How to make my AW leave our home
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
I wonder if it might be good for some here to remember this is SR not Al-Anon.
There should be room for a view other than the Al-Anon ethos of Letting Go meaning an absolute leaving off of the alcoholic to get help on their own.
No?
There should be room for a view other than the Al-Anon ethos of Letting Go meaning an absolute leaving off of the alcoholic to get help on their own.
No?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Ok folks,
Lets go back to what we do best: Share our Experience, our Strength and our Hope. (ESH)
This is a reposting of what our moderator's recommendation for posting in this part of SR forums. This is a letter to all persons wishing to post in the Friends and Family Forum:
Attention FFA Members - Please Read
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It’s time to post - again - the right way to be a participating member of SR.
DO's and DON'Ts
Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.
Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.
Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking
Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.
Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.
Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.
Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others
DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.
Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.
We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.
Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod __________________
Lets go back to what we do best: Share our Experience, our Strength and our Hope. (ESH)
This is a reposting of what our moderator's recommendation for posting in this part of SR forums. This is a letter to all persons wishing to post in the Friends and Family Forum:
Attention FFA Members - Please Read
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It’s time to post - again - the right way to be a participating member of SR.
DO's and DON'Ts
Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.
Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.
Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking
Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.
Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.
Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.
Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others
DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.
Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.
We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.
Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod __________________
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by ValJester 
I wonder if it might be good for some here to remember this is SR not Al-Anon.
There should be room for a view other than the Al-Anon ethos of Letting Go meaning an absolute leaving off of the alcoholic to get help on their own.
No?
There should be room for a view other than the Al-Anon ethos of Letting Go meaning an absolute leaving off of the alcoholic to get help on their own.
No?
Let's not hi-jack the new members thread with our personal opinions.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by ValJester
I wonder if it might be good for some here to remember this is SR not Al-Anon.
There should be room for a view other than the Al-Anon ethos of Letting Go meaning an absolute leaving off of the alcoholic to get help on their own.
No?
There should be room for a view other than the Al-Anon ethos of Letting Go meaning an absolute leaving off of the alcoholic to get help on their own.
No?
Val, the al-anon ethos of letting go is of letting go of trying to control the alcoholic. It has nothing to do with staying or leaving. Those are personal issues and will be made on an individual basis. I left after 15 years, it was not a casual decision nor an easy out. It was one of the most painful things I have ever done.
Letting go of control is admitting we are powerless over our loved ones use of alcohol. Nothing we say or do or not say or not do will change them. They will change when they are ready and not before.
I hear at meetings and read here the courageous stories of those who are letting go while still living with their A.
My point was that LovesToTravel posted what pretty much a passive-aggressive attack on the OP's decision. I know from experience how difficult that can be to deal with. I shared on here the story of my AW's suicide threat and how I dealt with it. What I didn't share was the lecture I got from a police officer, who I am sure thought he was doing the right thing, on how devastating it would be to me if she had committed suicide and I hadn't done everything I could to help her. I feel very strong in my recovery but I know that his comments set me back and I spent a lot of time meditating on his comments and my decisions. To someone less solid in their recovery his words could have had horrible consequences.
Your friend,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello electricalguru, Welcome to SR!
I have no personal experience with this situation, but do believe that consulting an attorney is a wise decision.
I am also reminding others that if you feel the need to debate someone, you are taking the focus off of the original poster's question. Please keep your personal debates to PM.
Welcome, again, electricalguru!
HG
I have no personal experience with this situation, but do believe that consulting an attorney is a wise decision.
I am also reminding others that if you feel the need to debate someone, you are taking the focus off of the original poster's question. Please keep your personal debates to PM.
Welcome, again, electricalguru!
HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: bay area, ca
Posts: 87
Hi,
I faced a similar situation. Ditto everyone, you need to talk to a lawyer. In my case, my AH came home in May after we lived apart for 6 months and refused to leave. I called the cops but the cops said they couldn't do anything even though the rental lease was in my name, since we were still married and he had his stuff and mail coming in at the house. I ended up filing for divorce and made arrangements to move to another apartment. But AH moved out yesterday saying it would be in kids' best interests if I stayed back home with the kids.
So, you can try 2 different approaches . one aproach - try to convince your AW to leave (for kids' sake or help her find a place/maybe try to set her up initially, etc). If that does not work, try to move out. If that is not an option, try the legal way. good luck. very tough situation.
And yes, I tried for many many years to make AH get help (and enabled him in the process) - he refused and said he did not believe in getting help. In fact, me forcing this separation and forcing him to fend for himself (he is unemployed as well) will make him either sober up and figure out how he is going to fend for himself or he might end up deeper in addiction. That is upto him, though it took me many (codependent) years to figure this out and to let go. It is still tough - I worry about him and feel sad/pity for him.
I faced a similar situation. Ditto everyone, you need to talk to a lawyer. In my case, my AH came home in May after we lived apart for 6 months and refused to leave. I called the cops but the cops said they couldn't do anything even though the rental lease was in my name, since we were still married and he had his stuff and mail coming in at the house. I ended up filing for divorce and made arrangements to move to another apartment. But AH moved out yesterday saying it would be in kids' best interests if I stayed back home with the kids.
So, you can try 2 different approaches . one aproach - try to convince your AW to leave (for kids' sake or help her find a place/maybe try to set her up initially, etc). If that does not work, try to move out. If that is not an option, try the legal way. good luck. very tough situation.
And yes, I tried for many many years to make AH get help (and enabled him in the process) - he refused and said he did not believe in getting help. In fact, me forcing this separation and forcing him to fend for himself (he is unemployed as well) will make him either sober up and figure out how he is going to fend for himself or he might end up deeper in addiction. That is upto him, though it took me many (codependent) years to figure this out and to let go. It is still tough - I worry about him and feel sad/pity for him.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I slowly started to live my own life and helped him less. So even though for the 2+ years we were together, I think he was looking for a better sugar mama. This just made him find her faster. I work away for a few days, he called one evening telling me he couldn't live like this anymore. All my stocking the frig with I wanted, not paying his bills, finally I could start the slow process of reversing the maxed out credit cardsssss.
The 3 C's helped me alot.
The 3 C's helped me alot.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
Everyone please accept my apologies for my post above. Sorry to interject my own thoughts not relating to the thread.
EG, The only experience I can offer is that when I couldn't be in the same house as my wife I left and took a rental house.
My own solicitor advised me that it did not compromise any claim I may have over the property at a future date, particularly given the circumstances. This may be different in the United States of course.
To me, at the time, being away from the drinking vastly outweighed the discomfort of not having my own home.
Take care
EG, The only experience I can offer is that when I couldn't be in the same house as my wife I left and took a rental house.
My own solicitor advised me that it did not compromise any claim I may have over the property at a future date, particularly given the circumstances. This may be different in the United States of course.
To me, at the time, being away from the drinking vastly outweighed the discomfort of not having my own home.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by LovesToTravel
I don't understand. What about getting her help? What about in sickness and in health? There is something wrong that is making her drink. I would hate to know that my husband of 13 years would just throw me out...or try to figure out how to...
"Don't ask me to choose between beer and our marriage. You won't like the answer."
I didn't have the guts to leave, but that was MY problem. Especially if one has children, I think it's very important to teach them that alcoholism isn't "normal" and teach them that even though one may love someone a whole lot, there are limits as to what you should put up with in everyday life.
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