ekb

Hi all,

I stumbled upon this forum while searching for information on recovering alcoholics and their behavior. What I have read here has helped me out TREMENDOUSLY. It's so great to find a place where others know and can give great advice on what both he and I are going through.

Although this forum has made me feel much better about our situation, I still cry myself to sleep on a regular basis, so I thought I'd share my story just in case there is someone out there who has been or is in the same situation as we are.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 wonderful months! When we first got together, I wasn't aware of the severity of his drinking. As time passed on, and I saw the empty bottles of beer on the counter on a daily basis, I started to get VERY concerned. He would drink a 12 pack of beer a day - throughout the day. I soon came to find out that he was a maintenance drinker. He would get the shakes very badly unless he drank, he could barely keep anything down that he ate, and he wouldn't drink water. AT ALL!

On a side note, I have NEVER seen him actually "drunk" (if that makes sense to anyone). He really only drank to "not feel bad" - although his drinking WAS in fact making him feel bad.

About three months into our relationship, he decided to go into detox. He told me that he was sick and tired of feeling like crap - and that although he didn't care about his health before, he does now since we fell in love.

Well, he went into detox the 1st week in May. The first 3 days he was there, he had to have a nurse with him 24 hours a day - he couldn't walk on his own, eat on his own, etc. He stayed for a week and came home the second week in May. HE HASN'T HAD A DRINK SINCE! I am BEYOND proud of him! He said he doesn't even crave beer! I found out that his 12 pack a day habit was something he did for the last TWENTY years! So, for him to be sober now 66 days, is a miracle!

Now, here is where I could use some help! Before he went into detox, we were a VERY passionate couple. We'd make love at least 6+ times a week. But since he came home in May, not only have we not been intimate, but he hasn't even kissed me. Don't get me wrong, I get the peck on the lips ever now and then, but he hasn't kissed me passionately since he's gotten out.

He told me it's not me, and to not take it personally, but how can I not when he won't even touch me? He used to be SO loving and affectionate with me and now I feel like I'm living with a roommate, not my lover. When I try and talk to him about it, he tells me, "I don't even know what's going on! I feel annoyed and irritated ALL THE TIME. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin!"

This is what I have learned about being newly sober - He's got to work on HIMSELF 1st before he can even start to work on us. I'm supposed to give him his space and let him come to me.

I try not to sulk or pout, but it's hard. My crying fits are at night, and after he's sleeping, so he isn't aware how much this is hurting me. I know he loves me more than anything, BUT it's kinda hard not to start feeling insecure when the love of your life won't even touch you.

I have been to al-anon meetings, and while they DO help, for some reason they just aren't enough, that's why I thought I'd try here. He goes to AA meetings as well (once a week) and while every day it gets a LITTLE better with us, it still kills me that we aren't as close as we were before.

Whew! That felt good to get that all out!

SO, any advice anyone might have would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you all SO much!

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome!

I remember things were VERY weird for awhile when my first husband first got sober (BTW, he has been sober for 31 years now).

And I'm now in recovery for my own alcoholism. A lot of alcoholics have to re-learn to enjoy sex while sober. And all the weird mental and emotional stuff he is going through right now is normal for early recovery.

It isn't you, believe him when he says that. He is getting all rearranged inside, and it takes time to learn how to relate to people--even people you love a lot--when you are newly sober.

Give it some time. It might be months, or a year or more, before your physical relationship is as it was.

Meantime, the busier you get with Al-Anon and with your own life, the better you will feel in general.

ekb

Thank you!

I appreciate your reply!

I do love him enough to wait until he's ready.

It's like he's starting all over, I suppose - I wonder if maybe he's a little scared as well.

Thumper

I wanted to welcome you to the forum. I don't have any experience to share on this particular issue but stick around. I've learned so much from reading and participating here!

Wishing you and your boyfriend the best!

ekb

Thank you!

I was also wondering, would it be a bad or good idea to go to an aa meeting with him. Just so I can learn more about what he's dealing with. Or is that something just for him to have?

StarCat

Going to open AA meetings are a great way to learn about things, for both us and the alcoholic. AA meetings are a great resource, as are talking to alcoholics in general. My first confidant with this whole disease was an alcoholic, and he helped me so much because I knew he knew the alcoholic's side of the story, and that was really important to me at the time.

Going with him to AA, though? If there are other meetings you could attend that he does not attend (or doesn't attend regularly), I'd recommend doing that instead. This way, you still learn, while he gets to keep his AA meeting as a place where he feels comfortable sharing anything he needs to share, without worrying about being judged by someone he knows "in real life."
Just my two cents.

Tally

What you're describing doesn't sound like "5 wonderful months" to me. They sounds like 5 months of suspicion, enabling, worry, upset, neglect and loneliness.

Have you asked yourself why you think this is the best you can get?

If they were wonderful months you wouldn't be crying yourself to sleep every night.

eaglette

Hi! A similar thing happened to me. My ABF went into rehab at the beginning of April. Before he went in, our connection was intense and spiritual in quality. Somewhere right before he came out of rehab, I felt this "wall" go up around him. When he came out, the wall didn't dissipate. It took a while for me to accept the new distance between us, but it has really enabled both of us to shift our perspectives to ourselves and work our own recoveries. If your BF has been drinking for the past twenty years, it is going to take him a while to adjust. I find with my BF that, while it frustrates me to be "alone" through this, he needs this time to just work on himself, and I need to work on me. His problems are deeply-rooted and have nothing to do with me. He doesn't have the emotional capacity to be there for me one hundred percent right now, and that is part of being with an addict who is going through recovery. Things do gradually get better, and sometimes they take a sudden and dramatic shift for the worse, or we'll have a day where everything is amazing. Living one day at a time has really helped me with all of this. Also, my BF recently relapsed, hard. The distance which I had initially resented has really helped me through this very trying experience. Talking to my HP has helped a lot, and at this point it's hard to say what is going on, but I trust that everything is going the way it is meant to. I will add that when BF and I are doing well, our connection is even deeper and more profound than it was before because of what we are going through. But I had to embrace the process before seeing progress.

LifeRecovery

I love open AA meetings (in addition to Al-Anon). I agree though about not going with your loved one. I have learned so much about addiction in general and people as a whole in these meetings.

Not all meetings are the same so try a variety of them. At first I did not share in the open meetings (not all of them want non-AA people to share which is fine with me). I have shared from Al-anon from the beginning.

Wishing you the best.

sweetteewalls

ekb, I went through that with my RAH and unfortunately he ended up leaving me. I couldve posted your post verbatum. I used to cry because he would be lying in bed asleep and show me no emotion when he used to. Now it hurts so much because he has completely pushed me away saying that he loves me but is a different person now without the alcohol and needs to find himself. It sucks because we share a 3 year old and I have to see him to exchange her but he looks right through me as if he never loved me and it kills me inside. My best advice to you is what I am doing right now and just do yourself, work on you. It will help detach yourself from what he is or isn't doing and a stronger you can only help you as a couple later or if it doesn't work, you will already be ahead of the game. Keep posting here. You are not alone.

Cyranoak

Be patient. It can take awhile-- standard thoughts around this seem to be a year or longer. He's learning a whole new way to live. I once heard a dude say SOBER stands for "Son of a bitch! Everything's Real!" That can't be easy for somebody who was drunk for so long.

That said, if it doesn't change for a long, long time then maybe you'll have to confront the issue with him and or a therapist. In the meantime, it's too early, in my opinion, to draw conclusions as to how he's going to be for the rest of his life, or if he's even going to successfully remain sober.

Good luck, and I mean it!

Cyranoak

ekb

I'm a cancer and take things WAY too personally. That is something I am trying to learn to deal with, to "not take his actions" personally.

It's hard!

Thanks again, everyone! You have helped me SO much!