I'm Back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 10
I'm Back
So here I am... 4 months being away and was finally "happy", or so I convinced myself. I don't have to tell anyone why I am back. Just that I know I am done. "No contact" has begun. He wrecked his dads truck, wasted, with his daughter in it at the time.This was last Wed. His parents will continue to enable and support him and that really isn't my issue now. I find I am so depressed. I literally have to force myself to get up and semi-function and I'm seeking advice from those that have gotten through those first few hard weeks. I didnt get out of bed for the first 4 days. I have no interest in anything. This was truly a surprise and smack in a face- although I know from all that I have read it shouldn't be. I truly feel as if he has died. And in my gut I believe he won't stop until he has. Things went so well for so long I had started building a future with him again. How do I move on? I took up roller derby and now have no interest in practicing that. I am not being the mother my kids deserve. I just want to hide under the covers and know I can't. I want to mourn and everyone is pushing me to move on. Advice? I'm so angry.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NH, USA
Posts: 24
I don't have much advice except to say take care of yourself, and try to find an Al-Anon meeting.
I cling to these boards in hard times, so I wanted to respond to your post and let you know some support is out here. Wiser folks will be along shortly, I'm sure.
As for not having any interest or getting out of bed, I can totally relate. I have felt that way, and one trick that has worked for me is the "5 minute" trick -- I tell myself that I can go back to bed/the couch/pointlessly surfing the web if I will just get up, get dressed, and walk outside for 5 minutes. Sometimes I really do just that and it doesn't work, but most times it jumpstarts me into at least remaining upright. Also, try to force yourself to do just ONE thing. Empty the dishwasher, fold a load of clothes, clean the bathtub. Even if just one thing is done, it is better than nothing.
Be kind to yourself. Little treats seem to help me -- flavored coffee, a bit of chocolate, a bath, a new song download.
Take care,
Kitty
I cling to these boards in hard times, so I wanted to respond to your post and let you know some support is out here. Wiser folks will be along shortly, I'm sure.
As for not having any interest or getting out of bed, I can totally relate. I have felt that way, and one trick that has worked for me is the "5 minute" trick -- I tell myself that I can go back to bed/the couch/pointlessly surfing the web if I will just get up, get dressed, and walk outside for 5 minutes. Sometimes I really do just that and it doesn't work, but most times it jumpstarts me into at least remaining upright. Also, try to force yourself to do just ONE thing. Empty the dishwasher, fold a load of clothes, clean the bathtub. Even if just one thing is done, it is better than nothing.
Be kind to yourself. Little treats seem to help me -- flavored coffee, a bit of chocolate, a bath, a new song download.
Take care,
Kitty
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
When the XA and I separated, I also went through a difficult time. I was angry, sad, frustrated. It is completely normal to mourn the loss of a relationship.
We all have to come to terms with our new reality. I did everything I could to keep my mind occupied and focused on the present day. At night I cried myself to sleep. It just takes time for it all to soak in, then you have to process it, and eventually I had to let it all go. I am POWERLESS over his addiction of alcohol.
I am concerned for you. Be very honest with yourself, and ask yourself if this situation and the way you are responding to it is : Interfering with your ability to manage you daily life? Perhaps a trip to your doctor is in order. I am sorry that you are hurting. I am sending you strength as you make a new life.
You did the right thing for you. You saved your kids from living in this toxic hell. One day they will be eternally grateful to you for loving them enough to get them out.
Give yourself permission to go forward in your new life.
keep posting, we are here, stick with us, there are some amazing people here. You are not alone.
We all have to come to terms with our new reality. I did everything I could to keep my mind occupied and focused on the present day. At night I cried myself to sleep. It just takes time for it all to soak in, then you have to process it, and eventually I had to let it all go. I am POWERLESS over his addiction of alcohol.
I am concerned for you. Be very honest with yourself, and ask yourself if this situation and the way you are responding to it is : Interfering with your ability to manage you daily life? Perhaps a trip to your doctor is in order. I am sorry that you are hurting. I am sending you strength as you make a new life.
You did the right thing for you. You saved your kids from living in this toxic hell. One day they will be eternally grateful to you for loving them enough to get them out.
Give yourself permission to go forward in your new life.
keep posting, we are here, stick with us, there are some amazing people here. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by KittyCopes 
I have felt that way, and one trick that has worked for me is the "5 minute" trick -- I tell myself that I can go back to bed/the couch/pointlessly surfing the web if I will just get up, get dressed, and walk outside for 5 minutes. Sometimes I really do just that and it doesn't work, but most times it jumpstarts me into at least remaining upright. Also, try to force yourself to do just ONE thing. Empty the dishwasher, fold a load of clothes, clean the bathtub. Even if just one thing is done, it is better than nothing.
Be kind to yourself. Little treats seem to help me -- flavored coffee, a bit of chocolate, a bath, a new song download.
As for the kids, I let myself have my 'down' times when they are away at school. They desperately need a parent who is functional and there for them. They need to come home to a clean house and dinner planned. I go through the motions during the day so that I can give them this normalcy when they come home. It really does help. Try the 15 minute timer thing, or get out of the house, even if it's just to take a drive.
Agree on the little treats that help. A special drink or food. Rent a movie that makes you feel happy, etc.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
OMG. As I sit here (I managed to get a shower at least), telling myself I HAVE TO GET OFF MY REAR and do something.
If it wasn't so depressing, I'd laugh at the irony of finding your message...about being depressed and unmotivated.
Ok, so I managed a smile. That's a step forward, right?
If it wasn't so depressing, I'd laugh at the irony of finding your message...about being depressed and unmotivated.
Ok, so I managed a smile. That's a step forward, right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 10
Thanks for the responses guys :-) I work full time... so after calling in 2 days- then not getting out of bed on the weekend (my kids were with their dad) I knew I had to at least function while they are around. Its funny when I get busy I find my mood starts to lift, I even caught myself humming at work today. Then I remember what has happened in the past week and BAM! tears... I'm sure it will just take time. It is hard to have no contact as well. Even though I have given up on a relationship with him, I havent given up hope that he can one day be who I know is in there. It is wonderful to have this place to vent.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
It's a roller coaster of emotions when we start to actually recognize that we have emotions - it's like they've been suppressed for so long that we don't really understand what they are or what we're supposed to do with them.
I know I was an emotional wreck at first. I spent a lot of time crying in my car... Also, while the average cat will come to comfort someone when they're upset, Peaches will actually run from me when I'm in a particular kind of mood, because she remembers all the times I nearly squeezed her to death.
That said, the more I let the emotions come, and the more I expressed them, the more organized they became and the less they bounced all over the place. It takes awhile, but you'll get there.
I know I was an emotional wreck at first. I spent a lot of time crying in my car... Also, while the average cat will come to comfort someone when they're upset, Peaches will actually run from me when I'm in a particular kind of mood, because she remembers all the times I nearly squeezed her to death.
That said, the more I let the emotions come, and the more I expressed them, the more organized they became and the less they bounced all over the place. It takes awhile, but you'll get there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 30
It seems like a bad dream, but then you realize "Oh, wait. This is my life!".
What I have learned from those wiser than me here on the SR boards is that it's "one foot in front of the other" and it's OK to take it day by day, or even hour by hour or minute by minute if you have to. And, believe me, there were times when I had to almost take it second by second. But, as you mentioned, there are also parts of your day where you will find yourself forgetting...and almost feeling normal again...only for it all to come rushing back. That's where SR has been a real lifesaver.
As nodaybut2day shared with me it's also a good idea to continue taking care of yourself and the basics:
H = hungry...please eat, even in small amounts. You need some fuel.
A = angry...this is where Al-Anon, friends, family and SR come in.
L = lonely...again with Al-Anon, friends, family and SR
T = tired...if you can't sleep, then try to rest.
Sending happy thoughts your way!
YB
What I have learned from those wiser than me here on the SR boards is that it's "one foot in front of the other" and it's OK to take it day by day, or even hour by hour or minute by minute if you have to. And, believe me, there were times when I had to almost take it second by second. But, as you mentioned, there are also parts of your day where you will find yourself forgetting...and almost feeling normal again...only for it all to come rushing back. That's where SR has been a real lifesaver.
As nodaybut2day shared with me it's also a good idea to continue taking care of yourself and the basics:
H = hungry...please eat, even in small amounts. You need some fuel.
A = angry...this is where Al-Anon, friends, family and SR come in.
L = lonely...again with Al-Anon, friends, family and SR
T = tired...if you can't sleep, then try to rest.
Sending happy thoughts your way!
YB
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I have not gone through divorce but I have gone through a sad breakup with an active alcoholic.
The HALT rule is wonderful.
H Hungry? focus on getting a meal. That's all. Once that is done, move to the next letter.
Post breakup I was super depressed, angry, resentful, it was by far the WORST times of my life. Keep posting ButIKnowBetter. Its a mourning process, it will be a rollercoaster, just hang in there and know Peace is at the end of this process. I never believed it but its true. I thought life was ending and it turned out life was just beginning for me! Today I smile often and laugh and I would go through it all again in exchange of the life lessons I have learned, the peace I feel, the good company I have chosen in terms of friends (just a couple but worth everything), the mental clarity, the physical health.
Granted things are far from perfect but remember even if it doesn't feel like it, there is much to look forward to, you are still writing your own story, and of course I know nothing about parenting but am of the idea that hiding emotions from kids is not that good, perhaps they can see you are sad, and learn it is OK, you can still take care of yourself anyway, be compassionate and become your own best friend... perhaps trying to hide this from the kids is adding even more stress or pressure?
(I say this because my family is full of harmful secrets.. I guess only a therapist would know what's better and age-appropiate)
Know that we care a lot about YOU. Better times ahead. I promise
One hour, one minute at a time.
The HALT rule is wonderful.
H Hungry? focus on getting a meal. That's all. Once that is done, move to the next letter.
Post breakup I was super depressed, angry, resentful, it was by far the WORST times of my life. Keep posting ButIKnowBetter. Its a mourning process, it will be a rollercoaster, just hang in there and know Peace is at the end of this process. I never believed it but its true. I thought life was ending and it turned out life was just beginning for me! Today I smile often and laugh and I would go through it all again in exchange of the life lessons I have learned, the peace I feel, the good company I have chosen in terms of friends (just a couple but worth everything), the mental clarity, the physical health.
Granted things are far from perfect but remember even if it doesn't feel like it, there is much to look forward to, you are still writing your own story, and of course I know nothing about parenting but am of the idea that hiding emotions from kids is not that good, perhaps they can see you are sad, and learn it is OK, you can still take care of yourself anyway, be compassionate and become your own best friend... perhaps trying to hide this from the kids is adding even more stress or pressure?
(I say this because my family is full of harmful secrets.. I guess only a therapist would know what's better and age-appropiate)
Know that we care a lot about YOU. Better times ahead. I promise
One hour, one minute at a time.
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