Story of a Co-Dependent, No More
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7
Story of a Co-Dependent, No More
This story is about a 3 year relationship with a raging alcoholic and the effects it has had on me and her family.
I started to date my fiance 3 years ago. She was coming out of a year year abusive marriage and she clung to me life a drowning kid in a pool. We had a great time partying and just getting drunk about every night of the week. I lived in a condo on the beach and we really took advantage of the beach bars and the lifestyle.
After that first year, i began to settle down. Presently i'm 36 and she is 30. I started back to school to get my Masters Degree and she just continued to party like she did when we first met. I began to notice that her alcohol was becoming a problem. She just didn't have any self respect and it carried over into the relationship. I was always there for her. I put her to bed when she was passed out and i took care of her 4 year old child. I always drove when we went out so that she didnt have to worry about a DUI. Basically i had become her caretaker.
Recently i moved away to attend Law School. We were doing the long distance thing when we got engaged. With me being gone and her alone at the house, her self destructive behavior had just increased. She would go out till all hours at the bar. Wouldn't answer her phone or text messeges. She would get passed out drunk and she was just a hot mess. I warned her that the going out would be the end of us, and it was.
Last Thurs she went out and started drinking at 2pm. No one heard from her till 1030 the next day. She called me up crying and said that she is out of control and has a problem. She told me that she just cant be engaged anymore and need space. She said that she cant be in a co-dependent relationship with me anymore and that i smother her. She drove up and returned the ring. She said she just wants to travel (escape) and find herself. She said she needs this selfish time and is proud to say it like it is a good thing. She said that i was her rock and that she loves me so much much that it just doesnt feel right anymore.
She went on a 4 day drinking bender this past weekend. I have gone No Contact with her. She told me that she still wants to go on our planned trip to Ireland in March and that we are still best friends.
This break allowed me to re-evaluate our relationship and the lack of respect that she has always had for it. Basically, she pulled my man card, which for a 6'4'' 290 pound ex-college football player is very emasculating. By me not contacting her, i feel my power as a man return. I see that i dont need or want that type of person to be my wife. If she cant respect herslef, then how can she respect me. I set her limits for her, because she couldnt set her own. I dont need someone that cant set their own boundaries.
This is a new me. God blessed me and has opened my eyes. With out this break up i was going to marry someone that would lead me to divorce. At least now i can give her tuff love. I am going to show her that her actions have repercussions and that i wont always be here. If you disrespect me then im gone. The lesson learned is that i will have my own boundaries and if she crosses them, then i leave because id rather leave with my dignity and self respect then to just have her leave and pull my man card.
Like i said, we haven't spoken to each other in 3 days, which is a record for us in the past 3 years. I have pulled way back. She has been the one calling me on an almost daily basis, i think to keep me strung along or just for security reasons. She has been out drinking the past 4 days so im sure that her actions and me not being there hasnt set in yet.
Her co-worker called me last night and said that he spoke to her. He asked if she was alright, and she said that she was good, except for the break up with me. I told him she wanted space and selfish time to go party with her girlfriends on the beach, so i gave it to her. My hope is that by me not being here, it will motivate her to seek help and maybe in time we could start over?
Ill update this post as new info comes in. Any advice on going No Contact to get them to seek help? At this point i have accepted the fact that this relationship is done, and there is no way i could marry someone this messed up, but the only way i would work on it is in A.A. and on my terms.
Big Bear
I started to date my fiance 3 years ago. She was coming out of a year year abusive marriage and she clung to me life a drowning kid in a pool. We had a great time partying and just getting drunk about every night of the week. I lived in a condo on the beach and we really took advantage of the beach bars and the lifestyle.
After that first year, i began to settle down. Presently i'm 36 and she is 30. I started back to school to get my Masters Degree and she just continued to party like she did when we first met. I began to notice that her alcohol was becoming a problem. She just didn't have any self respect and it carried over into the relationship. I was always there for her. I put her to bed when she was passed out and i took care of her 4 year old child. I always drove when we went out so that she didnt have to worry about a DUI. Basically i had become her caretaker.
Recently i moved away to attend Law School. We were doing the long distance thing when we got engaged. With me being gone and her alone at the house, her self destructive behavior had just increased. She would go out till all hours at the bar. Wouldn't answer her phone or text messeges. She would get passed out drunk and she was just a hot mess. I warned her that the going out would be the end of us, and it was.
Last Thurs she went out and started drinking at 2pm. No one heard from her till 1030 the next day. She called me up crying and said that she is out of control and has a problem. She told me that she just cant be engaged anymore and need space. She said that she cant be in a co-dependent relationship with me anymore and that i smother her. She drove up and returned the ring. She said she just wants to travel (escape) and find herself. She said she needs this selfish time and is proud to say it like it is a good thing. She said that i was her rock and that she loves me so much much that it just doesnt feel right anymore.
She went on a 4 day drinking bender this past weekend. I have gone No Contact with her. She told me that she still wants to go on our planned trip to Ireland in March and that we are still best friends.
This break allowed me to re-evaluate our relationship and the lack of respect that she has always had for it. Basically, she pulled my man card, which for a 6'4'' 290 pound ex-college football player is very emasculating. By me not contacting her, i feel my power as a man return. I see that i dont need or want that type of person to be my wife. If she cant respect herslef, then how can she respect me. I set her limits for her, because she couldnt set her own. I dont need someone that cant set their own boundaries.
This is a new me. God blessed me and has opened my eyes. With out this break up i was going to marry someone that would lead me to divorce. At least now i can give her tuff love. I am going to show her that her actions have repercussions and that i wont always be here. If you disrespect me then im gone. The lesson learned is that i will have my own boundaries and if she crosses them, then i leave because id rather leave with my dignity and self respect then to just have her leave and pull my man card.
Like i said, we haven't spoken to each other in 3 days, which is a record for us in the past 3 years. I have pulled way back. She has been the one calling me on an almost daily basis, i think to keep me strung along or just for security reasons. She has been out drinking the past 4 days so im sure that her actions and me not being there hasnt set in yet.
Her co-worker called me last night and said that he spoke to her. He asked if she was alright, and she said that she was good, except for the break up with me. I told him she wanted space and selfish time to go party with her girlfriends on the beach, so i gave it to her. My hope is that by me not being here, it will motivate her to seek help and maybe in time we could start over?
Ill update this post as new info comes in. Any advice on going No Contact to get them to seek help? At this point i have accepted the fact that this relationship is done, and there is no way i could marry someone this messed up, but the only way i would work on it is in A.A. and on my terms.
Big Bear
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
Sounds like you have a handle on the situation. I must agree, this relationship will not work.
No contact is very important, it will allow you to heal.
She is an adult, it is up to her to seek recovery, I doubt that your not speaking to or seeing her is going to turn the table. She has to hit her bottom.
As for getting back with her, who knows, even if she hops on the recovery train I wouldn't consider taking her back until she had at least a year of soberity under her belt.
And keep in mind, there is no cure for this disease, it is only a matter of whether she is sober or not, relapse is common, even after years of abstaining. She will be in recovery all her life. This alone places alot of strain on a relationship.
We are here for you, keep posting, keep rewading around the forums.
Sounds like you have a handle on the situation. I must agree, this relationship will not work.
No contact is very important, it will allow you to heal.
She is an adult, it is up to her to seek recovery, I doubt that your not speaking to or seeing her is going to turn the table. She has to hit her bottom.
As for getting back with her, who knows, even if she hops on the recovery train I wouldn't consider taking her back until she had at least a year of soberity under her belt.
And keep in mind, there is no cure for this disease, it is only a matter of whether she is sober or not, relapse is common, even after years of abstaining. She will be in recovery all her life. This alone places alot of strain on a relationship.
We are here for you, keep posting, keep rewading around the forums.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I think Dr. Laura refers to this as the Rescuer syndrome. And it seems a lot of men out there can go full-bore into this without realizing it until its too late. Good for you for coming to this conclusion now, before marrying her and having to watch everything you dreamed and expected go down the drain (or should I say poured down her throat with a bottle of liquor?)
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Only she can help herself here - you've done all you could do for her. Go live the great life it sounds like you are seeking. There is someone out there waiting for you to share it with.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Only she can help herself here - you've done all you could do for her. Go live the great life it sounds like you are seeking. There is someone out there waiting for you to share it with.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I have to agree with all the above posts, you are handling it just fine. One thing to consider is that living 3 years with an active alcoholic can have a big impact on your mental health. You may want to consider giving Al-Anon a try.
For me it was a life saver. I got the tools and support I needed to clean up my issues of trying to deal with an alcoholic wife who was a serious alcoholic the last 10 years.
Keep reading and posting.
Oh, yeah, Welcome!
Your friend,
For me it was a life saver. I got the tools and support I needed to clean up my issues of trying to deal with an alcoholic wife who was a serious alcoholic the last 10 years.
Keep reading and posting.
Oh, yeah, Welcome!
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7
Thank you for your support. I will look up Rescuer Syndrome, it might give me more insight. I would like to try Al-Anon when my law school is in winter break. My father is a bad alcoholic too, so this whole event has been very introspective for me.
Thx- Big Bear
Thx- Big Bear
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I am sure this is difficult for you, but I would try to get some support, because if you want a happy marital life, I doubt it will be with this woman and you are still young enough to be able to find someone stable who can be a real partner in a marriage - or you can waste more years with a messed up alcoholic and have a life of trauma and drama . . . I hope you get support for yourself . . .maybe Alanon or therapy . . . Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7
Well she called today, as i expected. She basically made up an excuse to call by telling me that she didnt understand some legal jargon and wanted me to tell her about it.
We got around to talking about us and what's going on. She basically said that she has no interest in a relationship at all with anyone. She said that if she wants to drive to New Orleans for the weekend with some girl friends then she doesnt want to have to "check-in" with anyone. She claims that the break up was to claim her independence. She said she loves me and that we are best friends (Im her only friend), but she needs freedom to find herself. She told me if i watched the movie love,eat,pray maybe i would understand what she is going through.
Personally, i think that ever since i started calling her out on her self destructive behavior, she started to push me away. i think that she doesnt want someone to make her feel guilty for being at a bar till 3am, and then going to work at 7am.
So basically she just wants to be free to destruct and doesnt want to have someone getting onto her for doing it. So i will let her suffer for her actions, what more can i do?
We got around to talking about us and what's going on. She basically said that she has no interest in a relationship at all with anyone. She said that if she wants to drive to New Orleans for the weekend with some girl friends then she doesnt want to have to "check-in" with anyone. She claims that the break up was to claim her independence. She said she loves me and that we are best friends (Im her only friend), but she needs freedom to find herself. She told me if i watched the movie love,eat,pray maybe i would understand what she is going through.
Personally, i think that ever since i started calling her out on her self destructive behavior, she started to push me away. i think that she doesnt want someone to make her feel guilty for being at a bar till 3am, and then going to work at 7am.
So basically she just wants to be free to destruct and doesnt want to have someone getting onto her for doing it. So i will let her suffer for her actions, what more can i do?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
And who takes care of her little girl while she is in the bar till 3 a.m. or going to New Orleans with the girls? Not to mention being an irresponsible, intoxicated parent in general?
I am sorry for what you have lived thru with this woman, but if you do not know this today, you will one day soon, You dodged a bullet, you are the lucky one, but my heart goes out to her little girl............
And I agree with you regarding calling her out on her actions. Alkie's cannot deal with turmoil and conflict , they are only able to cause it........
I am sorry for what you have lived thru with this woman, but if you do not know this today, you will one day soon, You dodged a bullet, you are the lucky one, but my heart goes out to her little girl............
And I agree with you regarding calling her out on her actions. Alkie's cannot deal with turmoil and conflict , they are only able to cause it........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7
She only goes out and gets plastered when her ex husband has the kid. She told me that she was spining out of control and doesnt know why she feels that way. She said that she doesnt want a relationship she just wants to be free to have her "selfish" time to be able to go do what she wants.
I have accepted the fact that our relationship is over. I have already emotionally moved on. I never contact her, yet she calls me almost every day. So she wants her cake and to eat it too. So, I told her that from this point forward dont look to me to fix your mess ups, i said if you get a DUI then you can sit in jail till some other sucker bails you out. The sad part is that she is a cop. So she has already been let out of 3 DUI's in her life.
I never knew how bad the effects of alcohol were. This is truly a life altering drug. It has sucked the life and dreams out of her, and there is nothing anyone can do but sit back and watch her drown in a bottle of vodka.
I have dodged a bullet, i dont want this in a marriage, but i am the ONLY friend this girl has left. She literally has but a few friends and those are just drinking buddies. She doesnt have any friends longer than 4 years.
Is the escape feelings that she has related to the alcohol? All she wants to do is to travel, that is all she talks about and the reason why she said we broke up?
I have accepted the fact that our relationship is over. I have already emotionally moved on. I never contact her, yet she calls me almost every day. So she wants her cake and to eat it too. So, I told her that from this point forward dont look to me to fix your mess ups, i said if you get a DUI then you can sit in jail till some other sucker bails you out. The sad part is that she is a cop. So she has already been let out of 3 DUI's in her life.
I never knew how bad the effects of alcohol were. This is truly a life altering drug. It has sucked the life and dreams out of her, and there is nothing anyone can do but sit back and watch her drown in a bottle of vodka.
I have dodged a bullet, i dont want this in a marriage, but i am the ONLY friend this girl has left. She literally has but a few friends and those are just drinking buddies. She doesnt have any friends longer than 4 years.
Is the escape feelings that she has related to the alcohol? All she wants to do is to travel, that is all she talks about and the reason why she said we broke up?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7
She pays her own bills. No doubt that her career is in jeopardy, she knows it, but it's not my problem. If she gets fired then maybe that will bottom her out and she can get her self treatment. Short of that, she won't put the bottle down.
If she still moves here, she might be removed from her alcoholic friends but I'm sure that she will make new ones here.
Why can't I just hang up the phone and just walk away?
If she still moves here, she might be removed from her alcoholic friends but I'm sure that she will make new ones here.
Why can't I just hang up the phone and just walk away?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Bigbear, you will hang up the phone and walk away, when you are ready. I was having an internal dialogue going on in my head long before I said enough, I cannot do this for one more day.
Yes it hurts, but so did being with someone and feeling so completely alone. Talk about lonely planet. I no longer feel the emptiness that an active alcoholic brings to every single day.........
Peace is within your reach now......
Take care
Yes it hurts, but so did being with someone and feeling so completely alone. Talk about lonely planet. I no longer feel the emptiness that an active alcoholic brings to every single day.........
Peace is within your reach now......
Take care
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
I know exactly how you feel - after many years in a relationship w/ an alcoholic who at one point I would say was my best friend, I realized that our relationship was SO very destructive. There came a point, after many many incidents that made me realize how ill he was...and thought walking aways can be very hard, and we feel bad for them, we have to choose what is best for us. My counsleor likened it to putting something out of it's misery, and that is what my marriage was. Seems like you have your head on straight and know where you are going. Good luck to you...keep posting and good luck!
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