woody25

I apologize upfront if I offend anyone but this has been nuilding and needs to come out so bail now if you are easily offended....

I have just about had enough with the whole AA thing and my w being an alcoholic...it sure seems like a convenient place to hide from reality, fall, get up and be supported for "failing". Judge me as "non" believer becasue I don't get the whole "i'm in a cloud", I don't know who I am, don't expect anything I'm in recovery bulls**it!!

Why does this only applie to those with a substance abuse problem...I mean if I had a problem shoplifting I wouldn't be viewed by soceity with a sickness, nor would their be a group to pat me on the back and say it's ok, try again tommorrow

The whole alcoholic thing, with my W, I question...to me it's just a way to explain her shortcomings and betrayal. Really...by definition the criteria she meets to an AW is the # of drinks consumed ina week. Most of the people that live on my street meet that #. Ironic that it was never an issue until she had to face the music about her affair...now it's i'm an alcoholic i need to get sober...wait did I mention she wasn't drunk/drinking at the time in fact it was so well planned that I only found out because she was drunk...thank god for that...ugggggg I Just want to get out of my head!!!!

Pelican

Welcome to the Family!

This place and Alanon meetings are the only places where you meet complete strangers and finish each other's sentences. We understand each other!

You are not alone in feeling like your AW is using her 'condition' to avoid responsibility for her actions.

We have a saying:
"Be patient, more will be revealed"

In this case, it may be revealed that she is not really working on her recovery but just trying to get folks off her back.
OR - It may be that she becomes remorseful and begins to make real, lasting changes in her life.

In both those cases:
You did not Cause this
You can not Control this
You can not Cure this

Let the addict own her addiction, her consequences, her recovery and her choices.

Your life is important too.
What are you doing to help yourself deal with the betrayal, manipulation, blame-shifting, lies that became a part of your daily life?

Please feel free to vent and post as much as needed. We are here 24/7.

This is a link to a post that contains some steps that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism in my home:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

retswerb

I know what you are feeling Woody. I found out about my husbands affair because he was too drunk to cover it up properly. He would pass out in the middle of emailing her or texting her while I was in the other room. I would come downstairs to gather him up only to see what he was doing. Once when he continued to have contact with her and i called him on it, he said "I'm sorry, if I hadn't been drinking I wouldn't have been emailing her again" I was furious. The first email was timed a good couple hours before the first drink of the evening was poured. How dare he use that as an excuse! Its a cop out.

The best was when he told me he didn't drink at all the whole weekend he spent with her. I told him maybe that is a healthier relationship for him to be in and he should consider going to live with her.

I don't have much to add about AA. We haven't made it down that road yet. But I know how frustrating it can be when they use one inexcusable behavior as an excuse for another.

welcome - this is really a great place to get your feelings out and to not feel so alone.

m1k3

Woody, the information you are getting on AA, who is that coming from? Your wife? If so why would you believe her any more about this than anything else? I honestly don't know anything about AA but there are several AA members who attend the same Al-Anon meetings that I go to and that is not the feeling I get from them. Of course they have been sober for a long time and are strong in their recoveries.

Now what are you going to do about your recovery? Please consider going to Al-Anon. It was a lifesaver for me and I mean that literally. It has given me the tools and support to go from a very dark place, much like where you are now and begin to heal and even enjoy life. Hard to believe but 6 months ago I thought death, mine, hers, didn't matter, was the only way for the pain to stop to I am happy and life is good.

You can get better. Her drinking is her problem. You don't have to solve it for her. Focus on you and your recovery and figure the rest out later when you are in a better place to handle it.

Your friend,

PurpleWilder

Have you ever considered going to an open AA meeting to see what it is about? An open meeting is an AA meeting in which both alcoholics seeking AA's help and those who have questions about AA can both attend. A closed meeting is for alcoholics only. But IMHO, in the interest of peace-making if you choose to go to an open meeting you might want to try to chose one that is not connected to the ones your wife may be attending. Not to mention that attending a few meetings on your own will get you the truth of how AA operates and will cut down on the manipulations you may get on how it works.

I'm not suggesting that you go to an open meeting and unload your frustration. I get how you feel. But maybe sitting in on a meeting or two and just reflecting on what you hear may help you to clarify how you feel.

Please note: I am not saying that what you are feeling is right or wrong here. Some people do use AA as a cop-out---"Hey, I'm an alcoholic! I'm not responsible!! I'm just sick!" As someone else mentioned, you are only seeing AA as filtered through your wife. Try to get a look at it from other alcoholics that are further on in their recovery. Many others truly engage in the Steps and use the program to rebuild their lives.

LifeRecovery

Woody-

With your title I was not sure what to expect from your post.

What I did hear was a lot of hurt and pain.

That I can certainly relate to both from the standpoint of loving many people with addictions in my life and my own recovery from life with an eating disorder.

For my recovery to help with the hurt and pain the following have helped:
-Al-anon (and some open AA meetings)
-an individual counselor versed in addictions
-A lot of reading on the disease of addiction
-because an affair was involved in my relationship a lot of reading on affairs also.

Sending warm thoughts your way.

woody25

Than you all for your comments, I was in abad place yesterday...Since than I went to see my counselor who helped see some things from an outsider's perspective...I calmed down and my wife and I talked alot.

She fell off last night, but that's ok, I have come to learn in the last 24 hours that she uses alcohol to reduce her inhibitions to be able to talk about the things that she has buried...finally something that I can relate to.

Glad I found this place...have a great holiday!!!