dollydo

Yes, your obsessing will get better as soon as the no contact begins.

The FB thing is a load of crap, he has the emotional IQ and smarts of a 15 year old boy.

No reason to respond to any of his garbage, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

You are going to be fine, keep moving forward, we are here for you.

Hugs and support...Dolly

chrisea

he would never give up on me like I have on him, quack quack WTF

I don't know your situation. But if it was anything like what I had & usually they are... What did he do for you to stay around... It's a 2 way street. In other words, when you are yrs away from this, you will wonder why it took so long to realize stuff. Like what did he do for you... other than cause you more bills...

This to shall pass.

halvsie

Exactly, quack quack!! He didn't do much except for bring his addictions into my life. And lying. And ranting and raving. And, what I call, the "pointing dance" where he'd get so mad that he'd hop around with his pointer fingers out pointing at, well, nothing. The dance was usually when I wouldn't believe his lies or allow him to blame me. Sometimes tears were present, then I'd think he's doing a special "pointing rain dance." Anything to have some humor and not break out into tears myself because I was miserable felt like crap.

So, am I relieved I'm not the scratching post/punching bag? Oh, hellz, yes, I'm relieved. Do I still feel like I'm cringing a little. Yep. The whole thing sucked. I've decided to work on my home and paint it the way I want it painted, graphics on the ceiling and all! Quackety McQuackerson can eat it.

halvsie

more quack, quack, quack, jibbah jabbah, quack, quack, quack!!!! Can't wait for this week to be over.

halvsie

Update: So, I've been pounded on but was able to keep my detachment. Except for one day on the phone with him. But, my tears were for me, not him and, most certainly, not for us....those tears dried up a long time ago. Because I did get sad, stbaxbf thought it was for him. Go figure, I didn't realize the alcoholic ego was THAT big and self engrossed. At the end of the conversation, for which he did participate (but it was probably all lip service now that I look back on what the disease does), I agreed (mostly due to my emotional state) to allow him to keep his larger furniture in my home til the end of the month because he doesn't have a place to keep them. WHAT A MISTAKE!!! Almost 24 hours later after he got his way, the shitstorm resumed because he must have believed he had a foot in the door again. I had the choice to allow him/us to continue the way we have been for the past almost two years, or to firmly put my foot down and give him 3 days, no more than that.

Needless to say, within 15 minutes, stbaxbf magically obtained his law degree and threatened me with police action, some type of law pig latin talk, and a few choice arguments from the past. I did call my sponsor because I didn't know what to do....I wasn't scared, just fed up. He had scheduled 3 different times and days to come get his stuff but no showed, not realizing or caring, or maybe just plain out sabotaging my work schedule....I can't afford to miss work. So, I guess if he loses me, then I get to lose my house which is the only concrete thing I have to prove I am not a statistic of childhood abuse. My sponsor wasn't home, so I took action. I did respond to the email, and several after that. My responses were all boundary setting ones and indifferent to his alcoholic needs. He continued to respond in a harassing manner, so I forwarded the emails to his best friend. I also texted said friend and asked him to support stbxabf to stay out of my hair and to quit bugging me. The friend agreed to accompany stbxabf to my home at scheduled times in order to be supportive to stbxabf and to avoid any arguments he is planning to start. Then the back pedalling emails started from stbxabf. I told him no more emails, texts, or phone calls; no communication until monday when and friend are here to remove as many items as possible. I also refused to discuss scheduling times tuesday and wednesday because I truly believe he has been sabotaging my work schedule. And I told him further contact in any manner will result in blocking his phone number and all email addresses. That worked.

I know involving his friend is considered triangulation, but I really needed help. Monday is going to be so crappy.

Freedom1990

I know it's easier said than done, but get back in the moment and deal with Monday when Monday gets here.

Take the weekend to relax and do some self-care. Put him and his crap on the shelf today.

halvsie

Thanks, Freedom. That's what my sponsor basically said. And, so what if his stuff is in the basement? It doesn't mean anything, even if he thinks it's a foot in the door. I gotta stop listening to my friends who don't go to al anon! I know they're just trying to help, but I gotta stop talking about him to them and focus on my program.

I painted today and may go out and meet some friends later.

dollydo

Lesson learned, it all takes practice, you are doing fine. Progress not perfection.

Do the deed on Monday, and keep moving forward.

My best....Dolly

LifeRecovery

I think you are doing great. I had three months of items in my house after my loved one moved before I could figure out how to get them out.

I learned a hard lesson, but it was one of those that I had to go through to learn.

mattmathews

At my Al-Anon meeting this week we talked about detachment. Actually, we talked about attachments--and the chair for the night listed some ways you can tell if your attachment to someone is unhealthy.
One thing I know for sure is that in the deep dark days of my relationship with my wife, with just a few words, she could make me absolutely crazy. (And of course the reverse was true as well).
So the other night, when I looked at that list of unhealthy attachments, what I realized is that they were all about me. Ways that I can tell, from the way I'm behaving or reacting whether the attachment is unhealthy. Am I obsessing? Am I being irritated? Am I interpreting? Am I reacting?
What I've learned, mostly thanks to Al-anon, is that is wasn't my wife that was making me crazy, it was how I reacted that was making me crazy. Other people can't control how I feel. I don't even control my feelings. But I can control how I react to my feelings. And to answer your earlier question: Yes, it can get better.
When you're in the depths of that craziness, you just need to get out. Go to another room, go for a drive, kick the bum out. They all work. You need to detach. You may not be able to "detach with love," but that can come later. First you just need to detach.
I believe we can learn, through programs like Al-Anon, healthier ways to deal with what's going on inside us. And when you think about it: That bum is out of your life, but how do you handle the situation next time it arises?
Keep coming back...it helps. Good luck on your journey.

fedup3

I hear you. I'm hoping you have an amazing life and this time will just be a bleep in it.

halvsie

Thank you all for your support. I do feel quieter inside. Until I found all the cat poop under his daughter's bed. The cat did it because the litter boxes weren't being cleaned out daily.....after two years, still, the question and dumb look,"Do the cat boxes need to be cleaned every day?" But, I did feel quieter. I mean, what can be done about it now, right? I just cleaned it up and threw away the ruined area rug....my favorite one. I didn't call him to bitch him out, didn't call/txt to tell him what happened. He doesn't need to know everything I'm going through when I find the irritating trail of destruction left in my house. Life with an alcoholic, eh?

And to REALLY test my detachment, his friend, who agreed to accompany stbaxbf tomorrow to get at least his clothes, called to tell me he has a sick kid who needs to go to the doctor. His friend said he can't come with stbaxbf tomorrow but could come on wednesday if my schedule allows it. I agreed without any complaints or comments.

I do feel somewhat annoyed or resentful that I cannot control this issue. But that's the whole point, right? I am powerless over alcohol, the addict, and my own feelings. My feelings will happen no matter how I try to control a situation. All I can do is find my center, my serenity, in the storm of it all and know and believe that this feeling shall pass and I will be ok. That other shoe will not drop if I don't shake the walls with my anger and fear of trying to control a situation in order for me to feel safer. I'll be ok at some point and I have to be ok with that being enough.

Freedom1990

There you go! Sorry it all got put off until Wednesday, but again, get back in the moment, and try to have a good day, dear!

It is frustrating to not have control over others, but that is where acceptance comes in, and the subsequent peace of mind.

You're okay today, I promise!

blwninthewind

Here's the thing. i'm proud of you for taking this head on but...you have GOT to let go. One of the first things you learn at alnon is that you have to take care of you. DETACH with love...which means no don't start a bonfire with his belongings but call him..(then email and text him too just for legal cover..print it and keep it!) and tell him his things will be right outside the garage doors at 6pm on XX day (24hours before trash pickup). If they are not picked up by midnight they will be put on the curb for trash pickup. You may even want to send a registered letter to that affect as well.

Now comes the hard part...WHO cares if he's mad that you've defriended him.
You need to get away from him. Suspend his phone service. Separate yourself from him entirely. Don't take calls from him. Block all emails...and you need to pretend he does not exist...because to you he doesn't or shouldn't.

I think you're forgetting that you are subjecting yourself to his ravings. You don't have to but you are choosing to and he's counting on that to weasel back in.

Alnon. Trust me. Alnon will make it easier for you to find your way and trust in what you know you need to do.

halvsie

I'm good. Talked with my sponsor. Thanks for the support. I finished posting under "gish" as I'm not fuming anymore. I'm done putting myself through that feeling, especially when I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.