Trying2Fly

I'm currently taking a break from my alcoholic sister, after an alcohol-fueled drama on mother's day in which her drinking took the focus off my mom's special day and basically ruined it.

But I still hear about her through my mom, and I've noticed this pattern with AS...whenever I set up the boundary of complete no-contact, something miraculous happens in alcoholic sister's life. And by miraculous, I mean....highly improbable. Delusions of grandeur. Past claims include meeting a very, VERY famous person by chance on the street and that famous person taking her out to dinner and putting her up in a hotel for a week (this was when she was nearly homeless).

This time, she claims that she is being flown all expenses paid to meet with a Hollywood agent for a week. I just don't buy it. It's like she tells these tall tales as a way to get me back in her life. But it also worries me.


It makes me worried for her in the sense that these tall tales seem indicative of something in addition to alcoholism (like a personality disorder or pathological lying). Past docs have mentioned she might be dealing with a personality disorder. She denies that it could be true.

So...I am wondering...how do you deal with these lies and with someone who lies so much? Half the time I don't know what to say because I don't know if what she's telling me is the truth or not. And it's not just these tall tales, it's lying about EVERYTHING (not just drinking). And the denial about the lying. It's beyond frustrating. But also worrisome, because shouldn't she be receiving some sort of treatment if she has an underlying personality disorder? I know it's not up to me to force her to seek treatment, but what if she is to the point that she is unaware that she needs mental health treatment?

Has anyone dealt with these types of lies?

Thanks to everyone for all that you share on here.

dollydo

No, not as you are explaining her lies. However, I have met some dandy liers. I believe that they actually do believe their lies.

My way of handling these seasoned liers is to believe nothing. I just nod or use the ever so favorite verbage "Really, hmmmm". Then I forget about it, eventually the real truth comes out.

The reason she lies? Who knows, and, really if you could determine why, what difference would it make? She is sick, many times addiction and mental illiness go hand in hand, what came first is anyones guess.

Trying to figure out why she is doing what she is doing is a waste of your time and energy, try to focus on you, she is an adult, she is responsible for her recovery, only she can do it.

I know you love her and want to help her, however, this is out of your hands.

Summerpeach

Pathalogical lying is a mental illness classifed as personality disorders.
There is no cure and people rarely recover.

My friends sister is a P. Liar and she would make up stories and believe them.
There is no point in gettng angry/mad at these folks, it would be like blaming someone with bi polar for being mentally ill.

It's such a sad illness and I am sure if given a choice, they would NOT chose to have this

Iwanttoheal

Yes I have dealt with a pathological liar. My mother is a co-dependent enabler who has never got well. My alcoholic father is dead and she has replaced him with my alcoholic brother, who is divorced. The most likely label for my mother is "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" - she reconstructs the truth into the most elaborate fantasies where she is a supreme being, deified member of society without whom things wouldn't function, fabulous wife, caring and loving mother - all of which are so far from the truth, it is untrue.

It is very, very disturbing when you see it in action and for years I have battered myself against her to try to make her see reality. It took the feet from under me when just recently, as in a couple of months ago, I realised that she actually truly believes her elaborately constructed lies. If you put a hole in her delusion, she will come back with a further construction that explains away the hole - very scary when you experience it.

Coping with it - I agree with dollydo - "Hmmnnnn, really" and move on.

Treatment is seen as notoriously difficult because the fabricator does not see themselves as having a problem - they see the problem as being with everyone else. The sad fact is that mental health services don't seem to step in until they ask for help or become a danger to society.

Duped

They will tell amazing lies, make up an entirely false reality, anything to take the attention off their problems/addiction/failings.

The lies get piled on top of the lies, their whole existence is a lie. No job? No career? No money? Been busted? Well, they figure out ways of blaming everyone else for those things, so naturally the lies need to be quite elaborate.

nodaybut2day

Whether your sister's disease is "only alcoholism" or if it is compounded by another mental health disorder, there really is nothing you can do to help her. I mean, sure you suggest she see someone, but she's not going to go unless she's convinced she needs to. Even having her committed won't change a thing if she believes there's not a thing wrong with her.

The best you can do is remind yourself regularly that everything coming out of her mouth, from "I bought gum" to "I'm being flown to Hollywood" is a fabrication, and detach.

FTR, my AH was/is a spectacular liar (oh the stories I gobbled down!), and nowadays, I'm guarded about everything he says. There's no other way to deal with him.

Trying2Fly

Thanks everyone. I feel sad more than anything else about my sister's life...sad for the loss of potential and her suffering. I know I can't do anything to help her, which is half of (my own) battle. It's just very sad.

Summerpeach

You can do something to help her, you can ask your HP to watch over her, help with a miracle (change of perception) and you can just be there for her.
These people are in a lot of pain.

Still Waters

As has already been said: Simply assume everything she says is a lie.

It is sad, but totally out of our control.

help4her

Much time has passed since you've posted this and I hope life for you and your sister is better. I am new here and am here to try to help my sister who has been a pathological liar since I can remember. I can now say with certainty that she is also an alcoholic, too. It is so sad and I love her dearly. I know how addictions work and how they take control of the brain. I am recently learning more about the brain chemistry of a pathological liar and I can assure you that this with alcoholism is very scary. I have known about the alcoholism for almost 2 years and have tried to help her understand that she needs help and to lean on me. She and her child lives with our mom. She is constantly browbeating my mom and has hit and pushed my mom. Most recently she hit my mom so hard she left bruses and marks. My mom is not only the classic enabler, but also the classic victim of abuse where she protects my sister. Please help me help them.

fedup3

Welcome help4her. I wish there was just that one word that would make things all better for all of you but it sounds like you know better. Would you and your mom be willing to go to Al-Anon? They will help and support the both of you. Read the stickies at the top of the page and keep coming back to SR, we're here for you. My first thought is how old is your sisters child? The child would be my first concern.

searchbug

My experience comes from having a daughter who is bipolar, and was dx'd as such when she was 13. There is a huge difference between personality disorder (thinking is twisted, but not from an organic illness) and real mental illness (an organic disorder which is treated with medication). Persons with mental illness ARE PRONE to delusional thinking. It differs from lies, in that they truly think it is happening.
Persons with either of the above are at huge risk of alcoholism. An alcoholic does not necessarily have a mental illness, and IF they go sober, they recover. Someone with personality disorders, can be treated. Someone with true mental illness needs medication, just the same as someone who is diabetic.
It is a huge challenge to sort them out. In a sense, I was lucky to have solid info to diagnose my daughter, since it was completely clear that drinking was not a factor.

Freedom1990

My AD's problems go far beyond addiction. She has mental health issues which she does get help for. As for the addictions, she will be the first to tell you she doesn't have a problem. Most everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. I think she is just wired that way. I gave up any hope for her years ago. Now that my granddaughter is being taken away from her, I am going no contact with AD.

doublewhammy

Oh, pick me, pick me, pick me.

According to my mother she has:


Been carjacked by a woman that was hiding out inside her car in the dark after work and then forced her to drive two towns away to the ghetto to drop her off. Then she claimed to be "worried about her" after wards.

She has had non-specific cancer that magically cleared up...that is when she forgot all about it.

She has had boyfriends that didn't exist (she is married to my father).

She has had boyfriends that did exist, ironically lied about those saying they did not exist.

She once came home with a dog and claimed a cop gave it to her and told her to find it's owner. There were multiple versions of this story, some that did make more sense than others, but the majority of the family got this version.

She claims she had scholarships to an art school and I ruined it for her when I was born, yet there was no art school or scholarship.

She in recent years has claimed she WENT away to said art school -- even had the nerve to tell her own parents this story even though she was pregnant with me at 19 and that obviously never happened.

She has gone out, purchased pink t-shirts, wrapped her leg in a knee brace and come home limping claiming she just participated in a Susan G. Komen race that didn't exist. The nearest one was in the next state over...and the following weekend. This happened on a Tuesday or Wednesday.

For years she claimed to be an avid cyclist. Her rickety old bike had been sitting with flat tires and spider webs on for at least 15 years - never once touched.

She told my high school friends in detail all about my wedding she didn't even attend.


Too hard to tell if this is from the drinking, or if she does suffer from some sort of mental illness. She's never been sober, so it's hard to know.
And, these are just the ones I remember off the top of my head.