electricalguru

Is there anything I can do to make her leave? She will not leave on her own. She is not the same woman I married 13 years ago. It is so frustrating and sad to see what this disease has caused.

Wendy1967

Unfortunately there's only one sure way to make your spouse leave the home. Get a protection from abuse order. Of course the only way to legally get one is if you feel like you or your children are physically in danger. Otherwise, the police can do nothing.

You might be able to get a court in a divorce to award you the home, but that's a long and lengthy and expensive process I would imagine. (I haven't explored that avenue yet)

In my case, there is just verbal, psychological and mental abuse. There's no court in the world that will recognize that type of abuse as putting me in actual physical danger...I've tried.

The only option that I can see for myself and maybe for you is to leave. I'm trying to do that now. Step by step.

Keep posting here though. These people are wonderful and they've been a big support system in my current mess.

Jazzman

Talk to a lawyer and read up, get educated about the domestic laws of your state. See if you can file for divorce and move into another bedroom. That will at least start the clock ticking on a separation. That worked for me.

Pelican

I was able to get my alcoholic to leave after I left first.
I left with the kids after another alcohol related incident.

After several days, I contacted my alcoholic and asked if he could seek temporary accomodations somewhere and allow the kids and I to return to the marital home and resume their routines and resume care of the critters. He agreed.

I agree with Jazzman. Check with a lawyer in your state. Most lawyers will do a free consultation to let you know what your rights are according to your state. That helped me to make an exit plan.

Here are some steps I followed while living with my A:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Welcome to the family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

Thumper

Definitely talk to a lawyer as all states are different.

When I was in the same position I went to a lawyer and was told that if I filed for divorce I could ask for temprorary use of the marital home and temporary custody. These are apparently quite easy to get here (a couple weeks) because it has nothing to do with final outcome of the divorce. I could also just let the divorce petition sit there for up to a year without making any move forward on it. If a year came and went, it was just kicked out and I'd have to file again. There is only a 60 day wait for a divorce here so all states are different.

LexieCat

Yes, you should talk to a lawyer. Find out what your rights and obligations are. From there, you can make choices that will be in your best interest.

WendyOWilliams

Be careful because in New York leaving the home is considered abandonment. You can seriously damage your property rights. States handle this stuff differently and you need to get a good handle on it before you act.

I vote for waiting until she is in total remorse mode (if yours goes there after bender) and guilting her out of the house that very day, but that's passive-aggressive me!

electricalguru

I have an appointment later this week with a lawyer. Hopefully I will get some answers. Thanks

UnResolved

Invite your mother - or 6 of your old college buddies to live with you for a month - that should do the trick in clearing out the house!

Other than that, if you have children you are caring for, that might be an inroad for trying to keep peace in your home so your kids, and you, being the sober parent, can be allowed to care of them in a safe enviornment.

It can be a challenge - but worth it.

LovesToTravel

I don't understand. What about getting her help? What about in sickness and in health? There is something wrong that is making her drink. I would hate to know that my husband of 13 years would just throw me out...or try to figure out how to...

DMC

An alcoholic can only be helped if they want help.
We got to a breaking point, and I helped arrange for my XAH to go to rehab, and told him he couldn't come home. His parents were more than happy to take him back.

So I essentially threw out my husband of 10 years.
I believe there is more to the OP's story than he's sharing, and that's ok. There was a lot more to mine than "I threw my husband out."

TeM

I must admit, I struggle with that one, too, while watching AW poison herself. But does that vow still hold if the spouse refuses to get help, or even acknowledge being sick?

fedup3

I too struggle with that as well. I took care my disease which was cancer and I sought help, his is alcoholism but he refuses any help so he leaves me with no other choice but to get on with my life.

sonic

Exactly. You don't get to the point of throwing your spouse out of the house without a MUCH bigger [and longer] story, and it's ok if the OP doesn't want to share all those details. Frankly, I'd rather hear about a spouse being kicked out of their home than a family suffering more abuse at the hands of said spouse because they're too codependent to do anything about it. But that's just me

m1k3

LovesToTravel,

Do you have any experience or wisdom you could offer about how you are coping with living with an active alcoholic spouse? What can you share that may have value to him.

I lived with an AW for over 15 years until I moved out 2 months ago. Her disease was not only killing her it was killing me. The pain of staying and watching her slowly kill herself outweighed the pain of leaving.

Marriage vows are not a mutual suicide pact. Nothing I did can or could help. She will get help when she is ready and not 1 moment before.

Your comments could be very harmful to a person suffering from codependency, much like myself. It has the potential to invalidate his decision which I am sure was incredibly painful for him to make. I would no more make comments like that than I would to tell an alcoholic, well, what about moderation, I'm sure you have a couple of drinks a day.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

StarCat

@electricalguru,
There's a lot of good wisdom in this thread regarding different things to consider.
In my case, I was lucky. It was an apartment, only my name was on the lease, he officially still lived with his mother, we weren't married, and he didn't realize that he could call the police and tell them that since he'd slept overnight in my apartment for almost six months he deserved the right to continue to do so. (I was also fortunate that I had convinced him to go to rehab, not that it helped him, but the space without him certainly helped me.)


What about "To love and to cherish"?
In my experience, the alcoholic abandons this part long before the family even considers changing the status quo for the alcoholic.
With XABF, I did everything I knew how to do. I saved him from so many of his own self-caused catastrophes. I took the blame when it wasn't my fault. I sacrificed my happiness to do what he wanted me to do. I begged, I pleaded, I reminded. I hid his alcohol, I bought alcohol to give to him, I drank alcohol with him (and I can't stand the stuff). I contemplated suicide, in great detail, trying to decide which method would work best. I maxed out my credit card buying the things he wanted me to buy for him, and when one was maxed out, I applied for another, and then another.
He, on the other, drank more and more whiskey, verbally abused me more and more, emotionally abused me whenever he felt it was appropriate, and started throwing furniture in my general direction when I didn't give him the reaction he wanted.

It's impossible to help someone who doesn't want help.
He wanted to go in one direction, and he wanted me to be something I wasn't.
I wanted to live my life in another direction, and so I let go of my expectations of what I wanted him to be.
He is now free to be whoever he desires, with no more protests from me...

And now I am free to actually LIVE.
I have a lot of pieces to pick up, but I am picking them up.


We weren't married, but I was as committed to the relationship as if we were, and meanwhile he was only committed to the alcohol.
If we were married, it would have been more difficult (and more expensive) to end the relationship... and I still would have done so.


Very well said, Mike!
You have come a very long way, it's exciting to watch!

TeM

That's an excellent way to put it... thanks for that thought.

LovesToTravel

Where is the information given that help has been offered and refused? Being the alcoholic in my relationship I didn't come to that conclusion.

sonic

Does it matter? The OP is not required to give us his life story. He came here asking for help on dealing with an addict. It is not our job to assume that the non-addict in the relationship is doing something wrong. It is not our job to condemn the non-addict because he has chosen not to give us the whole story (yet). I may be the defensive, entitled addict part of you (that all of us addicts have in us) asking these questions. His wife is not here asking us for help on how to deal with her husband divorcing her, the husband is here asking how to deal with an addict.

Clearly, he's had it and wants to move on with his life. That is his right.

Clearly, by the very nature of being an addict, his wife has already broken many of their vows, so why focus on the vows that you perceive he may have broken?

Clearly, he's taking a stand, putting himself first and saying "no more" to an addict. He has every right, IMO, to do so. And since he's not the addict and is the one asking for help, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt rather than assume all the negative stuff.

m1k3

LTT, my point is that your comments could be construed as a negation of the OP's decision to separate from his AW.

I wouldn't begin to offer advice to an alcoholic about how to manage their issues. I don't have the necessary experience or wisdom to do so., I would expect the same courtesy from recovering(?) alcoholics coming to this forum as well.

It is not his job to offer help. His AW will get better when she is ready to get better.

One of the big things here is the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

It is HER problem not his. He has no obligation to offer help because it would be useless to do so.

As someone who has lived with an active AW for 15 years the amount of help offered by me was useless. Her recovery is hers and my recovery is mine.