Boundaries Need Help
Boundaries Need Help 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Good thread!
Boundaries in general are very hard for me. I had very few when I was with my xah. I'm not sure I had any when push came to shove. I ended it with all or nothing. "I will not be married to you if you drink." After all that time I'm not sure if that was a boundary or a 'get out of jail free' card. It was definately a good boundary for me but I think I was not perceiving it as a boundary so much as a way to give myself permission to leave. That is not very admirable but does show the lack of personal boundaries I had at the time.
I still have trouble with boundaries and need to work on them. Initially I had a very hard time even identifying some. Now I kind of know what some are but I still feel a lot of anxiety and almost a sense of panic when a boundary is being breached. I still find myself letting things go to avoid that feeling and/or not upset someone. To work through that I have to remind myself to figure out what is theirs and what is mine. Their feelings, consequences, thoughts are theirs. I don't have to own them, be responsible for them, or change them. It is easier said then done I'm finding out. I can do it in an all or nothing relationship but still struggle in the middle ground.
Boundaries in general are very hard for me. I had very few when I was with my xah. I'm not sure I had any when push came to shove. I ended it with all or nothing. "I will not be married to you if you drink." After all that time I'm not sure if that was a boundary or a 'get out of jail free' card. It was definately a good boundary for me but I think I was not perceiving it as a boundary so much as a way to give myself permission to leave. That is not very admirable but does show the lack of personal boundaries I had at the time.
I still have trouble with boundaries and need to work on them. Initially I had a very hard time even identifying some. Now I kind of know what some are but I still feel a lot of anxiety and almost a sense of panic when a boundary is being breached. I still find myself letting things go to avoid that feeling and/or not upset someone. To work through that I have to remind myself to figure out what is theirs and what is mine. Their feelings, consequences, thoughts are theirs. I don't have to own them, be responsible for them, or change them. It is easier said then done I'm finding out. I can do it in an all or nothing relationship but still struggle in the middle ground.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Boundaries are for yourself not for your A.
Boundaries usually begin with "I will" and do not even have to be told to anyone else. For example " I will remove myself from the scene if someone's drinking is bothering me.".
Rules and ultimatums go something like " If you don't stop drinking then I will leave you!".
Rules are about control, boundaries are for personal safety or serenity. I can choose not to put up with what I consider unacceptable behavior.
Since I have move out my boundaries are rather flexible and I play it by ear. If something bothers me I can choose to leave or take some other positive actions to insure my mental harmony.
I hope this helps. Rules and boundaries can be rather confusing.
Your friend,
Boundaries usually begin with "I will" and do not even have to be told to anyone else. For example " I will remove myself from the scene if someone's drinking is bothering me.".
Rules and ultimatums go something like " If you don't stop drinking then I will leave you!".
Rules are about control, boundaries are for personal safety or serenity. I can choose not to put up with what I consider unacceptable behavior.
Since I have move out my boundaries are rather flexible and I play it by ear. If something bothers me I can choose to leave or take some other positive actions to insure my mental harmony.
I hope this helps. Rules and boundaries can be rather confusing.
Your friend,
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
What did not work for me:
Telling my AH that I did not want to be around him when he had been drinking more than a few beers. I thought that meant: I don't want to be near you when you are slurring your words, angry and/or beyond buzzed.
The problem with that boundary was: 1 - he always denied he had more than 2 beers. 2 - he hid his drinking. 3 - he interpretted this to mean he needed to stay away from home if he intended to drink more than 2 beers AND DRIVE HOME AFTERWARDS.
It was exhausting.
Telling my AH that I did not want to be around him when he had been drinking more than a few beers. I thought that meant: I don't want to be near you when you are slurring your words, angry and/or beyond buzzed.
The problem with that boundary was: 1 - he always denied he had more than 2 beers. 2 - he hid his drinking. 3 - he interpretted this to mean he needed to stay away from home if he intended to drink more than 2 beers AND DRIVE HOME AFTERWARDS.
It was exhausting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 46
I know that boundaries are for ME... i am looking for ideas of boundaries that are successful and not a waste of time.
Pelican: This was one that i was going to set also... which in the back of my head i knew would backfire on me. He would hide the drinking, not come home or lie.
Pelican: This was one that i was going to set also... which in the back of my head i knew would backfire on me. He would hide the drinking, not come home or lie.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I don't have an xAH, but I do have an A stepson.....
Examples for me are:
"If you speak to me in an abusive manner, you will be asked to leave or I will leave."
"If I feel threatened by you, I will leave."
"If your behavior leads me to believe that you have been drinking, drugging, you will be asked to leave or I will leave."
Just a start, but I hope that it helps.
HG
Examples for me are:
"If you speak to me in an abusive manner, you will be asked to leave or I will leave."
"If I feel threatened by you, I will leave."
"If your behavior leads me to believe that you have been drinking, drugging, you will be asked to leave or I will leave."
Just a start, but I hope that it helps.
HG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I really struggled with boundaries, and still do.
What really helped was understanding they were for me. I struggled for a long time threatening that if a situation ever "looked" like one before I would leave. It took me a long time to realize that they did not all "look" the same, but they were often driven by alcohol use and my response to it. Once I made that switch I did better.
One for me early on was "I will keep myself safe and will have a safe way to arrive and leave from social events at all times." I always drove myself after that point.
I also was able to come up with "I will leave the situation if I am spoken to with cursing, yelling or verbal abuse."
This was not a boundary per say, but I started to get better when I started to realize I had a right to feelings in the relationship also...that I mattered, that I was important. Learning to express that was hard but it was when boundaries started to work and kick in for me.
What really helped was understanding they were for me. I struggled for a long time threatening that if a situation ever "looked" like one before I would leave. It took me a long time to realize that they did not all "look" the same, but they were often driven by alcohol use and my response to it. Once I made that switch I did better.
One for me early on was "I will keep myself safe and will have a safe way to arrive and leave from social events at all times." I always drove myself after that point.
I also was able to come up with "I will leave the situation if I am spoken to with cursing, yelling or verbal abuse."
This was not a boundary per say, but I started to get better when I started to realize I had a right to feelings in the relationship also...that I mattered, that I was important. Learning to express that was hard but it was when boundaries started to work and kick in for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Maybe start with an ideal of how you expect to be treated by anyone and then whittle it down to the minimum behavior you would accept from anyone.
For example, using liferecovery's examples above:
I expect to be treated with respect. Boundary: I will not stick around and allow others to be disrespectful toward me. I will leave first.
I expect to live life in a safe and healthy manner. Boundary: I will not get in a car with anyone I suspect to be drinking.
That's how clarifying my boundaries works for me - backwards from expectations.
With my STBX - I think boundaries are subjective but the big ones are above.
For example, using liferecovery's examples above:
I expect to be treated with respect. Boundary: I will not stick around and allow others to be disrespectful toward me. I will leave first.
I expect to live life in a safe and healthy manner. Boundary: I will not get in a car with anyone I suspect to be drinking.
That's how clarifying my boundaries works for me - backwards from expectations.
With my STBX - I think boundaries are subjective but the big ones are above.
Last edited by Tuffgirl; 10-17-2011 at 04:47 PM. Reason: added more!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 46
So we sat down tonight and talked. I went over that I was going to set boundaries.
He then said well if you are going to set boundaries then I will set some also.
How immature I thought but I said just do what you need to do.
He then said well if you are going to set boundaries then I will set some also.
How immature I thought but I said just do what you need to do.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I would love to hear what his "boundaries"? were.
When I had said this to my ex, his boundaries were things like he would leave me if I did not allow him to cuddle up in bed next to be like I was "his teddy bear".
When I had said this to my ex, his boundaries were things like he would leave me if I did not allow him to cuddle up in bed next to be like I was "his teddy bear".
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