Cheating and Alcoholism go together like Bread and Butter?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by autumn99 
Friends,
If I let him go, he will drink. That is clear to me now. Understanding this, can I live with myself if I let him go? Everything feels so uncertain.
If I let him go, he will drink. That is clear to me now. Understanding this, can I live with myself if I let him go? Everything feels so uncertain.
Autumn, I felt that too for my XAH. I felt I couldn't leave him as he would just drink himself to death. I wasted 36 years trying to help him stop drinking.
We are now separated and he is indeed drinking himself to death. But he was doing that anyway for the past 36 years. Nothing I ever did or said stopped him drinking.
I can't count the number of times we had promises that this time he would stop for good. He had de-toxes, help from doctors, hospitals, counsellors, AA, you name it, but still he always drank sneakily and went into a rage if anyone suggested there was a smell of alcohol on his breath.
Life became a living nightmare.
Please don't think that staying with him is going to cure him. You can't cure him and your can't control his drinking.
Don't be like me and take 36 years to learn this lesson.
Much love and hugs.
xxxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
"If I let him go, he will drink. That is clear to me now. Understanding this, can I live with myself if I let him go? Everything feels so uncertain."
Hi All,
I wrote the line above almost 6 months ago. I realize today, after much love and support and good counseling, that I was not helping my partner by thinking--and making--decisions with this presumption. Of that, I'm cured. The truth about loving an actively drinking alcoholic is that one has to act counterintuitively to help him or her. Tough love. Firm but warm.
But, thanks to those of you who are concerned for me for having believed that once.
Hi All,
I wrote the line above almost 6 months ago. I realize today, after much love and support and good counseling, that I was not helping my partner by thinking--and making--decisions with this presumption. Of that, I'm cured. The truth about loving an actively drinking alcoholic is that one has to act counterintuitively to help him or her. Tough love. Firm but warm.
But, thanks to those of you who are concerned for me for having believed that once.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Originally Posted by autumn99
gerryp,
Great points that I have pondered myself all this time. I have been married before, to a wonderful person, who I wasn't in love with.
The simple truth is I love my sober partner a great deal. For both explainable and unexplainable reasons, like anyone.
Great points that I have pondered myself all this time. I have been married before, to a wonderful person, who I wasn't in love with.
The simple truth is I love my sober partner a great deal. For both explainable and unexplainable reasons, like anyone.
I truly don't mean to sound presumptuous, but I've been there done that, so want to ask if you've explored this with a qualified professional.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: ontario canada
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by autumn99
Dear friends,
As far as I can recall, this is my first time posting on a public online forum. I would love to hear the opinions and experiences of those out there who may be or who have had to deal with what I am about to share.
My partner of one year, and the love of my life, has been sober from alcohol use for just over 6 weeks. It has been one hell of a year! I implemented tough love, as it were, but in the end, his decision to stop drinking had very little to do with anything I said or did. For him, it came several days after the wee hours of one morning, when he woke up in an alley, in his suit and tie, after he decided the night before to have 'just one drink' after work. (To make matters worse, I was out of state, at the bedside of my grandmother, who died later that morning.) I am flooded daily with the relief that has come with his sobriety, but still find myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I need and want to heal. I want to grieve for the loss of my grandmother, who was a significant person in my life. I want to grieve for the year that I lost. I believe that he will remain sober with help. When I look at him, I see a person who had made up his mind and heart about abstaining from alcohol.
Within the last week, his infidelities from the year have come to light. Three to be precise. Three different women, two of whom he had sexual affairs with in the past but did not love (I believe they loved him), all after near-blackout nights of drinking. The first I discovered myself, the other two he admitted reluctantly after I learned of the first. We have sobbed and sobbed about these, we have stayed up half-nights talking and crying. He seems deeply ashamed; I am very, very bitter. He says he loves me more than anything and he wants to work this out. I would like that too, but I am afraid the visions of him with other women will not leave my mind ever. I don't want to allow myself to believe that these happened on account of his alcohol use at those times. I want to or just do see the infidelity as a separate issue from the alcohol, while I do realize they each contributed to each other. For example, I am taking the infidelity very personally, but not the alcoholism.
I see clearly that he is not to the point in his recovery where he understands the importance of telling the truth, no matter how painful, which, I know from the 12 steps, is coming. I, on the other hand, am finding it very difficult to heal without knowing the truth. We are at different stages. My counselor mentioned I may have to accept/forgive him for all that may have happened when he was drinking before he is even ready to get to truth-telling, if I want to remain happily in this relationship with him. Does anyone know, in everyday, practical ways, how I can do this? For example, should we begin by separating for awhile? This seems unbearable, but I do feel I need a clear head. I also worry that he needs me a lot right now, as a major support as he's going through this process. I just feel so bitter. I'm worried that my feelings about what he did may taint the quality of his recovery.
As far as I can recall, this is my first time posting on a public online forum. I would love to hear the opinions and experiences of those out there who may be or who have had to deal with what I am about to share.
My partner of one year, and the love of my life, has been sober from alcohol use for just over 6 weeks. It has been one hell of a year! I implemented tough love, as it were, but in the end, his decision to stop drinking had very little to do with anything I said or did. For him, it came several days after the wee hours of one morning, when he woke up in an alley, in his suit and tie, after he decided the night before to have 'just one drink' after work. (To make matters worse, I was out of state, at the bedside of my grandmother, who died later that morning.) I am flooded daily with the relief that has come with his sobriety, but still find myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I need and want to heal. I want to grieve for the loss of my grandmother, who was a significant person in my life. I want to grieve for the year that I lost. I believe that he will remain sober with help. When I look at him, I see a person who had made up his mind and heart about abstaining from alcohol.
Within the last week, his infidelities from the year have come to light. Three to be precise. Three different women, two of whom he had sexual affairs with in the past but did not love (I believe they loved him), all after near-blackout nights of drinking. The first I discovered myself, the other two he admitted reluctantly after I learned of the first. We have sobbed and sobbed about these, we have stayed up half-nights talking and crying. He seems deeply ashamed; I am very, very bitter. He says he loves me more than anything and he wants to work this out. I would like that too, but I am afraid the visions of him with other women will not leave my mind ever. I don't want to allow myself to believe that these happened on account of his alcohol use at those times. I want to or just do see the infidelity as a separate issue from the alcohol, while I do realize they each contributed to each other. For example, I am taking the infidelity very personally, but not the alcoholism.
I see clearly that he is not to the point in his recovery where he understands the importance of telling the truth, no matter how painful, which, I know from the 12 steps, is coming. I, on the other hand, am finding it very difficult to heal without knowing the truth. We are at different stages. My counselor mentioned I may have to accept/forgive him for all that may have happened when he was drinking before he is even ready to get to truth-telling, if I want to remain happily in this relationship with him. Does anyone know, in everyday, practical ways, how I can do this? For example, should we begin by separating for awhile? This seems unbearable, but I do feel I need a clear head. I also worry that he needs me a lot right now, as a major support as he's going through this process. I just feel so bitter. I'm worried that my feelings about what he did may taint the quality of his recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Originally Posted by searchbug
Boy...which comes first, the chicken or the egg? And..why do so many persons here have backstories that include promiscuous or cheating? I agree not ALL cheaters drink, but many drinkers seem to cheat.
My personal experience...the xabf has issues about self esteem that he used alcohol to deal with. And (of course), how many alcoholics are honest that they ARE alcoholics? Denial is a major key. They "lie" to themselves concerning how bad they get when drunk, and anything that happens "can't" be because they were drunk.. so it gets deflected back to being our fault. SOMETIMES.. when they sober up and face reality, they can take responsibility. Sometimes not.
My situation involved several fights..each of which involved him being drunk, and hurtful/ abusive/ completely oblivious to anything except his own needs and thoughts. After the last one..he refused to call me for more than a week..justifying in his mind that we were "done", during which he jumped into a relationship with another woman. When he finally manned up enough to talk to me..he did not make it clear that we were done, AND after listening to me, acknowledged that I had not been at fault for the fight in any way. I was not aware that he was dumping me. During the next month or more, he continued to come (sporadically), claimed to still love me, and yes, it included intimacy that he initiated. During all this..I wasn't aware how much he was involved with "her", so I chose to believe him, or tried to.
At this point, who knows if he cheated on me with her..cheated on her with me..or just majorly made a mess of things. I KNOW he has lied to her, and was not honest with me.
Never mind the details... what relationship can survive without trust? You cannot trust an alcoholic to not drink, if they have not truly gone into sobriety. And (my opinion) their entire logic process gets screwed around, so it takes pulling teeth to have honesty (and rebuild trust).
It's a huge struggle for any of us to cope with the emotions, and define what we accept, what we forgive and what we walk away from. The consensus is the safest way is completely walk away for your own sanity.
But.. you are the only one who can truly define what you have to do. I really know how it hurts. Still hurting.
My personal experience...the xabf has issues about self esteem that he used alcohol to deal with. And (of course), how many alcoholics are honest that they ARE alcoholics? Denial is a major key. They "lie" to themselves concerning how bad they get when drunk, and anything that happens "can't" be because they were drunk.. so it gets deflected back to being our fault. SOMETIMES.. when they sober up and face reality, they can take responsibility. Sometimes not.
My situation involved several fights..each of which involved him being drunk, and hurtful/ abusive/ completely oblivious to anything except his own needs and thoughts. After the last one..he refused to call me for more than a week..justifying in his mind that we were "done", during which he jumped into a relationship with another woman. When he finally manned up enough to talk to me..he did not make it clear that we were done, AND after listening to me, acknowledged that I had not been at fault for the fight in any way. I was not aware that he was dumping me. During the next month or more, he continued to come (sporadically), claimed to still love me, and yes, it included intimacy that he initiated. During all this..I wasn't aware how much he was involved with "her", so I chose to believe him, or tried to.
At this point, who knows if he cheated on me with her..cheated on her with me..or just majorly made a mess of things. I KNOW he has lied to her, and was not honest with me.
Never mind the details... what relationship can survive without trust? You cannot trust an alcoholic to not drink, if they have not truly gone into sobriety. And (my opinion) their entire logic process gets screwed around, so it takes pulling teeth to have honesty (and rebuild trust).
It's a huge struggle for any of us to cope with the emotions, and define what we accept, what we forgive and what we walk away from. The consensus is the safest way is completely walk away for your own sanity.
But.. you are the only one who can truly define what you have to do. I really know how it hurts. Still hurting.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I just read through all of this post that began a few years ago. I have often wondered if we should have a forum in here where we can take the anonymous out of AA and list our A's names and city's and even post photos so all of us Codie's know who to stay away from. I for one don't want to get involved with another A as long as I live.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Me too!! Totally agree with you!! It seems the only way to get over an addict is to become an addict or refrain and feel the pain until your dying days - that's the worst part of working a program properly.. There is no easy way out .. Meanwhile the addict medicates and feels nothing .. We have to feel everything.. It's so hard facing the reality of addiction
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
In your original post you said he is your partner of one year. One year isn't a long time and not that big of an investment.......
Do you really need this in your life?????????
Alcoholism and cheating are too different issues,if they cheat drunk they will cheat sober.
The decision is yours but chances are he will cheat again, 3 in a year is a lot in my book......
He obviously has problems other than Alcoholism...
Do you really need this in your life?????????
Alcoholism and cheating are too different issues,if they cheat drunk they will cheat sober.
The decision is yours but chances are he will cheat again, 3 in a year is a lot in my book......
He obviously has problems other than Alcoholism...
Originally Posted by autumn99
If he is most likely going to relapse and cheat again (and again) tell me why, then, anyone should stay. That sounds a life of misery and one I certainly would never want. The point is, do I give him even that chance? Under what conditions? Or do I end it now, before that next relapse/sexual encounter? Alcoholics speak, please. Tell me what I should do if I do not want him to cheat again and I do not want him to relapse and I want this to work. What is my role? Continue the tough love? Send him out?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Earthworm
In your original post you said he is your partner of one year. One year isn't a long time and not that big of an investment.......
Do you really need this in your life?????????
Alcoholism and cheating are too different issues,if they cheat drunk they will cheat sober.
The decision is yours but chances are he will cheat again, 3 in a year is a lot in my book......
He obviously has problems other than Alcoholism...
Do you really need this in your life?????????
Alcoholism and cheating are too different issues,if they cheat drunk they will cheat sober.
The decision is yours but chances are he will cheat again, 3 in a year is a lot in my book......
He obviously has problems other than Alcoholism...
I guess the fact that this looks exactly like the new threads we see currently speaks to how much the same our situations all are, doesn't it...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
In my opinion, there are certain personalities of people with a certain lack of morals who cheat. Alcoholism does not make a person cheat. Many of those personalities of people self medicate with alcohol.
This is just my .02 of course. I have found the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" is pretty accurate.
I am sorry you are hurt. If this was your best friend telling you what you posted, what would you tell her? You don't have to answer, just food for your own thought.
Tight, very tight, hugs.
This is just my .02 of course. I have found the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" is pretty accurate.
I am sorry you are hurt. If this was your best friend telling you what you posted, what would you tell her? You don't have to answer, just food for your own thought.
Tight, very tight, hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I just looked and the person that started this thread has not posted anything in three years, from what I could see. I hope they are doing well and let's all hope that her partner was the exception to the rule so many of us have experienced!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My therapist had great words of wisdom: everyone has faults, it just depends on which ones you can live with, which you can't. Personally I can't live with dishonesty. When I find I don't trust or respect someone it isn't all that hard to leave (thanks to Alanon). Don't give him a free ride because he was drunk ... alcoholism doesn't cause people to do anything but get drunk. It helps to realize that everything we do is a choice ... he made a choice to pick up a drink each day and he also made a choice to be dishonest and cheat. What we learn in sobriety is that we're responsible for all our choices and actions, including those we made while active.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by autumn99
Dear friends,
As far as I can recall, this is my first time posting on a public online forum. I would love to hear the opinions and experiences of those out there who may be or who have had to deal with what I am about to share.
My partner of one year, and the love of my life, has been sober from alcohol use for just over 6 weeks. It has been one hell of a year! I implemented tough love, as it were, but in the end, his decision to stop drinking had very little to do with anything I said or did. For him, it came several days after the wee hours of one morning, when he woke up in an alley, in his suit and tie, after he decided the night before to have 'just one drink' after work. (To make matters worse, I was out of state, at the bedside of my grandmother, who died later that morning.) I am flooded daily with the relief that has come with his sobriety, but still find myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I need and want to heal. I want to grieve for the loss of my grandmother, who was a significant person in my life. I want to grieve for the year that I lost. I believe that he will remain sober with help. When I look at him, I see a person who had made up his mind and heart about abstaining from alcohol.
Within the last week, his infidelities from the year have come to light. Three to be precise. Three different women, two of whom he had sexual affairs with in the past but did not love (I believe they loved him), all after near-blackout nights of drinking. The first I discovered myself, the other two he admitted reluctantly after I learned of the first. We have sobbed and sobbed about these, we have stayed up half-nights talking and crying. He seems deeply ashamed; I am very, very bitter. He says he loves me more than anything and he wants to work this out. I would like that too, but I am afraid the visions of him with other women will not leave my mind ever. I don't want to allow myself to believe that these happened on account of his alcohol use at those times. I want to or just do see the infidelity as a separate issue from the alcohol, while I do realize they each contributed to each other. For example, I am taking the infidelity very personally, but not the alcoholism.
I see clearly that he is not to the point in his recovery where he understands the importance of telling the truth, no matter how painful, which, I know from the 12 steps, is coming. I, on the other hand, am finding it very difficult to heal without knowing the truth. We are at different stages. My counselor mentioned I may have to accept/forgive him for all that may have happened when he was drinking before he is even ready to get to truth-telling, if I want to remain happily in this relationship with him. Does anyone know, in everyday, practical ways, how I can do this? For example, should we begin by separating for awhile? This seems unbearable, but I do feel I need a clear head. I also worry that he needs me a lot right now, as a major support as he's going through this process. I just feel so bitter. I'm worried that my feelings about what he did may taint the quality of his recovery.
As far as I can recall, this is my first time posting on a public online forum. I would love to hear the opinions and experiences of those out there who may be or who have had to deal with what I am about to share.
My partner of one year, and the love of my life, has been sober from alcohol use for just over 6 weeks. It has been one hell of a year! I implemented tough love, as it were, but in the end, his decision to stop drinking had very little to do with anything I said or did. For him, it came several days after the wee hours of one morning, when he woke up in an alley, in his suit and tie, after he decided the night before to have 'just one drink' after work. (To make matters worse, I was out of state, at the bedside of my grandmother, who died later that morning.) I am flooded daily with the relief that has come with his sobriety, but still find myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I need and want to heal. I want to grieve for the loss of my grandmother, who was a significant person in my life. I want to grieve for the year that I lost. I believe that he will remain sober with help. When I look at him, I see a person who had made up his mind and heart about abstaining from alcohol.
Within the last week, his infidelities from the year have come to light. Three to be precise. Three different women, two of whom he had sexual affairs with in the past but did not love (I believe they loved him), all after near-blackout nights of drinking. The first I discovered myself, the other two he admitted reluctantly after I learned of the first. We have sobbed and sobbed about these, we have stayed up half-nights talking and crying. He seems deeply ashamed; I am very, very bitter. He says he loves me more than anything and he wants to work this out. I would like that too, but I am afraid the visions of him with other women will not leave my mind ever. I don't want to allow myself to believe that these happened on account of his alcohol use at those times. I want to or just do see the infidelity as a separate issue from the alcohol, while I do realize they each contributed to each other. For example, I am taking the infidelity very personally, but not the alcoholism.
I see clearly that he is not to the point in his recovery where he understands the importance of telling the truth, no matter how painful, which, I know from the 12 steps, is coming. I, on the other hand, am finding it very difficult to heal without knowing the truth. We are at different stages. My counselor mentioned I may have to accept/forgive him for all that may have happened when he was drinking before he is even ready to get to truth-telling, if I want to remain happily in this relationship with him. Does anyone know, in everyday, practical ways, how I can do this? For example, should we begin by separating for awhile? This seems unbearable, but I do feel I need a clear head. I also worry that he needs me a lot right now, as a major support as he's going through this process. I just feel so bitter. I'm worried that my feelings about what he did may taint the quality of his recovery.
His sobriety needs to take center stage, for him. You were wronged and need to be validated for what he did. You're not going to get that from him... Not right now, and maybe not for a long time. I believe that after a long time of him working a program, then couples counseling is a probablity, but ONLY after he has really worked his program. Until then, do what YOU need to do to take care of YOU. Becuase THAT is our sickness. You don't have to be mean about it, but put the necessary space between the both of you that you need. That's the job. His journey is his own path.... I agree with your counselor too. Good luck dear!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by lillamy
I just wanted to contribute a resource that I personally don't know much about other than that it has helped several of my friends who have dealt with infidelity in a relationship. Some of them have left their cheating spouses, some of them have worked it out, but all of them said this site helped a lot: SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
That said -- I think when you're dealing with an alcoholic, dealing with the alcoholism is the first step.
Hugs.
That said -- I think when you're dealing with an alcoholic, dealing with the alcoholism is the first step.
Hugs.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
