Mambo Queen

I have talked about my own co-dependency issues with regards to my ex-husband quite a bit on this board, helping him out financially, etc. But I've recently taken some steps to at least get more ready to cut the apron strings and let him sink or swim on his own. And I've pulled back dramatically on contact (which admittedly has been easier to do now than at other times because he has been in a big drunk for at least a week now, and he's pretty easy to not want to talk to when he's drunk and demanding). Well today he called about our daughter's soccer practice (something he says he wants to attend when he's sober), and he sounded relatively normal so I called him back.

He told me that he's still so in love with me he can't stand it, that he's never been like this before with any of his previous exes and can't understand why he's like this with me, that he feels like his obsession with me is going to kill him and that he feels like he either needs to get over me or get back together with me, but that he doesn't think he can get over me. Then he said he was shaking talking to me about this and he needed to go and he hung up the phone. This just makes me feel so... trapped. I SO WISH he could "get over me". I know, even if he doesn't, that his real numero uno problem is the alcoholism, but I do agree with him that this obsession with me is abnormal and extremely problematic. And I know that being in contact at all, and helping him the way I have, hasn't helped. But I have never, not once, since I divorced him, told him that there's any chance for us again as a couple, and have told him just the opposite on NUMEROUS occasions. I have told him I have a boyfriend, that I'm pretty certain he and I will be moving in together soon, and that we absolutely have no future together.

My biggest fear is that he will kill himself once I make our separation even more complete by either going full no contact, or moving in with my boyfriend. I guess I just need to work really hard with my therapist about coming to realize that not only would going no contact help me and my peace of mind, but that it would actually help him too to get over this obsession and move on. But how do I deal with that fear that he will either take his own life deliberately, or drink himself to death? I feel both are DEFINITELY in the realm of possibility, and it scares me.

dollydo

Jeez, he is manipulating you, with his words, words that you seem to want to hear. He can't live without you, he is obsessed with you, blah, blah, blah. What is your payoff? Do his words feed your ego?

You are fixated with him, you are the one who cannot let go. You have conditioned yourself to project fear, you are designing unsupported premises to create fear and doom and gloom.

Sorry that I sound harsh, however, there is a reason why you continue to keep this lifestyle alive and at the forfront of your life.

Mambo Queen

Yes, I actually am sure about that. I've never been in a situation like this before. Times that I have helped him financially, at the time, it felt like the only choice I had because he was going to be on the street otherwise, and I had a hard time dealing with that for someone I used to love and who is the father of my child. But I have slowly come to see that I'm just going to have to "feel the fear and do it anyway" because I am keeping him stuck by bailing him out. And I'm not in "constant contact". We have a daughter, and I talk to him about once a week.

I know I sound very defensive, but the truth is, I AGREE with the basic message you are sending, Anvilhead, that my actions have not helped the situation but helped perpetuate it. I think I'm finally ready to take new actions so my side of the street is at least clean, so I can know that I am doing the right thing and not keeping him sick. But I promise you, I DO wish he would get over me. Nothing would make me happier than him having a new woman to focus on. I would say nothing would make me happier than him finding recovery and getting over me that way, but I think I have a better chance of the latter. If I knew there was no way he'd be homeless, and no way he wouldn't kill himself, I'd do whatever I could to separate myself from him more than I have. What I'm starting to realize is that I'm not ever going to get that guarantee, but I'm going to have to take the action anyway.

I'm really trying to understand how it is that I am designing unsupported premises when he has threatened suicide many times in the past, and has been in the ER for alcohol poisoning 5 times in the last two years. I definitely agree that I seem to have fixated on his problems too much, but I don't think I'm imagining or exaggerating them.

I want to let go. I think I am ready. I need help and support in doing so. It doesn't make me feel stronger to have people tell me that this is all my fault. Frankly, I think I've done a pretty decent job thus far in managing a pretty crappy situation, at the level I was able to deal with it at the time, and now that I'm ready to take a bigger step, I need help in knowing how to do so.

laurie6781

Go back and read your old threads. The answer has been in every one of them .................................................


NO CONTACT

Love and hugs,

lillamy

I bet his life is a lot more uncomfortable without you.
Not to downplay what a kickass amazing person you are -- but given that As tend to be mostly centered on themselves, I bet it's mostly about him and not so much about you. I bet the more you withdraw, the more he's going to miss you. You know, nobody there to take the lumps to ease his pain... nobody there to call the office and say he's got a migraine on Mondays (oh, that was me, sorry, not you...).

All in all, I don't think what he's saying is that surprising. Of course he wants you back. His life was a lot easier with you in it. And when you actually show that you're moving on, it forces him to face the reality that he screwed this up, this dream of having a family, this illusion that he's normal and that he really doesn't have a problem...

Granted -- most of that is based just on my experience, but I have a feeling As are very similar in their behaviors here too... sound familiar?

TakingCharge999

Worried my AH will end up homeless

This was the title of one of your posts in 2008.

Its already been 2 years.

I am reading a book about chronic stress and its impact on women....

Dear MQ, when you will set yourself free.. ? you always had, and still have, the key.

It has taken me 3 long years .. to move on from an ex boyfriend, it takes what it takes.


I am asking the Universe to assist you letting go, so you can feel peace.... you deserve peace, after all you have gone through.

TakingCharge999

PS We worked in group therapy with a woman who could not let go of a toxic person even when rationally, she understood why she needed to do it... she was ruining her marriage due to this other person. PM me if you wish, I can give you more details about how she healed (got to run to Pilates!)

Fandy

i think you may care waay too much and on some level enjoy this drama, does he make you feel needed? everything i've read from you is the same thing..icanticanthemay killhimself,and on and on.

How much do you care about your CURRENT boyfriend????? Jeez, don't HIS feelings matter?

No contact means you can not sit around wondering, you move on with your own life. how many years has it been?

i'm sorry....he'll never know if he can make it without you if you are always draped around his neck.

i hope you care enough about your current man's feelings, because he sure is putting up with a lot of HIGH DRAMA.

Carol Star

Enabling isn't helping.......it is slowing their way to their bottom......

dollydo

I feel that we here are trying to support you. Yet, I also feel that your mind is a continuos loop, that you have been unable to edit the tape, and thus no matter what we say to you, it does nothing to edit the tape, the loop in your mind.

If you are truely that concerned about him,then let your BF go, move your EX back in and continue to waste your life trying to save someone who does not want to be saved.

You claim to be ready to move forward without your Ex, if so, you will go no contact, if you do not go no contact, then you will continue to be a willing participant in his and your insanity.

suki44883

If I knew there was no way he'd be homeless, and no way he wouldn't kill himself, I'd do whatever I could to separate myself from him more than I have.

There's a good chance he will be homeless. As far as killing himself goes, if he's going to do that, he'll do it whether you're around or not. You aren't keeping him from killing himself. You're only keeping yourself from moving on with your own life. I can't imagine any woman wanting to get close to him in the condition he's in, so you can rule out him getting in a relationship with someone else. The only one keeping him from moving on is him. We can only control ourselves in this world.

Jadmack25

Honey, isn't it way past this man's bedtime? He's living in your mind, taking up a large part of your life and he is supposed to be your EX. That means he once was and now is not your SO.

Til you clear him out of your head, he will stay there because that is where he wants to be, and where he is comfortable. Frankly, I bet he really doesn't give a damn that he has you worrying over him and the mess he GOT HIMSELF into yet again. He may threaten all sorts of things but hey, I figure he is too self centred to actually try anything to end himself.
As for homeless, there are lots of folks who are in this mess thanks to financial circumstances, because of health, unemployment and marriage breakdown and who did not drink themselves into having nothing.
Him being homeless is not your fault and not your business anymore, as he is your EX.

The man I feel sympathy for is your current BF, who barely gets a mention and seems like he's the understudy in this play, waiting in the wings for his chance to be heard.

When you tidy up your side of the street, how about sweeping your EX into the bin and leaving him there by going NC from now on? You can spend the time you are then free of worrying over that loser, in making your BF the main man in your life and enjoying a real life.

Please use your only life wisely and well.



You

Seren

Oh, Mambo Queen, I can hear the anguish and anxiety in your post.

I hope that you have the strength to finally get off this roller coaster once and for all. That power, that control, that choice is yours. You will only be ready when you are ready, and not a moment sooner.

Prayers for peace, HG

LaTeeDa

You've been asking the same question, literally for years. This hasn't been about him for a long time now. It's about you. Until you figure out what you are getting out of this arrangement, and how to stop needing it, you will continue asking the very same question over and over and over again. There is always a payoff. Maybe you should ask your therapist to help you discover what it is.

L

Thumper

You are giving him so much power over your life. You are allowing him to make the decisions. This will go on forever waiting for him to let you go. It is a false trap. He doesn't have a grip on you. His grip is on alcohol and you enable him to tighten that grip. You have him. You are the one that has to open your hand and let him go. Your life is in your hands.

Just like his life is in his hands. It isn't all that different really. He will quit drinking when he wants recovery more then he wants to drink. You'll quit getting in the middle of his life when you want a secure happy life free of him more then you want your lives entertwined. When you want that badly enough, you'll make it happen. It can happen before you log off your computer.

There are plenty of ways to communicate about your child other then a weekly phone call so this is a bit of a false trap you are making for yourself.

Thinking of you.

TakingCharge999

I was thinking...

Your current BF...

What if he had an ex girlfriend, that he was still in touch with, and still demanded a large of piece of his heart and his mind? How would you feel about him? would you think its fair to you? what if he gets fed up and moves on? would it be worth it..?

Jazzman

I would suggest that you're both obsessed with each other. Is your daughter getting any kind of therapeutic help?

StarCat

I had some similar fears with my XABF, which made it difficult to actually leave, detach, or let go. I was constantly wondering about what would happen if I wasn't there to save him, and feeling that the end results would be something terrible and it would be all my fault.

After I left, he stalked me for several months. It was "minor" stalking, at least as far as the police were concerned, although it was absolutely stalking and every time I ran into him I'd take giant steps backwards in my recovery, and I'd feel all the anxiety of living with him, all over again.

Each time he tried to corner me, though, and convince me that things would be better, that everything was all my fault, that he needed me to survive, that he was all fixed and he'd finally treat me well like I deserved (yes, all those conflicting words and empty promises)... I managed to hold my ground, make it clear it was over, and remove myself from the situation in such a way that he eventually gave up trying to find me again, at least until his next attempt.

But you know what happened? He didn't get any conflicting signals, I never called him back or sought him out, and eventually he accepted the truth. And he's still alive, and still employed. He still goes to work (I pass his parking space once a week on my way to a meeting in a different building - we work at the same place), he still has a job, he's still surviving. All the nightmares I imagined didn't happen.

Every once in awhile he still tries, not by contacting me directly but by talking to a mutual friend. She'll pass on his messages, but her husband was also an abusive alcoholic so she also translates them for me, too.

My life is brighter, and full of healthy things instead of worry, and I am so happy I had the courage to keep moving forward, even when it was difficult to do so.

Mambo Queen

I wanted to say that although it may not seem like much, I have a tendency to post when I am feeling stressed or worried, or when my thoughts are running like a continuous loop in my head, as one of you astute posters said, but that that is not my mood all of the time, and it is actually my mood less and less as I detach more and more from my ex. I wanted to also say that though again it may not seem like much, I have taken more steps to disentangle myself from enabling my ex. I don't accept many of his calls anymore, and various other things that I don't feel like going into at the moment. Usually when I post with a worry like the one I mentioned, it is because I'm feeling bad at that moment, or feeling overwhelmed with icky emotions at the time I post. I wanted to explain this in further detail, but . . .

. . . then I got a voice message on the house phone (a phone my ex rarely calls as he is sort of scared of my parents) from him saying that he is in the psych ward in a charity hospital after attempting suicide, and for once he did not ask me for anything, but said if I needed to get into his apartment for any reason, that his friend Shelly had the key. Shelly is an ex that I know he has been in contact with, and I've actually been extremely grateful for that because I know she has been playing the "shoulder to cry on" role that my ex used to use me for, a role which I actually have stopped playing, which is why I think for the first time after one of these crises, he hasn't asked me for anything.

And now I just feel numb. And I gotta admit, I do feel kind of like that old saying "it's not being paranoid if they're actually out to get you." I didn't feel like I was awfullizing or painting doom and gloom scenarios that didn't exist, I really did feel from the tone and content of his phone call on Monday like he was feeling self-destructive. Although he did not verbalize his intent to try and take his life, because I would have called the cops. Well actually, maybe I wouldn't have, because he's verbalized that a lot in the past and never attempted before.

I may write more about this later as I process it more, but I can say that I would certainly appreciate the light touch, and not the "kick her in the butt so she sees the light" one. Because one thing I am certain of is that none of this feels good to me.

One last thing I'd like to add . . . my daughter has only very rarely seen her father since our divorce, and only when I have deemed it safe for her to do so. I have been very careful to let her talk about her feelings about her father with me, but to never talk about my feelings about the situation with her, except to tell her that her father has an illness that makes it unhealthy for us to live with him, and that no matter what her daddy says to her, that when we did live together it wasn't healthy because of that and because we yelled too much at each other. I have shielded her from this without denying his existence or her right to love her father, and I for one think I've done quite a good job in that respect, at least. As does my therapist. As does my boyfriend. As do my parents, whom we live with.

Cyranoak

Mambo Q, do you go to Alanon?

Cyranoak