I want her to fight for me
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I want her to fight for me
On Saturday night I was down in the Marina. In San Francisco, the Marina is a neighborhood bordered by ocean and sailboats. Its an upscale part of the city. On Friday and Saturday nights the prettiest girls go out here.
I was standing outside with a girl leaning into me. I told her: I am looking for a girl who wants to fight for me, that I embody what you want in a guy. She nodded and leaned her head into my chest. I got her number and she left with her friends.
I went out for breakfast on Union Street with my friends and we were talking about the night. I kept thinking about those words-- I want you to fight for me. She looked me in the eye and nodded. I can't remember being that expressive and forward before. Those are words I have definitely wanted to share with my ex.
When I woke up the next afternoon I called her. Since I had moved we barely talked. The call was short and I gave more than she did. She yawned and was uniquisitive. She said some things that were intentionally vague and I had to tell her to cut the **** and be real with me. It didn't feel good.
After the conversation was over I had felt perhaps I was too dominant with her. I know that I had expressed my judgmental side. The thoughts kept coming. Perhaps I was making life seem too good without her, maybe I was pushing her away. Rationalities and guilt for the actions I had taken sweeping up my feelings in a storm of doubts and fears.
On Monday I called her to smoothen things out but she never answered and she never called me back. To her I'm just not worth it.
So maybe I'll just leave things at that.
I was standing outside with a girl leaning into me. I told her: I am looking for a girl who wants to fight for me, that I embody what you want in a guy. She nodded and leaned her head into my chest. I got her number and she left with her friends.
I went out for breakfast on Union Street with my friends and we were talking about the night. I kept thinking about those words-- I want you to fight for me. She looked me in the eye and nodded. I can't remember being that expressive and forward before. Those are words I have definitely wanted to share with my ex.
When I woke up the next afternoon I called her. Since I had moved we barely talked. The call was short and I gave more than she did. She yawned and was uniquisitive. She said some things that were intentionally vague and I had to tell her to cut the **** and be real with me. It didn't feel good.
After the conversation was over I had felt perhaps I was too dominant with her. I know that I had expressed my judgmental side. The thoughts kept coming. Perhaps I was making life seem too good without her, maybe I was pushing her away. Rationalities and guilt for the actions I had taken sweeping up my feelings in a storm of doubts and fears.
On Monday I called her to smoothen things out but she never answered and she never called me back. To her I'm just not worth it.
So maybe I'll just leave things at that.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Rorty, are you still going to Al-Anon? It seems to me that you are projecting your issues with your ex onto the new girls you meet. Remember that needs and expectations are just future disappointments. I have found that I don't need anyone to make me complete. I am enough just as I am and if I have any holes to fill it is my job to fill them for myself with myself.
So, relax, take it easy on yourself and realize that when you meet someone for the first time your aren't making a commitment to anything other than meeting another person.
Your friend,
So, relax, take it easy on yourself and realize that when you meet someone for the first time your aren't making a commitment to anything other than meeting another person.
Your friend,
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi rorty!
You have to let your ex go. I had the same kind of "conversations" with XABF when it was over... I kept trying to contact the good friend he once was, but this person was gone and I had to accept it...
My humble opinion is, for you to be single for a while, so you can truly heal. I say this because I started going out with someone after XABF and he was also taking energy from me and behaving in a disrespectful way (only without alcohol) so I lost another year of my life...
As m1k3 says you are complete and worthy already just by being you. (I am learning this too... the need for positive feedback is guarantee of suffering)
Sending warm thoughts and hugs
PS Great page about Zen and living in the present moment: » The Amazing Power of Being Present :zenhabits
You have to let your ex go. I had the same kind of "conversations" with XABF when it was over... I kept trying to contact the good friend he once was, but this person was gone and I had to accept it...
My humble opinion is, for you to be single for a while, so you can truly heal. I say this because I started going out with someone after XABF and he was also taking energy from me and behaving in a disrespectful way (only without alcohol) so I lost another year of my life...
As m1k3 says you are complete and worthy already just by being you. (I am learning this too... the need for positive feedback is guarantee of suffering)
Sending warm thoughts and hugs
PS Great page about Zen and living in the present moment: » The Amazing Power of Being Present :zenhabits
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I've been there-- you think if you say the right words to the person you wanted to share your life with that "this time" you'll say it in a way that they'll "get it" and you'll get a reaction that makes it all okay.
Your ex is your ex for a reason. No matter how much you have to give, how much you want her to want to fight for you (and I wanted my AH to want to fight for me/us too for a really long time)... you can't MAKE a r/s work when you're the only one who wants it to.
My T tells me that calls like the one you made to your ex and all the thinking that followed it that is distressing you so much (and my heart does go out to you fully) is akin to me walking in front of a mack truck and expecting it to stop just bc I will it to.
I've walked in front of that same truck so many times and now finally am stepping to the side. You have to protect yourself and your feelings and it sounds like walking toward your ex (talking to her, thinking about what you wish things had been, trying to make new r/s be what she wasn't) is going to continue to harm you.
That's not what you want right?
Your ex is your ex for a reason. No matter how much you have to give, how much you want her to want to fight for you (and I wanted my AH to want to fight for me/us too for a really long time)... you can't MAKE a r/s work when you're the only one who wants it to.
My T tells me that calls like the one you made to your ex and all the thinking that followed it that is distressing you so much (and my heart does go out to you fully) is akin to me walking in front of a mack truck and expecting it to stop just bc I will it to.
I've walked in front of that same truck so many times and now finally am stepping to the side. You have to protect yourself and your feelings and it sounds like walking toward your ex (talking to her, thinking about what you wish things had been, trying to make new r/s be what she wasn't) is going to continue to harm you.
That's not what you want right?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I got the impression he was talking about his ex, in the context of meeting the new girl...but I am be interpreting it wrong...
Why would you want someone to "fight" for you?
Think I'd settle for someone being kind, honest, and authentic.
Why would you want someone to "fight" for you?
Think I'd settle for someone being kind, honest, and authentic.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
I got the impression he was talking about his ex, in the context of meeting the new girl...but I am be interpreting it wrong...
Why would you want someone to "fight" for you?
Think I'd settle for someone being kind, honest, and authentic.
Why would you want someone to "fight" for you?
Think I'd settle for someone being kind, honest, and authentic.
And step topic last night was 10, how timely.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When I woke up the next afternoon I called her. Since I had moved we barely talked. The call was short and I gave more than she did. She yawned and was uniquisitive. She said some things that were intentionally vague and I had to tell her to cut the **** and be real with me. It didn't feel good.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hey rorty, that may be too much to say to a girl you just met; try writing these things and saying them to yourself at first. But give it time, you've just gotten out of a painful relationship. See if you can work out your stuff with your ex girlfriend a bit on your own. Are you attending AlAnon?
When you are ready, the Marina Safeway is well known as a place where singles go to grocery shop....
When you are ready, the Marina Safeway is well known as a place where singles go to grocery shop....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Rorty,
When you said what you said, you meant it, right? Then, that's okay. No need to be hard on yourself. There must've been a reason you wanted to express that. Was it too early, too forward? Maybe. . . but honor yourself and why you felt the need to express what you did with this person at this time. . .
If you listen to yourself and others, the answers usually come. If she isn't responding or isn't calling you, she is probably telling you that she isn't interested. You don't have to read too much into anything, just accept what *is.* And you can go out and meet other people and express yourself how you feel you'd like to express yourself. You should be able to be you. And, you should get to know people who want to get to know you for who you are.
It's really about you, not about her. Honor who you are and who you are authentically. . . (If you are saying things that don't make you feel good, then, you probably don't want to say those things. But these are great life lessons we go through in getting to know our authentic selves). :-)
Having said that, how would you interact differently (or similarly) next time? How would you approach such a situation either differently or similarly?
When you said what you said, you meant it, right? Then, that's okay. No need to be hard on yourself. There must've been a reason you wanted to express that. Was it too early, too forward? Maybe. . . but honor yourself and why you felt the need to express what you did with this person at this time. . .
If you listen to yourself and others, the answers usually come. If she isn't responding or isn't calling you, she is probably telling you that she isn't interested. You don't have to read too much into anything, just accept what *is.* And you can go out and meet other people and express yourself how you feel you'd like to express yourself. You should be able to be you. And, you should get to know people who want to get to know you for who you are.
It's really about you, not about her. Honor who you are and who you are authentically. . . (If you are saying things that don't make you feel good, then, you probably don't want to say those things. But these are great life lessons we go through in getting to know our authentic selves). :-)
Having said that, how would you interact differently (or similarly) next time? How would you approach such a situation either differently or similarly?
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by rorty
So maybe I'll just leave things at that.
I really wanted my ex to fight for me. I told him repeatedly that if he didn't make changes he would lose me. I told him that if he wanted his family bad enough, he would fight for it. I kept thinking it would happen. The fact is, it just wasn't who he was. And further, in hindsight, I realize that if we were going to stay together, it was going to have to be ME who changed my expectations because I the only person whom I can control. In the end, I simply wasn't willing to do that any more than he was willing to change himself.
I am now with a man who does "fight" for me every day in ways that really matter...not in the the "I'm trying to salvage this relationship by responding to the crisis" kind of way. But in subtle ways that show me that every day is important to him. It's who he is. He just does it. I never had to tell him who to be. I didn't even have to tell him what I wanted. And a large part of that is because I have accepted that what I want in a person is MY problem, not someone else's.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Slightly confusing post-but I don't think Rorty would be telling the new girl to cut the ****! Either way all the advice is good, stay cool and let things happen in their own time.
Not easy I know, when you are hurting from a lost relationship.
Not easy I know, when you are hurting from a lost relationship.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Rorty, I read your last thread and this one and I gather you called your ex.
Your worth is not based on if your ex (or any woman) chooses a life with you or chooses a life without you. Your worth is right there inside you. It is a brilliant diamond waiting for you to shine it up. There is no fighting to be done, only work, and it is work that you must do yourself.
You ex is who she is and she has made her decisions. Every time your thoughts take you to the place where you want to either change her, or go back in time and change yourself or the situation, you are buring your diamond deeper. Uncover your self worth by continuing to work your way through the grief by looking to your future, and polishing that diamond within by discovering, cherishing, and holding dear, all the amazing things about yourself.
Your worth is not based on if your ex (or any woman) chooses a life with you or chooses a life without you. Your worth is right there inside you. It is a brilliant diamond waiting for you to shine it up. There is no fighting to be done, only work, and it is work that you must do yourself.
You ex is who she is and she has made her decisions. Every time your thoughts take you to the place where you want to either change her, or go back in time and change yourself or the situation, you are buring your diamond deeper. Uncover your self worth by continuing to work your way through the grief by looking to your future, and polishing that diamond within by discovering, cherishing, and holding dear, all the amazing things about yourself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by yorkiegirl
Rorty,
When you said what you said, you meant it, right? Then, that's okay. No need to be hard on yourself. There must've been a reason you wanted to express that. Was it too early, too forward? Maybe. . . but honor yourself and why you felt the need to express what you did with this person at this time. . .
If you listen to yourself and others, the answers usually come. If she isn't responding or isn't calling you, she is probably telling you that she isn't interested. You don't have to read too much into anything, just accept what *is.* And you can go out and meet other people and express yourself how you feel you'd like to express yourself. You should be able to be you. And, you should get to know people who want to get to know you for who you are.
It's really about you, not about her. Honor who you are and who you are authentically. . . (If you are saying things that don't make you feel good, then, you probably don't want to say those things. But these are great life lessons we go through in getting to know our authentic selves). :-)
When you said what you said, you meant it, right? Then, that's okay. No need to be hard on yourself. There must've been a reason you wanted to express that. Was it too early, too forward? Maybe. . . but honor yourself and why you felt the need to express what you did with this person at this time. . .
If you listen to yourself and others, the answers usually come. If she isn't responding or isn't calling you, she is probably telling you that she isn't interested. You don't have to read too much into anything, just accept what *is.* And you can go out and meet other people and express yourself how you feel you'd like to express yourself. You should be able to be you. And, you should get to know people who want to get to know you for who you are.
It's really about you, not about her. Honor who you are and who you are authentically. . . (If you are saying things that don't make you feel good, then, you probably don't want to say those things. But these are great life lessons we go through in getting to know our authentic selves). :-)
Thank you yorkiegirl, this helped me today. Thank you for making me understand self compassion a bit better.
In Zen they call that the "original face"... when we are free not to wear any mask, just be ourselves, feel accepted & loved. Nothing to say or do to get anything. Just... be. What a refreshing concept!
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