Would You Accept This? ...
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Would You Accept This? ...
I know the minds of A's do not function in the same way ours do, so it's difficult to try to rationalize something that is irrational.
He started chatting up this woman at work. She's lonely, but very nice and talks to everyone. I've met her. She is not attractive but dresses provocatively (likely for attention - which works). She's not shy and once owned a lingerie boutique she's well known for in this small town. AH has always fantasized a 3-some and apparently she's offered him one. So - they have conversations about sex (I grilled him to find out what he's been chatting about with her and WHY he went to her place while I was in the city for a couple of days - I did some detective work). He lies like a rug, but he tells some truths and some half-truths so I'm still trying to get my head around this.
He swears up and down that he did NOT have sex with her, although he says she told him she could tell he had 'a nice little package' down there. He says he went over - had a glass of wine with her - and was back home in half an hour. I asked 'why?' such a short time, and he said he decided he didn't want to ruin everything we have here (and perhaps guilt - and perhaps she's weird - and perhaps she doesn't attract him). I'm still trying to figure this one out and how I should react to it. Normal people sometimes leave their partners for something like this but he keeps repeating 'I didn't do anything wrong' (because he 'says' he didn't have sex with her). In his warped mind, it's not wrong to go to this woman's house, the second I leave on a little trip. He says she's just a nice person to talk to and we're new to this town and don't know anyone except his co-workers. I'm just wondering how far I'm supposed to stretch my already stretched boundaries. He even says he wants me to get to know her - thinks we'd get along. I feel insane about stuff like this.
He thinks I should drop it and stop questioning him. He says 'If I were going to cheat on you - it wouldn't be with her - it would be with one of the more attractive women there - so don't worry about it'. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT? The stuff he expects me to accept would really be unacceptable in a NORMAL relationship. There are many instances I've been expected to accept, that a 'normie' wouldn't. Does this become OUR norm if we choose to stay?
No boundaries - no ethics - no morals - it seems. Every time I thought I had a line drawn, it got erased. I wonder how others can accept these things and simply attribute them to the disease.
Something else that bothers me is the number of women who believe he's this awesome guy. I can't believe how many women he can suck in (like he did with me once). I sometimes believe that some women are so desperate that they'll do anything to dispel their loneliness and it's very sad to see. If they only knew ... The reason I would even say this is that the woman he was with when we'd broken up temporarily several years ago was also not very attractive (I saw photos) as well, but he told her she was beautiful on the first night he met her. That's all he had to say and she was smitten. He told me that she was so ugly you could wipe a dog's a** with her face. I just don't know whether I need to become more open minded, stop sweating the small stuff or just get the heck away.
It worries me that I have no trust left. I don't think I trust many people anymore, having gone through what I have with him, and that was always at the top of my list
He started chatting up this woman at work. She's lonely, but very nice and talks to everyone. I've met her. She is not attractive but dresses provocatively (likely for attention - which works). She's not shy and once owned a lingerie boutique she's well known for in this small town. AH has always fantasized a 3-some and apparently she's offered him one. So - they have conversations about sex (I grilled him to find out what he's been chatting about with her and WHY he went to her place while I was in the city for a couple of days - I did some detective work). He lies like a rug, but he tells some truths and some half-truths so I'm still trying to get my head around this.
He swears up and down that he did NOT have sex with her, although he says she told him she could tell he had 'a nice little package' down there. He says he went over - had a glass of wine with her - and was back home in half an hour. I asked 'why?' such a short time, and he said he decided he didn't want to ruin everything we have here (and perhaps guilt - and perhaps she's weird - and perhaps she doesn't attract him). I'm still trying to figure this one out and how I should react to it. Normal people sometimes leave their partners for something like this but he keeps repeating 'I didn't do anything wrong' (because he 'says' he didn't have sex with her). In his warped mind, it's not wrong to go to this woman's house, the second I leave on a little trip. He says she's just a nice person to talk to and we're new to this town and don't know anyone except his co-workers. I'm just wondering how far I'm supposed to stretch my already stretched boundaries. He even says he wants me to get to know her - thinks we'd get along. I feel insane about stuff like this.
He thinks I should drop it and stop questioning him. He says 'If I were going to cheat on you - it wouldn't be with her - it would be with one of the more attractive women there - so don't worry about it'. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT? The stuff he expects me to accept would really be unacceptable in a NORMAL relationship. There are many instances I've been expected to accept, that a 'normie' wouldn't. Does this become OUR norm if we choose to stay?
No boundaries - no ethics - no morals - it seems. Every time I thought I had a line drawn, it got erased. I wonder how others can accept these things and simply attribute them to the disease.
Something else that bothers me is the number of women who believe he's this awesome guy. I can't believe how many women he can suck in (like he did with me once). I sometimes believe that some women are so desperate that they'll do anything to dispel their loneliness and it's very sad to see. If they only knew ... The reason I would even say this is that the woman he was with when we'd broken up temporarily several years ago was also not very attractive (I saw photos) as well, but he told her she was beautiful on the first night he met her. That's all he had to say and she was smitten. He told me that she was so ugly you could wipe a dog's a** with her face. I just don't know whether I need to become more open minded, stop sweating the small stuff or just get the heck away.
It worries me that I have no trust left. I don't think I trust many people anymore, having gone through what I have with him, and that was always at the top of my list
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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Among the myriad of problems *I* see with this scenario, the most troublesome is the way he dismisses and invalidates your feelings about it. This can make one feel pretty crazy and extremely frustrated when you are sitting there (basically) saying, "This is totally unacceptable behavior. I feel disrespected. I feel that our marriage is unimportant to you." He doesn't acknowledge ANY of that but instead (basically) says, "Oh, that's just crazy!! You SHOULDN'T feel that way!"
NO. You are certainly ENTITLED to feel what you feel about it and IF HE CARED he would take the time to put himself in your shoes and acknowledge that it is totally inappropriate behavior and he understands how your feel. Instead he only defends his position so that he can continue with it. He is demonstrating that your feelings mean nothing to him.
So now the question is -- what do you want for your life?
NO. You are certainly ENTITLED to feel what you feel about it and IF HE CARED he would take the time to put himself in your shoes and acknowledge that it is totally inappropriate behavior and he understands how your feel. Instead he only defends his position so that he can continue with it. He is demonstrating that your feelings mean nothing to him.
So now the question is -- what do you want for your life?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Really, who cares whether they actually had actual sex, whatever that may mean?
Deciding to be married means deciding to be romantically/sexually involved with one person. That means no chatting up other people, no talking about packages with other people, no going over for a glass of wine at other's people's houses. If he's decided he wants to do all that stuff, okay--it means he doesn't want to be married.
But the weirdest thing about all this is how he's making a point of throwing it in your face. How do you know about the glass of wine? The package comments and the three-some conversations? He's made a point of telling it all to you--probably to hurt you, or to make a point of how interchangeable women are, or just to get you to leave.
Just imagine him instead waving a big flag and saying, "Hi, I'm a jerk! A jerk!"
Deciding to be married means deciding to be romantically/sexually involved with one person. That means no chatting up other people, no talking about packages with other people, no going over for a glass of wine at other's people's houses. If he's decided he wants to do all that stuff, okay--it means he doesn't want to be married.
But the weirdest thing about all this is how he's making a point of throwing it in your face. How do you know about the glass of wine? The package comments and the three-some conversations? He's made a point of telling it all to you--probably to hurt you, or to make a point of how interchangeable women are, or just to get you to leave.
Just imagine him instead waving a big flag and saying, "Hi, I'm a jerk! A jerk!"
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
Hello Trintosmile,
My now ExAH, he would do all same things,until I turned, "told him how nice that you have found a new girlfriend",another "you arent sleeping with me until you get a check up at sexually transmitted diseases clinic"(you should have seen his face)-they dont think alcoholism is a disease,but that they may get sick from anything like that ,scares them daft.
I had to remember that most if not all the time they believe delusionally or otherwise that they are Casa Nova's,
Take care of you
My now ExAH, he would do all same things,until I turned, "told him how nice that you have found a new girlfriend",another "you arent sleeping with me until you get a check up at sexually transmitted diseases clinic"(you should have seen his face)-they dont think alcoholism is a disease,but that they may get sick from anything like that ,scares them daft.
I had to remember that most if not all the time they believe delusionally or otherwise that they are Casa Nova's,
Take care of you
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You have decided to stay, yet again, so I would say that you have no choice but to accept his behavior whatever it is.
He is driving the car, you are sitting in the back seat trying to be a back seat driver. That never works, as he is in control.
If you keep this grilling up, you will drive yourself nuts.
Accept what you cannot change and try to let go. Work on you!
He is driving the car, you are sitting in the back seat trying to be a back seat driver. That never works, as he is in control.
If you keep this grilling up, you will drive yourself nuts.
Accept what you cannot change and try to let go. Work on you!
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Originally Posted by akrasia 
But the weirdest thing about all this is how he's making a point of throwing it in your face. How do you know about the glass of wine? The package comments and the three-some conversations? He's made a point of telling it all to you--probably to hurt you, or to make a point of how interchangeable women are, or just to get you to leave.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by tjp613
Among the myriad of problems *I* see with this scenario, the most troublesome is the way he dismisses and invalidates your feelings about it. This can make one feel pretty crazy and extremely frustrated when you are sitting there (basically) saying, "This is totally unacceptable behavior. I feel disrespected. I feel that our marriage is unimportant to you." He doesn't acknowledge ANY of that but instead (basically) says, "Oh, that's just crazy!! You SHOULDN'T feel that way!"
Thanks - I needed to hear this. That's exactly what he's been doing for the past 15 years. Invalidating my feelings.
I guess I just wonder how other people deal with invalidated feelings. Do they find a way around it so it doesn't creep into their core and become a part of who they are?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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" I sometimes believe that some women are so desperate that they'll do anything to dispel their loneliness and it's very sad to see. If they only knew ... "
I took this a little out of context - YOU know, he has shown you who he is, dont be the desperate woman doing anything to dispel your lonliness. You said he has overstepped your boundaries time and time again. Those arent boundaries then.
Why would you stay? You deserve so much better.
I took this a little out of context - YOU know, he has shown you who he is, dont be the desperate woman doing anything to dispel your lonliness. You said he has overstepped your boundaries time and time again. Those arent boundaries then.
Why would you stay? You deserve so much better.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by dollydo
You have decided to stay, yet again, so I would say that you have no choice but to accept his behavior whatever it is.
He is driving the car, you are sitting in the back seat trying to be a back seat driver. That never works, as he is in control.
If you keep this grilling up, you will drive yourself nuts.
Accept what you cannot change and try to let go. Work on you!
He is driving the car, you are sitting in the back seat trying to be a back seat driver. That never works, as he is in control.
If you keep this grilling up, you will drive yourself nuts.
Accept what you cannot change and try to let go. Work on you!
Someone who doesn't want to lose 'what they have' does NOT start a relationship like that when their partner's mother is dying, and take it to the next level after she has died and their partner is still grieving. I'm beginning to wonder if anyone truly cares about anyone else's feelings. I mean - this woman knows my mother just passed. What is SHE doing with my partner anyway? Consoling him? Like he cared ... like she does ...
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Originally Posted by Leaping
" I sometimes believe that some women are so desperate that they'll do anything to dispel their loneliness and it's very sad to see. If they only knew ... "
I took this a little out of context - YOU know, he has shown you who he is, dont be the desperate woman doing anything to dispel your lonliness. You said he has overstepped your boundaries time and time again. Those arent boundaries then.
Why would you stay? You deserve so much better.
I took this a little out of context - YOU know, he has shown you who he is, dont be the desperate woman doing anything to dispel your lonliness. You said he has overstepped your boundaries time and time again. Those arent boundaries then.
Why would you stay? You deserve so much better.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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If he doesn't want you questioning his relationship with this other woman, he shouldn't be having this relationship with another woman. You can't blame it all on her. She is what she is. Your husband, on the other hand, is YOUR husband and you have every right to try to get to the bottom of this. Even if all he did was have a glass of wine, he had absolutely no business going to her home and doing that. He isn't being completely honest with you, and even if he were, you are not wrong to feel the way you do about it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Trust is the foundation to any relationship.
No trust = no relationship.
I am sorry to hear what you are living.
His actions are unacceptable, and very immature.
Physical looks have never been a requirement to have sex.
He sounds like a "player" to me. Protect yourself. I would be concerned about STD'S.
Time to start taking better care of you.
Some people are just morally bankrupt. To blame his bad actions on alcoholism is denial. Some people are just creeps, with or without alcohol........
May you find the strength to get YOU to a better place..........
No trust = no relationship.
I am sorry to hear what you are living.
His actions are unacceptable, and very immature.
Physical looks have never been a requirement to have sex.
He sounds like a "player" to me. Protect yourself. I would be concerned about STD'S.
Time to start taking better care of you.
Some people are just morally bankrupt. To blame his bad actions on alcoholism is denial. Some people are just creeps, with or without alcohol........
May you find the strength to get YOU to a better place..........
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I think he's pretty much asking you for an open relationship and living his life as if he has carte blanche to carry this out. This is what is working for him and protecting his alcoholism.
He is showing you who he is. "Charming" is a description many of us can say about our A's. This is a common characteristic among them. But after that, what is there?
I believe he is wanting an open relationship, and it's your decision whether you want that too, or not.
He is showing you who he is. "Charming" is a description many of us can say about our A's. This is a common characteristic among them. But after that, what is there?
I believe he is wanting an open relationship, and it's your decision whether you want that too, or not.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
It is nice to run things through with people who can understand the situation and have lived with alcoholism.
At the end of the day, the only question to be answered is "Will you accept this?"
You don't have to answer this minute, this day or even this week, but at sometime a decision will have to be made. And not actively making a decision either way, is deciding to accept it.
At the end of the day, the only question to be answered is "Will you accept this?"
You don't have to answer this minute, this day or even this week, but at sometime a decision will have to be made. And not actively making a decision either way, is deciding to accept it.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
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Am looking at all the mails on this topic,and I'm having a smile ! I know my recovery is working,
My nick-name in living with ExAH,was called GOG!,dont know why I called it that,just knew in his world it was called GOG! and it certainly wasnt the life I lived in.
What I put up with was truly amazing, crazy,abusive, stuff,
My nick-name in living with ExAH,was called GOG!,dont know why I called it that,just knew in his world it was called GOG! and it certainly wasnt the life I lived in.
What I put up with was truly amazing, crazy,abusive, stuff,
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
My boundaries are based on the time that I grew up. 'Third parties' (parents' affairs) ruined my childhood, and I don't believe open relationships work. I'd like to believe in 'Big Love', but I don't think we're wired that way. This is a man whose parents have been together for over 50 years, yet they constantly bicker. Since intimacy to me is based on trust and loyalty, I no longer feel intimate with him. My biggest issue is that I feel too old and worn out to start over and I've never felt so alone since my mother passed. I'm just trying to find a way to accept this behavior so that I don't have to make huge decisions I don't know that I'll ever be ready for. Sad ... isn't it?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
It's often said around here that we teach people how to treat us. If we allow them to treat us like crap, that's how they'll treat us. If you believe you deserve better (and you DO), then you have to make sure they know it, too. If you accept his affairs and lies simply because you don't want to make the hard decisions, then you have already made your decision.
I hope you'll find a way to stand up for yourself. Living alone (which I do and LOVE) is better than living with someone to so totally disrespects you.
I hope you'll find a way to stand up for yourself. Living alone (which I do and LOVE) is better than living with someone to so totally disrespects you.
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