court mandated mediation

Old 10-19-2011, 12:34 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
court mandated mediation

Tomorrow is my court mandated mediation date with the STBX"R"H. We sent him the settlement proposal last week to see if he would sign and avoid traveling down here to meet (he is in VA, I am in AL). He has spent the last four days sending me a barrage of abusive texts dictating terms and what he thinks is "fair". My favorite? Quoting the code of ethics and telling me I am "ethically obligated" to settle with him without the involvement of my attorney. He has not hired an attorney because he is one and thinks he is smarter than everyone anyway.

His texts are abusive and his ranting illogical and it is all I can do to maintain my focus and see this through. Thank goodness he is not here living locally or showing up at our house. I am physically sick to my stomach and have no appetite.

Just wanted to vent. I hate this disease and the mess it has made of my life but I am trying to see out of it. Thanks for listening.
Leaping is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Leaping For This Useful Post:
fedup3 (10-20-2011), m1k3 (10-19-2011), posiesperson (10-20-2011), worriedwife2 (10-20-2011)
Old 10-19-2011, 12:41 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I'll keep you in my thoughts tomorrow. I hope that the court mandated mediation will be quick and simple and not a circus with AH manipulating and doing what A's do best.... hang in there-- it's almost over it sounds like!
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
Leaping (10-19-2011)
Old 10-19-2011, 01:02 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
Seren's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,614
Blog Entries: 8
Save the texts! They may be quite useful in the future, I'm sorry to say.

I hope that it goes well and peacefully during mediation.........
Seren is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Seren For This Useful Post:
fedup3 (10-20-2011), Leaping (10-19-2011), outtolunch (10-19-2011), posiesperson (10-20-2011)
Old 10-19-2011, 01:43 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
lillamy's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,523
Court-ordered mediation when you're not married? I don't get that.
Either way -- I hope he is as pleasant in the court room as he's been in his texts...
lillamy is offline  
Old 10-19-2011, 01:58 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
We are married, Alabama requires a mediation before a divorce case can go to trial. If he doesnt show then we will get a trial date for November or December and I can not afford to pay an attorney through that length of time. He is all bluster and being a bully but hopefully he will realize that it will not go well for him to stand in front of a judge and explain his actions over the past 6 months.

Thanks for the kind words, and support - this is incredibly hard after a 20 year (mostly good) marriage.
Leaping is offline  
Old 10-19-2011, 02:54 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
jayscott's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
FWIW -- I went through one of these required mediation sessions before a court date to discuss temporary custody orders with my STBXAW. I can only speak for my experience, but it was very clear to the mediator VERY quickly what the situation was. I think most experienced family court mediators have seen more than their fair share of quacking.
jayscott is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to jayscott For This Useful Post:
fedup3 (10-20-2011), Leaping (10-19-2011), posiesperson (10-20-2011), Thumper (10-20-2011), tjp613 (10-19-2011), wicked (10-19-2011)
Old 10-19-2011, 04:59 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KY
Posts: 38
My mediation date is Nov 1st! I too receive terrible text messages, well that was until I blocked him. He isn't man enough to call me or come over so now it is just mean emails. But at least I decide when i will read those!

Hope things went wel for you! I just keep saying I have been through the worst when he lived here and was drinking / peeing, puking in my house - now he lives at this parents and drinks, pees and pukes over there! I have made it this far, so only good things left to come!! I have faith!
BenRadBel is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to BenRadBel For This Useful Post:
posiesperson (10-20-2011)
Old 10-20-2011, 05:35 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
BenRedBel - thank you for reminding about the peeing/puking in the house. Amazing how quickly things like that can be forgotten. Flashback to him peeing in the hallway at 2am and denying he was doing it as it happened. Then slipping in it and walking back to bed to go to sleep leaving me to clean up. I cleaned up because I have children who would have to walk down the hallway to the bathroom. BUT I left the wet towels in the bed with him so he got to wake up in the morning and deal with them. Good times!

Cant wait until this is all over and I can live a normal life -
Leaping is offline  
Old 10-20-2011, 05:46 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
posiesperson's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566

I'm sending you good thoughts. It sounds like you're doing a great job with a challenging situation. I like what was said about saving the texts, they could be valuable as you move forward.

It strikes me how narcissistic your STBX sounds: ...doesn't need an attorney because he is one, and thinks he's smarter than everyone else...

I know that narcissism is a part of alcoholism but geez, it's a challenge to deal with.

Hang in there~
posiesperson is offline  
Old 10-20-2011, 05:54 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Coastal VA
Posts: 50
I feel your pain. I've never been married, engaged twice, and have a 15yr old and 4yr old with them respectively. I've been through mediation with each one to settle custody issues, and I'm currently in a heated custody battle with my last one for custody of my 4yr old. It's funny when I quit the "party" scene my last one and I just couldn't find any common ground. She's still binge drinking on weekends, and loves her lifestyle. I hope her fall from grace is softer than mine was. On the mediation issues don't sweat it. You might find it quite therapeutic if you have a GOOD mediator. Those folks deal with this everyday, and have a great ******** meter. A proper mediator will not let your X manipulate the conversation or run the show. They have a way of being on the side of what's ethical/proper, and that's hardly the side most of us addicts. Let us know how it goes, and keep your chin up it gets easier.
Mersault is offline  
Old 10-20-2011, 06:14 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Aegian's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 174
LOL! Sorry, but an attorney claiming you are "ethically obligated" to negotiate with an attorney without consulting one of your own - well, that just cracked me up this morning.

Is there any way that you can log into the website of your phone provider and access a copy of your texts online? That would make it loads easier to print a copy. If you can't find that on their site, call them and ask?

I hope your nerves steady. Definitely want to get something to eat. The meeting is going to be stressful enough knowing at least one person in the room is going to be arguing for argument sake (trademark of many attorneys who just need to 'win' at all costs) - don't deprive yourself of nutrients going into this. That will just compound the mental stress with physical. Maybe some chamomile tea to relax the mind so you can eat?
Aegian is offline  
Old 10-20-2011, 08:36 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
Thank you everyone!
@posie - yes he is incredibly narcissistic and very very intelligent. At his first 90 day treatment center they told me he would be difficult to treat because of the grandiose personality and the sense of entitlement. Ironically, it made him a good lawyer.

@aegian happy to entertain, I will be here all day . My morning post from him: "ethically, only you can agree to a settlement, its required by the code of ethics" and then how stupid I am for not knowing that. My attorney had the same laugh you did when I told him that. I will look into printing the texts, my inbox is 90% full and it is all from him.

He didnt show for the mediation so we have a trial date in late November.

Leaping is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Leaping For This Useful Post:
fedup3 (10-20-2011), nodaybut2day (10-21-2011), wanttobehealthy (10-20-2011)
Old 10-20-2011, 10:02 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
lillamy's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,523
Sorry, I don't know why I thought there was a B instead of an H in there -- sleep deprivation, probably.

I understand the thinking behind mandatory mediation -- if you can solve things there and not have to clog up the court system with things that can be solved with mediation, that's a good thing. But I really think there ought to be an exception when there is addiction involved.

I hope it all goes well. I have one of those grandiose personalities in my past, too (AXH) and they're a PITA to deal with. The GOOD thing about them is that they usually think they're much smarter than you are... even when that's far from true.
lillamy is offline  
Old 10-20-2011, 10:54 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
Ethics?? You HAVE an attorney and he is trying to pressure you OUTSIDE of the attorney being involved??? And HE IS an attorney, who should know better?
Wow. Just wow.
searchbug is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to searchbug For This Useful Post:
Leaping (10-20-2011)
Old 10-20-2011, 12:28 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Blog Entries: 3
What an :*******:

"ethically obligated"!!!! LMAO!!

I don't think so, Tim!

I would rethink this if I were you. He is a lawyer. You deserve to be on the same playing field....bring yours.
It's only "FAIR".
blwninthewind is offline  
Old 10-20-2011, 01:49 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Carol Star's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Blog Entries: 2
Here in Va. lawyers cost when there is alot of back and forth. Save the texts ! He will still probably be responsible for 1/2 the bill. It would be cheaper if he signed a fair settlement 50/50 and you could avoid a trial.
Carol Star is offline  
Old 10-20-2011, 03:11 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
CarolStar so true! My attorney is $250 an hour and I have spent all of the retainer so every conversation now, every email ect is on the clock....which is why trial is such a PITA because of the time involved with depositions, ect. It would actually be easier if he would hire his own attorney because then they (the two attorneys) could talk things over. But this is where the narcissism kicks in - when my AH was fired from his law firm he told me he was fired because he was the best attorney they had and he was settling cases too easily costing them revenue in court fees. HA! I still laugh at that quackery!

AS long as he gives me sole custody the rest is just fluff to work out -
Leaping is offline  
Old 10-20-2011, 03:44 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
suki44883's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 32,106
I was able to get my attorney paid for by my ex. You can put that in the divorce decree. Since he's not planning on hiring an attorney, and since he is the one dragging this out by not bothering to be cooperative and show up for the mandated mediation, I would think there's a good chance he would have to pay your attorney's fees. Never hurts to try.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
laurie6781 (10-20-2011), StarCat (10-21-2011)
Old 10-20-2011, 04:33 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
brownhorse's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
Blog Entries: 1
TEXTS and obligations!! Mine actually told me he was taking the high road the other day because he made his car payment. Hasn't paid a dime for anything for the kids but he wants an award for person of the year because he made his own wait gave me the money and I made his car payment! I get the same kind of texts. I finally filed today after 2 days of his lawyer saying he was doing it. I get to start the games. He is going for joint custody. Hasn't drank in a year but stopped going to AA and is meaner than before. Does non-alcoholic beer count as drinking? Even said he needs a beer the other day. Well good luck!
brownhorse is offline  
Old 10-20-2011, 07:11 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
Thanks Suki, we will ask for him to pay but he is just now reemployed and a contract attorney so not sure of his ability to pay.

I really am grateful for all the kind words and support. So nice to know that there are others out there who can empathize
Leaping is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:09 AM.