GoneMadinAustin

I'm sitting here thinking how crazy can I be……

After a year of no contact with HER and some peace, I got a traffic ticket, which went to HER address and she contacted me Aug 8th. In 8 weeks, I went from peace to HELL!

I initiated the no contact, after SHE cheated on me and got pregnant by her married boyfriend (who I found out she has been seeing the entire time we were together...12 yrs!!!) and while I was going thru chemo and removal of my kidney due to kidney cancer. Btw, she contacted me periodically throughout the pregnancy but I NEVER returned her calls or texts.

I asked her to mail me the ticket, she refused and wanted to bring me the ticket. She brought me the ticket and then told me she lost her baby at birth. I felt compassion for her and began just spending time listening and talking to her. All I asked of her was to be honest with me. I should have known better and listened with my head rather than my heart. Because the entire time she talked about hoping the married boyfriend would leave his wife and come back to her (as if he even left!) I tried to be comforting but my gut kept telling me something wasn’t right. On Sept 27th, I got an incoherent call, she was stumbling around her neighborhood naked high on pills (In 2006 I got her into rehab for pills only for her to relapse immediately upon release and run out to be with another man 3 hrs after we got home from rehab!). I rushed over and cleaned her up. Does the married boyfriend come?! No! he's over with his wife (who apparently has been aware of the affair the entire time!) The next day I went back to her house to talk to her, she didn’t remember a thing and then lied to a local pharmacy to get more pills. Still I didn’t “listen”. Finally, Oct 8th she tells me she’s going away for a weekend to a concert with the married BF when she had been telling me that they rarely spoke unless it was about their dead daughter. I KNEW that was a lie but I chose to believe otherwise (WHY?? I don’t know!) Instead of walking away then like any SANE person, I started doing some digging and found out from her sister that the consensus in her family is her baby didn’t die but that SHE may have killed her baby by regularly overdosing on Ambien and other drugs and passing out during her pregnancy! (SHE and the married boyfriend chose to not have an autopsy done for fear that drugs would be detected in the baby and she would be charged with a crime) I was shocked! BUT I’m still hooked! I have no direct contact with HER in 10 days now, no txt, no email, no phonecalls BUT I look at her facebook and ***** page to see what she’s doing. I’m asking myself why do I care?! Why am I looking?! I feel like I'm going crazy and I am crazy for wanting HER, the addict, back. 12 yrs I realize the whole time was one BIG lie! I can't get back the time and I'm angry, I feel used, abused, ashamed, embarrassed, betrayed. I gave and gave; SHE took and took. Through cancer and illness, I gave and she took. I feel like my ability to trust is gone completely. The things I ALLOWED her to do to me and what I did to MYSELF. Now I have no self-respect, what kind of man allows this to happen to HIMSELF??! I’m a successful executive single no kids a desirable partner, Now I’m 47 scared and alone (I have few friends and no family, only child of a deceased single parent) and feel I’ve wasted the better part of my life for 12 yrs with a lying, drug addicted morally and ethically bankrupt bottomless pit of a woman!!! WTF HAPPENED? I'm going crazy.....

BrianUtley

Gonemadinaustin, sorry that you have to deal with. Matters of the heart are hard. Especially when it comes to someone who we truly love and have spent a good chunk of our life with. I know it is easier said then done, but try to remember the peace that you finally found after a year of no contact. At some point we all have to make the decision to do what is going to bring us the most peace in the long-term. It sounds like maybe you should once again completely remove yourself from the situation again and find that peace that you had just a short while back.
My sponsor once told me that the harder decision to make is usually the right one. Im sure its hard to tell this ex of yours that you once again don't want any contact with her but it sounds like you may need to go that route to find some peace again.

suki44883

Maybe you should consider finding a counselor to talk to about this. It certainly couldn't hurt, and you definitely could use some face-to-face support. You might also consider attending nar-anon meetings where you will find people who have gone through what you have. I would definitely suggest you go back to NO CONTACT. Change your phone number and email if you have to. Stay away from her facebook page.

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here.

nodaybut2day

Instead of spending your time berating yourself, how about a shift of perspective. What happened recently was a reminder to you, from HP or whatever you believe in, that you need to keep working on your own recovery. It was meant to happen because you needed the reminder. It is not a reflection on you as a person or your worth. We are here to learn and journey. That's it.

Give yourself a break. And perhaps, start making a plan. Plan to take care of HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired), and if your social situation needs some reviving, then by all means, give it a boost. Meet new people by going to new activities or starting a new hobby. I've often found that friendships take time and effort to develop; if I want friends around me, I have to nurture those relationships with calls and emails here and there, and going out to lunch or coffee occasionally. Slowly those relationships blossom and suddenly, I'm not as alone as I felt I was.

*hugs* to you. It does get better.

PurpleWilder

I have an ex that I was absolutely nuts (read: insane, obsessed, mentally sick) about. He has tried to contact me twice now over the last 17 years. And every time he does - I instantly turn into a nincompoop. Stinkin' thinkin, guilt, shame, obsession all over again.

Like a regular addict, if I start up with contact again I go right back to where I left off. Instantly I am right back to full-blown codependency.

So finally I realized that contact with him was like being allergic to something - except with him, I break out in stupid all over my life. So I have to let him be both in real life and in my head. So I do understand where you are coming from.

You slipped. But you caught yourself. Sometimes it is quick learning, sometimes it is slow - I tend to be on the super-slow side emotionally. But the goal is PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION.

GoneMadinAustin

I REALLY appreciate all the comments/posts! Doesn't help that its the weekend and I sit alone ( I know my choice) but I don't feel fit to be social. I'll keep reading here...again thanks to all of YOU!

wifeofanACoA

You're doing well.
Just breathe.

We aren't able to have everything go perfectly the first time, the second time, the 18th time.

Try to find something to distract yourself. Read a book. Draw a picture. Focus on something that makes you feel good about yourself. Exercise.

Don't go blaming yourself. You're human and this is really difficult.
Listen to some good music or watch a sitcom.

Just try to keep from stewing. Make a cup of tea

Whatever you do just do something to take care of YOU.

You're doing just fine and it will slowly but surely get a teensy bit easier. Takes time.

TakingCharge999

We are always alone...

Block her in facebook, you'll feel good, honest

Stop beating yourself up, you are just a human being, did your best with what you knew then. Now you are someone different, you have learned. Everything is an experience... its ok.. today you are free... today, is a new day.

tryintosmile

Sorry you're going through this, but you are NOT crazy. There's no question that you need to build that 'time away' feeling again and the hardest part is that it DOES take time. It reminds me of quitting smoking. They say that all it takes is one drag and you're hooked again. I've seen this happen with people time and time again. Any contact with her is your 'one drag'. Each day away - in every aspect - is your path to quitting again. You did SO well the first time, likely because you were SO angry and anger fueled your 'no contact' rule. Now it seems as though you need a new motivation, and your anger has been directed at yourself now, which isn't helping. I agree with the other suggestions here. Perhaps counselling and finding some new friends. Easier said than done, but if you can put yourself out there, you may be pleasantly surprised

mattmathews

I started going to Al-Anon meetings shortly after my wife went into rehab. The "first step" totally resonated with me...I had no problem admitting that my life had become completely unmanageable.
The first word I picked up in Al-Anon was "serenity," and the promise that I might find it. The second word that jumped out at me was "detachment." I remember reading in Codependent No More that if you can't detach in love, it's better that you detach in anger. But you must detach.
I couldn't do it. I had no personal boundaries. I reacted to everything my wife did or said or thought. I'd get sooooo spun up.
I remember realizing at some point how "icky" that made me feel inside. Angry, scared, confused, tense. It was just such a horrible feeling.
I'm better now. I wish I could tell you there's an easy way to learn to detach. All I know is that it was hard, and it was slow.
I went to meetings, counseling, I read.
I learned that I'm not a mind reader...I really don't know what my wife is thinking.
I learned that what's going on inside her isn't about me. Her feelings are her feelings and I can listen to her talk about them without it being an "attack" on me. ("What other people think about me is none of my business!")
I learned that when my feelings are hurt, I can talk about what's bothering me instead of letting it fester--and that makes me feel better!
I'm not perfect, I'm much better with my wife...(there's this guy at work that's totally been getting under my skin). But I was just thinking the other day about how long it's been since I felt "icky."
The theme I keep seeing in SR is the idea that we should have "no contact" with the alcoholic. That we should divorce, or dump, or leave the alcoholic. To me, that's not detachment...that's just separation. The distance may give us serenity, for a time, but it's not fixing the problem. We're still just as attached as we ever were. But we don't have to be. We need to keep focus on us.

kiki5711

It's almost like a "battered wife" syndrom. Why we stay? We are trapped mentally and finally when we do get out, we wonder and wonder why we ever put up with it that long. Most people cannot understand that unless they've been through it.

I have been through it. In 12 yrs of abuse, I lost my self worth, wondering what the hell I was doing, but was afraid to leave.

Finally, when it was all over, and he was out of my life, I felt like I was 18 yrs old again. THe old fresh, fantastic self was back. I was in my early 40s.

Get away from her, and never look back. You'll find who you are all over again, and you will eventually find someone who will appreciate you and love you for the true person that you are.

skippernlilg

Hi GoingMad!! You can go the other way, too. Going Not Mad. You have a choice!! What wonderful power is that?!!

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I remember having to break my serenity down from thinking about 12 year blocks and starting to think about 12 minute blocks of time, then 12 hours, then 12 days, and so on. It worked for me!! Detachment and joy-seeking.

GoneMadinAustin

First thank all of you for your support! I managed to get thru the night.

It was helpful to know that people I have never met or know (all of you) have said a prayer of sorts for my peace and serenity. Please know that I do that for each of YOU as well.

I know that I went more than a YEAR without contact with HER and I can go the rest of my life that way. Like any drug, the withdrawal is the most difficult. Amazes me how 16 months of progress can be destroyed in 8 weeks!

Again thanks for all your thoughts, support and prayers. I'll keep showing up and hope all of YOU do the same.

Tuffgirl

So you had another crazy go-around...we have all done it...its normal to get sucked back into the rabbit hole, especially because we tend to be empathetic, compassionate, loving people.

But now you know - again - what you have in store if you continue to communicate with her. More craziness. So I'd say this was a great lesson learned instead of a mistake. ; )

Stay strong!
~T

LifeRecovery

I just wanted to welcome you and say how much I could relate.

I have been separated from my problem drinker for 14months now. One of the hardest things I have had to do since then is drive by the street he lives on to get to work everyday (there is not another option). My dermatologist is at one end and my dentist is at the other. I did not even know the name of this stupid street until he lived there. It was really hard at first to not look down the street and check up on what was going on. I had to force myself for many months to not look down the street. Eventually it was a habit and not nearly as emotional.

About six weeks ago all of the emotions resurfaced again and I became a crazy person. Curious, nosy and it feels like checking up on him again (we are divorced and really have nothing to be in touch about). It felt like I was back to my old worried self.

It took a little bit, but I was able to get myself back on track. I was able to notice progress in myself too. For example it only took a few weeks to get back to where I was instead of months. Sure I was dealing with my crazy making behavior, but at least I was not in denial about my crazy making behavior this time around. It helped me to see I really have been making progress, and I bet you have too.

suki44883

I had to force myself for many months to not look down the street. Eventually it was a habit and not nearly as emotional.

^^^This is true in many cases. We start out having to force ourselves to do what is best, but the more we do it, the easier it gets, until it's a habit not to do the unhealthy thing.

dandelion75

Hi, I am brand new here. I've just been looking around trying to figure out if I belong here. I am in a relationship and it literally has made me crazy. I cannot get out though. I feel trapped and like you, I feel like I've wasted so much time. The thing is, I can't end it. I don't know why. There's something deep inside me, that won't just let go. The idea of it, scares the hell out of me. It's worse than death. Dealing with the pain. The one thing I do have to say is that you need to give yourself credit for ending it and cutting her out. Even though you do go on facebook etc to see what she's up to, 10 days is a REALLY long time. I can't even go more than one day without going crazy. I just want to say that you should maybe try and focus on the fact that you have cut her off. You're taking steps in the right direction. I hope you're doing ok.

Bernadette

It was helpful to know that people I have never met or know (all of you) have said a prayer of sorts for my peace and serenity.

That reminds me a favorite AlAnon joke: Alanon: where you walk into a room of complete strangers with whom you can reminisce!

GoneMad - glad you posted here - this is a place to not feel alone and to feel understood. You said something in your op that struck me:

Now I’m 47 scared and alone (I have few friends and no family, only child of a deceased single parent) and feel I’ve wasted the better part of my life for 12 yrs with a lying, drug addicted morally and ethically bankrupt bottomless pit of a woman!!!

This seems like a GREAT sentence to bring to a therapist! Really good jumping off point.

It's like playing competitive basketball - don't play the last five minutes of the game beating yourself up for blowing a pass or missing a basket, see that the next 5 minutes is more important and still up for grabs - get your head in the game, in the moment, and choose to make the next 12 years a time for peace of mind, new friendships, joy! I needed AlAnon and therapy to keep me on track and in the game - not easy but WORTH it!

Peace,
B

GoneMadinAustin

Dandelion 75

I'm new here and don't know all the protocols as to communication but I wanted to say to you that making the decision to DETACH is/was painful and scary as hell for me and still is but I KNOW it's THE best decision. I come to this site and post my feelings and try to talk to others. I wish there was an easier way but the only way out of the pain is through. Can't go around it or by-pass it. As you've seen from my thread there are LOTS of people here will give you support and encouragement. The decision as always is up to you.

Best

B

Bernadette

From Dandelion 75: The thing is, I can't end it. I don't know why. There's something deep inside me, that won't just let go. The idea of it, scares the hell out of me. It's worse than death. Dealing with the pain.

Hi Dandelion and welcome! Your words struck me as the same kind of thing A's say about alcohol. It can be easier for us to tell them they need to quit and get help than for us to see how much WE need to quit and get help!!

Glad you're here - keep seeking help, asking questions, making small changes! Even baby steps will get you where you want to go!

Peace-
B