two steps forward, one step back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 25
two steps forward, one step back
It's been about 2.5 weeks since my relationship ended, today I finally accepted that it wasn't me who caused the issues in the relationship and that my main problem was trying so hard to help him quit instead of putting my needs first and leaving. I got so mad when I wasn't enough to help him, but he has to want the help. Since this is kind of a book, I'm going to ask my main questions up front before I discuss my past week.
1-How do you stop falling for their lines? The empty promises and the fact they say exactly what you want to hear, blaming their behavior on being drunk and not holding them accountable.
2-Do you ever just stop caring/worrying? I know I need to focus on me and why I put up with guys who treat me bad but I still worry he's going to hurt himself and that he is wasting his life by valuing alcohol over pretty much everything else. I read Codependent No More and have worked at detaching but I get sad because I think he could be so much more then he is.
3-When you get in a relationship with a non-alcoholic is it difficult to adjust to a "normal" relationship without the rollercoaster ups and downs? Over the last six weeks of our relationship, which is when the drinking problem became visible to me, I was happy one minute, anxious the next, then sad, mad, depressed and I'm afraid I will have issues in a normal "boring" relationship.
4-Are there clues that someone has a drinking problem that can be somewhat easily observed early on when you meet them? I am so worried about ending up in a relationship with another alcoholic that when I went on a date this week and the guy drank 3 small margaritas and talked about playing drinking games the past weekend I immediately told myself that would be the only date.
Here's my steps forward/backward:
My ex drunk dialed me Friday night and I ignored it, Saturday night he called and I was expecting someone else so I answered without looking at the caller id. He asked me to pick him up or meet him at his place, I told him to call a cab because it was obvious he shouldn't drive. Half an hour later he shows up on my front porch completely wasted and in the mood to hookup, he was very complimentary.
I let him in and showed him to my guest room with the intent of going to my room, but when he pulled me into bed I just stayed there and fell asleep. The next morning he woke up and tried to make a move and I told him that I'm not going to be his friend with benefits. This was really hard for me because despite the fact he has verbally abused me while drunk, and it sounds like he probably cheated on me during our relationship, I am still physically attracted to him. I just have to remind myself what he did so that I can resist temptation because my head tells me one thing but my stupid heart/body want to go back to what is comfortable.
He apologized and took me to breakfast where we basically felt like a couple again, joking around and talking comfortably. He bragged about buying the whole bar a round of drinks and having a bar tab of over $200 for the night, told me the weekend before he had gotten so drunk he actually crapped his pants at the bar and had to leave (yes, he drove home), and this past Thursday night he went out and got crazy with his new "friends" who are a good 10-12 years younger then him and still in college so they are living the college partying lifestyle.
Based on his stories I would say that in the past two weeks he has gotten extremely drunk at least 5 out of 14 nights. I told him I was concerned about him, that he needs to start taking a cab instead of drinking and driving, and that he needs to leave me alone unless he gets his life together and quits drinking because I deserve better. He told me he likes the fact I still worry about him and that I'm good for him. Today I called my cell phone provider to get incoming/outgoing calls and texts blocked, I sent him an e-mail telling him that I need to cut off contact and that if he decides to sober up or if he needs support if he decides to quit then he can contact me via e-mail but right now showing up at my door and drunk dialing me are not acceptable because he can't use me anymore.
After two weeks things are getting better thanks to this board, a lot of reading, and spending time with my mom who told me that alcoholism actually runs in our family and her dad was an alcoholic. Her stories make me realize how hard/sad my life would have been if I had married my ex. I'm upset that yet another relationship failed but when I think about what my future would have been like with him I know in my head that it was the right choice.
1-How do you stop falling for their lines? The empty promises and the fact they say exactly what you want to hear, blaming their behavior on being drunk and not holding them accountable.
2-Do you ever just stop caring/worrying? I know I need to focus on me and why I put up with guys who treat me bad but I still worry he's going to hurt himself and that he is wasting his life by valuing alcohol over pretty much everything else. I read Codependent No More and have worked at detaching but I get sad because I think he could be so much more then he is.
3-When you get in a relationship with a non-alcoholic is it difficult to adjust to a "normal" relationship without the rollercoaster ups and downs? Over the last six weeks of our relationship, which is when the drinking problem became visible to me, I was happy one minute, anxious the next, then sad, mad, depressed and I'm afraid I will have issues in a normal "boring" relationship.
4-Are there clues that someone has a drinking problem that can be somewhat easily observed early on when you meet them? I am so worried about ending up in a relationship with another alcoholic that when I went on a date this week and the guy drank 3 small margaritas and talked about playing drinking games the past weekend I immediately told myself that would be the only date.
Here's my steps forward/backward:
My ex drunk dialed me Friday night and I ignored it, Saturday night he called and I was expecting someone else so I answered without looking at the caller id. He asked me to pick him up or meet him at his place, I told him to call a cab because it was obvious he shouldn't drive. Half an hour later he shows up on my front porch completely wasted and in the mood to hookup, he was very complimentary.
I let him in and showed him to my guest room with the intent of going to my room, but when he pulled me into bed I just stayed there and fell asleep. The next morning he woke up and tried to make a move and I told him that I'm not going to be his friend with benefits. This was really hard for me because despite the fact he has verbally abused me while drunk, and it sounds like he probably cheated on me during our relationship, I am still physically attracted to him. I just have to remind myself what he did so that I can resist temptation because my head tells me one thing but my stupid heart/body want to go back to what is comfortable.
He apologized and took me to breakfast where we basically felt like a couple again, joking around and talking comfortably. He bragged about buying the whole bar a round of drinks and having a bar tab of over $200 for the night, told me the weekend before he had gotten so drunk he actually crapped his pants at the bar and had to leave (yes, he drove home), and this past Thursday night he went out and got crazy with his new "friends" who are a good 10-12 years younger then him and still in college so they are living the college partying lifestyle.
Based on his stories I would say that in the past two weeks he has gotten extremely drunk at least 5 out of 14 nights. I told him I was concerned about him, that he needs to start taking a cab instead of drinking and driving, and that he needs to leave me alone unless he gets his life together and quits drinking because I deserve better. He told me he likes the fact I still worry about him and that I'm good for him. Today I called my cell phone provider to get incoming/outgoing calls and texts blocked, I sent him an e-mail telling him that I need to cut off contact and that if he decides to sober up or if he needs support if he decides to quit then he can contact me via e-mail but right now showing up at my door and drunk dialing me are not acceptable because he can't use me anymore.
After two weeks things are getting better thanks to this board, a lot of reading, and spending time with my mom who told me that alcoholism actually runs in our family and her dad was an alcoholic. Her stories make me realize how hard/sad my life would have been if I had married my ex. I'm upset that yet another relationship failed but when I think about what my future would have been like with him I know in my head that it was the right choice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Glad you are here, and proud of you for standing strong, sounds like you are on the right track.
I've given up worrying about my mom (alcoholic 40+ years) she does not care about herself or my dad or her kids or friends, she ignores her heart doctors dire warnings.
Best of luck to you.
I've given up worrying about my mom (alcoholic 40+ years) she does not care about herself or my dad or her kids or friends, she ignores her heart doctors dire warnings.
Best of luck to you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
The relationship did not fail, I like to remove the word "failure" from my vocabulary, everything is an experience, if you have learned its all that matters.
1 I went No contact with XABF and his friends and contacts and anyone who brought me bad memories or brought him up or ignored my hurt.
2 Yes you stop caring and worrying, let time do its job, and do your best to let him go, let the dreams go.. let your old self go.. I never thought I would although for me it took 2-3 years...
3 I get bored by healthy people but working on it. That is why I am single...
4 Yes there is a sticky about Red flags, I donīt have it handy but I can look for it... its a long list!
HUGS, it gets better, you'll see.
1 I went No contact with XABF and his friends and contacts and anyone who brought me bad memories or brought him up or ignored my hurt.
2 Yes you stop caring and worrying, let time do its job, and do your best to let him go, let the dreams go.. let your old self go.. I never thought I would although for me it took 2-3 years...
3 I get bored by healthy people but working on it. That is why I am single...
4 Yes there is a sticky about Red flags, I donīt have it handy but I can look for it... its a long list!
HUGS, it gets better, you'll see.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hhhmmm...my first thought in regards to your questions is a good place to start is staying completely away from the alcoholic and focusing your energy entirely on yourself, but it seems to be hard for you to do that right now. Sometimes, relationships ending can be a protracted process (kind of like the A's relapsing until they find complete sobriety).
All your questions you can answer yourself by educating yourself about alcoholism and intimacy (they do not go together). But (and feel free to correct me if I am way off base here) it seems the real underlying question is more related to what to do about him. You say you still worry about him. That's a big red flag to yourself that you are not over this relationship. So dating other people may not be a good idea right; as it just adds to the confusing emotions.
What will it take for you to let this guy go? That would be a great question to focus on. If you want a man in your life who does not treat you badly - the best place to start is with a clean slate and a clear head, then become the woman who would attract and be attracted to men like that.
All your questions you can answer yourself by educating yourself about alcoholism and intimacy (they do not go together). But (and feel free to correct me if I am way off base here) it seems the real underlying question is more related to what to do about him. You say you still worry about him. That's a big red flag to yourself that you are not over this relationship. So dating other people may not be a good idea right; as it just adds to the confusing emotions.
What will it take for you to let this guy go? That would be a great question to focus on. If you want a man in your life who does not treat you badly - the best place to start is with a clean slate and a clear head, then become the woman who would attract and be attracted to men like that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by wishingdreaming 
1-How do you stop falling for their lines? The empty promises and the fact they say exactly what you want to hear, blaming their behavior on being drunk and not holding them accountable.
Seems to me that a lot of us seek validation in all the wrong places and get into these relationships of hopeful fantasies.
Ignore words. Pay attention to the actions.
2-Do you ever just stop caring/worrying? I know I need to focus on me and why I put up with guys who treat me bad but I still worry he's going to hurt himself and that he is wasting his life by valuing alcohol over pretty much everything else.
He may or may not hurt himself and/or waste his life, regardless if you worry or not. Makes no sense to spend time worrying about what you do not control.
The more time I spend worrying about other people, the less time I have to focus on my own problems and do something about them. Rather convenient, eh.
I read Codependent No More and have worked at detaching but I get sad because I think he could be so much more then he is.
There's that darn hopeful fantasy, again.
3-When you get in a relationship with a non-alcoholic is it difficult to adjust to a "normal" relationship without the rollercoaster ups and downs? Over the last six weeks of our relationship, which is when the drinking problem became visible to me, I was happy one minute, anxious the next, then sad, mad, depressed and I'm afraid I will have issues in a normal "boring" relationship.
Seems you may have allowed what he does or not impact your emotional stability. Cycle could repeat itself unless you control the only thing you can, your reaction.
4-Are there clues that someone has a drinking problem that can be somewhat easily observed early on when you meet them? I am so worried about ending up in a relationship with another alcoholic that when I went on a date this week and the guy drank 3 small margaritas and talked about playing drinking games the past weekend I immediately told myself that would be the only date.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I like math. It makes sense. One equation, Him + Me + alcohol = alcoholism. Him + alcohol - Me = alcoholism.
Either way, he had his own recovery to work on, and I sure couldn't do it for him.
Remembering this:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it,
and You can't CURE it
also helped me a whole lot.
Have you tried attending Al-anon? The face-to-face support is such a help to a lot of us.
Either way, he had his own recovery to work on, and I sure couldn't do it for him.
Remembering this:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it,
and You can't CURE it
also helped me a whole lot.
Have you tried attending Al-anon? The face-to-face support is such a help to a lot of us.
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