Chimmy

Hi,

I've never been on here before, but I am getting desperate, my story won't be as harrowing or as chronic as many peoples on this site, in fact many of you will probably read this and wonder what the problem is!

My Mother is an Alcoholic, she is in recovery and has been since 2003ish, she went the first 5 years no problem, but then she would have slips, I'd try reasoning with her, arguing with herm rushing down to be with her (I live 400 miles away but I do make the effort to visit her once a month, and spend 2 weeks a year with her). She has 2 gorgeous grand children - (not mine) and myself and my sister who absolutley adore her, despite everything she has put us through.

I've tried to keep a diary of it, she seems to be sober 2 months, and then has a slip for a week or so, she drinks in the evenings after we have called to begin with and thinks she can hide it, then it gradually gets worse and worse until she has to see the doctor because she can't stop crying and she gets very sick.

This time she is drinking so I can notice the slurring, I've told her I won't talk to her while she is drunk (the last few times I cut off all communication with her) but she then can stay sober during the day - and this is what is scaring me. Because she has done herself so much damage it only takes a couple before she is tottally out of her tree, then we get the abusive phone calls and the 'Jeckyll Mum' but then next morning, nice as pie. In a way I prefer it when she goes back to being drunk all the time so I have an excuse not to talk to her, and I can pretend she is on holiday!

I miss my Mum really really badly, I want to talk to her and help her, but I can't. Should I be accepting of her drinking on a night or do I have a right to be angry?

I should maybe explain, before she stopped drinking she was drunk 24-7 didn't really sleep more passed out and it took 2 rounds of rehab to get her to this stage.

She is going to assertiveness classes and councelling starts on Monday. Her slips are getting more and more frequent and AA just made things worse - she said that she heard how much they were drinking and it made her think well I don't drink that much, maybe I should try!

I don't really know what my question is, maybe how do I deal with these slips, especially when they are like this one - i.e fine during the day and bad at night or just a little slurry and how long does this go on for - does it get better or is it a sign she will never be able to stay in long term recovery?

I just think I need someone to give me advise - someone who understands.

Thanks

Chimmy

Also I should add, she doesn't work and is home all day. My Grandad goes over once a day, and he is very demanding and hard work. She has started drinking Whiskey and Brandy as well which worries me.

wanttobehealthy

I'm sorry you're hurting. You won't be able to do anything to get your mom to stop drinking but you are doing the right thing for yourself by being here...

I'm not saying AA is right for everyone but I do think that AA isn't the problem for your mom-- The problem is that she is looking for excuses, reasons to minimize her drinking and justifications for why she doesn't need to deal with her drinking.

I do think that AA can provide a good opportunity for excuses for some (like your mom and my AH) particularly the speaker meetings bc some in attendance like to listen to the stories outlining how bad things were and say "gee, I wasn't that bad" and continue their denial.

I've heard it said that it's the step meeting and working with a sponsor that makes AA work. If your mom is going just to speaker meetings to find reasons to justify continuing to drink she probably will find that since there are surely many who are worse off than her.

But enough about that... Do you have any support? A therapist? Al anon? Friends you can talk to?

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR - you came to the right place for advice, however it may not be the advice you are hoping to hear (how to reason with your Mom). Instead, we here will tell you this: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. This is your Mom's problem and hers alone.

Sounds as if you are already taking steps to protect yourself from the effects of her drinking (not talking with her when she is drunk, etc). Keep doing that! You don't have to take anyone's abuse. Try reading some books about alcoholism, find a support group of like-minded people. Al-Anon is of course highly recommended here, but I am sure you can find others as well. Talking about your feelings with others who understand is very helpful...keeps us in a good place where the craziness of addictions don't wreck our lives.

Lastly, detach from your Mom's drinking. You are right...she isn't the same Mom you love when she is drinking, so do your best to not engage with that person and remember she is sick.

Keep coming back - take good care!
~T

Chimmy

Thank you.

I have read so many books, I find these helpful, but I suppose I need to know how to deal with this half drinking, this is what I'm struggling with, like I know if I ring her now she will be drunk, if I'd rang her at 12 she would be sober and just like normal, and I don't want to punish her when she is sober, and I don't want her to think no-one cares.

But she is on a downer she has a giant list of what is wrong and nothing I say can cheer her up.

I don't get any help - it's tricky to get time off work for councelling - my doctors only offer it during the day, and I think I'd find AA quite upsetting. Usually I can handle it, its the beginning bit of the is she drunk isn't she drunk I find upsetting and this has been going on for a week nearly.

She goes to the doctors eventually when she gets too bad, but then they give her tablets, which make her sick if she drinks, she takes them for a while and then there is noone to force her to, she says i'm OK now and then she doesn't drink for 2 months or so, and then we are back in this position. Its the not knowing that drives me mad. Is there a chance this could be the last time? or is there just no hope, this is how its going to be until she does kill herself?

painterman

Hi Chimmy, yes I think we have all experienced that dreadful uncertainty-is she or isn't she drunk, what next. As long as we try to control it there will be misery for us. You said it yourself-'nothing I say can cheer her up.' The trouble is, you are a healthy rational thinking person, and your logic won't apply to your mum, because she is seeking solace in the bottle. I don't expect you will ever really know why, maybe if drinkers could really open up there would be less of a problem? Please take the advice here and look after yourself first and foremost.

daughter333

Chimmy, my situation is not terribly different from yours. Every time my dad calls me when he is drinking he says the same things every time -- why did my mom leave, my financial situation is declining (it is fine), I'm so lonely, etc. It is very depressed, self-deprecating talk and he usually does not remember it later. So I have a rule that we will not talk when he is drinking. I told him that this was the rule. If he calls me at night I let it go to voicemail, then I listen to the vmail before I call him back. If he turns out to be drunk when we talk I say, "Dad, you have been drinking and we agreed that I won't talk to you when you're like this. I will talk to you another time when you are sober." And then I hang up. No buts.

It has been important for me to set these boundaries -- before I limited our communication these phone conversations would really upset me, but he would barely remember them. Nothing good came of it. You are also in a situation where talking to your mother or going to see her does not result in anything good for either of you. Like you said you can't force her to stop drinking, take medicine that makes her sick, etc. The only person you can control is yourself - focus on taking care of that person. Best of luck.

Chimmy

Thank you everyone,

I think I want to know that I'm doing the right thing really, I feel so guilty but I'm thinking I might just leave her to it for a while. That's what my heart is telling me. Just back off and don't answer her calls. Let her know her behaviour is unacceptable.

There is no easy answer being involved with an alcoholic I guess I'll have to get used to the fact it will always be like this. I've had a lot of councelling in the past as I have suffered with depression, at the moment I am OK although I am very disappointed.

I've been on this website a bit and I've found it very helpful. Thank you everyone x x

MTSlideAddict

Hello Chimmy. Welcome to SR.

You are doing the right thing. The only power you have is power over you. You cannot help or make your mother quit drinking. She will have to find her own way. The only thing you can do is keep those boundaries firm, as you are, and take care of you.

Don't let her alcoholism destroy your wellbeing. Your life is too precious for that. Hopefully she will find her way soon, but it is her life and her choice to make. Keep taking care of yourself.

Hugs to you.

painterman

Daughter333, exactly right what you are doing-being a parent I can't ever imagine burdening my children with my problems-surely it works the other way-we are here for you. But I know it happens because my partner does it to our girls-one of the problems with drinking, an emotional dependency.

TakingCharge999

((((HUGS))))

Chimmy, how are you doing ?

I think you are very strong for enduring all this. This is not your fault, never was.

Chimmy

Daughter333, that really helps alot thank you, it's just good to know someone else out there knows what it feels like, my sister doesn't like to talk about it anymore so when my Mum drinks I feel so lonely and I try to talk to my Husband, and he tries to understand, but he doesn't and just gets angry with my Mum, which isn't what I need!

Just to know that I'm doing the right thing really helps. She is supposed to be having a councelling session on Monday, I very much doubt she will be going to that, which is such a shame.