No more.....29 years is enough!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 17
No more.....29 years is enough!
So I've finally stopped lurking! I popped in to say Thank You to so many of you that have told your stories, those who comfort you and those who help to show it's the disease, and we are powerless against it....you've help me so much! Like my title says, 2 days ago was our 29th Wedding Anniversary. 29 years being married to an active AH. Wish I knew on my Wedding Day, what I know know. I'll always love him, not as he is now, but for the man he could have been if it weren't for the disease. He's my soulmate, but the disease took that away.
I guess a little history....AH had 11 DUIs, 6 month in prison for DUIs, and 30 days rehab during the 1st 15 years of our marriage...really wish I would have learned more about being a codie back when he went through rehab. I've reran all that in my brain.....Anyways, fast forward another 15 years, AH has graduated from beer to beer with brandy, usually drunk by 2pm but as early as 9am at least 2 days a week, verbally and emotionally abusive by 5pm, (thankfully our son is grown up, married and out of the house) I'm working 12 hours a day trying to run our business by myself, not easy when he's yelling and screaming at me, not to mention I'm one of the only women in this kind of business because it is so labor intensive (my muscles scream at me every night) my mom and brother had to move in with us to help make the mortgage payments, just completed a chapter 13 BK, I'm sleeping in the spare bedroom....even though I pay all the bills, and the list goes on and on. Of course, no one would know that by looking at us. They think we are well off, big house, successful business.....
BUT, wish I could have made the word "BUT" bigger! I'm not hiding the laundry anymore. At 50 years of age, I am learning how to NO longer enable! Yesterday I took the keys away when he wanted to drive his truck (it's in my name) while drunk, Today he overdrew our personal banking account by writing a check from a closed money market account so he could have the cash.... so I went to the bank...paid the difference (had to) and closed the account....also removed him from my business bank account. AH no work, AH no money. I'm learning the skill of detachment (I love it) I no longer get baited into his arguments and blame games. I got a pair of ear plugs in my pocket all the time, AH starts quacking, in go the ear plugs...cause it just gets worse from then on out......I've put up my boundaries, I'm almost finished reading codependent no more (should be required reading in 10th, 11th and 12th grade), going to Al-anon meetings at my church, and lastly, I'm working on a plan to remove myself from AH and his disease. (he doesn't think he has a alcohol problem, I'm his problem, classic blame game)
I just want to say THANK YOU, Thank you. I couldn't have gotten to this point without everyone here.....even though you didn't know I was listening. I owe you all a ((((HUGE HUG))))
I especially love all your verses at the bottom of your posts. I've been copying them in Word and reading them when I need encouragement. Thank you.
I guess a little history....AH had 11 DUIs, 6 month in prison for DUIs, and 30 days rehab during the 1st 15 years of our marriage...really wish I would have learned more about being a codie back when he went through rehab. I've reran all that in my brain.....Anyways, fast forward another 15 years, AH has graduated from beer to beer with brandy, usually drunk by 2pm but as early as 9am at least 2 days a week, verbally and emotionally abusive by 5pm, (thankfully our son is grown up, married and out of the house) I'm working 12 hours a day trying to run our business by myself, not easy when he's yelling and screaming at me, not to mention I'm one of the only women in this kind of business because it is so labor intensive (my muscles scream at me every night) my mom and brother had to move in with us to help make the mortgage payments, just completed a chapter 13 BK, I'm sleeping in the spare bedroom....even though I pay all the bills, and the list goes on and on. Of course, no one would know that by looking at us. They think we are well off, big house, successful business.....
BUT, wish I could have made the word "BUT" bigger! I'm not hiding the laundry anymore. At 50 years of age, I am learning how to NO longer enable! Yesterday I took the keys away when he wanted to drive his truck (it's in my name) while drunk, Today he overdrew our personal banking account by writing a check from a closed money market account so he could have the cash.... so I went to the bank...paid the difference (had to) and closed the account....also removed him from my business bank account. AH no work, AH no money. I'm learning the skill of detachment (I love it) I no longer get baited into his arguments and blame games. I got a pair of ear plugs in my pocket all the time, AH starts quacking, in go the ear plugs...cause it just gets worse from then on out......I've put up my boundaries, I'm almost finished reading codependent no more (should be required reading in 10th, 11th and 12th grade), going to Al-anon meetings at my church, and lastly, I'm working on a plan to remove myself from AH and his disease. (he doesn't think he has a alcohol problem, I'm his problem, classic blame game)
I just want to say THANK YOU, Thank you. I couldn't have gotten to this point without everyone here.....even though you didn't know I was listening. I owe you all a ((((HUGE HUG))))
I especially love all your verses at the bottom of your posts. I've been copying them in Word and reading them when I need encouragement. Thank you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
It is powerful to me to read that while we are all trying to help ourself, we get to assist others in their healing too.
I believe I always get something of value when people share from the heart.
Thank you for showing in your post a good example to me of starting to take care of yourself. Next stop....who knows.
I believe I always get something of value when people share from the heart.
Thank you for showing in your post a good example to me of starting to take care of yourself. Next stop....who knows.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 9
most stories i read on here seem so close to my own, or even someone i know. whatever the case, i know that we are all connected in one way..... we are on here because we know that we have a problem and we would like to have support. most people with these problems haven't found the courage yet to ask for help. so here's a cheer for everyone on here. stay strong
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Glad you decided to post! 
I am also very grateful with SR, particularly for this forum, is so full of compassion and strength.
I'm almost finished reading codependent no more (should be required reading in 10th, 11th and 12th grade)
I agree 100%! I have not read it all though, thanks for the reminder.
I am glad you are making progress, you deserve joy, serenity and peace.
((HUGS))
I am also very grateful with SR, particularly for this forum, is so full of compassion and strength.I'm almost finished reading codependent no more (should be required reading in 10th, 11th and 12th grade)
I agree 100%! I have not read it all though, thanks for the reminder.
I am glad you are making progress, you deserve joy, serenity and peace.
((HUGS))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 17
Thank you everyone for your generous welcome! 11 DUIs, crazy I know, they happened over many years...and don't get me wrong, I love my husband, we had lots of good times, great times. But these are no more. Very rarely do I see the man that looked at me when we said our wedding vows. He had so much love in his eyes. I may be being selfish, I'm protecting me, my sanity. Sometimes a girl just has to do what a girl has to do, even if it's breaking her heart while she's doing it.
My plan does not include divorce only legal separation. I can't stand to watch him slowly killing himself but also not willing to give attorneys everything we worked for all these years. The disease will take him within the next 5 years. His mom was an alcoholic and kidney disease runs in his family. His skin is already turning yellow. To look at him, you would think he is 20 years older than I, but he’s actually 3 months younger. His face and stomach are bloated. I saw all this in his mom and also in a step-father (who also was an alcoholic) by the time they got to this stage, it was too late.
Tonight, AH was being quiet. Maybe his bottom is close…I pray it is so…..I had to detach….so bottom can come sooner. Helping my AH only extended the time before he reached bottom. I see that now. Detach with love… I get that now, if only I had done it sooner.
Please pray for us as I will for all of you.
“The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt” Thomas Merton
My plan does not include divorce only legal separation. I can't stand to watch him slowly killing himself but also not willing to give attorneys everything we worked for all these years. The disease will take him within the next 5 years. His mom was an alcoholic and kidney disease runs in his family. His skin is already turning yellow. To look at him, you would think he is 20 years older than I, but he’s actually 3 months younger. His face and stomach are bloated. I saw all this in his mom and also in a step-father (who also was an alcoholic) by the time they got to this stage, it was too late.
Tonight, AH was being quiet. Maybe his bottom is close…I pray it is so…..I had to detach….so bottom can come sooner. Helping my AH only extended the time before he reached bottom. I see that now. Detach with love… I get that now, if only I had done it sooner.
Please pray for us as I will for all of you.
“The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt” Thomas Merton
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I get what you wrote...
It's a crazy mad feeling to watch them self destruct...
I really get it...
Once you step back and truely detach, you will see how much you have
self destructed yourself, too..
It takes time, but when you really begin to recover and learn to love yourself
enough to say..."Im done" mentally and physically, and feel good about it,
the light does come on and you really get your eyes opened up wide, on how much they are really destructing. Way beyond our imaginations...Give yourself a couple of months, you will get what Im saying...
It's a crazy mad feeling to watch them self destruct...
I really get it...
Once you step back and truely detach, you will see how much you have
self destructed yourself, too..
It takes time, but when you really begin to recover and learn to love yourself
enough to say..."Im done" mentally and physically, and feel good about it,
the light does come on and you really get your eyes opened up wide, on how much they are really destructing. Way beyond our imaginations...Give yourself a couple of months, you will get what Im saying...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
When I think about what you said, I think "why don't we think we're good enough for better?"
I was with old college friends this past weekend. We get together every couple of years. One of these friends hosted an evening at her house. She gave a wonderful dinner for 16 people, her home is absolutely lovely, she talked about her five children and from that I gathered they are close (two of her kids are in business together), accomplished and well-adjusted. She's bright, funny, intelligent.
So I was shocked when we were talking the next day and she was saying how inadequate she feels because she was never a "working mom." I was like "?????!!!!!" in my head. I pretty much said that to her. Then I told her that there was no way I, a working female with time in corporate and now self-employed and quite successful, was about to invite her to my disorganized, need-of-updating home. I asked her if she had considered her success in mothering, nurturing, homemaking--all skills that I personally do not consider passe.
So, my final word to her was, "We all have head trips on why we aren't good enough." For her, she isn't good enough because she never worked. For me, I'm not good enough because I'm not good at paying attention to my home environment (I'm a lousy cook for instance).
I've often felt that I didn't deserve better than a guy who would put up with my failings because of his failings (two negatives equal a positive??), and I'd have to overcome my feelings of inadequacy to be comfortable with the decent guys.
Anyway, 29, thanks for posting. It's great to see someone motivated to move past the status quo.
I was with old college friends this past weekend. We get together every couple of years. One of these friends hosted an evening at her house. She gave a wonderful dinner for 16 people, her home is absolutely lovely, she talked about her five children and from that I gathered they are close (two of her kids are in business together), accomplished and well-adjusted. She's bright, funny, intelligent.
So I was shocked when we were talking the next day and she was saying how inadequate she feels because she was never a "working mom." I was like "?????!!!!!" in my head. I pretty much said that to her. Then I told her that there was no way I, a working female with time in corporate and now self-employed and quite successful, was about to invite her to my disorganized, need-of-updating home. I asked her if she had considered her success in mothering, nurturing, homemaking--all skills that I personally do not consider passe.
So, my final word to her was, "We all have head trips on why we aren't good enough." For her, she isn't good enough because she never worked. For me, I'm not good enough because I'm not good at paying attention to my home environment (I'm a lousy cook for instance).
I've often felt that I didn't deserve better than a guy who would put up with my failings because of his failings (two negatives equal a positive??), and I'd have to overcome my feelings of inadequacy to be comfortable with the decent guys.
Anyway, 29, thanks for posting. It's great to see someone motivated to move past the status quo.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 17
I get what you mean about "Why don't we think we are good enough for better" We are! I am! But I had so many dreams that I was afraid to give up that I forgot to think about me! Dreams of how my marriage would be (didn't happen) Dreams of how our business would be working with those I love (didn't happen) Dreams of how happy our home would be (didn't happen)....Was I part of the problem? I enabled, so yeah. Did I give up my dreams? yeah, I settled for less. Is my life over? NO! Can I make new dreams? HELL YEAH!
Today I called the cops on AH. 1st time ever. He was threatening to turn off some equipment for our business that must run or ruin all my work.....(AH was still fuming over me closing our joint bank account and removing him from the business account yesterday) So he climbs a ladder, almost falls off it, starts staggering around on the platform that is 20' above the ground....almost falls off it. Below is a bunch of metal that would have killed him or seriously injured him. I think I just did what anyone would do if they saw someones life in danger. Of course it is normally a very safe venture climbing up there, but not when you're smashed. I think this will the 1st of many calls, I ain't taking no more crap......
Last night was rereading parts of Codependent No More, Chapter 11. "Have a love affair with yourself". Growing up, I was taught to be the good wife, helpmate to my husband, yada, yada, yada....and I did those things, but it's never enough for an AH. This chapter is great! To honor ourselves...to be kind to ourselves...our wants, our needs, our desires, our DREAMS.
I guess it's teaching "me" to treat "me" as I treat everyone else. (Do unto others...) As a codie, I was always available to help with this or that, never say no even when I really needed to get more sleep, take care of my home, myself, etc. So many days of working 10 hours and then coming home to make AH dinner, clean the house, etc....while he sat on his a$$ watching TV. But as a recovering codie, I am learning that I have to give to myself 1st. Not in a selfish way, but I'm the only one who knows what I really want, need, desire, and DREAM.
BobbyJ, I'm beginning to see what you are talking about. The destruction is sooo much more, and in so many ways. Today, I also discovered things missing from our home, easy, small things to pawn or sell. I will also be guarding my purse and wallet from now on. He took my set of keys to his truck. I look forward to the day when I will finally have your kind of insight and be truely detached.
Today I called the cops on AH. 1st time ever. He was threatening to turn off some equipment for our business that must run or ruin all my work.....(AH was still fuming over me closing our joint bank account and removing him from the business account yesterday) So he climbs a ladder, almost falls off it, starts staggering around on the platform that is 20' above the ground....almost falls off it. Below is a bunch of metal that would have killed him or seriously injured him. I think I just did what anyone would do if they saw someones life in danger. Of course it is normally a very safe venture climbing up there, but not when you're smashed. I think this will the 1st of many calls, I ain't taking no more crap......
Last night was rereading parts of Codependent No More, Chapter 11. "Have a love affair with yourself". Growing up, I was taught to be the good wife, helpmate to my husband, yada, yada, yada....and I did those things, but it's never enough for an AH. This chapter is great! To honor ourselves...to be kind to ourselves...our wants, our needs, our desires, our DREAMS.
I guess it's teaching "me" to treat "me" as I treat everyone else. (Do unto others...) As a codie, I was always available to help with this or that, never say no even when I really needed to get more sleep, take care of my home, myself, etc. So many days of working 10 hours and then coming home to make AH dinner, clean the house, etc....while he sat on his a$$ watching TV. But as a recovering codie, I am learning that I have to give to myself 1st. Not in a selfish way, but I'm the only one who knows what I really want, need, desire, and DREAM.
BobbyJ, I'm beginning to see what you are talking about. The destruction is sooo much more, and in so many ways. Today, I also discovered things missing from our home, easy, small things to pawn or sell. I will also be guarding my purse and wallet from now on. He took my set of keys to his truck. I look forward to the day when I will finally have your kind of insight and be truely detached.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Dreams...Yes, they are hard to let go of
But now it's fun to create NEW ones, BIG ones, BOLD ones
Dreams that are sober and real.....
Living with an alcoholic, we are use to so many disappointments from them
Now, the only disappointments that I have, are the ones I cause
Much easier to live with
Just remember, it takes time...And lots of working your brain & heart!!!
So...What happen with the cops today? lol...Cant wait to hear this one!
But now it's fun to create NEW ones, BIG ones, BOLD ones
Dreams that are sober and real.....
Living with an alcoholic, we are use to so many disappointments from them
Now, the only disappointments that I have, are the ones I cause
Much easier to live with
Just remember, it takes time...And lots of working your brain & heart!!!
So...What happen with the cops today? lol...Cant wait to hear this one!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 17
Cops couldn't do anything...he's drunk on his own property (our home and business are on the same property) by the time the cops got here, he had came down the ladder. Is it considered enabling since I held the ladder? He kept asking the women cop why they were there. She says....for the 3rd time, then for the 4th time, we came to.....AH thinks they are there to see our business and tries to show them around. He made such an a$$ out of himself. Easy for him nowadays. He had a diving accident when he was 10years old and broke out his front 2 teeth. 2 weeks ago he broke his latest partial. So he's talking to the cops, stumbling around, repeating himself over and over, shirt hanging out, pants falling down (he's lost so much weight even a 30 waist needs a belt) no front teeth, so his words have a hiss added to the slur....and I'm just watching all this and thinking "This is what you are married to"
The cops stayed till I got my products loaded for a delivery today. After I left, the cops left. AH called me while I was driving, to let me know "I was going to pay for that one" (I don't think he would physically harm me, and if he did, I'd be calling the cops in a heart beat so they could lock him up for detox) Later, he called again, but it went to voicemail. So I now have a threat for proof, if I ever need one. Not sure what good it will do.
The cops stayed till I got my products loaded for a delivery today. After I left, the cops left. AH called me while I was driving, to let me know "I was going to pay for that one" (I don't think he would physically harm me, and if he did, I'd be calling the cops in a heart beat so they could lock him up for detox) Later, he called again, but it went to voicemail. So I now have a threat for proof, if I ever need one. Not sure what good it will do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
OMG...What a shame...
It made me laugh though as I had a visual of him on the ladder
Mine never climbed the ladder he just threw it on top of our 2 story
house. He claimed that someone else put it there...lol
Yeah, the weight loss has been talked about alot on here. It is part of it too.
For me, it was and sometimes still is, super hard having mine pack up and leave the state but on the bright side, I dont have to see that anymore. Now, its all about me!
Keep Strong...Look back, but dont stare!!!
It made me laugh though as I had a visual of him on the ladder
Mine never climbed the ladder he just threw it on top of our 2 story
house. He claimed that someone else put it there...lol
Yeah, the weight loss has been talked about alot on here. It is part of it too.
For me, it was and sometimes still is, super hard having mine pack up and leave the state but on the bright side, I dont have to see that anymore. Now, its all about me!
Keep Strong...Look back, but dont stare!!!
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I just caught this thread, and wanted to welcome you to SR. 
Thank you for sharing your story. It definitely makes me feel good that posting here helps others as well as myself. I came across SR randomly when conducting a Google search, and I am thankful for this site every day. SR has guided me in the right direction to educate myself. It has informed me that there is a better way, a happy life, and that I deserve peace. It has served as inspirational to me by reading the situations of others and encouraging me to share my own. It had provided, and continues to provide, me with much needed support. SR is so great, because of all the kind and wonderful people on it. Welcome to the family.
It is truly unbelievable how this disease takes over the mind and body; it is a kidnapping of our loved one in a sense, and It effects everyone in the family. Eleven DUIs is horrible. He is truly in denial if he still thinks he does not have a problem. My AH had weight issues develop as well, but mine went the opposite direction. Before the drinking days, and even for a long while after, my AH would be active in sports and maintaining his health. As his alcoholism progressed, his drive for health decreased. His family has a blood line with a lot of heart disease in it. His dad has had three triple bypass surgeries and one quadruple bypass. His dad is only fifty-four, and by inheritance my AH will be prone to the same future if he doesn’t take of himself. He is normally a good cook, but in his alcoholic state, he began to eat fast food and junk. I enabled by buying him the meals.
I am so proud of you for taking the initiative to take care of yourself. There will be no stopping you now from reaching those new dreams. You have made some great progress in your recovery. Keep it up!
Thank you for sharing your story. It definitely makes me feel good that posting here helps others as well as myself. I came across SR randomly when conducting a Google search, and I am thankful for this site every day. SR has guided me in the right direction to educate myself. It has informed me that there is a better way, a happy life, and that I deserve peace. It has served as inspirational to me by reading the situations of others and encouraging me to share my own. It had provided, and continues to provide, me with much needed support. SR is so great, because of all the kind and wonderful people on it. Welcome to the family.
It is truly unbelievable how this disease takes over the mind and body; it is a kidnapping of our loved one in a sense, and It effects everyone in the family. Eleven DUIs is horrible. He is truly in denial if he still thinks he does not have a problem. My AH had weight issues develop as well, but mine went the opposite direction. Before the drinking days, and even for a long while after, my AH would be active in sports and maintaining his health. As his alcoholism progressed, his drive for health decreased. His family has a blood line with a lot of heart disease in it. His dad has had three triple bypass surgeries and one quadruple bypass. His dad is only fifty-four, and by inheritance my AH will be prone to the same future if he doesn’t take of himself. He is normally a good cook, but in his alcoholic state, he began to eat fast food and junk. I enabled by buying him the meals.
I am so proud of you for taking the initiative to take care of yourself. There will be no stopping you now from reaching those new dreams. You have made some great progress in your recovery. Keep it up!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 17
Thank you MTslideaddict, I too found SR while doing a google search. I couldn't live without it and everything I have learned.....but I'm still learning. Too bad I only see 50 or less viewers to the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum on a normal day. I know in my family alone, 2 of my siblings are also married to alcoholics. Seems the numbers of viewers should be higher....there is so much to be learned here and so much love for others.
Today, AH stole my bank card. My mom saw him with my purse, I had hidden the card in one of the many pockets, so it must have taken him a while to find. The bank was closed, but was able to transfer the money thru the drive up teller into my mom's checking account before he had a chance to use the card. So, no bank card and no checks (had to tear them up since AH name was on them) Should post this under things that 5 year olds do. All the $$ needs to go to bills...but AH doesn't think about that....only the next bottle.
Today
AH says: When you leave, I will rent out the house for 2000.00 a month.
I said: OK, but whose going to pay the mortgage? (I pay it now)
AH says: "I'll have 2000.00, I'll be sitting good".
I say: The mortgage is 2000.00 and I'm not going to pay it if I'm not living here.
AH says: But I built it, so I get to keep the money. Quack!
Today, AH stole my bank card. My mom saw him with my purse, I had hidden the card in one of the many pockets, so it must have taken him a while to find. The bank was closed, but was able to transfer the money thru the drive up teller into my mom's checking account before he had a chance to use the card. So, no bank card and no checks (had to tear them up since AH name was on them) Should post this under things that 5 year olds do. All the $$ needs to go to bills...but AH doesn't think about that....only the next bottle.
Today
AH says: When you leave, I will rent out the house for 2000.00 a month.
I said: OK, but whose going to pay the mortgage? (I pay it now)
AH says: "I'll have 2000.00, I'll be sitting good".
I say: The mortgage is 2000.00 and I'm not going to pay it if I'm not living here.
AH says: But I built it, so I get to keep the money. Quack!
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I don't think enough people know about this site. I have personally been telling other people that I contact with and that I feel would benefit from some support about this site. Hopefully, they will find it as helpful in their personal lives, as I have in mine.
You AH seems to be getting desperate. He is resorting to stealing funds. I can visualize him hunting for that cash. Boy there is a lot quacking happening now too! -That is a good one about the mortgage payment and possible rental income.
Stay strong and keep posting here.
You AH seems to be getting desperate. He is resorting to stealing funds. I can visualize him hunting for that cash. Boy there is a lot quacking happening now too! -That is a good one about the mortgage payment and possible rental income.
Stay strong and keep posting here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Two years ago I use to have my coffee in the mornings, then go take a shower.
In Febuary I would have coffee, take my purse, my cell phone, my business bags
into the bathroom and lock the door.
I never thought there would be a day, he began stealing money from me
But he did begin to steal it out of my purse & my business funds when I was in the shower.
He said it was his money too!
He went from being a very succesful business man to working 19 hours a month.
I was in shock. If I stop and think about it now, Im still in shock. I would of never
guessed that one in a million years...
I wrote this, so you understand, your not alone!
In Febuary I would have coffee, take my purse, my cell phone, my business bags
into the bathroom and lock the door.
I never thought there would be a day, he began stealing money from me
But he did begin to steal it out of my purse & my business funds when I was in the shower.
He said it was his money too!
He went from being a very succesful business man to working 19 hours a month.
I was in shock. If I stop and think about it now, Im still in shock. I would of never
guessed that one in a million years...
I wrote this, so you understand, your not alone!
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