butterfly2b

My H started drinking on a daily basis 3 years ago. Its gotten bad lately. He goes to his buddys house and doesnt come home til 6am sometimes. He was missing a lot of Mondays at work but they said, no more. He would need a dr. note. So, this past year, it has been really awful.Wondering if he'll stay home tonight. Wondering WHEN he will start drinking. He starts at around 10pm most nights and it goes til about 2am. He only gets about 4 hours sleep most days. Then sleeps alllll weekend long. I fear what else will happen if he keeps it up like this. I dont want to be cheated on. I dont want him to lose his job. I dont want him to go to jail, or get into a wreck.He lies to me all the time, like Im stupid and wont find out where hes been or how much he drank or who he was with.So I kicked him out 5 weeks ago and thought I might just die with him gone. Weve been inseparable for 17 years and I was literally sick. It got easier everyday but I let him back after 5 days. He hasnt been drinking everyday but I know he did once already. He doesnt think its a problem. This past month was great. We had fun, he helped the kids with homework, helped around the house, had a great anniversary date night. And then BAM! Saturday out of nowhere tells me, this just isnt him. Hes uncomfortable in our house. Everyone sees him as the bad guy. He says hes going to save up and move out to his own apartment. I was in shock. To flip it around on me like this....I think it is just his alcoholic brain at work. The brain that says, I can do what I want, and this aint it!! The brain that says, I dont get any appreciation for anything I do around here!! The brain that says, Im not crazy, you are and its your fault my life is so screwed up!! I start to believe it sometimes but have to remind myself what he has put me through. And I guess I just need to let it happen and let him learn from HIS mistakes and face consequences of denial. I can accept the things I cannot change, but I am having a tough time with it. So many years of being so in love with him. To be thrown out so easy? It just doesnt make sense. SIGH...

skippernlilg

The active alcoholic will always want to protect his alcoholism first and foremost. "Throwing you out" just removes an obstacle for him to focus on his love, his alcohol. The benefit to you is that you will also not have an obstacle for your own recovery.

You can love from afar.

I know it hurts when you're not the 'one making the decision' but if you let this go and leave it to your HP, you'll see a better design for your future, if you just let it happen.

CagedBird

Your H sounds like mine. I don't have any advice, I'm in no place to tell another person what they should do, but you are not alone. There are others of us out there.

butterfly2b

Thank you for responding. Its really good to know Im not alone. Not good in that kind of way, just good to know Im not crazy. I do believe that he sees me as an obstacle, but I just hope everyday that he goes without drinking his vision will get a tiny bit clearer. Maybe, when he loses everything, he will see how he let something as stupid as BEER ruin everything he built for us these last 17 years....Maybe....And if he doesnt, I will have to just continue to live and make a great life for myself and our kids.

SoaringSpirits

This!

I asked my AH to leave last May. I just couldn't take it any longer. It was instant peace when he was gone. He was really trying to be nicer to me and our kids. I let him come back for weekends in July, and things were great at first, but slowly returned to the same old game. Nothing had changed. It was all wishful thinking on my part. Asked AH to leave yet again August 1st, and he's out full time now.

I take my marriage vows seriously, too. We have 20 years together, and much of it has been good. I have thought a great deal about those vows, especially the "in sickness and in health" part. BUT....those vows also included words like "to love, honor, and cherish" (he was NOT doing any of that when he treated me like a leper or wouldn't speak to me for days at a time). I did not feel in any way honored or cherished. And also, there is that pesky "forsaking all others" part. As I see it, he has forsaken me, and his marriage and family, for alcohol. Beer, wine and vodka have become his first love now. I did not take a vow for a suicide pact.

Things are actually better with my AH out of the house. We spend time together and he's sober during these times, and nicer. He is far more involved in our kids' lives than he has ever been in all the years we've had kids. There are many positive changes that have taken place with him not living here.

I love my AH from a distance. I will always love him. But I will no longer allow myself to be dragged down with him and his addiction.