Next steps
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 46
Next steps
I went to my first Al-anon meeting on Saturday. After much anxiety and fear of the unknown I walked in and was greeted with open arms. I look forward to going back and working on myself.
I did tell my husband that i went to a meeting and he was very understanding about it, which i knew he would be.
My question is what are the next steps? I do not want to make him getting help the main focus of every conversation we have, but I do want him to know that I care and know that getting help could save our marriage.The other night we went out with a few friends and he drank soda the entire night. I was on edge though because kept thinking in the back of my head that he was sneaking drinks, which he swore he was not. He had one beer the entire night, which is a huge deal because usually he drinks a 6 pack in less than an hour.
I apologized for jumping the gun and accusing him of things that he was not doing.
What are my next steps? We also started going to church in the hopes to meet new people and get him away from the loser friends he grew up with.
I did tell my husband that i went to a meeting and he was very understanding about it, which i knew he would be.
My question is what are the next steps? I do not want to make him getting help the main focus of every conversation we have, but I do want him to know that I care and know that getting help could save our marriage.The other night we went out with a few friends and he drank soda the entire night. I was on edge though because kept thinking in the back of my head that he was sneaking drinks, which he swore he was not. He had one beer the entire night, which is a huge deal because usually he drinks a 6 pack in less than an hour.
I apologized for jumping the gun and accusing him of things that he was not doing.
What are my next steps? We also started going to church in the hopes to meet new people and get him away from the loser friends he grew up with.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I am glad that you are doing something for yourself.
As you continue in your own recovery from the effects of living with an alcoholic, you will find answers, one day at a time. Keep the focus on you, keep reading and posting and going to meetings.
That's all you can do. The rest is completely out of your hands. When your AH is ready to stop drinking and seek recovery, he will do so. Any efforts on your part until that time are fruitless. Try to let it go, and just focus on what feels right and good to YOU. It's not selfish, it's survival.
I used to be a total wreck worrying about whether or not my A was drinking, or sneaking, or lying, or everything. I have learned, and it took some time, that what he does or does not do does not matter. I matter, and I can be happy no matter what. And when I am supposed to know the answers, then I will know.
I am sorry if this seems confusing, but you are on the right path, and you are going to be just fine.
As you continue in your own recovery from the effects of living with an alcoholic, you will find answers, one day at a time. Keep the focus on you, keep reading and posting and going to meetings.
That's all you can do. The rest is completely out of your hands. When your AH is ready to stop drinking and seek recovery, he will do so. Any efforts on your part until that time are fruitless. Try to let it go, and just focus on what feels right and good to YOU. It's not selfish, it's survival.
I used to be a total wreck worrying about whether or not my A was drinking, or sneaking, or lying, or everything. I have learned, and it took some time, that what he does or does not do does not matter. I matter, and I can be happy no matter what. And when I am supposed to know the answers, then I will know.
I am sorry if this seems confusing, but you are on the right path, and you are going to be just fine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by seekingcalm 
I used to be a total wreck worrying about whether or not my A was drinking, or sneaking, or lying, or everything. I have learned, and it took some time, that what he does or does not do does not matter. I matter, and I can be happy no matter what. And when I am supposed to know the answers, then I will know.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Yes, allow yourself the feeling of relief of NOT counting drinks, or sniffing when he walks by or any of the other super sleuth things we do to see if they are drinking. I used to worry about that and I realized it had more to do with me than him. I needed to remember that I could not control it and in fact, knowing how much he drank was not affecting his behaviour and it was driving me nuts.
I found my active AH husband was nervous about Alanon. He does not and will not go to AA. He worried that we were sitting around and discussing our qualifiers. I took pains to describe to him what actually took place at Alanon meetings and that we talked about ourselves, not them. He was visibly relieved.
I found my active AH husband was nervous about Alanon. He does not and will not go to AA. He worried that we were sitting around and discussing our qualifiers. I took pains to describe to him what actually took place at Alanon meetings and that we talked about ourselves, not them. He was visibly relieved.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I feel judged and under the eye of everyone when we go out and he gets out of control.
I felt like you did and I decided to not go places with him and told him he was a lousy date. We isolated. Now, years later, I find myself regretful for letting some friendships fall away.
My girlfriend also had an active AH. He was loud and noisy and noticeably drunk quite often. She would ignore his behaviour and continue socializing at events. I would wonder how she could not die of embarassement. Later, I realized that what she did was let him be accountable for his behaviour and when she needed to ask for help, their friends understood why and were there for her. Some people stopped extending invitations to them as a couple, but largely, after her divorce, her friendships are still intact.
If I had a do-over, I would have kept up the socializing and let AH be responsible for his behaviour instead of hiding it behind closed doors. Now, it is lonely and hardly anyone believes he is an alcoholic.
Don't know if this helps, but I thought I'd share my experience.
I felt like you did and I decided to not go places with him and told him he was a lousy date. We isolated. Now, years later, I find myself regretful for letting some friendships fall away.
My girlfriend also had an active AH. He was loud and noisy and noticeably drunk quite often. She would ignore his behaviour and continue socializing at events. I would wonder how she could not die of embarassement. Later, I realized that what she did was let him be accountable for his behaviour and when she needed to ask for help, their friends understood why and were there for her. Some people stopped extending invitations to them as a couple, but largely, after her divorce, her friendships are still intact.
If I had a do-over, I would have kept up the socializing and let AH be responsible for his behaviour instead of hiding it behind closed doors. Now, it is lonely and hardly anyone believes he is an alcoholic.
Don't know if this helps, but I thought I'd share my experience.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your meetings are for you, for your recovery. Share what you feel that you need to,
however, I really don't feel that you need to share every little detail. Sometimes we woman suffer from verbal bulemia...we can't stop flappin our tongues.
His recovery is up to him, yours is up to you. No matter what he does, keep those
meetings up, embrace your recovery from codependency.
however, I really don't feel that you need to share every little detail. Sometimes we woman suffer from verbal bulemia...we can't stop flappin our tongues.
His recovery is up to him, yours is up to you. No matter what he does, keep those
meetings up, embrace your recovery from codependency.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Well, I suppose I did a lot of reading. I read from One Day at a Time in Al-Anon every morning. I still do.
I read from the AA Big Book on line. It helped me to understand about the disease of Alcoholism, and helped me to let go of any illusions I had about getting my A to stop drinking, or my being able to reason with him.
We talked about things at first. He knew I went to Al-Anon, and he supported it. He lied..about that and so much else. And until the day he stopped drinking and crawled into an AA meeting begging to do whatever it took, there was nothing to talk about. He went to 3 meetings a day for 90 days, and it still took more time, for him to think clearly, for him to be self-aware, for him to be honest with himself, and with me.
But I never stopped, and never will stop reading and posting, and finding happiness inside myself. Because I know there are no guarantees with another person, and Alcoholism is a terrible powerful disease. I try to stay in the moment as much as possible.
The things I have learned have helped me in all of my relationships, but most of all with the one I have with myself. I have let myself be free of the burden of other's choices, and other's actions. And if your family does not understand, then that is up to them and their Higher Power. You can only hold your head up and walk tall every day, knowing that you are doing the best YOU can. Your AH is NOT a reflection on you, that's ridiculous. Stay strong, learn as much as you can, take care of YOU.
Glad you are here
I read from the AA Big Book on line. It helped me to understand about the disease of Alcoholism, and helped me to let go of any illusions I had about getting my A to stop drinking, or my being able to reason with him.
We talked about things at first. He knew I went to Al-Anon, and he supported it. He lied..about that and so much else. And until the day he stopped drinking and crawled into an AA meeting begging to do whatever it took, there was nothing to talk about. He went to 3 meetings a day for 90 days, and it still took more time, for him to think clearly, for him to be self-aware, for him to be honest with himself, and with me.
But I never stopped, and never will stop reading and posting, and finding happiness inside myself. Because I know there are no guarantees with another person, and Alcoholism is a terrible powerful disease. I try to stay in the moment as much as possible.
The things I have learned have helped me in all of my relationships, but most of all with the one I have with myself. I have let myself be free of the burden of other's choices, and other's actions. And if your family does not understand, then that is up to them and their Higher Power. You can only hold your head up and walk tall every day, knowing that you are doing the best YOU can. Your AH is NOT a reflection on you, that's ridiculous. Stay strong, learn as much as you can, take care of YOU.
Glad you are here
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