OT Therapist issues .. I was sent to a psychiatrist.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I cannot have a normal, trusting relationship with my parents. Anything I say to them will be told to everyone, any issues with our relationship that I attempt to resolve will result in my mother insisting that it's either all my fault or it never happened, and anything they tell me is unreliable and subject to change at any notice.
I have no intention of cutting them out of my life, but now that I know what I can and cannot talk about, where I can and cannot rely upon them, and the other limits in this "relationship," I can built it accordingly, and be true to myself while still remaining on good terms with them.
It is not the relationship that I wish I had, but it is healthier than our relationship has ever been before, and I can remain content with the "healthy" parts while removing myself from the parts that are not healthy.
Appreciate each person for who they are, and set up your boundaries accordingly. You do not have to cut everyone with a problem out of your life - in my case, if I only spoke to people who were always emotionally stable I wouldn't have anyone to talk to, including myself!
Figure out your comfort zone within each relationship, and it's okay to stay inside that comfort zone for the "friends" who become "not-friends" should you stray outside that zone, while still stretching that zone with those of your friends who are also learning to grow themselves in healthy ways.
I have no intention of cutting them out of my life, but now that I know what I can and cannot talk about, where I can and cannot rely upon them, and the other limits in this "relationship," I can built it accordingly, and be true to myself while still remaining on good terms with them.
It is not the relationship that I wish I had, but it is healthier than our relationship has ever been before, and I can remain content with the "healthy" parts while removing myself from the parts that are not healthy.
Appreciate each person for who they are, and set up your boundaries accordingly. You do not have to cut everyone with a problem out of your life - in my case, if I only spoke to people who were always emotionally stable I wouldn't have anyone to talk to, including myself!
Figure out your comfort zone within each relationship, and it's okay to stay inside that comfort zone for the "friends" who become "not-friends" should you stray outside that zone, while still stretching that zone with those of your friends who are also learning to grow themselves in healthy ways.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
TC I don't know if your General Dr was a friend before you became a patient or the other way around. I know your therapist was your therapist before you moved on to her property and became friends.
I have a friend who is a GP and we have been friends since we were in fifth grade. I would never consider her as an option as MY GP.
I think there is a boundary issue here. Your therapist should be a therapist to you and your GP, strictly your Dr. My opinion only of course but I wouldn't blur those lines.
By the way, I think what your therapist did was unacceptable. I would go no contact and if you run into either one of them in future, smile as you pass and keep moving.
I have a friend who is a GP and we have been friends since we were in fifth grade. I would never consider her as an option as MY GP.
I think there is a boundary issue here. Your therapist should be a therapist to you and your GP, strictly your Dr. My opinion only of course but I wouldn't blur those lines.
By the way, I think what your therapist did was unacceptable. I would go no contact and if you run into either one of them in future, smile as you pass and keep moving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I think there are two issues here. One is boundaries between professional relationships and personal relationships. On this point, I agree with gerryP. They don't mix. Keep them separate. If you develop a personal relationship with someone you see on a professional level, then the professional relationship should discontinue. It's all a matter of integrity for me.
The other issue is trust and expectations. On this point, I am with the consensus that you determine how much and what to share with others based on their trustworthiness. Not how trustworthy you wish they were, but actual reality. This way you don't end up hurting yourself. I also have found that it is rare that I need to cut someone completely out of my life. Mostly, I just have to recognize the kind of person they are and adjust my relationship expectations accordingly. I have not even cut my XAH out of my life. Our children are nearly grown and I stay out of his relationship with them, I don't expect anything from him, but we are cordial to each other. We discuss financing our children's education and other expenses as necessary and I make plans anyway to cover it in case he doesn't come through, which is often. If he does help out, it is a pleasant surprise, but my kids know they can count on me.
It all comes back to you, TC. Do what is best for TC, not what TC thinks is best for others.
L
The other issue is trust and expectations. On this point, I am with the consensus that you determine how much and what to share with others based on their trustworthiness. Not how trustworthy you wish they were, but actual reality. This way you don't end up hurting yourself. I also have found that it is rare that I need to cut someone completely out of my life. Mostly, I just have to recognize the kind of person they are and adjust my relationship expectations accordingly. I have not even cut my XAH out of my life. Our children are nearly grown and I stay out of his relationship with them, I don't expect anything from him, but we are cordial to each other. We discuss financing our children's education and other expenses as necessary and I make plans anyway to cover it in case he doesn't come through, which is often. If he does help out, it is a pleasant surprise, but my kids know they can count on me.
It all comes back to you, TC. Do what is best for TC, not what TC thinks is best for others.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
So sorry for what you are going through.
It sounds to me like you need to open a can of whoop-ass on these people, but i've been known on occasion to not be politically correct.
Friends should have your back and your doctor should keep your confidences it's just that simple, if you are going to have a relationship with these people you need to call them out on their bad behavior.
I don't know about everyone else here, but for me this is like a private club, I come here to be with people who understand what I am going through. Even if I talked to my wife about the things we discuss here she really would not understand what it's like to deal with these issues, so if these friends fail you then you still have us.
I hope you find some peace and comfort in coming here.
It sounds to me like you need to open a can of whoop-ass on these people, but i've been known on occasion to not be politically correct.
Friends should have your back and your doctor should keep your confidences it's just that simple, if you are going to have a relationship with these people you need to call them out on their bad behavior.
I don't know about everyone else here, but for me this is like a private club, I come here to be with people who understand what I am going through. Even if I talked to my wife about the things we discuss here she really would not understand what it's like to deal with these issues, so if these friends fail you then you still have us.
I hope you find some peace and comfort in coming here.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks all for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
This has been my conclusion too... the mixing of roles is what brings so much confusion in here.
Our culture has very weak boundaries, it is badly seen to stick to the roles. A Nation of codependents it is.
My doc will stay being my doc. This gives me peace. Too bad she is a snake, but "how is that MY problem?" (I have repeated this mantra so often these days..).
I will focus on packing and moving. When I am in the new place I will consider going back to therapy and with whom. Right now I am feeling great anyway, regardless of others and of difficult situations, I have enjoyed my days and been grateful.
As it is I was in the gym the other day and talked to a woman who also does kick boxing, turned out she is a therapist. I shared some of this situation and she said this is wrong, and she doesn't treat people she knows socially but could recommend me one of her peers. THAT is an example of someone professional and with healthy boundaries.
I was telling her I haven't made progress in some aspects and she said "perhaps that is just a belief you have". Thanks HP, for sending me someone sane next to my static bike.
Today my mom left and StarCat I get your message--- this is what my mom and sister have in common ... I can "go to their worlds" very easily, but they don't come to mine. I am astonished as how a similar event or just one day can be lived and perceived so differently. But I am happy I live in my own world and no longer need to "take sides" or believe everything. I literally felt I was carrying less weight on my shoulders.. it sounds cruel , but I was able to see where I got my depression-isolation issues...
LTD what a healthy way to live, I have started to do the same for plans I have (mention I am doing X and telling other people ONCE they are invited) and it is wonderful. To plan stuff as if I was alone, then its a surprise if others do join. How wise.
I still lit my candles and ask HP often, to bring me clarity about who is who, and bring people with good hearts to my life. There has already been an answer, with you SR friends!
This has been my conclusion too... the mixing of roles is what brings so much confusion in here.
Our culture has very weak boundaries, it is badly seen to stick to the roles. A Nation of codependents it is.
My doc will stay being my doc. This gives me peace. Too bad she is a snake, but "how is that MY problem?" (I have repeated this mantra so often these days..).
I will focus on packing and moving. When I am in the new place I will consider going back to therapy and with whom. Right now I am feeling great anyway, regardless of others and of difficult situations, I have enjoyed my days and been grateful.
As it is I was in the gym the other day and talked to a woman who also does kick boxing, turned out she is a therapist. I shared some of this situation and she said this is wrong, and she doesn't treat people she knows socially but could recommend me one of her peers. THAT is an example of someone professional and with healthy boundaries.
I was telling her I haven't made progress in some aspects and she said "perhaps that is just a belief you have". Thanks HP, for sending me someone sane next to my static bike.
Today my mom left and StarCat I get your message--- this is what my mom and sister have in common ... I can "go to their worlds" very easily, but they don't come to mine. I am astonished as how a similar event or just one day can be lived and perceived so differently. But I am happy I live in my own world and no longer need to "take sides" or believe everything. I literally felt I was carrying less weight on my shoulders.. it sounds cruel , but I was able to see where I got my depression-isolation issues...
LTD what a healthy way to live, I have started to do the same for plans I have (mention I am doing X and telling other people ONCE they are invited) and it is wonderful. To plan stuff as if I was alone, then its a surprise if others do join. How wise.
I still lit my candles and ask HP often, to bring me clarity about who is who, and bring people with good hearts to my life. There has already been an answer, with you SR friends!
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