Oh the lies
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Oh the lies
They keep on coming to light. 2 years gone and the lies keep coming. I may have written here before about wanting to kick the guy who introduced me to XAAH. A friend I knew in high school, who met XAAH after HS, let's call him Fred.
XAAH couch surfed at Fred's house after I'd left. XAAH told me (and I believed him) that Fred hated me. When XAAH tried to talk me into letting him move into my apartment - or at least crash there a 'few nights' - he'd tell me that Fred was heavy into drugs and was kicking in walls, doors, all the time, that it was miserable there.
Why did I believe him? I mean, I didn't believe him enough to let him move in, but I believed him when he told me Fred hated me. I've avoided Fred for over two years. Fred, who I've known longer than I've known XAAH. Fred who never hurt me, who never lied to me, who I sat in classes with for 4 years in HS. Who took the time to track me down, after not seeing me for a couple years after college, and call to tell me that one of our friends died in a motorcycle accident. Who sat with me on the phone for hours while I cried and XAAH never once asked me what was wrong.
Fred contacted me by Facebook today to see how I was doing because he heard about the divorce. To ask if DS and I need anything. That if we ever do, to call him or any one in his family.
We spoke on the phone tonight. Fred was mad (at XAAH) and choking back tears when I told him that XAAH told me that he hated me, and I had stupidly believed him.
It turns out that it was XAAH's using buddy that was busting into and busting up Fred's house. That XAAH lied to Fred about having cancer too. Oh so many other things. Fred offered to come to be a witness at any hearing for custody, because he knows XAAH was doing more than drinking. Which is probably why XAAH told me Fred hates me, so I wouldn't contact Fred for support or info.
Dear HP, I hate XAAH right now. I hate him and I'm so mad at myself for believing him.
XAAH couch surfed at Fred's house after I'd left. XAAH told me (and I believed him) that Fred hated me. When XAAH tried to talk me into letting him move into my apartment - or at least crash there a 'few nights' - he'd tell me that Fred was heavy into drugs and was kicking in walls, doors, all the time, that it was miserable there.
Why did I believe him? I mean, I didn't believe him enough to let him move in, but I believed him when he told me Fred hated me. I've avoided Fred for over two years. Fred, who I've known longer than I've known XAAH. Fred who never hurt me, who never lied to me, who I sat in classes with for 4 years in HS. Who took the time to track me down, after not seeing me for a couple years after college, and call to tell me that one of our friends died in a motorcycle accident. Who sat with me on the phone for hours while I cried and XAAH never once asked me what was wrong.
Fred contacted me by Facebook today to see how I was doing because he heard about the divorce. To ask if DS and I need anything. That if we ever do, to call him or any one in his family.
We spoke on the phone tonight. Fred was mad (at XAAH) and choking back tears when I told him that XAAH told me that he hated me, and I had stupidly believed him.
It turns out that it was XAAH's using buddy that was busting into and busting up Fred's house. That XAAH lied to Fred about having cancer too. Oh so many other things. Fred offered to come to be a witness at any hearing for custody, because he knows XAAH was doing more than drinking. Which is probably why XAAH told me Fred hates me, so I wouldn't contact Fred for support or info.
Dear HP, I hate XAAH right now. I hate him and I'm so mad at myself for believing him.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
I'm sorry you hate him. I've gone through the same frustration and felt the same anger. I think the best way to deal with it is to express it, feel it intensely and let it go.
Anger has it's place. It's not a bad emotion, it's necessary. But if we let it overcome us, it is what we become.
I am a fighter. That is why my icon is the panther. It has helped me in many situations in my life. But I have learned that not every situation requires me to fight. In order to have peace, sometimes, you just have to let things go.
Best of Wishes,
Panther
Anger has it's place. It's not a bad emotion, it's necessary. But if we let it overcome us, it is what we become.
I am a fighter. That is why my icon is the panther. It has helped me in many situations in my life. But I have learned that not every situation requires me to fight. In order to have peace, sometimes, you just have to let things go.
Best of Wishes,
Panther
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
tu,
Yeah, it sucks to be played for a fool. I think that's what gets me more than anything else, the feeling of having been suckered.
OTOH, maybe you can instead focus on gratitude that this guy Fred had the kindness and decency to track you down yet again and to offer help and support. You can either focus on the hurt, or you can focus on gratitude that you have now been shown the truth and regained a valued friendship. Sounds like Fred isn't blaming you, so try not to blame yourself. You got manipulated--it happens.
Hugs,
Yeah, it sucks to be played for a fool. I think that's what gets me more than anything else, the feeling of having been suckered.
OTOH, maybe you can instead focus on gratitude that this guy Fred had the kindness and decency to track you down yet again and to offer help and support. You can either focus on the hurt, or you can focus on gratitude that you have now been shown the truth and regained a valued friendship. Sounds like Fred isn't blaming you, so try not to blame yourself. You got manipulated--it happens.
Hugs,
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I can relate to being mad at yourself - I've been there too.
I like what Lexie said... instead of focusing on the bad behavior and wrong doings - focus on what you have to be grateful for. When I do that, I find that my attitude improves and my blessings multiple right before my eyes! And suddenly, I'm not so angry and life doesn't seem to so out to get me.
Sounds like life has you right where you, and Fred, need to be!
I like what Lexie said... instead of focusing on the bad behavior and wrong doings - focus on what you have to be grateful for. When I do that, I find that my attitude improves and my blessings multiple right before my eyes! And suddenly, I'm not so angry and life doesn't seem to so out to get me.
Sounds like life has you right where you, and Fred, need to be!
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Lexie and GettingBy, immediately after hitting post I was overcome by a huge wall of gratitude that Fred contacted me. I am less mad at myself now. Dead tired still, but less mad at myself.
Jaguar, I get where you're coming from. I really do not like hating people; it is a sh-tty feeling. Despite having posted a bit here about it; I don't think I'm ready to give myself free rein to feel the hatred intensely yet, much less let it go. I'm terrified that if I do give in to feeling out the depth of the hatred and the reasons behind it, that it will swallow me whole.
I think it has more to do with the abuse that was in our relationship than the alcoholism and drug use... I also think I will need that anger and hatred at XAAH to get through processing some of the stuff in our relationship. Well, maybe not the hatred, but definitely the anger.
The anger at myself.... I think it not only came from feeling duped into giving up a friend, but also in the realization that I was starting to minimize the abuse that XAAH put me through - and the manipulation that he continues to put me through. I was even starting to come up with excuses to myself about why he lied about having terminal cancer. Talking with Fred helped remind me of what a HUGE lie that is.
Thanks, F&F, for letting me sound this all out here and for your support!
Jaguar, I get where you're coming from. I really do not like hating people; it is a sh-tty feeling. Despite having posted a bit here about it; I don't think I'm ready to give myself free rein to feel the hatred intensely yet, much less let it go. I'm terrified that if I do give in to feeling out the depth of the hatred and the reasons behind it, that it will swallow me whole.
I think it has more to do with the abuse that was in our relationship than the alcoholism and drug use... I also think I will need that anger and hatred at XAAH to get through processing some of the stuff in our relationship. Well, maybe not the hatred, but definitely the anger.
The anger at myself.... I think it not only came from feeling duped into giving up a friend, but also in the realization that I was starting to minimize the abuse that XAAH put me through - and the manipulation that he continues to put me through. I was even starting to come up with excuses to myself about why he lied about having terminal cancer. Talking with Fred helped remind me of what a HUGE lie that is.
Thanks, F&F, for letting me sound this all out here and for your support!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I know you're mad and no one likes to be lied to but how great is it that you found a true long lost friend and the real truth came out about him? And he says he's here for you and your daughter. I think so much of what we complain about is not alcohol as much as it is character.
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(Sorry, Panther - just realized I typed the wrong name when writing above.)
So, that wave of anger has receded a bit. And I'm finding myself at the edges of yet another of my *traps*. It appears that word of the divorce and XAAH's behavior is spreading through the teams XAAH had played for. Some of these guys I knew fairly well; some I'd only see at the games. I'd always thought they saw me as just another girl that hung out on the sidelines, a rugby groupie, an.... accessory to XAAH. They were nice enough, but you know, I'd thought that if XAAH and I broke up they'd treat the next gal nice enough too. Ya know?
They're all expressing their concern and asking if DS and I need anything. Which is great, wonderful; it's amazing to have validation from people outside the relationship and family that what I lived through was NOT OK, nor did I make it up - they saw part(s) of it, even if it wasn't the worst parts.
Where my trap comes in is that cozy little feeling of being protected and cared for by a guy (guys). I was completely in it before I realized it and even now, I keep flirting with the edge of it. To feel protected and safe. I thought I'd been "cured" of that need and desire by realizing that I'd attributed it to XAAH, when it was really his mates that did the protecting. By realizing that it was MY actions that got me out of the relationship with XAAH, not any one else's. Apparently not.
D-mmit. I'm a grown woman, no longer little or a even waif-y, delicate girl; I'm smart and I used to brag about my independence. But that fuzzy glow of safety provided by a partner is so tempting. Why?
So, at least I realize it. And I realize that I am NO WHERE near ready for another relationship yet. Doesn't matter that I've been out from under the same roof as XAAH for 3 years (and that he's had, at least one, some one on the side for longer, apparently) and officially single for 7 months now. I'm not ready. I do not want to fall for that sense of safety again.
So, that wave of anger has receded a bit. And I'm finding myself at the edges of yet another of my *traps*. It appears that word of the divorce and XAAH's behavior is spreading through the teams XAAH had played for. Some of these guys I knew fairly well; some I'd only see at the games. I'd always thought they saw me as just another girl that hung out on the sidelines, a rugby groupie, an.... accessory to XAAH. They were nice enough, but you know, I'd thought that if XAAH and I broke up they'd treat the next gal nice enough too. Ya know?
They're all expressing their concern and asking if DS and I need anything. Which is great, wonderful; it's amazing to have validation from people outside the relationship and family that what I lived through was NOT OK, nor did I make it up - they saw part(s) of it, even if it wasn't the worst parts.
Where my trap comes in is that cozy little feeling of being protected and cared for by a guy (guys). I was completely in it before I realized it and even now, I keep flirting with the edge of it. To feel protected and safe. I thought I'd been "cured" of that need and desire by realizing that I'd attributed it to XAAH, when it was really his mates that did the protecting. By realizing that it was MY actions that got me out of the relationship with XAAH, not any one else's. Apparently not.
D-mmit. I'm a grown woman, no longer little or a even waif-y, delicate girl; I'm smart and I used to brag about my independence. But that fuzzy glow of safety provided by a partner is so tempting. Why?
So, at least I realize it. And I realize that I am NO WHERE near ready for another relationship yet. Doesn't matter that I've been out from under the same roof as XAAH for 3 years (and that he's had, at least one, some one on the side for longer, apparently) and officially single for 7 months now. I'm not ready. I do not want to fall for that sense of safety again.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i told hank, i gotta go take lessons in how to look helpless or something!!! cuz HE sure doesn't see me that way and there are times i wouldn't MIND being treated like i'm fragile or something! sigh.........
(Putting away blonde wig and high heels as my tire pressure light is also on)
The uncertainty,
I think you are doing great.
You are looking within.
Check yourself, before you wreck yourself
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
You're right, it is a trap. This is something I've had to look long and hard at in my life, too. In fact, it is one of those beliefs that kept me in my marriage longer than I should have stayed.
I remember in a joint counseling session, she asked each of us what we wanted from the other. I don't even remember his answer, lol, but mine was that I wanted to feel safe, protected, etc. Later, in an individual session, we talked about it and that's when she explained to me it's not about trusting them, it's about trusting yourself.
I didn't really get it at the time, but over the years it's begun to make sense to me. I always wanted to have someone to count on, someone to be there for me, someone who has my back, as Anvil said. And for years, I cast my AH in that role. And for years, he let me down. I never felt safe with him, or protected.
When I got divorced, I was forced to start taking care of things for myself. I couldn't just nag and bitch till he did stuff. I had to either do it myself, or hire it out. And, at first, it was extremely scary knowing that whatever came up or needed to be handled, it was on me. I still get a little pang of anxiety when something happens that I've never dealt with before. But, as time goes on, I have discovered that there really isn't anything I can't handle. That sounds kind of cocky, I know, but it's the truth. If I don't know what to do, I have the intelligence and resources within me to figure it out, or to locate someone who can.
And now, instead of feeling helpless and fearful about the unknown, I feel empowered and confident. It's been an amazing transformation, but it hasn't been easy, and it didn't happen quickly.
L
I remember in a joint counseling session, she asked each of us what we wanted from the other. I don't even remember his answer, lol, but mine was that I wanted to feel safe, protected, etc. Later, in an individual session, we talked about it and that's when she explained to me it's not about trusting them, it's about trusting yourself.
I didn't really get it at the time, but over the years it's begun to make sense to me. I always wanted to have someone to count on, someone to be there for me, someone who has my back, as Anvil said. And for years, I cast my AH in that role. And for years, he let me down. I never felt safe with him, or protected.
When I got divorced, I was forced to start taking care of things for myself. I couldn't just nag and bitch till he did stuff. I had to either do it myself, or hire it out. And, at first, it was extremely scary knowing that whatever came up or needed to be handled, it was on me. I still get a little pang of anxiety when something happens that I've never dealt with before. But, as time goes on, I have discovered that there really isn't anything I can't handle. That sounds kind of cocky, I know, but it's the truth. If I don't know what to do, I have the intelligence and resources within me to figure it out, or to locate someone who can.
And now, instead of feeling helpless and fearful about the unknown, I feel empowered and confident. It's been an amazing transformation, but it hasn't been easy, and it didn't happen quickly.
L
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
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I have warning flags about Fred. Please let me explain. I have a brother that was friends with an alcoholic and he seemed to have a co-dependent relationship with his friend who took advantage of his financial means.
Fred may be fine...but for me he begs the question: Why was Fred friends with the guy you married who apparently had some big issues? Just wanting to put that out there in case it is applicable (that Fred's friend had some big issues at that time).
Fred may be fine...but for me he begs the question: Why was Fred friends with the guy you married who apparently had some big issues? Just wanting to put that out there in case it is applicable (that Fred's friend had some big issues at that time).
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Alright -- tickets for the crazy train being sold here. I swear I was going to post this before I read 24Years' post.
I friended Fred on FB, scrolled through his list of friends to see if he's heard from any one interesting from school. And low and behold there on the list is XAAH.... still. Now my mind is back on that little trust issue that I posted on another thread here: How is this going to come back and bite me if he is really is still friends with XAAH and is fishing for info for some reason.... What have I said? How could it be used in court if XAAH tries to push for more time with DS?
Short of it is, though, even if Fred is still friends with XAAH, nothing I said to Fred was said with DS nearby. I did nothing but confirm stuff Fred said and asked if he still had any of the stuff XAAH took from DS and I, including the cats. (A few things possibly still at his house, but he did a dump run to toss a lot of XAAH's cr-p, and he has no idea what XAAH did with the animals other than never take care of them and letting them cr-p everywhere rather than clean the litter box, they just disappeared....).
So really, I'm not worried about what XAAH could use in court - because the stupid git voluntarily gave up his legal custody of DS. (I swear I think he thought that meant he wouldn't need to pay child support.) And I know he has not yet done the abusers counseling that the judge ordered, so....
So what's with the trust issue, really? I KNOW I do not trust XAAH. I want to trust my friend, Fred. I did for a bit, until I saw XAAH on his friend list. Why can't I? Will I keep doing this unless the person never knew and never meets XAAH?
I friended Fred on FB, scrolled through his list of friends to see if he's heard from any one interesting from school. And low and behold there on the list is XAAH.... still. Now my mind is back on that little trust issue that I posted on another thread here: How is this going to come back and bite me if he is really is still friends with XAAH and is fishing for info for some reason.... What have I said? How could it be used in court if XAAH tries to push for more time with DS?
Short of it is, though, even if Fred is still friends with XAAH, nothing I said to Fred was said with DS nearby. I did nothing but confirm stuff Fred said and asked if he still had any of the stuff XAAH took from DS and I, including the cats. (A few things possibly still at his house, but he did a dump run to toss a lot of XAAH's cr-p, and he has no idea what XAAH did with the animals other than never take care of them and letting them cr-p everywhere rather than clean the litter box, they just disappeared....).
So really, I'm not worried about what XAAH could use in court - because the stupid git voluntarily gave up his legal custody of DS. (I swear I think he thought that meant he wouldn't need to pay child support.) And I know he has not yet done the abusers counseling that the judge ordered, so....
So what's with the trust issue, really? I KNOW I do not trust XAAH. I want to trust my friend, Fred. I did for a bit, until I saw XAAH on his friend list. Why can't I? Will I keep doing this unless the person never knew and never meets XAAH?
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty
I want to trust my friend, Fred. I did for a bit, until I saw XAAH on his friend list. Why can't I? Will I keep doing this unless the person never knew and never meets XAAH?
...I just read about the kidney...this does sound more complicated...take your time...you'll find what is best for you.
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I think you will be in this twilight stage where trusting folks is concerned, for a while yet. That is fine as it helps protect you from leaning on or believing people who may have not got your best interests at heart.
Keep friends with Fred and others, but keep your wits about you and don't let all your thoughts hang out (so to speak), just be friendly and see by action what the truth is re Fred and your ex.
As for listening to anything your ex says, well you know that when his bill is moving he is quacking so really who needs to listen?
Keep friends with Fred and others, but keep your wits about you and don't let all your thoughts hang out (so to speak), just be friendly and see by action what the truth is re Fred and your ex.
As for listening to anything your ex says, well you know that when his bill is moving he is quacking so really who needs to listen?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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I like Hank
And every time you post I like him a little more. I would totally hang with Hank.
It's hard as hell for me to not protect my wife and daughter when they can protect themselves. On the other hand, when they can't I get to jump in. The hard part for me is figuring out one from the other.
Even though my mother was a feminist I was still raised in the mid-west in the sixties and seventies. It's hard for me to get over the urge to protect women. I can do it now, though-- sometimes.
Cyranoak
It's hard as hell for me to not protect my wife and daughter when they can protect themselves. On the other hand, when they can't I get to jump in. The hard part for me is figuring out one from the other.
Even though my mother was a feminist I was still raised in the mid-west in the sixties and seventies. It's hard for me to get over the urge to protect women. I can do it now, though-- sometimes.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by anvilhead
oh uncertainty, i think we all would like to think somebody has got our back. our own personal superhero. i think you are dong well to recognize that tug....it all starts with awareness.
a couple weeks ago my low tire pressure light came on...i did the visual inspection, gave one a kick (like that helps!), and not seeing any tire that looked particularly low, figured it was just being overly sensitive...plus there was about a 20 degree difference between daytime and nighttime temps. the stupid thing would go off but then come back on. mentioned it to hank - sort of hoping HE'D take care of it - and all he suggested was stopping by the full service station and having them checked. well that seemed silly, so i just went and plunked 4 quarters in the air thingamajig at 7-11 and did my best to put more air IN then i let out. light has been off since.
but i was thinking, how come nobody came to my rescue? if i was cute and much younger and blonde and petite, would some man have swooped in to save me? i told hank, i gotta go take lessons in how to look helpless or something!!! cuz HE sure doesn't see me that way and there are times i wouldn't MIND being treated like i'm fragile or something! sigh.........
a couple weeks ago my low tire pressure light came on...i did the visual inspection, gave one a kick (like that helps!), and not seeing any tire that looked particularly low, figured it was just being overly sensitive...plus there was about a 20 degree difference between daytime and nighttime temps. the stupid thing would go off but then come back on. mentioned it to hank - sort of hoping HE'D take care of it - and all he suggested was stopping by the full service station and having them checked. well that seemed silly, so i just went and plunked 4 quarters in the air thingamajig at 7-11 and did my best to put more air IN then i let out. light has been off since.
but i was thinking, how come nobody came to my rescue? if i was cute and much younger and blonde and petite, would some man have swooped in to save me? i told hank, i gotta go take lessons in how to look helpless or something!!! cuz HE sure doesn't see me that way and there are times i wouldn't MIND being treated like i'm fragile or something! sigh.........
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