BecomingMe

4 more days of visitation contact until exAH gets on an airplane. I have been working hard on my codie behaviour(reading Codependancy No More), working on detachment trying to make sure that I don't mix up keeping our child safe and well and trying to control exAH. And boy it's hard and confusing! Last night during his visit (outside since I have banned him from the house the last time he stole money from me) he called me b^%ch in front of our son. I remained calm but when I told him that if he cannot control his temper the visit will end he got really aggressive and threatening. Today I found an empty beer can under the stoop by the mailbox (definitely not there yesterday). I have tried to keep my cool despite the fight or flight instinct raging in me. Had a nice talk with myself about the beer can and concluded that I shouldn't be surprised since I know he is still drinking. I can WISH he wouldn't drink here especially since he doesn't live here, but then we all know that if wishes were horses ...

This evening he is supposed to take our son for a haircut (something I agreed to weeks ago). I imposed the condition that I would meet him at the babysitters to pick up the little one. I figure I will assess on the spot if he is sober enough to take him to the hairdressers. I'd rather call it off entirely. But that will create a massive scene. I know his behaviour and actions and reactions are NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY but doesn't it get kind of fuzzy when you try to manage visitation?? If he takes him for the haircut then I will run an errand and go back to meet them and walk him and our son back home. This is where I get confused. I want my son to see his father. I need to protect his safety and well-being. So I end up managing the situation. Maybe it's still codie, maybe not.

It's clearer when I detach from the quacking (still coming at me fast and furious) and when I don't let myself get involved with his departure plans.

I feel a little better when I remind myself that if it becomes too much there are plenty of hotels to go to.

4 days and counting ...

kittykitty

Only you can decide what kind of behavior you are willing to tolerate, as well as what kind of potentially dangerous situation you are willing to put your child in. I can only assume that when you refer to the trip to the hairdressers, there is no vehicle involved. If he were driving your son, I would like to think that "sober enough" wouldn't cut it.

It is nice that you stayed calm while your husband was verbally abusing you in front of your son, but maybe next time, take your son and go into the house, where your A cannot follow. Accepting that kind of behavior from others may teach your son that it's okay to treat people like that.

It's one thing to want your kid to see his father. But if his father is an ***hole, i would reconsider for the kids sake. There is no benefit to hanging out with a jerk, no matter how related you are, especially when safety becomes an issue.

As far as wishing he wouldn't drink there, he doesn't live there, YOU do. YOU make the rules. You can say no drinking here, or in front of son, whatever. Set the boundary, and stick to it. There's no wishing here, just doing.


Good luck over the next 4 days!

kittykitty

I just read another post where you stated that this man is suicidal, deep in active alcoholism, leaving town in a couple of days to move to the other side of the country, you can't trust him at all. You stated that he normally shows up intoxicated to spend time with your son, and when he is you never let him out of earshot.

In this thread, you stated that if he is "sober enough", you'll let him take your son. Out of earshot. Out of sight.

I would seriously think about the potential consequences here.

BecomingMe

Thanks. It helps to just write things out here so I can look at the situation a little more clearly. I don't think I ever had any intention of letting him go to the hairdressers (NO VEHICLE INVOLVED). It just made more sense to me to say "I will meet you at the babysitter's" than to say no in the first place. It was pouring rain so A didn't want to take him (yeah, it was A logic). I am still learning about how crazy his behaviour really is -- and how crazy I am to have been putting up with it. We walked in the rain back to my house and he griped the whole way, muttering vile things behind me. He started off pushing the stroller, until he let it go to throw a rock at a car that didn`t stop at the crossing. You see, all of this I have seen before and in a way I got so used to this kind of behaviour I stopped even noticing how mad it is! I'm as crazy as he is! I took the stroller away from him, and twice he tried to force me to give it back to his control, even trying to force my hand off it.

Thank you all so much for feedback. It's going to take me a while to get back to the point where I do not tolerate crazy, dangerous, abusive behaviour. I think I will make alternate living arrangements for the next few days after all.

BecomingMe

Hotel booked! Told my son we are going on an adventure this weekend. After that I will spend some time thinking about just how much I have been lying to myself about what I can tolerate from other people. Consider my head a little further out of the sand.

LexieCat

Good job--Hope the next few days are filled with peace and adventure!

Jadmack25

Frankly the sooner this wacko and his rock throwing antics etc, leave town for good...the better.
Keep your lovely child away from him at all costs, especially NOW as it so close to him going and he may go berserk at the last minute. Has happened before to others.
Stay out of his way until you know for sure, that he has gone.

Leaping

Enjoy your adventure with your son. Might be helpful to turn your phone off as well. You deserve to be happy and to feel safe in your own home. And so does your son.