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feeling guilty

Old 08-06-2011, 12:47 PM
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feeling guilty

My son went away for a few weeks with the military. He lives with me and supposedly keeps in touch with his dad. He never tells me when they are getting together. I always have to ask 20 questions to get a straight answer and it drives me crazy. Part of my recovery is not needing to know what does not concern me. My son has made it clear that he does not want to talk about his father with me.
I bit my tongue and did not ask if he had seen his father or told his father when he was leaving.
Come to find out that dad called his sister after son left and said he did not know when he was leaving and felt hurt.
Daughter said she did not realize that she had to be a liaison between her father and brother.
I told her she did not have to be. That they are 2 grown men who don't like to be told what to do and they need to figure out how they are going to communicate and relate to each other. However we both feel bad that dad is hurt. My son and him have always been close.
I received 2 emails while my son was away. One when they got there and one about when to expect them back. I forwarded both to my AH. He did not acknowledge either one.
In fact he has been treating me like dirt and we are pretty much NC.
Today I sent out a text to his sister and a few friends to let them know my son was back. I did not send it to AH.
I feel guilty-I know it's not my job to keep him in the loop when he has taken himself out of the loop but I question my motivation. Am I just so hurt and angry at the way I am being treated that I am being vengeful. I know I am the only one who can answer that but I am not sure. Maybe this is just a new position for me and so it feels uncomfortable.
I want my children to have a relationship with their dad but I really don't need to be involved in it do I? It is up to them and their dad right?
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Old 08-06-2011, 12:59 PM
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Your children are adults and their relationship with their dad, or lack thereof, is their business. If your son wants people to know when he is coming home, he can tell them. It's not your job, nor is it your business. You are right...your recovery is not needing to know what does not concern you. Just let it go and enjoy your son while he is home.
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Old 08-06-2011, 02:11 PM
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I think that purposely putting yourself in the middle is not helpful to you. They are grown-ups, it's between your son and his Dad. You don't have to forward emails and then get upset that no one acknowledged you and you feel upset. HOW is this helpful for you?...If your son wants to tell his father his travel plans, he is capable of doing so, you don't have to be the self-appointed messenger. His reasons are his business.

My daughter is an adult, she told me to butt out of her business and if I respect her wishes, that's enough . I keep my opinions about her contact with her father's family to myself...(we're divorced, not pleasant and Daddy died unexpectedly but has a large family).

sometimes it's hard to expect that people act the way you want them to...I've learned that silence is golden.
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:22 AM
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As my girls have gotten older, I've turned over the responsibility of having a relationship with their Dad over to them to do as they choose. However, call me crazy, but I still send photos, email updates, etc. to their Dad. He and I share these kids, regardless of where and how we live nowadays. I do it because it makes me feel good to keep him in the loop, even if he doesn't acknowledge my updates (sometimes he doesn't...I just assume he's busy) or thanks me for the photos. I do it for me. This is the person I want to be.

Where the boundary is: not getting in the middle of the drama or whatever is going on at the moment between the girls and him. Most of the time, that's easy to do, but sometimes I mess up and the girls get mad at me, or my ex does. Oh well. I try!

My suggestion would be to find your comfortable place in this. You're their Mother; he's their Father. You both are invested in these kids, no matter how old they are. Decide what kind of person you want to be here, and be that person, regardless of the outcome. Do what you feel is the right thing to do for you.
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Old 08-07-2011, 03:13 PM
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I was thinking the same thing as Tuffgirl on this. I think while we're in recovery ourselves, we have to find clear boundaries in order to find our comfort zones, and then as we move along our recovery there are some areas where those clear boundaries can be muddled comfortably. But therein lies the rub. Whatever's comfortable for you is where it's at!

My son has had a good r'ship with my ex(R?)ABF, and I think it's recently taken a hit since exABF has moved away. I still update them each on each other's lives, and the phone lines are open. I figure they'll strike a comfortable balance for their relationship at some point. It's not mine to manage, and I don't make 'helpful suggestions' about it, but I do openly talk about the other one in a positive light because I do love them both. My son knows ex(R?)ABF has moved away to try to get himself healthy and that there are no guarantees.
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