthier life. I say "rough" plan because life does not (and will not!) go exactly according to my plan.
For me, I knew I was scared to be financially independent. The first step was deciding how I would support myself - and then doing some footwork to make that job a reality. The next step (which I'm not working on!) is getting myself my own place to live.
While all of this is going on - I'm working on MY program of recovery. Going to al-anon and seeing a counselor to heal my mind, heart and soul. The divorce process is also moving along.
The whole thing takes time and lots of patience. There have been so many moments that I said to my sponsor, "I just want out. NOW. Make the pain go away. NOW. I can't take anymore." I really just wanted to run away and be done... but life doesn't work that way. There is no shortcut - and sometimes sitting in my discomfort has been the best thing for me. I've learned that it's not going to kill me to be uncomfortable and *sometimes* a better solution presents itself while I'm sitting around waiting
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
It did help when I spoke with the attorney. She told me a lot of things that helped, plus, he had a DUI years ago, but this state will not let someone drive the kids anywhere with a DUI on their record. I know this because I have issues with my former MIL and g-parent's rights. She had a DUI and when it was found out the court told her no way was she driving my kids anywhere. SO.....
I just need to get over my feelings. I need to somehow get over the guilt, the fear. I know I have to do this because I can see myself getting sucked down with him. I don't want that. I want better for my kids.
I live in a beautiful place. It's in the country, it's where my kids have wanted to live, we see all kinds of neat birds and animals, my kids get to catch frogs and walk to the lake. But it feels tainted, like here we are in a lovely place but can't enjoy it fully because of him and his problem**.
I'm beginning to wonder if something happened to him last night. I called him twice this morning about 10 and 1030 and he hasn't called me back yet. I was pretty sure he would've called me esp. since he knew about my interview today. Strange. Well, if he got arrested, he can just stay where he is, cause I am not helping him from that. Maybe he did. That would kind of be nice.
**just wanted to add, I guess it's not just HIS problem, it my problem, too.
I just need to get over my feelings. I need to somehow get over the guilt, the fear. I know I have to do this because I can see myself getting sucked down with him. I don't want that. I want better for my kids.
I live in a beautiful place. It's in the country, it's where my kids have wanted to live, we see all kinds of neat birds and animals, my kids get to catch frogs and walk to the lake. But it feels tainted, like here we are in a lovely place but can't enjoy it fully because of him and his problem**.
I'm beginning to wonder if something happened to him last night. I called him twice this morning about 10 and 1030 and he hasn't called me back yet. I was pretty sure he would've called me esp. since he knew about my interview today. Strange. Well, if he got arrested, he can just stay where he is, cause I am not helping him from that. Maybe he did. That would kind of be nice.
**just wanted to add, I guess it's not just HIS problem, it my problem, too.
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
hey sweetie....get those beautiful babies a puppy. enjoy the life that you and your children share. there is no time or place for a selfish, childish, drunken man. dont wait til that controlling "poke in the face" becomes a far deeper wound. you will end up with the house and your babies...trust me. good luck and good love...mags
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by witharealwinner 
Nevermind that I pay all the bills and the only thing he ever gives me money for is his cell phone bill (and even getting that's a fight).
How do I get the backbone to do what I need to do?
How do I get the backbone to do what I need to do?
"If someone on my plan turns out to be a crack head and fails to pay their portion, can I turn off their phone?"
I was told I could turn off their service, but would have to pay $9.95 per month till the contract expires.
I let the other payers on my account know that I expected payment in my account 5 days prior to the due date. If I did not have payment on the due date, their phone would be without service. They would also be required to pay any fees associated with re-connection.
I haven't had a single problem with paying my phone bill on time.
I recommend removing the conflict and stress of requesting money for his phone by stating a boundary:
"I expect payment for the phone bill to be in my account 5 days prior to the due date. The due date is ______ of each month. If I do not have payment in the account on the due date, the non-payers phone will be shut off."
Keep reading and posting.
We are here to support you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by witharealwinner
I live in a beautiful place. It's in the country, it's where my kids have wanted to live, we see all kinds of neat birds and animals, my kids get to catch frogs and walk to the lake. But it feels tainted, like here we are in a lovely place but can't enjoy it fully because of him and his problem**.
Hi witharealwinner I like your sarcasm, I used to live in a nice house with XABF and I was miserable, 3 years later (the guy keeps drinking) I am not in a super beautiful place but I got inner peace, silence, freedom and those are priceless.
Stress in females has short term and longer term consequences, who you describe seems like a selfish teenager not a man (honestly)
Time for you to list your priorities, once you got them clear it gets easier.... all the best , reading your words I thought "she already has backbone, all she needs is trust.. trust in herself and in the future"
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