Well that was fast - separated
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 19
Well that was fast - separated
So since our anniversary last month my AH has been on a downward spiral I have reached my breaking point with him and have been trying to figure out what to do, what I want to do, what is best for my family.
I had decided that the best course of action was probably a separation but that was all. I didn't have a plan of action YET. I have started one but hadn't quite gotten to the point of putting my plan into action.
Well fast foward to last night. My AH was up and down back and forth waking me up all night first to appologize then when I wouldn't engage he was done tired of this. Then back upstairs and on and on this went all night. I am running on empty.
The one thing that did come of all this is we are separating. There I said it. We are not in a position to just walk away finacially we can't do it. We have agreed that he will live in the basement and I will live upstairs we will share the common areas and split everything 50/50. this will last for 6 months when hopefully he will have saved some money and we will have caught up the bills.
I am tentativly optimistic. I told him I cannot go on this way. If we decide to try to work on us it needs to be done durring normal hours NOT in the middle of the nght. He works second shift and stays up drinking so he doens't really concern him self with time. ugh.
He tried to pull me in and tell me I can't be controling and this and that. I basically said I will be out of his way. I decided not to argue that I am not because what have I learned at Al-anon...yep...can't control others. I am just going to take this time and try to get caught up. Decide if I need to sell the house or if I will be able to afford it and focus on fixing ME.
I just hope it works. I really need to be done with this toxic relationship. It has been going on far to long. I am not sure I would have followed through on separating had I not started going to Al-Anon and for that I am glad.
I had decided that the best course of action was probably a separation but that was all. I didn't have a plan of action YET. I have started one but hadn't quite gotten to the point of putting my plan into action.
Well fast foward to last night. My AH was up and down back and forth waking me up all night first to appologize then when I wouldn't engage he was done tired of this. Then back upstairs and on and on this went all night. I am running on empty.
The one thing that did come of all this is we are separating. There I said it. We are not in a position to just walk away finacially we can't do it. We have agreed that he will live in the basement and I will live upstairs we will share the common areas and split everything 50/50. this will last for 6 months when hopefully he will have saved some money and we will have caught up the bills.
I am tentativly optimistic. I told him I cannot go on this way. If we decide to try to work on us it needs to be done durring normal hours NOT in the middle of the nght. He works second shift and stays up drinking so he doens't really concern him self with time. ugh.
He tried to pull me in and tell me I can't be controling and this and that. I basically said I will be out of his way. I decided not to argue that I am not because what have I learned at Al-anon...yep...can't control others. I am just going to take this time and try to get caught up. Decide if I need to sell the house or if I will be able to afford it and focus on fixing ME.
I just hope it works. I really need to be done with this toxic relationship. It has been going on far to long. I am not sure I would have followed through on separating had I not started going to Al-Anon and for that I am glad.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Those are very big things to get through! It sounds like you're on the right course, taking action one day at a time. It's very painful, I know, but I can assure you you'll feel much better on the other side. Thanks for posting this, you're a power of example!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
These are difficult, important decisions.
I am glad you are working on your recovery, and doing the things necessary so that you can have a happy, fulfilling life.
I am also sorry for your loss, it's harder than it looks to walk away and separate ourselves from the addict, not only materially (living arrangements, money, etc) but also emotionally.
Hang in there. You are taking care of you, and making difficult decisions, and you are doing well.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Well I bet you feel some relief - I hope so! That first step can be so hard and you have it behind you now.
I do not mean to be a downer here. Hope is not a good strategy though. If he was not able to pay his 50% and get the finances under control while you were 'together' I'm not seeing how he'll suddenly be motivated to do that from the basement. In my life - it got worse. Way worse. I guess I'd probably be thinking about some financial arrangements or options that would protect you financially and help you get where you hope to be in 6mos, rather then further in the hole.
Not that you have to have these plans immediately. There is no emergency. Take your time etc. etc. - just something to think about.
Originally Posted by mefirst 
I just hope it works. I really need to be done with this toxic relationship. It has been going on far to long. I am not sure I would have followed through on separating had I not started going to Al-Anon and for that I am glad.
Not that you have to have these plans immediately. There is no emergency. Take your time etc. etc. - just something to think about.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I want to second what Thumper has suggested, in light of my own experience with separation from an addict. I wasn't the one who suggested the split initially; I'd just been doing online Al-Anon meetings, posting and reading on SR and Codependent No More. After realizing that I wasn't playing his game, XAH told me that we should split. I was SO relieved not to have to the one to say it. It had been eating me. We proceeded to discuss splitting household items rationally, and also gave ourselves 3 months to cohabitate while saving up. It just seemed so surreal.
That was in beginning/mid-October 2009.
I started looking at apartments, since we'd agreed that I would leave and he could have the apartment. I budgeted to see how I could manage things on my own. I started looking at cheap furniture and planning to move in January.
It only took a few weeks for things to turn to crap. XAH realized that I wasn't going to let him have split custody of our DD. He also realized that I would be taking away the cable service, the phone service and the internet, thus leaving him with responsibility of paying it all himself (GASP!). Before long, he threatened to take my child for me and I panicked.
I moved on October 31, 2009.
All this to say: have a plan. Just in case. Even if it means contemplating bankruptcy, have a plan. Start stashing important documents (marriage certificate, financial/tax documents, car leases, birth certificates, etc) at a friend's place, or at work. Start thinking about what you would do if you suddenly had to move. Tell your loved ones about your plans, so that if something does go wrong, they're aware of what's going on in your marriage. I'm not trying to be a harbinger of doom here, but it's important to be prepared. Separation and divorce are considered to be among the most highly volatile events in people's lives. Add to that an alcoholic partner clearly lost in the jolly old land of De-nial (not just a place in Egypt...) and sparks may fly.
Just sayin'
That was in beginning/mid-October 2009.
I started looking at apartments, since we'd agreed that I would leave and he could have the apartment. I budgeted to see how I could manage things on my own. I started looking at cheap furniture and planning to move in January.
It only took a few weeks for things to turn to crap. XAH realized that I wasn't going to let him have split custody of our DD. He also realized that I would be taking away the cable service, the phone service and the internet, thus leaving him with responsibility of paying it all himself (GASP!). Before long, he threatened to take my child for me and I panicked.
I moved on October 31, 2009.
All this to say: have a plan. Just in case. Even if it means contemplating bankruptcy, have a plan. Start stashing important documents (marriage certificate, financial/tax documents, car leases, birth certificates, etc) at a friend's place, or at work. Start thinking about what you would do if you suddenly had to move. Tell your loved ones about your plans, so that if something does go wrong, they're aware of what's going on in your marriage. I'm not trying to be a harbinger of doom here, but it's important to be prepared. Separation and divorce are considered to be among the most highly volatile events in people's lives. Add to that an alcoholic partner clearly lost in the jolly old land of De-nial (not just a place in Egypt...) and sparks may fly.
Just sayin'
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
If the only option you have financially is for you to stay in the same house then I think your plan sounds like a good one. If there's any way to afford having him live elsewhere that might make the separation work out better..but I also know it's not as black and white as "just make him leave or you just leave". Particularly in this economy, many of us are having to make do with less than ideal situations. It would be lovely if apartments were free but they aren't and for a while I too tried the in house separation bc of finances. In the end my H had to leave and we are incurring all the more debt but it's worth it for the peace. If he'd been capable of staying in the "man room" in our house I'd have gone that route but he wasn't.
I hope that the separation is good for you and I hope that he will respect your desire for him to leave you alone.
I hope that the separation is good for you and I hope that he will respect your desire for him to leave you alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 19
Thank you all. I don't feel so strong anymore. I feel like once upon a time I was so strong and could go at it alone. I was a single mom for 16 years and I really felt like I did my time being strong. It just really sucks!
I did a little more research about my options and my house. Of couse it is in my name and so if he just walks I will lose it and be stuck with a forclousure on my credit.
I am really not so sure if he WILL follow through and respect staying in the man cave. He might as part of our problem is he spends all of his spare time down there and not with our family. I guess time will only tell this.
I am really wishing right about now that I would have listed to my mother when she said do not buy a house with him...sigh.
I talked to him breifly on FB before he went to work and he was acting totally normal like we didn't have a conversation this morning. I brought it back around to our separating but I am a little nervous that he plans on the pretend nothing happend route and I need to be on the lets work through this route and get out of it as good as we can working together for a common healthy goal. The problem being is that he is an alcholoic and I am trying to work through my own stuff. I have not quite figured out what my stuff is yet but I know relationships don't start or end without 2 people.
I did a little more research about my options and my house. Of couse it is in my name and so if he just walks I will lose it and be stuck with a forclousure on my credit.
I am really not so sure if he WILL follow through and respect staying in the man cave. He might as part of our problem is he spends all of his spare time down there and not with our family. I guess time will only tell this.
I am really wishing right about now that I would have listed to my mother when she said do not buy a house with him...sigh.
I talked to him breifly on FB before he went to work and he was acting totally normal like we didn't have a conversation this morning. I brought it back around to our separating but I am a little nervous that he plans on the pretend nothing happend route and I need to be on the lets work through this route and get out of it as good as we can working together for a common healthy goal. The problem being is that he is an alcholoic and I am trying to work through my own stuff. I have not quite figured out what my stuff is yet but I know relationships don't start or end without 2 people.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Thumper
I do not mean to be a downer here. Hope is not a good strategy though. If he was not able to pay his 50% and get the finances under control while you were 'together' I'm not seeing how he'll suddenly be motivated to do that from the basement.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
I want to second what Thumper has suggested, in light of my own experience with separation from an addict. I wasn't the one who suggested the split initially; I'd just been doing online Al-Anon meetings, posting and reading on SR and Codependent No More. After realizing that I wasn't playing his game, XAH told me that we should split. I was SO relieved not to have to the one to say it. It had been eating me. We proceeded to discuss splitting household items rationally, and also gave ourselves 3 months to cohabitate while saving up. It just seemed so surreal.
That was in beginning/mid-October 2009.
I started looking at apartments, since we'd agreed that I would leave and he could have the apartment. I budgeted to see how I could manage things on my own. I started looking at cheap furniture and planning to move in January.
It only took a few weeks for things to turn to crap. XAH realized that I wasn't going to let him have split custody of our DD. He also realized that I would be taking away the cable service, the phone service and the internet, thus leaving him with responsibility of paying it all himself (GASP!). Before long, he threatened to take my child for me and I panicked.
I moved on October 31, 2009.
All this to say: have a plan. Just in case. Even if it means contemplating bankruptcy, have a plan. Start stashing important documents (marriage certificate, financial/tax documents, car leases, birth certificates, etc) at a friend's place, or at work. Start thinking about what you would do if you suddenly had to move. Tell your loved ones about your plans, so that if something does go wrong, they're aware of what's going on in your marriage. I'm not trying to be a harbinger of doom here, but it's important to be prepared. Separation and divorce are considered to be among the most highly volatile events in people's lives. Add to that an alcoholic partner clearly lost in the jolly old land of De-nial (not just a place in Egypt...) and sparks may fly.
Just sayin'
That was in beginning/mid-October 2009.
I started looking at apartments, since we'd agreed that I would leave and he could have the apartment. I budgeted to see how I could manage things on my own. I started looking at cheap furniture and planning to move in January.
It only took a few weeks for things to turn to crap. XAH realized that I wasn't going to let him have split custody of our DD. He also realized that I would be taking away the cable service, the phone service and the internet, thus leaving him with responsibility of paying it all himself (GASP!). Before long, he threatened to take my child for me and I panicked.
I moved on October 31, 2009.
All this to say: have a plan. Just in case. Even if it means contemplating bankruptcy, have a plan. Start stashing important documents (marriage certificate, financial/tax documents, car leases, birth certificates, etc) at a friend's place, or at work. Start thinking about what you would do if you suddenly had to move. Tell your loved ones about your plans, so that if something does go wrong, they're aware of what's going on in your marriage. I'm not trying to be a harbinger of doom here, but it's important to be prepared. Separation and divorce are considered to be among the most highly volatile events in people's lives. Add to that an alcoholic partner clearly lost in the jolly old land of De-nial (not just a place in Egypt...) and sparks may fly.
Just sayin'
Oh why can't we just have a crystal ball to see into the future instead of love color glasses making us ignore tell tale warning signs.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by mefirst
Such good points. He really is super nice BUT I have never followed through I always accept hsi apology and things go right back to the way they were. I should be prepared just incase he has a melt down and turns into a not so nice person. I have been thinking of my options but I don't have a back up plan at all really for if he really does move. I have decided to take on a student which will help with the bills but it is just temp and not a gurantee.
Oh why can't we just have a crystal ball to see into the future instead of love color glasses making us ignore tell tale warning signs.
Oh why can't we just have a crystal ball to see into the future instead of love color glasses making us ignore tell tale warning signs.
Sure I made threats (I'm not going to take this, I will leave you etc..) but I never, ever, ever followed through. I was addicted to him like he's addicted to alcohol.
Anyway, once I did actually stick to my guns and follow through and make clear to him that it was actions that counted and not nice words, he turned from nice guy (at times) to nasty nasty nasty.
I couldn't have believed it if (and I am sure people did tell me to expect it) a year ago. He was always the calm guy on the surface (even though I sensed inside he was raging). But the calm guy (at least in the privacy of our home) changed into someone I no longer recognize.
It's good that you're preparing for the likelihood of this happening. And I imagine that the rage that my AH has shown can be reduced if not eliminated if A's are in recovery... My AH never pursued that path despite talking a good game...
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You can't have a crystal ball...
..but you can sure as hell take off the glasses. Not we, not us, but you. You can take off the glasses.
Will you?
Cyranoak
Will you?
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by mefirst
Oh why can't we just have a crystal ball to see into the future instead of love color glasses making us ignore tell tale warning signs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 19
yes
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
..but you can sure as hell take off the glasses. Not we, not us, but you. You can take off the glasses.
Will you?
Cyranoak
Will you?
Cyranoak
Today i am just so sad about all of it. I am so lost and all I feel is sadness and loss. I also feel like such a failure and so much disapointment with myself and with him. My brain tell sme this isn't true but ..
I hate not knowing when things will be better.
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