GettingBy

I have so many questions bouncing around in my head... What to do about this or that? How do I make life better? What is the next right step?

It's. All. So. Overwhelming.

I find my head spinning. Wishing that I had all "the answers". Wishing, at times, that I could just time warp to "happiness" and magically transport myself to a place where "alcoholism" didn't exist.

This is my disease. A thinking disease. One that destroys my ability to live in and enjoy the Here and Now. I'm stuck in my head a lot lately. Trying to figure out what I need to do next. When I feel the spin coming on, I grab literature, or the phone... I reach out for stable ground. So, in that regard... I'm getting better. There's progress... but I want more. I want more strength. I want to better define (and defend!) my boundaries with regard to alcoholism. I just don't know what those are right now. I can't define what it is exactly that I want... and even when I can, I just don't know that I have all the strength I need to follow through.

So, I am walking along (some times crawling)... one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Fighting my urge to be depressed and overwhelmed. I am in a deep funk... and I need change. And I KNOW that it's MY job, and mine only. I need patience today. I need to remember that more will be revealed.

I hope this makes sense to somebody out there... and ESH is greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
Shannon

Happiness Fairy

Sorry you are going through this right now GettingBy. I don't think I could have written anything differenly myself. I am exactly in the same place and feel so sorry that we share that. ((((Hugs))))

anvilhead - that was a great response. I appreciate it as it's just what I needed myself today. Thanks for the wisdom.

GettingBy

^This... is true. I do KNOW... I KNOW what it is that I want. I have so much fear of the fire I have to walk through to get it.


My denial though... has me hoping/wishing that maybe, just maybe, another path will reveal itself. Ugh. Why?!!? Why am I doing this to myself?


He is an alcoholic. An active one who is no where near recovery.

I need to move on with my life... a life without an alcoholic in it on a day to day basis.





So, in order to make that happen... I need to have a more stable job with health benefits (I have my own business now and my benefits are through him). At times I don't want to give up my business, but it's alot of work... and stress... and it's on top of...two small children, and my health issues... and the alcoholic husband. I am tapped out. So, I think going to work for someone else again (after 6 years of being on my own!! Yikers!)... is what I need to do. But I'm scared. Scared to give up my freedom. Scared to give up a business that I (more times than not lately!) hate!?!?

If I have a job with a larger engineering firm, I will feel more safe/secure. Feel more comfortable with having to deal with us separating. I need to start working a plan. One day at a time.

m1k3

GettingBy, here's something that works for me. And yes it takes practice to make it natural. Just starting to get there where it happens every now and then without thinking about it.

EVERY TIME you notice your self on the woulda, shoulda, coulda treadmill start counting breaths. You can count on both the in and the out or just the out. I use just the out. Sometimes I will use a mantra instead. I like Namu Amida Butsu. Which can be loosely translated as calling on the buddha of compassion.

What this exercise does is gets you off the treadmill of stinking thinking and back in the here and now. It also works for when you are feeling stressed (stress = worrying about something that isn't happening right now).

It really works for me and I find myself slipping into naturally when I'm starting to fuss about something. When you're good it happens before you even begin to vocalize the thought. I've got a ways to go to get there.

Hope this helps.

Your friend,

LadyM

Huge hugs to you Getting By

I too often feel like I would just like to go to sleep and wake up when everything is 'over' or 'better' - especially when I'm so exhaused of working, emotionally and mentally.

As much as I would like, I try not to let myself run away from my feelings. When I find myself getting tired of fighting them I try letting go and feel them. Saddness, dispair, grief, helplessness, fear. All run through and out of me. Then I breathe - out from my ribs, down to my toes, slowly letting my breath take some of the ache of my fight away. If I allow myself to feel then I know that my strength and vision will be clear. My strength isn't just about fighting constantly, it's about letting go and finding that I am still there, okay under it all.

I hope you are able to reach a point when you feel less overwhelmed and exhausted. I think that the biggest lesson of patience is being patient with one's self. There is light.

Freedom1990

We cling to the familiar, even though it may be unpleasant/dysfunctional/etc. It's like a toddler dragging around a threadbare dirty blankie that is well past it's usefulness. The toddler can't understand there is a new better blankie waiting for her because she refuses to let go of the old one.

Change is scary! My gosh, I thought I was going to wet my pants when I enrolled full-time in college at the age of 50!

Trust the process. One step at a time. Give that fear to God, put it right smack dab in the middle of his big loving hands and tell him he can keep it! That works for me!

Sending you hugs of support!

bookwyrm

Oh, how I can relate to your post. Patience is something I just can't seem to find for myself! Setting the goal, working out the plan and getting there one step at a time seems like such a slog - but it will be worth it in the end. Nothing changes if nothing changes and, for me, I know it's time to try and do something different... We'll get there in the end and know we're not alone!

m1k3

Patience is hard so set the goals lower. Rather than having a plan with 10 steps and the goal is to complete the plan have 10 plans of one step and your first goal is to do step 1.

Sometimes its just a matter of perspective.

LaTeeDa

Mike's got it.

This is how my brain works sometimes:

I need to do X. But, before I do X, I really ought to do Y. But, I can't do Y until Z is taken care of. Z is going to take some time, so I probably should prepare for that by doing A, B, and C.....

And before I know it, I have the whole damn alphabet on my to do list! Then, the thought of it all simply overwhelms me and I get paralyzed by the immensity of ALL OF IT. So, I do nothing and wait for a sign. And nothing gets done.

I've found that in order to get out of the paralysis, I only need to do one thing/make one change. It doesn't really matter what, just pick one thing. It may feel like it's not even going to make a dent in the overall list/project, but I force myself to do it anyway. More often than not, that one small thing has the result of making something else seem more doable, and then it rolls like a snowball from there.

If I stop thinking about ALL I have to do and just think about the next thing I want to do, things start to happen.

L

GettingBy

That's it. In a nutshell. My "perspective" on the situation is what is really doing me in. I've chosen to stare at the whole big pile and it's made it really hard to find a place to start.

Its like when I allow myself to get behind on my work... I have lots of things to do. I get overwhelmed, and the whole situation just snow balls on me.

Gotta start with the low-lying fruit... pick the easy quick stuff, and build confidence from there.



Anvil... I LOVE to-do lists... the problem with me... is that I can sit and made the list all day... and then it gets so darn long that I get overwhelmed with all that I have to do!!!

Thumper

Me too. Then I re-organize my lists. Then I tidy them up. Then I eat something.

When I really get mired down I make myself only put 5 things on my list. I sometimes try to cheat and put bullet points under my five things but then I go back and make sure that the 5 things are stand alone items. I have to really crack the whip or I get out of control

Tuffgirl

I make to-do lists all the time. And then I lose them.

Sounds like the what-ifs are keeping you in the place you are in today.

So...what if you stopped focusing on the what ifs and just dived right into the next steps?

I found doing to be so much more productive than thinking. And sometimes, it was as simple as doing nothing.

Alone22

Gettingby...it makes sense to me big time! My head has been spinning for about a week now and the feeling of being overwhelmed is about to make my head pop. I am trying to help my AH get into a rehab program, trying to figure out the financial impact of doing it, trying to determine how I tell our girls 11 and 7 about daddy's illness and how he is going to be getting help for it, worried that we will spend a ton of money and it will not lead to long term recovery, wondering if and when it would be a good idea to go back to work etc... and then I go visit my AF this past weekend and have a horrific alcoholic induced angry scene explode in front of my eyes. Now I need to deal with my AF and my head is spinning on how to set up boundaries, talk to him and have the outcome I would like (which we all know I can't control the outcome). I frankly am drowning over here in alcoholic craziness. My serenity is coming and so is yours, we just need to continue with our determination to find it! My concern is that I make what looks and feels like a good decision but the reality is something way different. Blah... tired of it all!

GettingBy

HOLY CRAP. I was reading through my old posts and found this one from exactly one year ago!!! I am in tears right now... not sure if they are of joy, sadness, relief... shock. I don't know.

I am dumbfounded at how I knew exactly what I needed to do... yet I was sooo paralyzed with fear... until I started working my plan. Amazing.

• I gave up my business - I haven't missed it ONE BIT!!!
• I got the job at the large engineering firm - I have about 30-40 very amazing new co-workers who have become near and dear friends to me. My job opportunities have far surpased what I was doing on my own!
• I got my own health insurance and a good solid paycheck - I'm fully independent once again and I LOVE IT!
• My health is improved drastically - amazing what being stressed out will do to you! My nails are growing again. My hair is thick, shiny and growing like mad! All of my cancer screenings have been clear.
• The house is gone - I really don't miss the mortgage or utility payments or all the time it took to keep it up.

The fear was so hard to face. Everyone was SOOOO right when they said, "You won't believe how great you'll feel in 6 months!!!"

Learn2Live

You are such an inspiration to me right now, GettingBy, THANK YOU so much! I am still climbing out of this black pit of despair. It's so funny how of all the positive successes you have listed, the girl in me is still the strongest, as evidenced by my desire to have thick, shiny, growing-like-mad hair too!!!

girl! And aren't supportive co-workers great?

sosickofcycle

Did you just crawl inside my head and steal this? Thanks for verbalizing your feelings (especially in regard to feeling overwhelmed and unsure abd depressed) because I feel EXACTLY that way most of the time. As I am sure many of us on here do! (((Shannon)))
PS What is ESH?
Edit: PPS I didn't realize this was an old post, very cool! Congratulations on taking your life into your hands, working your plan and choosing your path!!

m1k3

Recovery looks good on you!

Your friend,

Learn2Live

sosickofcycle, ESH is Experience, Strength, and Hope.

wicked

sosickofcycle,

ESH is experience, strength and hope.

Thank you Shannon for actually doing it, and being so happy about it.
One task at a time, I can do it.

:ghug3

Beth

BlueSkies1

I had an obsession with watching all the real-life movies about scaling the largest mountains in the world while I sat on the couch under a blanket smoking cigarettes. LOL
I never plan to try to scale the largest mountains in the world, but I lived vicariously through them, and that was good enough.
Kahlil Gibran has a story about those who will not work. He states that they are to watch others work until they desire to join them. I suppose that is the ultimate patient approach. And so I watched others face their fears over and over again until I was ready to face mine.

What I really loved about watching these was how these people took on their fears, achieved something very difficult, and even risked their lives in the process. Some people died. They are all examples of how living life to its fullest involves a certain amount of risk.
I think that was why I was attracted. Overcoming fear, the odds, fulfilling a dream to the point of risking their lives.
If we never faced our fears, if we never did anything risky, we would have to be holed up in our houses afraid to go out the door.
Sometimes living with codependency is just like being an agoraphobic. It's not leaving the house we can't do (well leaving for good is another matter) but leaving the confines of our own minds, or pulling our head out of the sand, and changing that circular thinking...Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Love the achievement stories--congrats Gettingby.