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when does the hurt stop?

Old 08-19-2011, 07:12 AM
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when does the hurt stop?

I am doing all the steps in my own codependent recovery. Its been a few months now and to the outside world I appear strong and like I am doing well. However on the inside I am still sad and pain exists as much as it did when my AH was lying in bed next to me. I am so tired of hurting and missing the man and father that is no longer. Can someone help me and tell me how to deal with this pain I feel?
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Old 08-19-2011, 07:43 AM
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Just dont stop trying. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. There will always be the bad days and if you dont give up they turn into only hours or minutes. I know it is hard we have all been there. Sometimes I think it real sucks how hard I have to work on getting better when I dont think I have been the one that did anything wrong. If we dont take care of ourselves no one will. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 08-19-2011, 02:32 PM
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My heart goes out to you as well. Brought tears to my eyes to read your post. I don't know the answer but I know not to give up. Just hang in there..you'll get through it.
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Old 08-19-2011, 02:53 PM
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Time- and remember the "bad" stuff.......4 yrs. after my divorce from AH I am 97% grateful I am out- at first 4yrs. ago I was 97% SAD.
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Old 08-19-2011, 05:37 PM
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I was feeling sadness and pain myself before I found this forum just an hour ago! I can't tell you what to do but I can share what I've been working on myself.

I have found the further I separate myself from my ex and the more I focus on the present and on myself the happier I am. When I think about him the grief, pain and feelings of loss are still there inside me, it's almost been a year since we separated. However the time I feel these painful feelings is shorter and shorter. I acknowledge the grief but I try not to feed it. I think it is very normal to feel the way I do, I love him, I miss the happy times, I have grief, regret, remorse, but I do not miss the mess that our relationship had for the most part become.

When I find I am thinking judgmentally about him or my past behavior I try to replace the thoughts with loving compassion, compassion for him and compassion for myself. I did my best, he did his best I remind myself. When I find that I am rehashing the past or missing him I ask myself "where am I now, what am I doing now, am I happy?", it re-centers me and the answer is usually "I am here, I am ______, yes, I am happy".

I am experiencing more of a happiness and connection to myself then I ever recall feeling. I am so happy now, not that I don't have my down times, but I am reconnected with a joy and contentment I never knew existed before. The surest way for me to forget my happiness and experience stress, insecurity and worry is to start thinking about my ex. It's a blast from the past! A past I do not want to bring into my present. Distract, distract! Those memories are like a hungry monster, the more I feed them the scarier it becomes, the unhappier I become. I could wallow in misery for days, but I don't want to.

We both experienced so much suffering, enough is enough! We did have some wonderful times though, beautiful times. The difficulty doesn't invalidate the delight, I am grateful for it all. The greater self awareness and growth I have experienced as a result is precious.

I know now without doubt (though I sometimes forget) that life is a blessing and a gift. I try to never forget the beauty each moment can hold. The end of a relationship is a loss, grief is understandable, but it can also be an opportunity. I can give energy to my suffering or give energy to my full acceptance of what is. In each moment I have choice and an opportunity. When I focus on what is instead of what was or what might be I am present and alive. Things change, feelings change, I try to remember this. Pain is not forever, joy is not forever. All of this is part of life and when I am focused on myself and in the moment I am able to be an active participant in creating a life I can enjoy instead of a victim of my unconscious fears and negative coping mechanisms.

Best wishes!
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Old 08-19-2011, 09:56 PM
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I still hurt so much every day. One thing I have discovered about crying is that I always stuffed it before because everyone around me wants the best for me, and they would say, "Don't cry over him, he's not worth it". Well, if I feel like crying now, and I'm driving or alone, I just do, feel better, and the sadness lifts. If I don't get it out, it's worse. I have to do my half hour of AlAnon reading in the morning and then I journal how I'm feeling. Always thought that wasn't important --boy, was I wrong, I've almost written an entire book already! I go down the list of my AlAnon group and call someone if I'm sad; if they can't talk, I move down the list. When you are lonely, write a gratitude list of your blessings, even though you don't feel like it. And most importantly, always remind yourself to look at all of your reality with him, not just the moments you want to remember. Things will pop into my head, and I will say to myself, "Oh yeah, he trashed my self-esteem that time.." I surely don't miss giving him my power to control how I feel about myself. For me, he caught me at a vulnerable time in my life; honestly, if I had been feeling better about ME when we met, the giant red flags would have been much more apparent; I just chose to not see them...
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Old 08-20-2011, 12:34 AM
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Its a lonely night. He has our daughter overnight and Im all alone and reading these posts gives me comfort. I guess I just hurt so much. I understand he has a disease and whats done is done. I just hate bursting into tears out of nowhere because the pain is overwhelming. Sometimes I want to drink or take a pill not to feel this way and then I realize that is the same behavior that cost my husband his family! So, instead I take to my trusty computer and post here. I journaled tonight, watched a movie, did work, had homework, did laundry and yet when I lay my head on the pillow at the end of the night, I am alone and it hurts like hell.
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Old 08-20-2011, 01:41 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I journaled tonight, watched a movie, did work, had homework, did laundry and yet when I lay my head on the pillow at the end of the night, I am alone and it hurts like hell.
You did well tonight. Sometimes you have to let these feelings run their course
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Old 08-20-2011, 04:48 AM
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I think that we do ourselves a disservice by trying to move too fast past the painful part.
There is a lot to heal inside of you. this is not just about losing your man and life with him; it goes deeper than that and a lot get stirred up.

For me, the pain started to really ease when I really truly gave up the dream.
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Old 08-20-2011, 07:14 AM
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One way that really helped me process was to keep a journal. Writing out my thoughts and emotions was cathartic and I always feel better when I do. Plus, it seems to "gel" my thoughts by seeing them on paper (or screen).
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Old 08-20-2011, 09:28 AM
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I feel your pain. I hope today is a better day, one filled with a little more calm and peace.

I agree that giving up the dreams we had for our marriage and family were equally A's hard As giving up my actual AH. It's true that there are many good times to remember. But there was a legit, real problem that brought this break on. No doubt, it hurts like hell.

The movie in my head of anniversaries, future trips, our kids weddings, just enjoying our kids childhoods together- all that is hard to turn off. It makes me cry a lot too. Also, certain songs will just set me off. It sounds like your empty house really triggered you last night.

I think we do need to feel the sadness and sometimes just cry. You look strong to the outside b/c you really are strong. Making scary, life altering decisions about your families future is prob a fear you never thought u would need to face. But you did. And each day you stick to it, you honor yourself. I admire your honesty.

It sometimes helps me to think of alcoholism as an awful demon. He stole my husband, he stole our future, he stole the dad our kids could have had, he stole all of the dreams and hopes for my family. But..... If I let him steal my peace or my joy (even though there is just a little joy right now), then he won again. We are stronger and we deserve all the good things in life. I refuse to let the alcoholism take anything or any more moments. It has already taken enough!

Many hugs. God bless
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Old 08-20-2011, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
One way that really helped me process was to keep a journal. Writing out my thoughts and emotions was cathartic and I always feel better when I do. Plus, it seems to "gel" my thoughts by seeing them on paper (or screen).
Journaling has also helped me tremendously. It gets me out of my head and onto paper where I can see where I am at.

I grieved for a long time after I left my EXAH. Unfortunately I short-circuited that process by throwing myself into one bad relationship after another, trying to "fill" myself that way. I definitely don't recommend that!

I found myself finishing the grieving years later after I hit my codependent bottom in relationships.

Grief is a very individual process with no time table, and I am sorry you are still hurting.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 08-20-2011, 09:39 AM
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I am newly separated and have four kids. I so feel your pain. I am grieving so much the loss of my beautiful husband and the father he once was, the dream of growing old together and being a team. I miss the man he used to be. It feels like a death.

I hear someone talk about how much they love their spouse and it's all I can do not to cry. I feel left out. I feel like a failure. Reminders of what I'm losing are all around me.

I have felt in a very dark place for three months now, BUT I'm emerging. I finally realized that I have to take charge of my own emotions; I can't let my AH have that power any longer.

Last night I climbed into my big, empty bed. I felt very sad. And then I remembered having dinner with my kids last night, and how I actually laughed so hard tears came to me, and put my arms around my daughter and told her how much I adored her. For a moment felt so much freedom and love. I realized I hadn't laughed or been so spontaneous for so long. There are more and more moments like this; they are coming more frequently.

Don't be afraid to grieve, but don't be afraid to live either.
Disentangling from love and a dream is a long process. Hang in there.
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