Need advice following bad breakup with alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Need advice following bad breakup with alcoholic boyfriend
Hi everyone,
I stumbled across this forum after searching online about alcoholism, and I need some advice.
I was with my boyfriend for the past 1.5 years, living with him for most of it. The first 6 months of our relationship was wonderful...he would take me on vacations, shower me with gifts and compliments, and tell me he loved me. He was quite the athlete, but after 6 months he stopped working out completely. For the next year, he drank heavily. After various work functions or dinner meetings he had during the week, he would come home completely hammered to the point where he couldn't speak or walk. And these were just the weekdays, such as a Tuesday or Wednesay. On weekends, he would drink to the point of dancing wildly in the bar, ripping off his shirt, and yelling. Many times he would yell at me when he was drunk, but I brushed it off due to the fact that he was the nicest person when he was sober. He is high up in his company, and I figured that someone that successful could never function as an alcoholic. I brushed the whole thing off as him being a party animal 25/26 year old. He constantly told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me. We were in the process of getting a puppy and we were looking online at new apartments to move into.
Then all of a sudden he started acting weird for a few days. He said he was "unhappy with life" and that he felt like a "lame 26 year old in NYC who doesn't drink". Since when was he not drinking? He mentioned that he wanted to go to AA, and I told him I would support him. 2 days later, he was still acting irritable and strange, and so I asked him what was wrong, and if it had to do with me. At first he said no, that he was just unhappy. As I pried a little further, he told me he needed space from me. When I said that I didn't want to do a break, he then said we should break up. I was so blindsided. Up until this point, he did not mention to me once that he was upset with our relationship, in fact just the opposite. He wanted to marry me and have children one day.
6 weeks after the breakup, I am still in shock and having a hard time getting back to my life. I'm wondering what went wrong. I talked to him a couple weeks ago, and he told me that he broke up with me because I was a "weak-minded dependent leech" who he "could control" because he "should have been with someone better." He also said that I was the cause of his heavy drinking and lack of exercise the past year. Later he called and apologized, and he said that he had apologized to his family for how he treated them due to his drinking, and that I deserve better. I am still in shock, and I am really sad and don't know what to do. Is he really an alcoholic? Why is he blaming me? Why am I having a hard time realizing that I can do better? Any advice would be extremely helpful. I'm really trying to move on and be positive, but it is extremely difficult.
I stumbled across this forum after searching online about alcoholism, and I need some advice.
I was with my boyfriend for the past 1.5 years, living with him for most of it. The first 6 months of our relationship was wonderful...he would take me on vacations, shower me with gifts and compliments, and tell me he loved me. He was quite the athlete, but after 6 months he stopped working out completely. For the next year, he drank heavily. After various work functions or dinner meetings he had during the week, he would come home completely hammered to the point where he couldn't speak or walk. And these were just the weekdays, such as a Tuesday or Wednesay. On weekends, he would drink to the point of dancing wildly in the bar, ripping off his shirt, and yelling. Many times he would yell at me when he was drunk, but I brushed it off due to the fact that he was the nicest person when he was sober. He is high up in his company, and I figured that someone that successful could never function as an alcoholic. I brushed the whole thing off as him being a party animal 25/26 year old. He constantly told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me. We were in the process of getting a puppy and we were looking online at new apartments to move into.
Then all of a sudden he started acting weird for a few days. He said he was "unhappy with life" and that he felt like a "lame 26 year old in NYC who doesn't drink". Since when was he not drinking? He mentioned that he wanted to go to AA, and I told him I would support him. 2 days later, he was still acting irritable and strange, and so I asked him what was wrong, and if it had to do with me. At first he said no, that he was just unhappy. As I pried a little further, he told me he needed space from me. When I said that I didn't want to do a break, he then said we should break up. I was so blindsided. Up until this point, he did not mention to me once that he was upset with our relationship, in fact just the opposite. He wanted to marry me and have children one day.
6 weeks after the breakup, I am still in shock and having a hard time getting back to my life. I'm wondering what went wrong. I talked to him a couple weeks ago, and he told me that he broke up with me because I was a "weak-minded dependent leech" who he "could control" because he "should have been with someone better." He also said that I was the cause of his heavy drinking and lack of exercise the past year. Later he called and apologized, and he said that he had apologized to his family for how he treated them due to his drinking, and that I deserve better. I am still in shock, and I am really sad and don't know what to do. Is he really an alcoholic? Why is he blaming me? Why am I having a hard time realizing that I can do better? Any advice would be extremely helpful. I'm really trying to move on and be positive, but it is extremely difficult.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
:hugs:
Logic does not work with addicts.
Sometimes they will break up because they realize the difficulty they're putting those around them through. Sometimes they do it to prove to themselves that they had the power in the relationship. Sometimes they do it because they don't want anyone to hold them accountable for their actions. Sometimes they do it to rekindle a relationship with a former drinking partner. Sometimes they do it because they feel insecure in the relationship, or next to the person they're in the relationship with. Sometimes they do it because the chase is more interesting than the relationship. Sometimes they do it because it's not exactly the way they imagined it. Sometimes they do it expecting the other person to come chasing after them, begging for another chance, so they can stroke their ego.
And sometimes they do it for no reason at all.
This is not a reflection on you.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I'm glad you found us. You're not alone.
Logic does not work with addicts.
Sometimes they will break up because they realize the difficulty they're putting those around them through. Sometimes they do it to prove to themselves that they had the power in the relationship. Sometimes they do it because they don't want anyone to hold them accountable for their actions. Sometimes they do it to rekindle a relationship with a former drinking partner. Sometimes they do it because they feel insecure in the relationship, or next to the person they're in the relationship with. Sometimes they do it because the chase is more interesting than the relationship. Sometimes they do it because it's not exactly the way they imagined it. Sometimes they do it expecting the other person to come chasing after them, begging for another chance, so they can stroke their ego.
And sometimes they do it for no reason at all.
This is not a reflection on you.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I'm glad you found us. You're not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7
He said I was a depressing leech of a person and that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore, but he had just booked a nonrefundable trip for me for my birthday a week earlier (i get a free plane ticket courtesy of him since it was non-transferable), we put in an application for a puppy, he was calling my dad and setting up golf outings with him... how was I supposed to know? I feel like he probably cheated on me or something. All these thoughts are racing through my head, and I feel paralyzed and unable to move on from all of this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7
Thanks. I've been through some bad breakups before, but I always saw them coming, so I was prepared. I know they take time, but this one seems to be a lot worse. I hope I can come to that realization phase, AlwaysGrowing, soon enough.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by StarCat 
:hugs:
Logic does not work with addicts.
Sometimes they will break up because they realize the difficulty they're putting those around them through. Sometimes they do it to prove to themselves that they had the power in the relationship. Sometimes they do it because they don't want anyone to hold them accountable for their actions. Sometimes they do it to rekindle a relationship with a former drinking partner. Sometimes they do it because they feel insecure in the relationship, or next to the person they're in the relationship with. Sometimes they do it because the chase is more interesting than the relationship. Sometimes they do it because it's not exactly the way they imagined it. Sometimes they do it expecting the other person to come chasing after them, begging for another chance, so they can stroke their ego.
And sometimes they do it for no reason at all.
This is not a reflection on you.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I'm glad you found us. You're not alone.
Logic does not work with addicts.
Sometimes they will break up because they realize the difficulty they're putting those around them through. Sometimes they do it to prove to themselves that they had the power in the relationship. Sometimes they do it because they don't want anyone to hold them accountable for their actions. Sometimes they do it to rekindle a relationship with a former drinking partner. Sometimes they do it because they feel insecure in the relationship, or next to the person they're in the relationship with. Sometimes they do it because the chase is more interesting than the relationship. Sometimes they do it because it's not exactly the way they imagined it. Sometimes they do it expecting the other person to come chasing after them, begging for another chance, so they can stroke their ego.
And sometimes they do it for no reason at all.
This is not a reflection on you.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I'm glad you found us. You're not alone.
Living well is the best revenge. Chalk this up to a painful lesson learned, go get yourself a puppy, and keep on living. You are worth so much more.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
PinkLee:
Welcome to SR-a place where you will find lots of people who care about you.
Having been where you are, I can only echo what the others have said and to add that in the case of an addict, "no sense makes sense".
At one point my EXABF broke it off with me because I was "too cheap." He came up with so many reasons and always apologized afterward. He made one too many comments and I left after three years.
As a dog owner, I second what TuffGirl said-get the puppy...a much more loving (and cuter
) house mate!
Sending hugs your way......
Welcome to SR-a place where you will find lots of people who care about you.
Having been where you are, I can only echo what the others have said and to add that in the case of an addict, "no sense makes sense".
At one point my EXABF broke it off with me because I was "too cheap." He came up with so many reasons and always apologized afterward. He made one too many comments and I left after three years.
As a dog owner, I second what TuffGirl said-get the puppy...a much more loving (and cuter
) house mate!Sending hugs your way......
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi PinkLee!
This really has nothing to do with you......it has everything to do with addiction.
You ARE loveable.
You ARE a good person.
You ARE kind and generous and warm and beautiful.
I hope you will be feeling better soon. You deserve more respect than you have been given by this man.
Take good care, HG
This really has nothing to do with you......it has everything to do with addiction.
You ARE loveable.
You ARE a good person.
You ARE kind and generous and warm and beautiful.
I hope you will be feeling better soon. You deserve more respect than you have been given by this man.
Take good care, HG
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Welcome to SR. You have come to a fabulous place.
When I came here, almost 2 years ago (just read others posts in the beginning), I found this site because I had googled "Alcoholic Insanity". My boyfriend's thinking caused me to think that he might be suffering from such a thing.
What I learned was that trying to figure out an active alcoholic and make sense of his thoughts, comments and actions was causing ME to become insane. It's just not possible to do.
Thankfully, I stopped trying to figure him out. And I began to work on me.
I did do a lot of reading about Alcoholism (The Big Book of AA) at first, because it helped me to understand the disease. Doesn't matter how successful your exABF is, he can still be an active alcoholic. Many are.
Take care of you, most importantly. I have learned to bring myself flowers, and treat myself the way I would like to be treated. And it feels great
When I came here, almost 2 years ago (just read others posts in the beginning), I found this site because I had googled "Alcoholic Insanity". My boyfriend's thinking caused me to think that he might be suffering from such a thing.
What I learned was that trying to figure out an active alcoholic and make sense of his thoughts, comments and actions was causing ME to become insane. It's just not possible to do.
Thankfully, I stopped trying to figure him out. And I began to work on me.
I did do a lot of reading about Alcoholism (The Big Book of AA) at first, because it helped me to understand the disease. Doesn't matter how successful your exABF is, he can still be an active alcoholic. Many are.
Take care of you, most importantly. I have learned to bring myself flowers, and treat myself the way I would like to be treated. And it feels great
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7
I know he's my ex, so I shouldn't be concerned about his drinking anymore. However, I still feel like it affected me over the past 1.5 years. I feel like I devoted a lot of time to his needs, and I neglected my own needs. Also, how do we know that they are, in fact, alcoholics?
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by PinkLee
Also, how do we know that they are, in fact, alcoholics?
Ultimately, the answer to this question is, "Does it matter?" Do labels matter? Or do they just distract us from what we already know?
The simple truth is that his drinking is a problem for you, and that is the important part. Whether it's a problem for him or anyone else is a moot point.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Originally Posted by PinkLee
Hi everyone,
Is he really an alcoholic? Why is he blaming me? Why am I having a hard time realizing that I can do better? Any advice would be extremely helpful. I'm really trying to move on and be positive, but it is extremely difficult.
Is he really an alcoholic? Why is he blaming me? Why am I having a hard time realizing that I can do better? Any advice would be extremely helpful. I'm really trying to move on and be positive, but it is extremely difficult.
It's easier to blame than accept responsibility.
Because your a codie...just like the rest of us here.
Trust me honey you just dodged a bullet. read some more stories here and you'll see what I mean.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
I second all of the above, you are still going to have bad days missing this guy, but remind yourself that it's not the one you fell in love with-things have changed with him so it is now you that you need to look after. Find someone who doesn't think you are a depressing leech! Good luck
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