mak4784

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post and I know on some forums that is sometimes viewed with skepticism, but I quite honestly just don't know where else to turn. Hopefully someone here will have some advice for me. Although I think I know the answer and may just not want to admit it to myself.

For the last several years I dated my current girlfriend casually, on and off. She has struggled with addiction to opiates the entire time I've known her. As a result I was hesitant to get seriously involved. With regard to drugs and addiction her and I are polar opposites. I've never used drugs, don't drink and have very little experience with anyone who has.

All that said, she's always been really wonderful to me. Finally, about 3 months ago she called me out of the blue telling me that she just left rehab and was finally serious about recovery. We started talking and spending time together and got pretty serious very quickly.

She was living with her mother who has a whole host of issue, including addictions of her own. Long story short, she couldn't continue to live there. It was impossible for her to stay out of trouble. She started spending more time with me and it got to the point where it made logistical sense for her to just move in. I felt better knowing she was safe, and she felt better having a comfortable place to live (which she happened to be at almost every night anyway).

Almost immediately upon her moving in the problems started. She is prescribed Suboxone and sees her doctor and counselor regularly. She is also, sadly, not very good at making decisions or using good judgement in who she associates with. The first week she was here she had her meds stolen when she went out with some friends--or so I'm told.

The next time she got refilled, she decided that it would be ok to share some with another friend who is also an addict because she was prescribed more than she needed. Then when hers turned up missing again, she was out of luck.

Needless to say, every time she runs out, she turns to me to help her pay to get them off the street. I told her the only way we could continue being together was for me to hold them in a safe place for her as she obviously couldn't handle them herself--constantly insisting on having her entire supply on her at all times.

Ok, this seemed like a good solution. Unfortunately it wasn't. Every time she refilled, I got guilt tripped about being controlling and possessive etc. I heard some song and dance about how she doesn't feel secure unless she has them. Like a fool I would of course give in, let her have them and she would proceed to do something stupid and "lose" them again.

Now for the last couple of weeks, after spending thousands of dollars being a sucker, I have refused to break down. The meds have been secure and she has had them exactly when she needs them, no problem right? Wrong. Now she constantly mopes around the house or disappears for days on end with her friends--who only hang around her to get her meds.

Today she tells me she wants them all because she wants to move out and be independent. She has no job, no car and no prospects. She obviously wants to sell them, which is what I suspect has been going on all along.

My dilemma is this: I'm fine with her leaving. I've been miserable and broke the entire time, but I can't escape the guilt of knowing that if I just hand everything over she will most certainly return to her old ways. Despite the problems, she means the world to me and it breaks my heart to think of her in those situations again.

I think I just need to walk away, at least I do for me, but I know what happens to her if I do. I know if I turn to my family or friends they will agree with me because they will be instantly judgmental of her. I'm hoping someone here with some experience can either reassure me or even give me some advice on how to keep it from happening.

I'm at a loss, I can't take the lies anymore--at least I think they're lies--it's impossible for me to even know.

**My apologies, it looks like I posted in the wrong place**

bozboz

You are right, they are lies. Lies to you, lies to herself, and really it is just the drugs talking. I will not sugar coat it, you already seem to be on the ball. I did this to my ex-boyfriend, and I continued to do so until he couldn't take anymore, and stepped out of my life. Not his fault, MINE. You have tried to do what you can, the rest is up to her. You are doing the best thing. You have to look out for #1. You.

bozboz

P.S. Happy you posted.

MTSlideAddict

Hello and Welcome.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is hard to watch someone that you love go down such a destructive path. Unfortunately, you have no control as to whether or not she returns to her ways. No matter what you do, or how you try to control, you have no barring as to the path she goes down. My advice would be to step back (I know this is difficult), and allow her to pursue the life she is choosing to live. If you get entangled in her web of lies you will lose sight of yourself and make yourself crazy.

Keep posting here. We are here for you.

dollydo

Welcome, you are in the right place.

She is an addict, she is doing what addicts do, and, she is responsible for herself, you are not. Addicts are master manipulators and all are liers. What she does with her life is her choice, if she sells all her dope, that is her choice...yet you do not have to have a
front row seat to her insanity.

You have a choice, go down with the ship or jump in the lifeboat and row to the shore.

If it were me, I'd save myself, there is no future with her.

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum, keep posting, it will help.

mak4784

Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate it.

It's clear she has no interest in doing the right things, and you're all right, I can't stop her. I really hope she shapes up at some point, but I have a pretty good life, I can't have her destroying it.

mak4784

Ugh...So it continues...

Don't worry, I'm not caving in on anything, at least trying my best not to.

So, she says she plans to move in with her mother--this was on Sunday (it's now Wednesday). Now for the last few days she's been saying her mom is out of town and she has no place to go until she comes back. She's been playing suzy homemaker and being all smily and nice to me the whole time.

Now tonight she disappears and I know what she's up to. She still says she's moving in with her Mom, and I told her she needs to come get her stuff and go, or I'll drop her off. I told her she could stay until her mom got back as long as she didn't get into trouble and stress me out.

Now though, it appears she isn't going to go willingly. She keeps stalling on coming back for her stuff. She knows I'm working almost nonstop the next week or so. I'm really worried that she's plotting with one of her scummy friends to pull something when I'm not here...am I just being paranoid? As much as she's done wrong by me I really hate to think that of her but I keep reading that sticky about "What Addicts Do" and I can't escape the possibility.

BobbyJ

OMG...I hear so much pain, confussion, in your post..Makes me sad for you

Im not gonna sugar coat my thoughts at all....

1. She is an addict. She will steal from you. She will destroy you. She will
lie to you. She will manlipulate you. She will cheat on you. She will take
your money. She will use your home. She will take advantage of you.
She will make you go broke. She will make you sad. She will make you cry.
She will make you confussed. She will steal your money.
She will take away your mind. She will abuse
your soul. She will make you feel paranoid. She will destroy you.

Damn, I could on with the list....

She is an addict, My xhusband is an alcoholic

He did the same to me. So I do understand.

My best advice for you tonight is: Get it thru your head...SHE IS AN ADDICT
AND SHE IS NO DIFFERENT THAN THE REST OF THEM!!!!

Deep down Im sure she is a great person, but you are NOT dealing with her.
You are dealing with a drug addict.....2 different people

YOU can not help her...The more you try to help, that is called enabling..
That actually makes it worse for them, helps them in the moment, but its
like your actually handing the junkie the needle...Think of it that way...

Buying, swapping, trading RX drugs....is a FEDERAL offense...Just in case you didnt
know...Wanna go to sit in prison on the count of her addiction..
You need to get the hell away from that crap.......LIKE NOW!!

Take care of yourself or your gonna be nuttier than she is.....

And ask yourself: Do I really love the addict or Do I love the person she use to be?
Do I really know a "sober" side of her?

Remember: Their minds get sick, brain cells die...That's medical facts!!

Sounds like you need to find out who you are, why do you love someone like that
why do you think you can fix her, why are you afraid of letting her go, is it control?
are you afraid of being lonely, go deep in your soul and find these answers!!

Did I ever think my husband of 16 yrs of marriage would
of stole money from me?.....Todays Answer: YES, HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC

Did I fix him, cure him, control him? NO

Did I let go of him and his diesase and learn to take care of me? YES

Did he lose his family, friends, marriage, children, home, business? YES

Is he sober and working a program? NO

Do I believe a word he says? NO

Do I trust him? NO


Im gonna stop. But I could write to you all night long.

Hopefully, you get some sleep and wake up tomorrow

and look in the mirror & scream "HELL YEAH..I love myself and Im outta of here"

Find a Alanon class, they are free.
Look on the web, Im sure there is one in your area.
It's the best "FREE" thing you can do for yourself!

Keep posting on here, it will really help you to know, YOUR NOT ALONE!!!

And your not crazy, like she probably has told you...lol

Go find yourself a single healthy hot chick!...just an idea...lol (no charge on that advice) lol...giggle, giggle...

BobbyJ

P.S -
Pack up her stuff and sit it outside or dump it off at her mothers.
Change your locks
Alert your neighbors whats going on and have them help watch your place
Lock up your credit cards, checks, check book, jewelry, guns or anything
of value. Even your vehicle keys.

Protect yourself, like you dont even know her, just like she was a really bad stranger

Pray, that she will get sober....Pray, that you dont get in her way of finding her bottom
to getting sober...Your a human, not a lifesaver...Stay out of her way. Protect yourself!!

Leaping

I agree with BobbyJ, do all those things and do them today.

Also you sound like a really nice person, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt lie, manipulate or con you! You deserve happiness and a healthy partner who gives back to you.

RUN as far as you can. But change the locks first.

posiesperson

mak,

Welcome, glad you found this forum.

Try for a minute to set your heartbreak aside and do what your inner voice is telling you: that she and a "friend" may try to pull something while you're working. Trust it. And you know what? If you're wrong, and in a year you discover that she was the best thing that ever happened to you, then in the future you can always give her a key to the new lockset.

In the meantime, consider that intuition a "memo from the Universe." You have nothing to lose by changing the locks, and much to lose if you do not.

Oh, and for me, I found that it helped to know that I could keep loving my ex but not the disease of alcoholism, which caused all kinds of bizarre behavior and destruction. I went no contact, and now, almost 2 years later, I am happy, grateful, and involved in a healthy relationship. Alanon made all the difference for me.

Again, welcome, and know that you're not alone. We get it.

posie

blwninthewind

Oh my. This sounds very much like a parent child relationship.
She can't be trusted to make good judgements, keep track of her meds or hang with sober friends....what is she like....13?

Seriously you can't parent her.

Your doing her more harm than good by bailing her out whenever she runs into a problem. I just read the other day... I'll paraphrase 'give her the dignity of allowing her to run her own life"....Cyranoak said it I believe. You need to do that.
She's a big girl.
She needs to figure this out herself.
Everyone else manages to take care of themselves...why can't she?
You my friend may very much want to look up your local Al-anon. It will help you figure out why you want to save her so badly and how to save yourself.

mak4784

Thanks again for everybody's kind replies.

After posting last night I went out and bought new locks. As I got home from the store she called, I took her and her stuff to a friend's house where she will be staying.

At this point, in all honesty, there is no heartbreak. I'm glad she's gone. It'll take some adjustment, but I'll get back to normal just like I have after other relationships went south. No big deal for me.

In response to some of you who asked why I might love a girl like this...Well, I've known her for some time. We never seriously dated until recently, but I've known her when she was clean and sober, and the person she is when she's like that is truly incredible.

It's hard for me to understand her actions. I'm not an addict, not an alcoholic and I'm a relatively successful and well adjusted human being. I think things out using logic and reason, so to me, I saw the situation she was in and figured she would naturally want to be in a better environment than she was in and thus would have an easier time with her recovery--which at the time I thought was a serious effort that was being thwarted by an inability to avoid certain people.

I was obviously totally wrong, fortunately I caught on quickly, before I did something more permanent with her. Maybe I'm just pumping myself up to avoid the emotions surrounding all of it, but I'll take it if it works.

Thanks again to everyone for their support, it really is very much appreciated.

Tuffgirl

Good for you - mak.

As a non addict - it really is hard to understand what to me doesn't make any sense. I tend to use words like irrational, illogical, crazy, etc. but in reality is it someone being driven by an addiction. And that just plain old sucks to watch.

You did the right thing. Hang in there!
~T