Cheating and Alcoholism go together like Bread and Butter?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I just wanted to contribute a resource that I personally don't know much about other than that it has helped several of my friends who have dealt with infidelity in a relationship. Some of them have left their cheating spouses, some of them have worked it out, but all of them said this site helped a lot: SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
That said -- I think when you're dealing with an alcoholic, dealing with the alcoholism is the first step.
Hugs.
That said -- I think when you're dealing with an alcoholic, dealing with the alcoholism is the first step.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Autumn99,
I have been with my very screwed up partner/husband for 10 years.
I "stayed" through so much infidelity. Some was blatant, some was covert. There was so much that I stopped keeping tabs.
I got tested.
I was so relieved and proud when he put himself into rehab.
He ran the whole program, got out, and I said yes to him coming home to me and our young son.
He was a teenage child, throwing power plays around, dry drunk, in that he needed to feel like his progress and his contributions were SOOO big, even compared to people who have been covering his ass for years.
During that early recovery time, he felt he did not need meetings. He was all good.
He got so bad to deal with, while physically sober that I threw him out. He went to live alone in an apartment for 6 months while we still "worked on" our relationship.
During this time of bad behavior/dry drunk...He could have easily seen another woman. His thinking and his coping skills were still unrecovered. He would think back to how "easy" it was with other girls. He was unrealistic about how they were fantasy people, who did not live in reality, they were all part of his addiction matrix, each serving a purpose fpr him. No emotional connection, not even really choices made, he was with many of these girls because they provided him with a) a willing alcoholic partner to consume with without guilt. b) an enabler who would provide him with actual alcohol after hours, or when he had none or no money. c) the perpetuation of the extreme fantasy life he had conjured up. One where he is the center of attention, drinks could erase pain and responsibilty, and the girls he spent time with supported his need to downplay how he was neglecting his son, me, or letting his life pass him by.
During his early recovery, while he was faithful, he was still not healed in that arena. He still idealized these trysts, because they represented to him a freedom, and that was associated with his drug.
After 6 months, while he was living alone. He swore on our childs life he was just remaining faithful for at least a year, so I could process the old stuff, so I could have a break. And that I would then see he meant it. And maybe I could let go a little of the past.
He was faithful. He lived in an apartment, but he called me EVERY night as he fell asleep, he worked long hours, had no time to run around, and his free time was spent with us.
NOw, at the end of that 6 months, he had secretly begun going to meetings, because he started to struggle with real life. Real life was hard. He could tell his old thinking would not work in the real world.
He worked for a while on his recovery, now has a home group, a sponsor... But I can tell you...Now that he has moved back in, and he is in a phase of MOSTLY decent, normal behavior....
He now looks upon his casual sex experiences with actual fascination,and pretty real disgust... since he simply cannot fathom being intimate with an acquaintance or stranger. It disgusts him.
The sober version of my A is a little controlling, a little OCD, a little PRIM.
He is old fashioned. He is even a little chauvinistic/ like, "you take care of your woman, and you treat her right..And she loves you, etc..."
These are more of the extreme behavior, probably unhealed and needing to balance out, but my sober A is pretty disgusted by casual sex, pretty disgusted with himself and most of the women he woke up with, or stayed with for weeks on end.
I guess, I want to say, I have not been able to let go of all the cheating pain. There are parts of town that I cant go to because of the pain. There are whole circles of friends who only know him as someone elses F-buddy/boyfriend, and I get the evil eye from them. .
Now, I get the evil eye from them while he sits with us eating dinner, that he pays for, and he comes home with us. He ended it clearly with his most recent female "friends" He called them and clearly stated he was unwilling to accept texts, phone calls, etc, and he unfriended anyone who was even a minor threat to me, let alone his past partners in crimes.
I think Cryanoak is making black white statements, where gray is called for.
Everyone is different, but my RAH is kind of a jerk, sometimes, but cheating is the last of my worries, and he was a terrible ****.
Alcohol definitely factored in to his choices.
I got drunk once and went home with someone. I Would NEVER have done that sober. I would never have even been in the bar I was in, or even the part of town I was in.
I never did it again, and, I was not a cheat, because my RAH was, at that time in another girls arms. I knew that. BUt, ALCOHOL alters judgement, Addiction SKEWS choices.
It is silly to act like someone who cheats while under the influence of a serious addiction would just by rule of thumb do the same sober. Simply not true across the board.
My best friend was a heroin addict for 2 years. She lost all her money, and she slept with men to get fixed up.
She would never do that now! Or before. Not with those men, and NOT without knowing how wrong, or against her grain it was.
Addiction makes people mess up their lives. It is about choices they made while under the influence of a substance they CHOSE to remain under the influence of.
Yeah, they have to hash that out in their amends, and whatever and they have to know that we know, and that we hurt, etc. AND they have to be confronted with a wounded irate partner 2 years after they stopped committing the adultery, because triggers get triggered, and wounds get reopened.
My RAH has said this to me, and believe me, he does not say a whole lot of things several times. Things tend to get shifty...
BUt he has repeatedly said this,
" I did not love those girls. I did not even want to have sex with MOST of those girls. I was in denial. I was in delusion. They allowed me to stay thee. THEY ENABLED my addiction thinking, some of them very aggressively with their eyes wide open. SOme girls are lonely and lack self esteem enough that they dont care why youre there, as long as they are not alone. So I would have these sick silent, unspoken agreements with these girls...They let me be a precious troubled **** up rock n roll guy,fed me vodka or beer after the bar closed, and I stayed with them so they did not have to deal with all their unhealed ****. "
.
I have been with my very screwed up partner/husband for 10 years.
I "stayed" through so much infidelity. Some was blatant, some was covert. There was so much that I stopped keeping tabs.
I got tested.
I was so relieved and proud when he put himself into rehab.
He ran the whole program, got out, and I said yes to him coming home to me and our young son.
He was a teenage child, throwing power plays around, dry drunk, in that he needed to feel like his progress and his contributions were SOOO big, even compared to people who have been covering his ass for years.
During that early recovery time, he felt he did not need meetings. He was all good.
He got so bad to deal with, while physically sober that I threw him out. He went to live alone in an apartment for 6 months while we still "worked on" our relationship.
During this time of bad behavior/dry drunk...He could have easily seen another woman. His thinking and his coping skills were still unrecovered. He would think back to how "easy" it was with other girls. He was unrealistic about how they were fantasy people, who did not live in reality, they were all part of his addiction matrix, each serving a purpose fpr him. No emotional connection, not even really choices made, he was with many of these girls because they provided him with a) a willing alcoholic partner to consume with without guilt. b) an enabler who would provide him with actual alcohol after hours, or when he had none or no money. c) the perpetuation of the extreme fantasy life he had conjured up. One where he is the center of attention, drinks could erase pain and responsibilty, and the girls he spent time with supported his need to downplay how he was neglecting his son, me, or letting his life pass him by.
During his early recovery, while he was faithful, he was still not healed in that arena. He still idealized these trysts, because they represented to him a freedom, and that was associated with his drug.
After 6 months, while he was living alone. He swore on our childs life he was just remaining faithful for at least a year, so I could process the old stuff, so I could have a break. And that I would then see he meant it. And maybe I could let go a little of the past.
He was faithful. He lived in an apartment, but he called me EVERY night as he fell asleep, he worked long hours, had no time to run around, and his free time was spent with us.
NOw, at the end of that 6 months, he had secretly begun going to meetings, because he started to struggle with real life. Real life was hard. He could tell his old thinking would not work in the real world.
He worked for a while on his recovery, now has a home group, a sponsor... But I can tell you...Now that he has moved back in, and he is in a phase of MOSTLY decent, normal behavior....
He now looks upon his casual sex experiences with actual fascination,and pretty real disgust... since he simply cannot fathom being intimate with an acquaintance or stranger. It disgusts him.
The sober version of my A is a little controlling, a little OCD, a little PRIM.
He is old fashioned. He is even a little chauvinistic/ like, "you take care of your woman, and you treat her right..And she loves you, etc..."
These are more of the extreme behavior, probably unhealed and needing to balance out, but my sober A is pretty disgusted by casual sex, pretty disgusted with himself and most of the women he woke up with, or stayed with for weeks on end.
I guess, I want to say, I have not been able to let go of all the cheating pain. There are parts of town that I cant go to because of the pain. There are whole circles of friends who only know him as someone elses F-buddy/boyfriend, and I get the evil eye from them. .
Now, I get the evil eye from them while he sits with us eating dinner, that he pays for, and he comes home with us. He ended it clearly with his most recent female "friends" He called them and clearly stated he was unwilling to accept texts, phone calls, etc, and he unfriended anyone who was even a minor threat to me, let alone his past partners in crimes.
I think Cryanoak is making black white statements, where gray is called for.
Everyone is different, but my RAH is kind of a jerk, sometimes, but cheating is the last of my worries, and he was a terrible ****.
Alcohol definitely factored in to his choices.
I got drunk once and went home with someone. I Would NEVER have done that sober. I would never have even been in the bar I was in, or even the part of town I was in.
I never did it again, and, I was not a cheat, because my RAH was, at that time in another girls arms. I knew that. BUt, ALCOHOL alters judgement, Addiction SKEWS choices.
It is silly to act like someone who cheats while under the influence of a serious addiction would just by rule of thumb do the same sober. Simply not true across the board.
My best friend was a heroin addict for 2 years. She lost all her money, and she slept with men to get fixed up.
She would never do that now! Or before. Not with those men, and NOT without knowing how wrong, or against her grain it was.
Addiction makes people mess up their lives. It is about choices they made while under the influence of a substance they CHOSE to remain under the influence of.
Yeah, they have to hash that out in their amends, and whatever and they have to know that we know, and that we hurt, etc. AND they have to be confronted with a wounded irate partner 2 years after they stopped committing the adultery, because triggers get triggered, and wounds get reopened.
My RAH has said this to me, and believe me, he does not say a whole lot of things several times. Things tend to get shifty...
BUt he has repeatedly said this,
" I did not love those girls. I did not even want to have sex with MOST of those girls. I was in denial. I was in delusion. They allowed me to stay thee. THEY ENABLED my addiction thinking, some of them very aggressively with their eyes wide open. SOme girls are lonely and lack self esteem enough that they dont care why youre there, as long as they are not alone. So I would have these sick silent, unspoken agreements with these girls...They let me be a precious troubled **** up rock n roll guy,fed me vodka or beer after the bar closed, and I stayed with them so they did not have to deal with all their unhealed ****. "
.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Autumn99,
I have been with my very screwed up partner/husband for 10 years.
I "stayed" through so much infidelity. Some was blatant, some was covert. There was so much that I stopped keeping tabs.
I got tested.
I was so relieved and proud when he put himself into rehab.
He ran the whole program, got out, and I said yes to him coming home to me and our young son.
He was a teenage child, throwing power plays around, dry drunk, in that he needed to feel like his progress and his contributions were SOOO big, even compared to people who have been covering his ass for years.
During that early recovery time, he felt he did not need meetings. He was all good.
He got so bad to deal with, while physically sober that I threw him out. He went to live alone in an apartment for 6 months while we still "worked on" our relationship.
During this time of bad behavior/dry drunk...He could have easily seen another woman. His thinking and his coping skills were still unrecovered. He would think back to how "easy" it was with other girls. He was unrealistic about how they were fantasy people, who did not live in reality, they were all part of his addiction matrix, each serving a purpose fpr him. No emotional connection, not even really choices made, he was with many of these girls because they provided him with a) a willing alcoholic partner to consume with without guilt. b) an enabler who would provide him with actual alcohol after hours, or when he had none or no money. c) the perpetuation of the extreme fantasy life he had conjured up. One where he is the center of attention, drinks could erase pain and responsibilty, and the girls he spent time with supported his need to downplay how he was neglecting his son, me, or letting his life pass him by.
During his early recovery, while he was faithful, he was still not healed in that arena. He still idealized these trysts, because they represented to him a freedom, and that was associated with his drug.
After 6 months, while he was living alone. He swore on our childs life he was just remaining faithful for at least a year, so I could process the old stuff, so I could have a break. And that I would then see he meant it. And maybe I could let go a little of the past.
He was faithful. He lived in an apartment, but he called me EVERY night as he fell asleep, he worked long hours, had no time to run around, and his free time was spent with us.
NOw, at the end of that 6 months, he had secretly begun going to meetings, because he started to struggle with real life. Real life was hard. He could tell his old thinking would not work in the real world.
He worked for a while on his recovery, now has a home group, a sponsor... But I can tell you...Now that he has moved back in, and he is in a phase of MOSTLY decent, normal behavior....
He now looks upon his casual sex experiences with actual fascination,and pretty real disgust... since he simply cannot fathom being intimate with an acquaintance or stranger. It disgusts him.
The sober version of my A is a little controlling, a little OCD, a little PRIM.
He is old fashioned. He is even a little chauvinistic/ like, "you take care of your woman, and you treat her right..And she loves you, etc..."
These are more of the extreme behavior, probably unhealed and needing to balance out, but my sober A is pretty disgusted by casual sex, pretty disgusted with himself and most of the women he woke up with, or stayed with for weeks on end.
I guess, I want to say, I have not been able to let go of all the cheating pain. There are parts of town that I cant go to because of the pain. There are whole circles of friends who only know him as someone elses F-buddy/boyfriend, and I get the evil eye from them. .
Now, I get the evil eye from them while he sits with us eating dinner, that he pays for, and he comes home with us. He ended it clearly with his most recent female "friends" He called them and clearly stated he was unwilling to accept texts, phone calls, etc, and he unfriended anyone who was even a minor threat to me, let alone his past partners in crimes.
I think Cryanoak is making black white statements, where gray is called for.
Everyone is different, but my RAH is kind of a jerk, sometimes, but cheating is the last of my worries, and he was a terrible ****.
Alcohol definitely factored in to his choices.
I got drunk once and went home with someone. I Would NEVER have done that sober. I would never have even been in the bar I was in, or even the part of town I was in.
I never did it again, and, I was not a cheat, because my RAH was, at that time in another girls arms. I knew that. BUt, ALCOHOL alters judgement, Addiction SKEWS choices.
It is silly to act like someone who cheats while under the influence of a serious addiction would just by rule of thumb do the same sober. Simply not true across the board.
My best friend was a heroin addict for 2 years. She lost all her money, and she slept with men to get fixed up.
She would never do that now! Or before. Not with those men, and NOT without knowing how wrong, or against her grain it was.
Addiction makes people mess up their lives. It is about choices they made while under the influence of a substance they CHOSE to remain under the influence of.
Yeah, they have to hash that out in their amends, and whatever and they have to know that we know, and that we hurt, etc. AND they have to be confronted with a wounded irate partner 2 years after they stopped committing the adultery, because triggers get triggered, and wounds get reopened.
My RAH has said this to me, and believe me, he does not say a whole lot of things several times. Things tend to get shifty...
BUt he has repeatedly said this,
" I did not love those girls. I did not even want to have sex with MOST of those girls. I was in denial. I was in delusion. They allowed me to stay thee. THEY ENABLED my addiction thinking, some of them very aggressively with their eyes wide open. SOme girls are lonely and lack self esteem enough that they dont care why youre there, as long as they are not alone. So I would have these sick silent, unspoken agreements with these girls...They let me be a precious troubled f*ck up rock n roll guy,fed me vodka or beer after the bar closed, and I stayed with them so they did not have to deal with all their unhealed sh*t. "
.
I have been with my very screwed up partner/husband for 10 years.
I "stayed" through so much infidelity. Some was blatant, some was covert. There was so much that I stopped keeping tabs.
I got tested.
I was so relieved and proud when he put himself into rehab.
He ran the whole program, got out, and I said yes to him coming home to me and our young son.
He was a teenage child, throwing power plays around, dry drunk, in that he needed to feel like his progress and his contributions were SOOO big, even compared to people who have been covering his ass for years.
During that early recovery time, he felt he did not need meetings. He was all good.
He got so bad to deal with, while physically sober that I threw him out. He went to live alone in an apartment for 6 months while we still "worked on" our relationship.
During this time of bad behavior/dry drunk...He could have easily seen another woman. His thinking and his coping skills were still unrecovered. He would think back to how "easy" it was with other girls. He was unrealistic about how they were fantasy people, who did not live in reality, they were all part of his addiction matrix, each serving a purpose fpr him. No emotional connection, not even really choices made, he was with many of these girls because they provided him with a) a willing alcoholic partner to consume with without guilt. b) an enabler who would provide him with actual alcohol after hours, or when he had none or no money. c) the perpetuation of the extreme fantasy life he had conjured up. One where he is the center of attention, drinks could erase pain and responsibilty, and the girls he spent time with supported his need to downplay how he was neglecting his son, me, or letting his life pass him by.
During his early recovery, while he was faithful, he was still not healed in that arena. He still idealized these trysts, because they represented to him a freedom, and that was associated with his drug.
After 6 months, while he was living alone. He swore on our childs life he was just remaining faithful for at least a year, so I could process the old stuff, so I could have a break. And that I would then see he meant it. And maybe I could let go a little of the past.
He was faithful. He lived in an apartment, but he called me EVERY night as he fell asleep, he worked long hours, had no time to run around, and his free time was spent with us.
NOw, at the end of that 6 months, he had secretly begun going to meetings, because he started to struggle with real life. Real life was hard. He could tell his old thinking would not work in the real world.
He worked for a while on his recovery, now has a home group, a sponsor... But I can tell you...Now that he has moved back in, and he is in a phase of MOSTLY decent, normal behavior....
He now looks upon his casual sex experiences with actual fascination,and pretty real disgust... since he simply cannot fathom being intimate with an acquaintance or stranger. It disgusts him.
The sober version of my A is a little controlling, a little OCD, a little PRIM.
He is old fashioned. He is even a little chauvinistic/ like, "you take care of your woman, and you treat her right..And she loves you, etc..."
These are more of the extreme behavior, probably unhealed and needing to balance out, but my sober A is pretty disgusted by casual sex, pretty disgusted with himself and most of the women he woke up with, or stayed with for weeks on end.
I guess, I want to say, I have not been able to let go of all the cheating pain. There are parts of town that I cant go to because of the pain. There are whole circles of friends who only know him as someone elses F-buddy/boyfriend, and I get the evil eye from them. .
Now, I get the evil eye from them while he sits with us eating dinner, that he pays for, and he comes home with us. He ended it clearly with his most recent female "friends" He called them and clearly stated he was unwilling to accept texts, phone calls, etc, and he unfriended anyone who was even a minor threat to me, let alone his past partners in crimes.
I think Cryanoak is making black white statements, where gray is called for.
Everyone is different, but my RAH is kind of a jerk, sometimes, but cheating is the last of my worries, and he was a terrible ****.
Alcohol definitely factored in to his choices.
I got drunk once and went home with someone. I Would NEVER have done that sober. I would never have even been in the bar I was in, or even the part of town I was in.
I never did it again, and, I was not a cheat, because my RAH was, at that time in another girls arms. I knew that. BUt, ALCOHOL alters judgement, Addiction SKEWS choices.
It is silly to act like someone who cheats while under the influence of a serious addiction would just by rule of thumb do the same sober. Simply not true across the board.
My best friend was a heroin addict for 2 years. She lost all her money, and she slept with men to get fixed up.
She would never do that now! Or before. Not with those men, and NOT without knowing how wrong, or against her grain it was.
Addiction makes people mess up their lives. It is about choices they made while under the influence of a substance they CHOSE to remain under the influence of.
Yeah, they have to hash that out in their amends, and whatever and they have to know that we know, and that we hurt, etc. AND they have to be confronted with a wounded irate partner 2 years after they stopped committing the adultery, because triggers get triggered, and wounds get reopened.
My RAH has said this to me, and believe me, he does not say a whole lot of things several times. Things tend to get shifty...
BUt he has repeatedly said this,
" I did not love those girls. I did not even want to have sex with MOST of those girls. I was in denial. I was in delusion. They allowed me to stay thee. THEY ENABLED my addiction thinking, some of them very aggressively with their eyes wide open. SOme girls are lonely and lack self esteem enough that they dont care why youre there, as long as they are not alone. So I would have these sick silent, unspoken agreements with these girls...They let me be a precious troubled f*ck up rock n roll guy,fed me vodka or beer after the bar closed, and I stayed with them so they did not have to deal with all their unhealed sh*t. "
.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
My partner and the love of my life is moving out of our home today. I am broken hearted and don't know how I am going to make it through the coming weeks. Shortly, I will be heading to the clinic to get tested for STDs, with my mother, who ran me a bath last night, made me coffee this morning. So nice to be the one taken care of for a change.
Right now, it is difficult to see the big picture in all of this. My role, how this relationship fulfilled some sick needs of my own: to take care of, to heal, to nourish those around me most ill. The self-pride that results when the ill are healed because of my efforts. The self-hatred when they don't. I have to believe there is another way to live a good life.
I have a personal relationship with my partner's parents, who live in another part of the country, and so I felt that the way I could deal with the moral dilemma I had in front of me: asking my partner to leave at a time when he is so vulnerable and needs strong support more than anything, was to tell them everything, including that cheating had occurred, the alcohol abuse, and the historyof it as far as I could tell, and to ask them to take over for me. I knew they were unaware; their son, my partner, worked very hard to make sure of that for years. They actually offered their support to me! Told me if I needed anything, I should just ask. I believe they are going to try to set up an intervention with the local counseling agency my partner and I have been resourcing. This may actually work for my partner. His parents' opinion of him, I believe, matter to him more than his drinking and as long as they we were unaware, he could continue on. I may be incorrect about this, but it's a hope. I told them I wanted nothing to do with it, the intervention, his recovery. Maybe in a year or two, but not now.
This writing and sharing helps me a lot. I feel better even having just written this now. Good day to you all!
Right now, it is difficult to see the big picture in all of this. My role, how this relationship fulfilled some sick needs of my own: to take care of, to heal, to nourish those around me most ill. The self-pride that results when the ill are healed because of my efforts. The self-hatred when they don't. I have to believe there is another way to live a good life.
I have a personal relationship with my partner's parents, who live in another part of the country, and so I felt that the way I could deal with the moral dilemma I had in front of me: asking my partner to leave at a time when he is so vulnerable and needs strong support more than anything, was to tell them everything, including that cheating had occurred, the alcohol abuse, and the historyof it as far as I could tell, and to ask them to take over for me. I knew they were unaware; their son, my partner, worked very hard to make sure of that for years. They actually offered their support to me! Told me if I needed anything, I should just ask. I believe they are going to try to set up an intervention with the local counseling agency my partner and I have been resourcing. This may actually work for my partner. His parents' opinion of him, I believe, matter to him more than his drinking and as long as they we were unaware, he could continue on. I may be incorrect about this, but it's a hope. I told them I wanted nothing to do with it, the intervention, his recovery. Maybe in a year or two, but not now.
This writing and sharing helps me a lot. I feel better even having just written this now. Good day to you all!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
Well, friends, time has eased my soul. Today, six months later, I am well on my way to healing and recovery. Perhaps, curiously to some of you, I made the decision to stay with my partner.
What happened is this:
After I asked my partner to leave, I asked him also not to contact me until he was in treatment. When he was there, I would support him in any way I could and felt ready for. This was a promise I mostly kept, as the terms were occasionally violated in the 4-5 weeks (yes, it took this long) it took him to make the decision. (We'd have dinner; we'd talk a lot on the phone; we texted almost every day.) But, I was firm: he was not allowed back in my life in the way he was before until he BEGAN treatment.
We disagreed for weeks on whether he should do inpatient, as the assessor recommended, or outpatient, so that he could continue to work without disruption. Finally, I began to listen to him when he said I was not, to support him, as he was trying to get help for himself in the way he thought was best for himself. It was one of the best concessions I made in my life.
December 7 marked his last drink. January 3 marked his first day of treatment. Presently, he's still in treatment. He's in AA. He has a sponsor and a counselor who both believe he's doing a really good job. We're in heavy duty couples counseling. I'm in a wonderful support group where I feel like I'm helping others get through the worst of it. I have amazing, understanding, intelligent, and non-judgmental friends. He's committed to sobriety and to me. I'm committed to this relationship as long as he remains sober, bottom line.
I actually have come to believe that the cheating would not have occurred but for the alcoholism, but in both the general and narrow senses. Narrow, in that he drank to black-out and near black-out on the 3 cheating occasions, and general, in that he was generally and progressively becoming a morally corrupt person as the disease took over more and more of his life.
But for my finding out about the cheating, he may still have been drinking. It was the knock-the-air-out-of-you kind of news that makes one, or two, wake up to a really, really bad situation and seek help.
Recently, an aunt gave me a packet of my grandmother's recipes, in my grandmother's careful handwriting. So: these days, I'm cooking away, planning a garden, and looking forward.
What happened is this:
After I asked my partner to leave, I asked him also not to contact me until he was in treatment. When he was there, I would support him in any way I could and felt ready for. This was a promise I mostly kept, as the terms were occasionally violated in the 4-5 weeks (yes, it took this long) it took him to make the decision. (We'd have dinner; we'd talk a lot on the phone; we texted almost every day.) But, I was firm: he was not allowed back in my life in the way he was before until he BEGAN treatment.
We disagreed for weeks on whether he should do inpatient, as the assessor recommended, or outpatient, so that he could continue to work without disruption. Finally, I began to listen to him when he said I was not, to support him, as he was trying to get help for himself in the way he thought was best for himself. It was one of the best concessions I made in my life.
December 7 marked his last drink. January 3 marked his first day of treatment. Presently, he's still in treatment. He's in AA. He has a sponsor and a counselor who both believe he's doing a really good job. We're in heavy duty couples counseling. I'm in a wonderful support group where I feel like I'm helping others get through the worst of it. I have amazing, understanding, intelligent, and non-judgmental friends. He's committed to sobriety and to me. I'm committed to this relationship as long as he remains sober, bottom line.
I actually have come to believe that the cheating would not have occurred but for the alcoholism, but in both the general and narrow senses. Narrow, in that he drank to black-out and near black-out on the 3 cheating occasions, and general, in that he was generally and progressively becoming a morally corrupt person as the disease took over more and more of his life.
But for my finding out about the cheating, he may still have been drinking. It was the knock-the-air-out-of-you kind of news that makes one, or two, wake up to a really, really bad situation and seek help.
Recently, an aunt gave me a packet of my grandmother's recipes, in my grandmother's careful handwriting. So: these days, I'm cooking away, planning a garden, and looking forward.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
My XABF cheated on me once, we broke up and he continued to see 3 or 4 women at the same time.
At one point afterwards he came out and told me that if we were together and he felt neglected and lonely he knows himself and knows he would find someone to make him feel better.
I knew I couldn't live with always wondering what moment he was going to suddenly feel like that and cheat on me. Got me wondering how many times he'd cheated on me before he made this statement.
They have their own needs, they use drinking as an excuse to get away with doing wrong things other people can't get away with and use others to blame their actions on.
It's hard enough to trust someone in a healthy relationship, forget trusting someone who drinks and lies.
My XABF cheated on me once, we broke up and he continued to see 3 or 4 women at the same time.
At one point afterwards he came out and told me that if we were together and he felt neglected and lonely he knows himself and knows he would find someone to make him feel better.
I knew I couldn't live with always wondering what moment he was going to suddenly feel like that and cheat on me. Got me wondering how many times he'd cheated on me before he made this statement.
They have their own needs, they use drinking as an excuse to get away with doing wrong things other people can't get away with and use others to blame their actions on.
It's hard enough to trust someone in a healthy relationship, forget trusting someone who drinks and lies.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hopefully this will all work out as you have it planned.
IMHO, the only thing alcohol does is lower your inhibitions...and...the bottom line is that if you are a cheater... it is a whole different issue...many are cheaters and are not addicts...they are just cheaters.
Take care of you.
IMHO, the only thing alcohol does is lower your inhibitions...and...the bottom line is that if you are a cheater... it is a whole different issue...many are cheaters and are not addicts...they are just cheaters.
Take care of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
Not sure how to respond to that, choublak. Is that one overall and exaggerated 'nope' or three nopes to three different points?
Believing our loved ones, past and present, are 'cheaters' or 'alcoholics' or simply just 'bad' doesn't quite get to the heart of it, now does it? I personally don't think so. Shame the person and we'll never get our loved ones back, as it were. Address and place boundaries on the conduct, and maybe we will.
I shared my news to demonstrate that even after all this, folks can heal. I felt there was very little information out there on the issues of cheating and alcoholism and thought maybe I could help someone who was dealing with the same issues I have. I want support and encouragement and, if felt needed, the gentle sharing of concerns. Please refrain from being mean. This is no place for that.
Believing our loved ones, past and present, are 'cheaters' or 'alcoholics' or simply just 'bad' doesn't quite get to the heart of it, now does it? I personally don't think so. Shame the person and we'll never get our loved ones back, as it were. Address and place boundaries on the conduct, and maybe we will.
I shared my news to demonstrate that even after all this, folks can heal. I felt there was very little information out there on the issues of cheating and alcoholism and thought maybe I could help someone who was dealing with the same issues I have. I want support and encouragement and, if felt needed, the gentle sharing of concerns. Please refrain from being mean. This is no place for that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Autumn99-
I get such conflicting info on alcohol and affairs.
I do know one thing though.
The affair and the drinking both made me anxious, wound up, and made me feel like I was not of value in the relationship. From that way I KNOW they were related to me.
That aside though I strongly believe that recovery can happen, from both for all parties involved.
Regardless of what happens with you as a couple, and your husband I am glad and grateful that you are healing, and taking care of yourself.
I get such conflicting info on alcohol and affairs.
I do know one thing though.
The affair and the drinking both made me anxious, wound up, and made me feel like I was not of value in the relationship. From that way I KNOW they were related to me.
That aside though I strongly believe that recovery can happen, from both for all parties involved.
Regardless of what happens with you as a couple, and your husband I am glad and grateful that you are healing, and taking care of yourself.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Autumn I hope things work out the way you would like them to. That i mean.
I guess what I always find curious are individuals who meet an alcoholic or problem drinker, put up with their antics that affect the said person emotionally and while 'only' dating. (I think of dating as a weeding out tool) Then, as in your case, you find out that he has had 3 or 4 affairs (sober or drunk doesn't matter to me-same difference) within the very short time of dating one year. Skip the middle part...you are in heavy duty couples counselling and getting help for yourself etc. I guess it just seems like a whole lot of work, emotional turmoil, hopes and prayers and fingers crossed for a guy you only knew for a year, weren't married to or have kids with. Also wondered what couples counselling does for couples in dating? If so much was wrong...is it to re-socialize the person to make them the way they need to be to have the relationship you always wanted to have with them?
That all said, people can and do change if they really don't like who they are and really want to change that.
I guess what I always find curious are individuals who meet an alcoholic or problem drinker, put up with their antics that affect the said person emotionally and while 'only' dating. (I think of dating as a weeding out tool) Then, as in your case, you find out that he has had 3 or 4 affairs (sober or drunk doesn't matter to me-same difference) within the very short time of dating one year. Skip the middle part...you are in heavy duty couples counselling and getting help for yourself etc. I guess it just seems like a whole lot of work, emotional turmoil, hopes and prayers and fingers crossed for a guy you only knew for a year, weren't married to or have kids with. Also wondered what couples counselling does for couples in dating? If so much was wrong...is it to re-socialize the person to make them the way they need to be to have the relationship you always wanted to have with them?
That all said, people can and do change if they really don't like who they are and really want to change that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
Thanks, LifeRecovery,
Regarding cheating and alcoholism, my partner's psychologist told my partner that if one continues to feel sexual compulsion (including a tendency towards excessive masturbation and pornography) after stopping drinking, then the two may be separate issues, in which the cheating behaviors may continue, but if the feelings of sexual compulsion have eased with the drinking, then the two are most likely co-existing. In that case, if one stops using alcohol, one should have no more reason to act more sexually compulsive than anyone else.
Regarding cheating and alcoholism, my partner's psychologist told my partner that if one continues to feel sexual compulsion (including a tendency towards excessive masturbation and pornography) after stopping drinking, then the two may be separate issues, in which the cheating behaviors may continue, but if the feelings of sexual compulsion have eased with the drinking, then the two are most likely co-existing. In that case, if one stops using alcohol, one should have no more reason to act more sexually compulsive than anyone else.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
gerryp,
Great points that I have pondered myself all this time. I have been married before, to a wonderful person, who I wasn't in love with.
The simple truth is I love my sober partner a great deal. For both explainable and unexplainable reasons, like anyone.
Great points that I have pondered myself all this time. I have been married before, to a wonderful person, who I wasn't in love with.
The simple truth is I love my sober partner a great deal. For both explainable and unexplainable reasons, like anyone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by autumn99 
Not sure how to respond to that, choublak. Is that one overall and exaggerated 'nope' or three nopes to three different points?
Believing our loved ones, past and present, are 'cheaters' or 'alcoholics' or simply just 'bad' doesn't quite get to the heart of it, now does it? I personally don't think so. Shame the person and we'll never get our loved ones back, as it were. Address and place boundaries on the conduct, and maybe we will.
I shared my news to demonstrate that even after all this, folks can heal. I felt there was very little information out there on the issues of cheating and alcoholism and thought maybe I could help someone who was dealing with the same issues I have. I want support and encouragement and, if felt needed, the gentle sharing of concerns. Please refrain from being mean. This is no place for that.
Believing our loved ones, past and present, are 'cheaters' or 'alcoholics' or simply just 'bad' doesn't quite get to the heart of it, now does it? I personally don't think so. Shame the person and we'll never get our loved ones back, as it were. Address and place boundaries on the conduct, and maybe we will.
I shared my news to demonstrate that even after all this, folks can heal. I felt there was very little information out there on the issues of cheating and alcoholism and thought maybe I could help someone who was dealing with the same issues I have. I want support and encouragement and, if felt needed, the gentle sharing of concerns. Please refrain from being mean. This is no place for that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by autumn99
Friends,
The night before last, I asked my partner to stay at a friend's for a day or two or three (we agreed to check in by phone several times per day). My pain from the affairs was excruciating and I couldn't stop myself from antagonizing him about the gritty, ugly details of each one, digging into the whys and personal causes. I knew he was suffering from all of my questioning--I was very hostile-- and really we weren't getting anywhere. I believed that the best thing to do was to have some time apart.
He relapsed, he admitted just a few hours ago, after choosing to stay with a friend who has his own alcohol problems and who was drinking when he arrived. My partner told me he had two stiff drinks, probably straight whiskey in the glass. He says he is upset about it and will do this, this, and this to address the problem.
I am devastated. On top of it, I am having a difficult time sleeping and I simply have had no appetite for several days. Furthermore, I've had to wait all week to get STD testing. I feel dirty and sad and afraid. If I let him go, he will drink. That is clear to me now. Understanding this, can I live with myself if I let him go? Everything feels so uncertain.
The night before last, I asked my partner to stay at a friend's for a day or two or three (we agreed to check in by phone several times per day). My pain from the affairs was excruciating and I couldn't stop myself from antagonizing him about the gritty, ugly details of each one, digging into the whys and personal causes. I knew he was suffering from all of my questioning--I was very hostile-- and really we weren't getting anywhere. I believed that the best thing to do was to have some time apart.
He relapsed, he admitted just a few hours ago, after choosing to stay with a friend who has his own alcohol problems and who was drinking when he arrived. My partner told me he had two stiff drinks, probably straight whiskey in the glass. He says he is upset about it and will do this, this, and this to address the problem.
I am devastated. On top of it, I am having a difficult time sleeping and I simply have had no appetite for several days. Furthermore, I've had to wait all week to get STD testing. I feel dirty and sad and afraid. If I let him go, he will drink. That is clear to me now. Understanding this, can I live with myself if I let him go? Everything feels so uncertain.
Really Honey, if you leave him he will drink???? How is it that you are responsible for his drinking, actually he is a jerk, you believing that to be true hits me right in the heart, it's not true. You told him you needed some time, he chooses to go to a friends house to stay where obviously he knows there will be drinking, and what does he do, drink. So what I am hearing is that is your fault he drinks, your fault he doesn't drink, your fault he had affairs, your fault your fault your fault.
You need time, he screws up, how does that show you any respect or compassion, it doesn't. Your husbands problems are his problems , not yours, stop taking responsibility for them. YOu are not talking about a child, you are talking about an adult. He is making all the wrong choices and you are taking responsibility. I would be willing to bet if you said you needed time and decided to go somewhere else and he stayed home, he would drink, he would drink if you and he were together 24/7 he is an alcoholic, he has a disease, he needs to be in treatment for it. These are the simple facts about his disease, when and if he wants to quit he will, until then he will drag you through his **** over and over and over again. No matter what he says , he is lying.
I'm so sorry you are facing all of this, but you did not cause it , he did.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Re Post # 27 Buffalo66
Thank you for an enlightening post to which few have added "thanks"
My ex AW was a very conservative even shy person She had academic interests and hobbies. When alcoholism set in and progressed she became a "different person". New world revolved around drinking and IMO flings with men helped her self esteem as well as believing she was more involved with the "in crowd". Her nice female friends at that time commented on her "odd behavior" as she was married.
According to the addictionology experts, chemical addiction and promiscuity are highly correlated.
Personally my love for her extended well beyond the framework of so called "faithfulness" Theres lots of men and women out there in the world of clubs, bars, that can and do sleep with others they meet there. Some are predators, some are not. Some are addicts/alcoholics also, some are not.
For some of us, infidelity is the last straw and can delude reason and logic. It depends on the individual.
For those ladies that cannot get around it and will get a divorce, just look on the bright side, Marc Anthony (Latin heart throb singer) will be available soon. For the guys with dealbreaker AW's, Jennifer Lopez.
Thank you for an enlightening post to which few have added "thanks"
My ex AW was a very conservative even shy person She had academic interests and hobbies. When alcoholism set in and progressed she became a "different person". New world revolved around drinking and IMO flings with men helped her self esteem as well as believing she was more involved with the "in crowd". Her nice female friends at that time commented on her "odd behavior" as she was married.
According to the addictionology experts, chemical addiction and promiscuity are highly correlated.
Personally my love for her extended well beyond the framework of so called "faithfulness" Theres lots of men and women out there in the world of clubs, bars, that can and do sleep with others they meet there. Some are predators, some are not. Some are addicts/alcoholics also, some are not.
For some of us, infidelity is the last straw and can delude reason and logic. It depends on the individual.
For those ladies that cannot get around it and will get a divorce, just look on the bright side, Marc Anthony (Latin heart throb singer) will be available soon. For the guys with dealbreaker AW's, Jennifer Lopez.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: SC
Posts: 149
"One of the best things I did for myself was to decide not to decide right away, about any of it. I gave the relationship six months to see what would happen. I was making myself an anxious crazy mess trying to decide when I was still in the throes of the trauma and drauma. That helped to take the pressure off. "
This is a wise statement, Autumn...I'm two months out from discovering my recovering AH's affair. I haven't read all of the replies on here-but I did read you asked him to leave after he relapsed. Good for you! My AH and I are still living together, going to therapy, but one of my conditions was, no relapse or we are done. I am sad for you-but feel some relief for you in that he has made it "easy" for you to see he is not ready to do the
work required to get himself together, much less your relationship....
Godspeed, Autumn.
This is a wise statement, Autumn...I'm two months out from discovering my recovering AH's affair. I haven't read all of the replies on here-but I did read you asked him to leave after he relapsed. Good for you! My AH and I are still living together, going to therapy, but one of my conditions was, no relapse or we are done. I am sad for you-but feel some relief for you in that he has made it "easy" for you to see he is not ready to do the
work required to get himself together, much less your relationship....
Godspeed, Autumn.
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