Unopened bottle of wine
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
Unopened bottle of wine
My husband went to rehab in August and has been sober ever since... at least since I left to go visit family for 10 days and he stayed at home.
He and I spend most of our time together when we are at home, and he gets very lonely when I go away.
Neither one of us likes to drive at night, as we both have bad eyesight, and so this limits the amount of meetings he attends... when I went away, he attended none.
Every day I was gone, we spoke a few times a day on the phone. He sounded cheerful and healthy, not at all the same man I used to leave behind when I traveled.
The last day before I came home, he didn't answer when I called, and when I finally did speak with him, he sounded woggly... he claimed he was just really tired from chores around the house and I had woken him from a nap.
The next day, when I came home, he seemed well... and was happily drinking his ginger ale.
Today when he was at work, I went to get some catfood out of the pantry. I had to move a styrofoam cooler which was a little heavier than an empty cooler should've been. I looked inside and there was an unopened bottle of wine.
He works at a resort where the employees have first dibs on the unused food and beverages the departing guests leave behind. This was a continuing problem when he was drinking, as there is always plenty of alcohol when people go on vacation. So he may have come across it at work during a weak moment.
My first instinct was to leave it on the counter to greet him when he comes home, but I have put in back where I found it. It's not my problem, right? He has to make these decisions on his own. At least the bottle was unopened.
What is the proper way to handle this? Did I do the right thing?
Thanks so much in advance for your input...
He and I spend most of our time together when we are at home, and he gets very lonely when I go away.
Neither one of us likes to drive at night, as we both have bad eyesight, and so this limits the amount of meetings he attends... when I went away, he attended none.
Every day I was gone, we spoke a few times a day on the phone. He sounded cheerful and healthy, not at all the same man I used to leave behind when I traveled.
The last day before I came home, he didn't answer when I called, and when I finally did speak with him, he sounded woggly... he claimed he was just really tired from chores around the house and I had woken him from a nap.
The next day, when I came home, he seemed well... and was happily drinking his ginger ale.
Today when he was at work, I went to get some catfood out of the pantry. I had to move a styrofoam cooler which was a little heavier than an empty cooler should've been. I looked inside and there was an unopened bottle of wine.
He works at a resort where the employees have first dibs on the unused food and beverages the departing guests leave behind. This was a continuing problem when he was drinking, as there is always plenty of alcohol when people go on vacation. So he may have come across it at work during a weak moment.
My first instinct was to leave it on the counter to greet him when he comes home, but I have put in back where I found it. It's not my problem, right? He has to make these decisions on his own. At least the bottle was unopened.
What is the proper way to handle this? Did I do the right thing?
Thanks so much in advance for your input...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand living with alcoholism and hope to share our experience, strength and hope with you.
I recommend reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the pages. Some of our stories are there as well as tons of wisdom.
This is one of my favorite:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
As far as the current situation, ask yourself a few questions: What is the motivation for asking about the bottle of wine? What answer am I expecting? What answer am I not expecting? What changes?
In asking myself those questions, I can determine if I am just trying to make myself appear right and the other person appear wrong OR am I trying to force my views on the other person? I also want to know what answer I hope to receive and what answer may not be what I expected. I often got the unexpected answers when dealing with an alcoholic.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand living with alcoholism and hope to share our experience, strength and hope with you.
I recommend reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the pages. Some of our stories are there as well as tons of wisdom.
This is one of my favorite:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
As far as the current situation, ask yourself a few questions: What is the motivation for asking about the bottle of wine? What answer am I expecting? What answer am I not expecting? What changes?
In asking myself those questions, I can determine if I am just trying to make myself appear right and the other person appear wrong OR am I trying to force my views on the other person? I also want to know what answer I hope to receive and what answer may not be what I expected. I often got the unexpected answers when dealing with an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 16
This is my opinion on the matter; I would have left it on the counter. It is his problem, but he is hurting you (a recovering) by having it in the house. It is unfair and possibly if this continues detrimental to your own healing process. If he is relapsing it is his problem, but do you really want to be around him drinking/drunk??? Nope! I would confront him about what you found, maybe it was unopened because he had a last minute realization of what it would mean and tried to him it from himself, but I thin k for your health he should at least know that drinking in the house is unexceptionable ... if he is going to drink he should go somewhere else to do it. Sending you positive vibes.
Fenic
Fenic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
In my original post, I never once said I was contemplating asking him about it... just that I was considering leaving it out so he could see that I found it. I did put it away again, as it is his problem... he needs to be the one to say "no"... I can't do that for him.
I, myself, am a non-drinker, so this is not hindering or threatening my recovery in any way.
I do have plenty of experience being lied to and I know that is what alcoholics do.
Thanks again for your suggestions and good vibes.
I, myself, am a non-drinker, so this is not hindering or threatening my recovery in any way.
I do have plenty of experience being lied to and I know that is what alcoholics do.
Thanks again for your suggestions and good vibes.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
It would've been something I would've left out or thrown it out(most likely thrown it out in the rubbish) to help my Own recovery. You see, if I put it back where I found it and not said a word about it, I would've found myself checking and checking to see if it moved. A test of him, of sorts. Driving myself batty: Is this the same bottle? Has it been tampered with? Is that the same level it was? Is that really wine in there?
I probably would've thrown it out. Not for him but for myself.
I probably would've thrown it out. Not for him but for myself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Yeah, I probably would have thrown it out as well, just out of annoyance.
He is absolutely drinking again, I think your instinct is already telling you that. If he took home wine and then later decided "Oh no I can't risk my recovery," he'd have thrown it out. He's probably got more hidden around the house.
I can sympathise, it sucks going away and knowing in your heart that some primitive part of your husband's brain is like, "Yay, mommy's away and I get to drink!"
He is absolutely drinking again, I think your instinct is already telling you that. If he took home wine and then later decided "Oh no I can't risk my recovery," he'd have thrown it out. He's probably got more hidden around the house.
I can sympathise, it sucks going away and knowing in your heart that some primitive part of your husband's brain is like, "Yay, mommy's away and I get to drink!"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
mmmm, I'm not so sure. I read over on the A's board to gain perspective and sometimes they talk about hesitating to get rid of their dealer's phone number, etc. or some other token of active addiction days. They don't think they will ever relapse but struggle to let go of the last ties.
My AH who is an active closet drinker would never bring a bottle into the house and not open it. I think if he had already relapsed the bottle would have been opened.
What would I do? Put it back and forget about it. If he's relapsed without immediately trying to become sober again, you'll know soon enough. I would ask myself "what am I going to do with this information?" And then I would ask "is that a healthy response?"
My AH who is an active closet drinker would never bring a bottle into the house and not open it. I think if he had already relapsed the bottle would have been opened.
What would I do? Put it back and forget about it. If he's relapsed without immediately trying to become sober again, you'll know soon enough. I would ask myself "what am I going to do with this information?" And then I would ask "is that a healthy response?"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 13
From an alcoholic's perspective: it is his. He chose to bring it in. If you've already set up consequences should you find drinks (and you had to have been very specific), then by all means do what you were going to do (throw it out, confront him, etc).
Otherwise, this is his choice. He has to choose to not take that first drink again after being sober else the insanity starts all over for him again. He will be very resentful that you are choosing for him. In that situation, he'll keep drinking until you either leave him alone and let him decide for himself or until he accepts the fact that he has no power over your actions. Either way, it's on him. Let him learn and grow.
If you've come to the conclusion that you can't take it anymore, that's a different matter entirely.
Otherwise, this is his choice. He has to choose to not take that first drink again after being sober else the insanity starts all over for him again. He will be very resentful that you are choosing for him. In that situation, he'll keep drinking until you either leave him alone and let him decide for himself or until he accepts the fact that he has no power over your actions. Either way, it's on him. Let him learn and grow.
If you've come to the conclusion that you can't take it anymore, that's a different matter entirely.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Do you really know how long it's been there? I'm an alcoholic. I wouldn't leave a bottle in the house for my DH to find if I was actively drinking; not on purpose! Hell no. Do you really know how long it's been there? If not maybe you should toss it. If he does find it it may cause him to relapse. Just another perspective.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
You've asked what is the proper way to handle this. I guess the answer to this deppends on the agreement you have with your RAH in regard to his drinking. If the agreement is he will not drink, than I believe that also means he wouldn't be bringing drinks home. Do you have an alcohol free home? If you do than him bringing a bottle home is disrespectful to your agreement.
Don't get me wrong what I mean is: if he is going to drink again he'll drink again regardless of what you do or don't do, but for your own sake you need to keep your boundaries firm. If you feel uncomfortable with him bringing a bottle home IMO you should let him know. I don't see a point in you feeling bad about it and saying nothing. Why would you need a bottle in your home if none of you drinks? To me it would feel like a bomb waiting to explode.
Also, I don't see much point in all that thinking should I do this or that to make my (R)A feel better and don't drink again (finding a proper thing to do). In my experience it never proved helpful. He is a grown man who should be able to take care of himself and take responsibilities for his action. Pretending not to see an elephant in the room is not helping anyone IMO.
If he is serious about his recovery than talking about it could do you both some good, and if he is not, than I'm sure you know pretty well by now when he is lying. I think the only real question here is: what would you do if he drinks again?
I don't intend to me mean or anything like that, I just hate the idea of that unopened bottle disturbing your peace as I know how that feels like.
HUGS
Don't get me wrong what I mean is: if he is going to drink again he'll drink again regardless of what you do or don't do, but for your own sake you need to keep your boundaries firm. If you feel uncomfortable with him bringing a bottle home IMO you should let him know. I don't see a point in you feeling bad about it and saying nothing. Why would you need a bottle in your home if none of you drinks? To me it would feel like a bomb waiting to explode.
Also, I don't see much point in all that thinking should I do this or that to make my (R)A feel better and don't drink again (finding a proper thing to do). In my experience it never proved helpful. He is a grown man who should be able to take care of himself and take responsibilities for his action. Pretending not to see an elephant in the room is not helping anyone IMO.
If he is serious about his recovery than talking about it could do you both some good, and if he is not, than I'm sure you know pretty well by now when he is lying. I think the only real question here is: what would you do if he drinks again?
I don't intend to me mean or anything like that, I just hate the idea of that unopened bottle disturbing your peace as I know how that feels like.
HUGS
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