Need experience
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Somewhere, CO
Posts: 3
Need experience
I have a situation going on and I really need someone's experience/strength/hope.
Ive been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 18 mos. In and out of rehab, he seems to always end up back where he started. He decided to do a full 6 month rehab and actually completed it.
Now, we've been married for 6 mos. About 1.5 mos. into it my spouse seemed to have lost all interest in our relationship. I've given it almost 5 months... asking for us to go into counseling, asking what may be going on (as far as our estrangement, never accusations), explained the way I've felt etc...
After an aweful Thanksgiving holiday (where there was drinking involved), I decided to ask again, what may be the problem. I was told that it just takes a lot of concentration to stay sober, and he hasn't really had the "time" to put into our marriage/relationship.
We decided to split temporarily to give him the time he needs to focus on his sobriety, alone. No other issues to deal with. We'd do counseling a couple times a month to work on the marriage/relationship.
Every night since he's been gone, he's been drinking. I'm blessed it's not while in my presence, but still a little disappointed.
Our entire relationship has been revolving around alcoholism. Drink, do rehab, get out, drink, do rehab again, loose contact with our relationship, get out, drink, move out and drink.
I'm at the end of my rope...close to divorce. I need some e/s/h.
Please, respond...I realize I have some responsability in this too. I've been doing my al-anon, it's not helping much right now.
Thank you in advance.
Ive been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 18 mos. In and out of rehab, he seems to always end up back where he started. He decided to do a full 6 month rehab and actually completed it.
Now, we've been married for 6 mos. About 1.5 mos. into it my spouse seemed to have lost all interest in our relationship. I've given it almost 5 months... asking for us to go into counseling, asking what may be going on (as far as our estrangement, never accusations), explained the way I've felt etc...
After an aweful Thanksgiving holiday (where there was drinking involved), I decided to ask again, what may be the problem. I was told that it just takes a lot of concentration to stay sober, and he hasn't really had the "time" to put into our marriage/relationship.
We decided to split temporarily to give him the time he needs to focus on his sobriety, alone. No other issues to deal with. We'd do counseling a couple times a month to work on the marriage/relationship.
Every night since he's been gone, he's been drinking. I'm blessed it's not while in my presence, but still a little disappointed.
Our entire relationship has been revolving around alcoholism. Drink, do rehab, get out, drink, do rehab again, loose contact with our relationship, get out, drink, move out and drink.
I'm at the end of my rope...close to divorce. I need some e/s/h.
Please, respond...I realize I have some responsability in this too. I've been doing my al-anon, it's not helping much right now.
Thank you in advance.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
Trying....
Welcome to SR.
The only responsibility you have is to yourself....not his recovery. I am sure, if you have been going to al-anon, you have hear them say that only you know when enough is enough. I didn't hear you mention any children as of yet....so getting out now is only a matter of leagalities and your own emotional attachment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our entire relationship has been revolving around alcoholism. Drink, do rehab, get out, drink, do rehab again, loose contact with our relationship, get out, drink, move out and drink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are in a relationship with an active alcoholic that's exactly how it is.......unless he changes it!
If your alcoholic is in recovery it is still a disease that will always be there, but as long as he/she continues to work a good active program a relationship could be great! It all depends on what you are able to live with...and your own program (al-anon).
This is not an easy road traveled. Better to really get it settle now than 5 or 7 or 10 yrs. down the road of the same thing.
At any rate welcome here and read some of the other stories here. They may help in giving you support in how you are feeling now and the decisions that you obviously feel you need to make.
Take care of yourself,
Pony
Welcome to SR.
The only responsibility you have is to yourself....not his recovery. I am sure, if you have been going to al-anon, you have hear them say that only you know when enough is enough. I didn't hear you mention any children as of yet....so getting out now is only a matter of leagalities and your own emotional attachment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our entire relationship has been revolving around alcoholism. Drink, do rehab, get out, drink, do rehab again, loose contact with our relationship, get out, drink, move out and drink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are in a relationship with an active alcoholic that's exactly how it is.......unless he changes it!
If your alcoholic is in recovery it is still a disease that will always be there, but as long as he/she continues to work a good active program a relationship could be great! It all depends on what you are able to live with...and your own program (al-anon).
This is not an easy road traveled. Better to really get it settle now than 5 or 7 or 10 yrs. down the road of the same thing.
At any rate welcome here and read some of the other stories here. They may help in giving you support in how you are feeling now and the decisions that you obviously feel you need to make.
Take care of yourself,
Pony
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
((((((trying)))))
Welcome to Sober Recovery...Take a good look around, you are not alone...Read the power posts at the top of this forum...
You say you are going to Al-Anon...How long have you been going? You started this journey and relationship 18 months ago If you havent been going to Al-Anon that long, if you don't have a sponsor, and aren't working the steps....In my opinion you need to keep going and keep trying the program....IN the Meantime please keep coming back here at S.R. where you will find the same love, kindness, and laughter you can find at Al-Anon...
Hope to hear from you soon...
Love and prayers,
Daffy
Welcome to Sober Recovery...Take a good look around, you are not alone...Read the power posts at the top of this forum...
You say you are going to Al-Anon...How long have you been going? You started this journey and relationship 18 months ago If you havent been going to Al-Anon that long, if you don't have a sponsor, and aren't working the steps....In my opinion you need to keep going and keep trying the program....IN the Meantime please keep coming back here at S.R. where you will find the same love, kindness, and laughter you can find at Al-Anon...
Hope to hear from you soon...
Love and prayers,
Daffy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Dear Trying,
The behavior of your A, as yourve described, is very typical of a newly recovering person. They do need much time to focus as their life is now being viewed thru a whole new set of lenses.
Currently, he is not in recovery if he is drinking daily. So basically he is using, which means his thoughts/behaviors are bound to be even more irrational and confusing. He is not working on himself if he is actively drnking, not going to meetings, doesnt have a sponsor. As stated above, this is what youve got now. What you see is what you get. Its been the same old rollercoaster for the 18 months together. You cannot expect it to be any different, until it is different. Now its the same.
If you are able to accept him as he is right at this very moment in time, your expecations will lessen and you will find peace and serenity. In that mode, you may come to find your own answer as to what you should do.
Good luck, and keep comin' back!!!
The behavior of your A, as yourve described, is very typical of a newly recovering person. They do need much time to focus as their life is now being viewed thru a whole new set of lenses.
Currently, he is not in recovery if he is drinking daily. So basically he is using, which means his thoughts/behaviors are bound to be even more irrational and confusing. He is not working on himself if he is actively drnking, not going to meetings, doesnt have a sponsor. As stated above, this is what youve got now. What you see is what you get. Its been the same old rollercoaster for the 18 months together. You cannot expect it to be any different, until it is different. Now its the same.
If you are able to accept him as he is right at this very moment in time, your expecations will lessen and you will find peace and serenity. In that mode, you may come to find your own answer as to what you should do.
Good luck, and keep comin' back!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Somewhere, CO
Posts: 3
Thanks for your help. I really appreciate it. I'm just very confused. My sponser told me to set bounderies--kick him out if he drinks. I'm beginning to find it more and more difficult to understand our al-anon meetings....everyone seems to be so incredibly judgemental. My understanding is that's not the way it's all meant to be. We live in a rural area and it's not feasable to drive 50 miles to and from different meetings, that's why I thought I'd try this.
I spoke to my A last night and he actually wasn't drinking. We had talked yesterday about the fact that the reason why I asked him to leave was to work on his sobriety so that we could work on our lives together--as he'd explained it was too hard to do both. Of everything I know about alcoholism and the other side...codependency, I listen a lot and have learned a lot. I realize it is a choice he makes to drink or not. I have no control over it or really anything else except my own attitude. I do have two children in their teens. He's been back and forth, they've been to meetings, they understand what's going on. One of them thinks he's not trying very hard, the other thinks he's not had enough time...so I'm taking their thoughts into consideration as well.
I love my husband very much. The beginning of our trouble started after 3 1/2 months in rehab, something drastic changed in our relationship (it happened in one day)...he no longer had enough time to talk to me on the phone (this was very long distance), he treated me as if it weren't important to communicate, he told me sometimes he didn't even want to talk to me. When we saw each other, there was something BIG missing. That gleam in his eye when we saw each other was gone. After about a month I finally told him, I felt as if I were the only one left in our relationship. He was very insistant that wasn't true. When he came home 2 1/2 months later, things stayed the same...I've brought it up to him in loving ways, I've explained my feelings. Each time I explain it (the same thing) he says, "I didn't realize you felt that way". Things would be better for a day or two then back to the brother/sister relationship that had developed. We lost our friendship somewhere too, not only our love.
It's not that he's doing his program so much that he doesn't have time. He just lived here as if he were a roommate or something, I asked him why it wasn't possible for him to do anything longer than a day or two and his explanation was, as I've said, it was too hard to stay sober and deal with our problems in our relationship. I understand that, however, he's been drinking (even before I asked him to leave), so he really hasn't been staying sober...as I said before, I asked him to leave so he could have 100% of his time to practice his sobriety in the "real world" and then we could figure our relationship out......
Am I on the right track at all...as I've said, my al-anon has become more of a recipe and gossip trading meeting and my sponser is now telling me what to do and exactly how to do it, aren't we supposed to deal with our resentments and get on with life?
Thanks again....trying
I spoke to my A last night and he actually wasn't drinking. We had talked yesterday about the fact that the reason why I asked him to leave was to work on his sobriety so that we could work on our lives together--as he'd explained it was too hard to do both. Of everything I know about alcoholism and the other side...codependency, I listen a lot and have learned a lot. I realize it is a choice he makes to drink or not. I have no control over it or really anything else except my own attitude. I do have two children in their teens. He's been back and forth, they've been to meetings, they understand what's going on. One of them thinks he's not trying very hard, the other thinks he's not had enough time...so I'm taking their thoughts into consideration as well.
I love my husband very much. The beginning of our trouble started after 3 1/2 months in rehab, something drastic changed in our relationship (it happened in one day)...he no longer had enough time to talk to me on the phone (this was very long distance), he treated me as if it weren't important to communicate, he told me sometimes he didn't even want to talk to me. When we saw each other, there was something BIG missing. That gleam in his eye when we saw each other was gone. After about a month I finally told him, I felt as if I were the only one left in our relationship. He was very insistant that wasn't true. When he came home 2 1/2 months later, things stayed the same...I've brought it up to him in loving ways, I've explained my feelings. Each time I explain it (the same thing) he says, "I didn't realize you felt that way". Things would be better for a day or two then back to the brother/sister relationship that had developed. We lost our friendship somewhere too, not only our love.
It's not that he's doing his program so much that he doesn't have time. He just lived here as if he were a roommate or something, I asked him why it wasn't possible for him to do anything longer than a day or two and his explanation was, as I've said, it was too hard to stay sober and deal with our problems in our relationship. I understand that, however, he's been drinking (even before I asked him to leave), so he really hasn't been staying sober...as I said before, I asked him to leave so he could have 100% of his time to practice his sobriety in the "real world" and then we could figure our relationship out......
Am I on the right track at all...as I've said, my al-anon has become more of a recipe and gossip trading meeting and my sponser is now telling me what to do and exactly how to do it, aren't we supposed to deal with our resentments and get on with life?
Thanks again....trying
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Trying
You meetings don't sound like most I have been too, and I guess it's the people who make the meetings what they are.
Maybe try a different meeting. Also, most sponsors don't tell you what to do, they make suggestions on how to work your program. Like here, unless there is abuse involved, we rarely tell people whether to stay or go.
All that said, your problem remains the same. He continues to drink and is contributing nothing to the relationship. Are you willing to accept a relationship where you are the one doing all the work?
Only you can decide which way you want this to go. My feeling is that you are looking at the "what if's" and "if only's" and it is hard to give up a dream and the man you once loved.
Try to stay in the present, without dwelling on the past or trying to guess the future. Just do this one day at a time, but try to stay realistic. His actions will continue to tell you whether he is prepared to change. His words mean nothing right now, as long as he is drinking.
One day at a time, do what is right for you and your children. And let God handle the rest.
Hugs
Ann
You meetings don't sound like most I have been too, and I guess it's the people who make the meetings what they are.
Maybe try a different meeting. Also, most sponsors don't tell you what to do, they make suggestions on how to work your program. Like here, unless there is abuse involved, we rarely tell people whether to stay or go.
All that said, your problem remains the same. He continues to drink and is contributing nothing to the relationship. Are you willing to accept a relationship where you are the one doing all the work?
Only you can decide which way you want this to go. My feeling is that you are looking at the "what if's" and "if only's" and it is hard to give up a dream and the man you once loved.
Try to stay in the present, without dwelling on the past or trying to guess the future. Just do this one day at a time, but try to stay realistic. His actions will continue to tell you whether he is prepared to change. His words mean nothing right now, as long as he is drinking.
One day at a time, do what is right for you and your children. And let God handle the rest.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: irving, texas
Posts: 11
wow Ann,
you have such a way with words..
trying...
i have seen this in alot of recovering alcoholics. they set their spouses, family aside to concentrate on their program. but in reality he isn't working the program. he tells you he can't do both. well doesn't sound like he is doing either one. find another meeting if you can.. if its 1 meeting a week thats 50 miles away. maybe go on the weekend.. you aren't in the right meeting. my meeting is my addiction.. i can't stay away from them.
live for yourself today..... don't worry about something you can't change.. if he doesn't want you there.. its hard to say.. but don't be there.. live your life for you and your kids.. let him go work HIS program and you work your own.. you have to start with you and only you..
jewels
you have such a way with words..
trying...
i have seen this in alot of recovering alcoholics. they set their spouses, family aside to concentrate on their program. but in reality he isn't working the program. he tells you he can't do both. well doesn't sound like he is doing either one. find another meeting if you can.. if its 1 meeting a week thats 50 miles away. maybe go on the weekend.. you aren't in the right meeting. my meeting is my addiction.. i can't stay away from them.
live for yourself today..... don't worry about something you can't change.. if he doesn't want you there.. its hard to say.. but don't be there.. live your life for you and your kids.. let him go work HIS program and you work your own.. you have to start with you and only you..
jewels
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Somewhere, CO
Posts: 3
Thanks Jewels and everyone else, that was very helpful. Our counselor called last night, and wants us to come in before making any permanent decisions. I'm going to try it, if nothing else I guess I won't question myself in whatever decision I make.
I feel better when I know he's not out there destroying himself...I do care about him, a lot. I realize his destruction should not be my problem, however, it does effect us in knowing someone you love is ruining his/her body and mostly his/her mind. I guess my problem is that I don't know how to detach from those issues. Anyone have any ideas? Sometimes all it takes is a really good analogy.
Thanks,
(still)Trying
I feel better when I know he's not out there destroying himself...I do care about him, a lot. I realize his destruction should not be my problem, however, it does effect us in knowing someone you love is ruining his/her body and mostly his/her mind. I guess my problem is that I don't know how to detach from those issues. Anyone have any ideas? Sometimes all it takes is a really good analogy.
Thanks,
(still)Trying
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 8
Hi Trying,
I do feel your isolation living in a small community with very few Al-Anon meetings from which to choose. The suggestion was made by Jewel that you invest the 50 miles to travel to a distant meeting. If nothing else, it would give you a meeting comparison and I suspect you might find what you need, get hooked and feel good about the travel time as meditation time and time well spent on yourself.
The letting go has always been a hard one for me. I, too, am a parent and realized at some point that I was treating my A as another child I got to nurture, mold and order around. It is considered good parenting to direct a child's decisions, to some degree, so s/he can feel successful, develop skills and get on with the business of growing up. I have learned that most adults, even alcoholic, child-acting adults, don't see parenting by a partner as a loving gesture. (Imagine that I say!)
So if you are like me, that might be an area to explore. Are you loving your A as a partner or as a child? Your therapist might be able to help you there as well. I think couples counseling is a truly AWESOME tool for couples in recovery. That objective pair of eyes has saved my relationship more times than I can count.
You have my thoughts and prayers as you go through this. No one said recovery was easy but it can sure be rewarding. Hugs, TJ
I do feel your isolation living in a small community with very few Al-Anon meetings from which to choose. The suggestion was made by Jewel that you invest the 50 miles to travel to a distant meeting. If nothing else, it would give you a meeting comparison and I suspect you might find what you need, get hooked and feel good about the travel time as meditation time and time well spent on yourself.
The letting go has always been a hard one for me. I, too, am a parent and realized at some point that I was treating my A as another child I got to nurture, mold and order around. It is considered good parenting to direct a child's decisions, to some degree, so s/he can feel successful, develop skills and get on with the business of growing up. I have learned that most adults, even alcoholic, child-acting adults, don't see parenting by a partner as a loving gesture. (Imagine that I say!)
So if you are like me, that might be an area to explore. Are you loving your A as a partner or as a child? Your therapist might be able to help you there as well. I think couples counseling is a truly AWESOME tool for couples in recovery. That objective pair of eyes has saved my relationship more times than I can count.
You have my thoughts and prayers as you go through this. No one said recovery was easy but it can sure be rewarding. Hugs, TJ
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Trying,
Welcome to Sober Recovery....
You are not alone unless you choose to be...We here at SR understand as few others can. We, too, have lived with alcoholism.
We don't and can't tell you what to do...Only you can decide that...You are powerless over anyone for any reason...If He is going to drink.... he is going to drink.....
I am so blessed to be in a group of Al-Anon's who take their recovery seriously... we study the literature, especilally Paths to Recovery....My sponsor does not tell me what to do but helps me work the Steps, keeps me in reality, and SUGGESTS things I may want to change...even if I choose not to do the things she suggests, she always tells me she loves me anyway....
In our group, part of the opening says gossip can have NO part in our recovery....since we live in a very small town it is imperative that we follow that suggestion....If you read the service manual you will find that is one of the uninforceable rules...For alot of us in recovery who are members of Al-Anon, gossip could be a very serious problem with very serious results....Trust is such a hard thing to come by and if I didn't trust my home group I too would travel to a group that is serous about recovery without judging anyone for any reason...
Do consider doing whatever you can to have a healthy support group...You are welcome to come here and share anytime...We will love you in that special way that an Al-Anon group should be about....
Love and prayers from someone who cares,
DAff
Welcome to Sober Recovery....
You are not alone unless you choose to be...We here at SR understand as few others can. We, too, have lived with alcoholism.
We don't and can't tell you what to do...Only you can decide that...You are powerless over anyone for any reason...If He is going to drink.... he is going to drink.....
I am so blessed to be in a group of Al-Anon's who take their recovery seriously... we study the literature, especilally Paths to Recovery....My sponsor does not tell me what to do but helps me work the Steps, keeps me in reality, and SUGGESTS things I may want to change...even if I choose not to do the things she suggests, she always tells me she loves me anyway....
In our group, part of the opening says gossip can have NO part in our recovery....since we live in a very small town it is imperative that we follow that suggestion....If you read the service manual you will find that is one of the uninforceable rules...For alot of us in recovery who are members of Al-Anon, gossip could be a very serious problem with very serious results....Trust is such a hard thing to come by and if I didn't trust my home group I too would travel to a group that is serous about recovery without judging anyone for any reason...
Do consider doing whatever you can to have a healthy support group...You are welcome to come here and share anytime...We will love you in that special way that an Al-Anon group should be about....
Love and prayers from someone who cares,
DAff
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