transformyself

My AF sent me an email telling me how "hurt" he is by my postings on Facebook about religion.
He got Jesus a few years back. I am not an atheist, but have a serious aversion to evangelizing people-which he has become.

I was so confused and angry when I got the email. It really jacked me up for an hour or two. I made the mistake of responding once to defend myself, by saying "Dad I'm not a freaking atheist," but that encouraged him to send more emails that said, and here's the bizarre part, "I know it's popular up where you live to say these things."

My first reaction was to engage, to bring up all the most recent ways he's horrribly offended me, like telling my 10 year old son he looks like a meth head because he has long hair. He did the same thing with my son, said, "I know it's the cool thing to do where you live."

But I stopped writing back and deleted his emails and got back to work, which felt really good instead of going back to them and reading them over and over again trying to figure out what the hell he was saying and how I should respond. The whole thing took a good couple of hours out of my work day yesterday.

He said that to my son on the last day of our visit to his house this summer and I left right away, my family and I told him he was way out of line but I knew then he's still a real problem, he's not allowed to talk to my children that way and I have to seriously consider our boundaries with him.

Today I'm still trying to sort it out, but I think the best way to deal with him is to NOT deal with him, let it go, chalk it up to he's a giant douche bag and disengage.

I have thought about writing him with my boundaries. Like, "Dad when we are together, I will not say disparaging things about religion, and you will not say disparaging things to your grandchildren." but I think he will just deny it, or blame me or my kids and then do it anyway. We can't control or change these assholes.

Well thanks for the vent. Thankfully he lives far away so I don't have to worry too much about contact for now.

CatsPajamas

I hear you and I totally understand. I worked hard on my recovery, I separated myself from toxic people and I learned how to set boundaries. I did fine when it was about me, but BOY watch out when someone was messing with my kids! I would put on my supermom cape and throw myself directly into the path of whatever spew was headed their way. I felt it was my job to protect them not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well.

Honestly, I am not sure I ever figured out the "right" way to do it. What worked for me was to really limit their time with those same toxic people, to disengage and then NOT engage with those same people except when absolutely necessary.

And then, when my sons became young men, we talked about these things a lot - and then I had to get out of the way and let them make their own choices about who to let into their inner circles.

Good luck T. As I often say, this mom stuff ain't for weenies.

skippernlilg

I'm proud of you for disengaging. I'm a Christian, and I would not extend my beliefs on a friend or family member such as this, just to make 'me' more comfortable!!

His wasn't a 'boundary', but a set of rules for others to live by to make himself more comfortable. Your actions of not engaging help you form your boundary so that you and your boys may be peaceful. That's gonna be the goal 100% of the time for all of us, in my humble opinion.

akrasia

Good for you disengaging like that.

Could you block his email? If he has an emergency, he'll telephone. Un-friend him or at least "hide" him on facebook.

Willybluedog

Good for you, I used to argue my case until I was so upset it ruined the vist, my dad that crap during dinner one Thanksgiving, I got up from the table, announced that I have had enough and grabbed my daughter and her things, we kissed everyone and told them we loved them. My dad was backpedaling, my mom was crying, my daughter was confused (she was 3).

Mom and dad ran outside, mom begged me to stay, dad said "you don't have to go" I said "I will not visit this house or sit at your table until you treat me with the respect I deserve" I also told him "The extended family dinnertable was not the place to grade my parenting skills".

I left, about a week later I received a written apology and we have never had another incident like that in the 10 years since.

painterman

Quite right, why does he choose to question your views on religion? you don't question his-acceptance is the sign of a mature adult, stick to your guns.

transformyself

Thank you everyone, goodness thank you.

I've been on edge since this happened, it's really triggered a bunch for me. I'm so worried about my state, am seriously thinking about finding another. damn. therapist.

I'm going to yoga, working my program, but have any of you ACOA folks found you really really need additional work outside of the program? I'm mostly weary of being such a freak.

Maybe I should try ACOA again, but I'm thinking the best way would be more PTSD therapy. Last run with my EMDR therapist, we hit a snag and I had to stop going, both financially and emotionally. I guess you're suppose to be somewhat stable to start the EMDR.

The worst part is seeing myself in the way he acts. If that doesn't get me committed, nothing will..

transformyself

To be honest, he emailed me about a posting I put on Facebook, comparing religion in general to a penis. He was horribly offended, but the crux of it is is ok to have one and be proud of it, but please keep it to yourself and don't wave it around in public.

I think he's more concerned about what other people think than anything; like when he told my son he looked like a meth head.

I am so afraid of confrontation with him, he was an abusive jerk my whole life and I actually didn't speak to him for about 3 years because of it. Now he's married this new woman (wife # 5 or 6 I can't remember) and she really is loving, and very very kind, but he hasn't really changed. He said those things to my son after she left for the weekend. He just turned into his old self.

wellnowwhat

Small world! I saw on FB the same religion/penis posting today! I guess if it is viral your father will have lots of emails to send!

Willybluedog

Please know you are not a freak (at least not about what you have written so far-haha) and even if you were you are still a person who deserves to be loved and repsected.

Some people just cannot tolerate differences, and yet they are also too blind to see what makes us the same.

Take it for what it's worth, an avowed and committed Christian who has been married 5 or 6 times, and he feels so superior as fit to judge others.

Peace be with you.

transformyself

You know what sucks? I"m 47 years old and still triggered by, afraid of and angry with my father.

Jadmack25

Dear girl, I am not surprised at your anger and fear about your father as he comes across to me as a blind, bigoted and offensive twerp.
Frankly I don't believe for 1 moment that he "found" Jesus at all....or that daddy is a follower of Christ in any way. Jesus has never been "lost", whereas your dad is as lost now in his alcoholic ways as he probably ever has been.

Meeting Jesus face to face should be a big shock to this holier than thou pretender.

You leaving him to his small minded beliefs and keeping away from his poison is all you can do to save you and your kids from the hurt and abuse he spouts.

Bless you my dear, for being a wonderful mum and person, and my love to you.

transformyself

Oh Jadmack I'm so glad you see you! Thank you so much. How was your birthday? Did you dance and have cake?