lgib814

My boyfriend of 13 years has been drinking again after 10 years of sobriety. When I first met him and we became involved he was drinking heavily every night. Most nights he would drink and then come over drunk late at night. That all came to a head when he got a couple of DUIs and ended up in jail for 60 days. It was actually a locked down facility that is also a treatment program. I supported his recovery, took him to AA meetings and was with him through it all. After that he stayed sober for 10 years. He built up a great business, has become a stellar business man with a great reputation.

His father passed away 3 years ago and he was left to deal with a mother who is quite difficult in addition to the tremendous loss he's felt in dealing with his father's death.

About a year and a half ago he started to have a beer, which then progressed to martinis. He started to only come around about 3 nights a week and I thought he was at his mother's the other nights. Anyway, needless to say our relationship was strained. I've tried to get him back to recovery, but I wasn't getting anywhere. If he gets another DUI it's prison this time. We had an issue a few weeks back and I wasn't sure where our relationship was headed. I agonized with a heavy heart about calling his sisters and finally I did. I figured even if our relationship didn't survive, I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to him or someone else due to his drinking. Well his sisters confronted him and he figured out that I must have been involved and now he hasn't talked to me.
Did I do the right thing?

suki44883

I don't know. How old is your boyfriend? What did you hope would happen if you told his family? You do realize that no matter who wants him in recovery, unless he wants it for himself, it ain't gonna happen, right? Assuming he begins talking to you again, how long are you willing to hang in there if he doesn't seek recovery?

NYCDoglvr

Do you think his family can control his drinking any more than you did?

marie1960

I can understand you reaching out to his family for support. I learned the hard way on this subject. I made the mistake of speaking to A's brother once. That did not have a good outcome. In retrospect, I think I made myself look like the one who was out of control. (Family tends to side with their own)

We are talking about an adult grown man here, right ? Sad to say, but there is nothing you can say or do for him. He is responsible for his recovery. Until he chooses not to drink again and seek help, you are just wasting your breath.........

Keep reading and posting, alot of wisdom on these boards. All my best to you.

bayness0

I am finding the same thing about family siding with there own. Unfortunately there are a lot of her family around here. My main motive was to see if someone else could help her (i think, I don't think I wanted it to hurt them as I could tell so many other things).

They all think I am an awful control freak.

Terminally Unique

I can't tell you if you did the right thing or not, but I can understand why you did it. Some people told my family about my drinking, and in contrast to what some others are saying about family siding with their own, my family came down on me like a ton of bricks. Yes, I resented them (a lot!) for snitching, but I wouldn't say it was wrong for them to do it, either.

I realize that this is an Al-Anon forum, but from the perspective of someone who was addicted, I can say that if the family stands their ground and applies pressure, it can produce results. It did with me, at least, although I will grant that I rejected the approach that they wanted me to take in how to quit.

daughter333

No one can say whether it was right or wrong. From a positive note, it is probably good that his family knows what is going on so they don't put up with his BS. Where things become gray is whether you wanted them to come down on him so that he would start being a good partner for you again. If that's the case you may wait a long time (maybe forever) for that to happen.

sugarbear1

Have you worked an al anon program in those 10 years?

MTSlideAddict

I’m not sure whether in your situation if it was right or wrong, however, I personally found it to be helpful when I informed my AH's family. I lived with my AH in my codependency state for years riding the roller coaster ride by myself. My family new, but none of his did. It killed me. I too battled with if it was my place or not to tell his family. One day, for some reason, I had the intuition to tell his father about my AH’s alcoholism and its severity. His family didn’t take sides, in my case, but was concerned with how he was living his life. It worked almost in a form of an intervention for him, and support for me. Now I wasn’t alone, and his secret was out. No more drinking with his unknowing brother, or “I’m sick” excuses to get out of gatherings. Of course you cannot force the alcoholic to stop drinking, but in my case I believed it made it harder for my AH to conceal his alcoholism. It made him face the truth. My AH continued drinking despite the families knowledge, but I believe it had given him the support he was lacking when he was in secret. Even now, as my AH is going through recovery and working an outpatient program, he has leaned on his family for support.

lgib814

I don't know, but I felt that if our relationship didn't survive, his family should be aware.

lgib814

I have not until recently. In the past 10 years there was not one time that he drank and I was naive enough to think that would continue.

Thlayli

Funny that you posted this today. I had been struggling with this even since AH lost his freaking mind about 6 weeks ago. He had the same slow descent that yours did...a couple years of sobriety before deciding a drink or two was okay occasionally. For about 6 weeks now he's been binging a couple times a week and doing some serious gambling. He's also suddenly decided that he never wants to see his son again (3 years old - we have him 60% of the time).

It is in my nature to reach out to people when I am struggling with something. I really, really hesitated about contacting his mom though. I thought she should know but also didn't want her to stress out about something she couldn't do anything about. DH suddenly decided he is going up to stay with them for about a week and I decided that I should tell her a little about what's going on.

I hate the drinking/gambling/drug use but I also really hope that she can somehow convince him not to make such a sweeping change about his son so suddenly.

I always wish I knew what I was doing was the "right" thing. I guess it's not that easy though. I don't think you did the wrong thing and there was probably some "right" to it too.

I'm a little inclined to say that, if he's mad and won't talk to you, then it must be "right." Did you ever watch Seinfeld? The one where George figures out that it's best to do the opposite of what he thinks he should do? That's almost what I feel our ASOs need to do and how we need to feel about their responses. If they're mad...you done good Slightly tongue-in-cheek of course.

choublak

I told my boyfriend's parents about his drinking problem, but they had already known anyway. He is not mad at me or anyone else.

Were his sisters completely in the dark about this? Sometimes the family will know but the addict doesn't know they know. If his sisters already knew (or at least had an idea), whether or not you did the right thing is kind of a mute point.

wellnowwhat

I struggle with this, too.

If you tell someone to keep them from getting in the car with a drunk driver or to prevent drunk driving, no question: you've done the right thing.

If you tell someone to protect children, same thing: you've done the right thing.

Alanon literature says that we don't have to protect the secrecy of the alcoholic who is not in a program and that in doing so we may be delaying their recovery. However, I think we have to examine our motives in telling someone about another person's addiction. Might some good come from sharing the information? Is our side of the street clean?

It's tough to know whether it is right or not. And once you share this information, you cannot take it back.

From the circumstances you've shared, I think you are o.k. You want to protect their safety.

Freedom1990

If you are attending Alanon, I encourage you to continue. Alanon is for us, not the alcoholic. There isn't a single area in my life that hasn't been helped by the steps and principles of Alanon.

EnoughisEnough7

In my situation, I actually waited longer than I should have to inform my AH’s family. We had been married so long, that his family had become like a part of my family as well. Also, I waited when his drinking had become very obviously destructive and serious.

His drinking had gotten so bad by the time his family was told, it had completely changed everything about him. He was falling apart and really couldn’t even work anymore. His behavior was becoming bizarre and totally out of character. I felt his family deserved an explanation for these reasons - as well why we could no longer come to visit or why we couldn’t have people visit us - and eventually I had to explain to them why we were living apart.

When I approached telling my AH’s immediate family after many years ... it was with the same intent that you would if they needed to be told about any serious life altering illness - it was not done with the intent to control anything or to be vindictive, it was done with compassion and concern for all those involved. I know I would want to know if my brother had a serious relapse in what could end up being a terminal disease.

It can be a dicey situation if his family is in denial ... however, if it is done with compassion and concern for his well being, hopefully they will be understanding and even feel appreciative.