Mambo Queen

Honestly, I've tried it. More than once. More than the recommended six times. I haven't felt like I've gotten a whole lot out of it. I have felt like I've gotten a lot out of my therapist, and I do plan to step up my sessions. And I am feeling more and more ready to figure out a way out of this mess for me, and so if therapy alone isn't going to cut it, maybe it's time to reinvestigate.

My main objection to it has been that the majority of the people in the meetings I have gone to are still married to their alcoholics, and I don't really feel like I relate to that. Someone married to their alcoholic isn't going to relate to the feeling I have where I'm scared of him being homeless.

marie1960

Seriously Mambo, if he ends up homeless it is because that is what he has chosen. He is a grown adult male. His actions and consequences are his, and he gets to own those actions.

I understand you care, but you have to stop putting yourself out there. The choice is yours. Do you want to be healthy and sane? Or are you going to ride the crazy rollercoaster somemore?

MeredithD1

So briefly as I can, I'll tell you.

My MIL's AXH told their 3 kids he would kill himself if she left him, and told them to tell her that.

She explained to the kids that

1. she didn't believe he would kill himself, and
2. if he had gone into recovery from alcohol, she would not have left him, and
3. she was going to live her life and make her choices, and their father would have to do the same.

Twenty years later, she is living in another state, happily married to my FIL.

Her AXH is remarried and very much alive and still a practicing A.

Mambo Queen

I'm going to let it go now with this.

I hear the message.

Whatever I've done thus far to be rid of this drama has not been enough.

I need to take the final step towards freedom, and not worry about, or hear about, his reaction.

I'm going to make this the focus of my life, as much as I can as a single mother with a full-time, demanding job, because I need to be through with it. It has gone on too long.

I love hearing stories like the one you just shared, Meredith. They help me to realize I'm not being cruel if I "turn my back on someone in need".

I think more than anything that is what I have ingrained in me that I need to rid myself of to be free of this.

That and being OK with stillness in my life.

Thank you to everyone for your replies, and if anyone has any more stories of people who have overcome similar situations, for some reason, that more than anything speaks to me and helps me take the steps to free myself. For example, I take great comfort from many of Laurie's posts, where she talks about being homeless, having her family turn their backs on her because of her addiction, and how ultimately it helped her save herself. It helps me realize that not "helping" is actually the only help that matters.

Thanks again. I am feeling stronger tonight realizing that I'm not torn into tatters because of the news I received today.

Mambo Queen

You're right. I've been blaming him so much, for keeping me stuck, and I haven't had the courage to believe that it's me doing that, and that I can stop it. I've played victim to my emotions too, and I'm tired of doing that. I think it comes down to feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It's the only way I've been able to make any progress thus far. This bolt of lightening that I keep hoping will come isn't something I have control over. My actions are. Thanks for reinforcing that message.

Fandy

I assure you that your EX will survive and drink away his life without your constant "intervention".... If you cannot let go completely, just do it for the first month and assess at the end of the month that you DO FEEL better about yourself and your CURRENT relationship.

I mean zero contact, block the phone calls, texts, emails, don't ask the neighbor friend with the keys, don't call family...just stay away...CAN you do this?

Like someone said, your cureent BF should really be your focus of attention...he must have the patience of Job.

ANEWAUGUST

If your X were to end up homeless, you didn't cause that to happen, alcoholism did.

If your X were to end his life, you didn't cause that, alcoholism did.

You aren't that powerful. None of us are. We can't stop them from drinking, but, we can stop them from killing themselves?

That is the insanity of alcoholism and how it infects everyone it comes in contact with.

Al-Anon helps you to process thru all of this, wether you live with an active alcoholic or not. Not everyone in Al-Anon is there because they are staying with their spouse. Some are there because of a parent, child or other loved one. It teaches us to recognize what we can do, and how we can do it to survive.

It sounds like you are still held hostage to this disease., his disease.

Maybe you could give Al-Anon another chance? What could it hurt?

JenT1968

clearly he gets something out of being in contact with you - emotional strokes, perhaps a feeling that he can't have treated you that badly if you are still talking to him, he can't be a real alcoholic, I've no idea what exactly, and neither do you, really, but you continue to supply whatever it is despite it causing you pain. He can feel you pulling further away, so he ramps up the emoitional hooks that have always worked before. I am not saying he does this consciously, but none the less does it AND lines up a back-up (another ex - which he tells you about, there are probably more suppliers of whatever he gets from you on the back-burner that he hasn't told you about). Perhaps if you could give yourself a decent amount of space away from contact with him, you could use that time to work out what you get in return from this transaction - that isn't meant to be snarky - I found that when I am being overtly compassionate or doing "good deeds", putting myself last sometimes it's because it makes me feel like less of a "bad" person, that actually I have fairly low self esteem, so I am unable to take the onslaught of self-critism that putting my self first would bring on. So actually, what I defend as a selfless act, is actually all about me. Other times I like to feel that I am special. Well, I am special, but not in the "only-I-can help", "without-me-X-is doomed" way. My specialness is entirely unconnected with my feelings, hopes or fears about other people's lives.

it is not bad, or selfish or horrible or uncaring or unchristian or kicking someone when they are down or abandoning or whatever bad thoughts you have about this to remove yourself to a safe distance from a person with whom contact causes you damage. Make no mistake this IS damaging you. All of this head-space taken up with worries over him - it accomplishes nothing and takes you away from looking after yourself - you cannot give your daughter 2 useful, healthy, parents - but you can give her one: you.

There are still days when I have to get my mind in a head-lock and wrestle it's attention away from the ex's words/hooks/etc. It's hard, and I'm a ssssslllllooooowwww learner, so I get how unfamiliar this is, and painful, when I do it's like picking up stones in my head and all manner of nasties come crawling out from under there, that I have to look at and deal with, but it has been worth it, very much so. (())

Carol Star

AA has a saying they don't have relationships/ they take hostages........

Ladybug0130

It is hard to let go, I know. I have gone totally no contact with my STBXAH who has messed up his life royally due to his alcoholism. He is in extended rehab, unemployed, has no money, and huge medical and credit card bills. Sometimes I actually start to worry about him, having thoughts like, when he comes out of rehab, what is he going to do?! I have to realize it's just not my problem and people can bounce back from worse if they really want to.

TakingCharge999

I was reading this post, and I see your relationship with him could also be the one you have with yourself, MQ...
The others are mirrors of how we are treating ourselves... I truly believe this.

Let me rephrase some of anvil's ideas...

you refuse to have a life that does not include him.

MQ, you refuse to have a life that includes ... YOU. You, free, with a good job, a good man, a good kid, health... you have everything to be happy.

.it is not he that holds on to you, it is YOU that hold on to him.

MQ, it might be that you are the one holding on to Your Old Self, what you have always known.. perhaps what you fear is Serenity?? I totally identify with this feeling... and self boycott often. New things are scary. But they are Gifts from Above. In my case.. I only knew depression, abandonment. A Gray Life. I do not fear pain or solitude or rejection as much as before.. I know all that... those are well known to me at this point!! but hey, give me some loving compassion, attention, peace, JOY, recognition and OH BOY will I be trembling and scared.


you do not see him as a fully separate entity....

MQ, you do not see yourself as a fully separate entity, an independent being with her own destiny, thoughts, dreams, choices, and right to be happy.


you've done your best to help KEEP him in this needy desperate hungry state, feeding him bits of bread and water, instead of opening the door to the cage and setting him free.

MQ, you have done your best to keep engaged and keep suffering, feeding yourself bits of bread and water, instead of opening the door to set the man free.. when you do it.. you´ll realize the man was never under your control anyway, and the one that is now free is YOU. Well, that is how I have been experiencing my mourning of loved ones (or more like Ideas of loved ones) lately.


Hugs to you.