I'm going crazy!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 8
I'm going crazy!!!
As my AH sobers up and realizes what he's been doing the past four days we are stuck in the same argument. Which way do I go??!!!!
I left our home with our baby bc of the way he was behaving when he was drunk. I told him, now that he is sober and wants us back, that I will not go back until he has at least 2 months of sobriety under his belt ( I don't even know if that's enough). He agrees that he has a problem BUT he says he can only try to stay sober if I'm there with him.
I feel that if I go back he is just going to do what he always does. He is telling me it's just stubborness that is keeping me away. It's driving me crazy that he keeps telling me he can only stay sober if I go back home. Can alcoholics do it on their own or do they need someone there with them all the time?
I figure if he was really ready to give it all up then he should be strong enough to do it on his own. I'm not saying I'm abandoning him bc I wouldn't. I told him I would still be there for him and still stay married to him I just don't want to go back to living with him bc of this same cycle we always go through.
Can a marriage function like this, with an alcoholic who is trying to recover and a wife willing to help but not live in the same house???
I left our home with our baby bc of the way he was behaving when he was drunk. I told him, now that he is sober and wants us back, that I will not go back until he has at least 2 months of sobriety under his belt ( I don't even know if that's enough). He agrees that he has a problem BUT he says he can only try to stay sober if I'm there with him.
I feel that if I go back he is just going to do what he always does. He is telling me it's just stubborness that is keeping me away. It's driving me crazy that he keeps telling me he can only stay sober if I go back home. Can alcoholics do it on their own or do they need someone there with them all the time?
I figure if he was really ready to give it all up then he should be strong enough to do it on his own. I'm not saying I'm abandoning him bc I wouldn't. I told him I would still be there for him and still stay married to him I just don't want to go back to living with him bc of this same cycle we always go through.
Can a marriage function like this, with an alcoholic who is trying to recover and a wife willing to help but not live in the same house???
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Just remember if you go back now, you are giving him permission for his next binge. And yes there will be one. This is something he has to do for himself. Your living location has absolutely nothing to do with his recovery. Stay strong, and stay with your family. I support your decision 100%
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 73
I agree with Marie, If He truly wants to get better for him-self he can do that without you moving back with him, He is only telling you that for a guilt trip you will be trapped back in his web... As the old saying goes "Actions Speaks Louder Than Words" Many Hugs to you and I'm so sorry you & your child are going through this, but stick around here there is so much love and support from others here.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I heard it once said in an open AA meeting that if an alcoholic truly wanted sobriety they had to be willing to go to any lengths to achieve it. . . (even the same lengths they had gone to for drinking)
spouse - no spouse
job - no job
house - no house
family - no family
friends - no friends
sobriety had to be the first and utmost priority because without sobriety - there is nothing else
Just sharing what I heard from some folks with a lot of experience in dealing with this disease and the people that suffer from it and all their excuses ~ their words, not mine.
These "oldtimers" had a lot of years of sobriety thru a lot of rough times.
Please remember, it is ok to do what is healthy and best for YOU and your child.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
spouse - no spouse
job - no job
house - no house
family - no family
friends - no friends
sobriety had to be the first and utmost priority because without sobriety - there is nothing else
Just sharing what I heard from some folks with a lot of experience in dealing with this disease and the people that suffer from it and all their excuses ~ their words, not mine.
These "oldtimers" had a lot of years of sobriety thru a lot of rough times.
Please remember, it is ok to do what is healthy and best for YOU and your child.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is not in recovery, he will do this again and again.
Do you really think that it fair to your daughter to expose her to this toxic enviornment?
Honestly, I don't.
She has already inherited the gene to be predisposed to addiction. Children take their
childhood experiences into adulthood and suffer dearly because they have lived in a home with an alcoholic. I know, that is how I lived, it was hell and I still bear the scars today. In addition your hubby is verbally and physically abusive.
He is sick, he needs help, help that you cannot give him. Don't let him manipulate you, do whats right for your daughter.
Do you really think that it fair to your daughter to expose her to this toxic enviornment?
Honestly, I don't.
She has already inherited the gene to be predisposed to addiction. Children take their
childhood experiences into adulthood and suffer dearly because they have lived in a home with an alcoholic. I know, that is how I lived, it was hell and I still bear the scars today. In addition your hubby is verbally and physically abusive.
He is sick, he needs help, help that you cannot give him. Don't let him manipulate you, do whats right for your daughter.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
If nothing changes, nothing changes. If you go back, you will be back in the exact same situation you left. You deserve better and your daughter certainly does. He is attempting to manipulate you. You know this. When I was ready to get sober, I did it on my own. I checked myself into a detox center in the middle of the night and didn't discuss it with anyone. If your husband is serious about living a sober life, he'll do whatever is necessary whether you are there or not. The fact that he's saying he needs you there proves to me that he isn't willing to do whatever it takes to seek recovery. In other words, he isn't ready yet.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
If this is stubbornness, this is good stubbornness.
You are protecting yourself and your child from a man that scares you when he is drunk, who punches walls, yells at your family, dissappears for days, has to get a interlock on his car and this has gone on for at least 2 years.
When he is sober he says you provoke him and that you are stubborn and tells you to detach from your family. He is blaming the wrong person. This is manipulation. You DID NOT cause it.
You've cried and begged him to stop drinking for 2 years, and yet he is still doing it and now it's scaring you. He's saying he can't stop without you. This is manipulation. You CANNOT cure it.
He didn't / couldn't do it when you were around. This is for him to do with the people that can really help him, recovered alcoholics and professionals.
Stay scared and stay away.
Wishing you and your daughter the best.
You are protecting yourself and your child from a man that scares you when he is drunk, who punches walls, yells at your family, dissappears for days, has to get a interlock on his car and this has gone on for at least 2 years.
When he is sober he says you provoke him and that you are stubborn and tells you to detach from your family. He is blaming the wrong person. This is manipulation. You DID NOT cause it.
You've cried and begged him to stop drinking for 2 years, and yet he is still doing it and now it's scaring you. He's saying he can't stop without you. This is manipulation. You CANNOT cure it.
He didn't / couldn't do it when you were around. This is for him to do with the people that can really help him, recovered alcoholics and professionals.
Stay scared and stay away.
Wishing you and your daughter the best.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Well, as I said in your other thread.....
IMHO, if he really were digging into recovery, he would not pressure you and tell you that you have to be there with him to support him. He wants what he wants when he wants it. His concern does not seem to be with you or with the little one at all.
It is your decision to make. Hugs, HG
IMHO, if he really were digging into recovery, he would not pressure you and tell you that you have to be there with him to support him. He wants what he wants when he wants it. His concern does not seem to be with you or with the little one at all.
It is your decision to make. Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I left my AH of 23yrs about 4 months ago. I went no contact for about 8 weeks until my Ah contacted me wanting to chat. I thought about it for a while and then went along to see what he had to say for himself.
He was a bit of a mess, was shaky and lost a lot of weight.
He told me that he had reached his rock bottom and didnt want to loose me.
He DIDNT tell me that he wanted to stop drinking or could I move home to support him or that I would need to change myself for him to succeed or blame me for his drinking. He DIDNT say any of that.
He actually said that he had been to see his doctor and was taking medication for his anxiety and depression, that he had already been to see a therapist. He knew that he was an alcoholic and one drink wasn't enough for him and he needed to sort himself out, commit to long term sobriety and he just hoped that one day, if he showed me how badly he wanted to remain sober and how hard he would work at staying that way, then I may forgive him and take him back.
I had not one ounce of pressure on me to do anything at all.
If they want sobriety badly enough, they will let their actions speak louder than their words. They will take pride in wanting it for themselves and their family. I have not had one 'red flag' from my AH since he started on his road to recovery.
He was a bit of a mess, was shaky and lost a lot of weight.
He told me that he had reached his rock bottom and didnt want to loose me.
He DIDNT tell me that he wanted to stop drinking or could I move home to support him or that I would need to change myself for him to succeed or blame me for his drinking. He DIDNT say any of that.
He actually said that he had been to see his doctor and was taking medication for his anxiety and depression, that he had already been to see a therapist. He knew that he was an alcoholic and one drink wasn't enough for him and he needed to sort himself out, commit to long term sobriety and he just hoped that one day, if he showed me how badly he wanted to remain sober and how hard he would work at staying that way, then I may forgive him and take him back.
I had not one ounce of pressure on me to do anything at all.
If they want sobriety badly enough, they will let their actions speak louder than their words. They will take pride in wanting it for themselves and their family. I have not had one 'red flag' from my AH since he started on his road to recovery.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Originally Posted by Eight Ball 
I left my AH of 23yrs about 4 months ago. I went no contact for about 8 weeks until my Ah contacted me wanting to chat. I thought about it for a while and then went along to see what he had to say for himself.
He was a bit of a mess, was shaky and lost a lot of weight.
He told me that he had reached his rock bottom and didnt want to loose me.
He DIDNT tell me that he wanted to stop drinking or could I move home to support him or that I would need to change myself for him to succeed or blame me for his drinking. He DIDNT say any of that.
He actually said that he had been to see his doctor and was taking medication for his anxiety and depression, that he had already been to see a therapist. He knew that he was an alcoholic and one drink wasn't enough for him and he needed to sort himself out, commit to long term sobriety and he just hoped that one day, if he showed me how badly he wanted to remain sober and how hard he would work at staying that way, then I may forgive him and take him back.
I had not one ounce of pressure on me to do anything at all.
If they want sobriety badly enough, they will let their actions speak louder than their words. They will take pride in wanting it for themselves and their family. I have not had one 'red flag' from my AH since he started on his road to recovery.
He was a bit of a mess, was shaky and lost a lot of weight.
He told me that he had reached his rock bottom and didnt want to loose me.
He DIDNT tell me that he wanted to stop drinking or could I move home to support him or that I would need to change myself for him to succeed or blame me for his drinking. He DIDNT say any of that.
He actually said that he had been to see his doctor and was taking medication for his anxiety and depression, that he had already been to see a therapist. He knew that he was an alcoholic and one drink wasn't enough for him and he needed to sort himself out, commit to long term sobriety and he just hoped that one day, if he showed me how badly he wanted to remain sober and how hard he would work at staying that way, then I may forgive him and take him back.
I had not one ounce of pressure on me to do anything at all.
If they want sobriety badly enough, they will let their actions speak louder than their words. They will take pride in wanting it for themselves and their family. I have not had one 'red flag' from my AH since he started on his road to recovery.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
My XABF (alcoholic ex-boyfriend) used the same arguments to keep me hooked.
The thing is, if I bought into his "he needs me there to get sober," then any time he drank it became my fault.
I am not responsible for his drinking. If I were responsible, I'd be able to do something about it, and he would have quit a long time ago. He never quit, so nothing I do has any effect, so I am not responsible for his actions.
It's manipulation, plain and simple.
If he was serious, he'd be showing you with his actions, rather than spewing words at you.
Words are cheap, they don't mean anything.
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